Funny Stuff


Too many textbooks and discussions leave students free to make up their minds about things.
Mel Gabler, Texas textbook critic

If Cal Coolidge were alive today to witness this scene, he'd roll over in his grave.
Massachusetts House representative

There is one word in America that says it all, and that one word is "You never know."
Joaquin Andujar, former pitcher for the Houston Astros

Let us drink to the queer old dean.
the Reverend William Spooner, Oxford academic, intending to propose a drink to the dear old queen

That is, because of, because of our, that is, we are attempting, the position is to withhold information and to cover up--that is totally true--you could say it is totally untrue.
President Richard Nixon, from 1973 White House transcripts, discussing whether or not to hide evidence concerning the Watergate break-in

Thus, the black lie, issuing from his base throat, becomes a boomerang to his hand, and he is hoist by his own petard, and finds himself a marked man.
small-town newspaper editor in Wisconsin

The lark is exclusively a Soviet bird. The lark does not like the other countries, and lets its harmonious song be heard only over the fields made fertile by the collective labor of the citizens of the happy land of the Soviets.
from a novel by the Soviet author D. Bleiman

Rich Folkers is throwing up in the bull pen.
Jerry Colman, San Diego Padres broadcast announcer

Twelve for 23...It doesn't take a genius to see that's under 50 percent.
Dick Vitale, sports announcer

Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.
Yogi Berra, baseball great

The first black president will be a politician who is black.
L. Douglas Wilder, governer of Virginia

"Who Created the YoYo? Who Created the Moon Buggy?"
title of a 1980 Philippine film

Mr. Speaker, this bill is a phony with a capital F.
congressman during a heated congressional debate

No entry except for access.
sign in Victoria Street, London

All ice cubes will be boiled before using.
U.S. army official, ordering preventive measures during an overseas typhoid epidemic

Sin tax? What will those fellers in Washington think of next?
Dizzy Dean, baseball great turned announcer, in response to the charge that his language was ruining students' syntax

It is indeed fitting that we gather here today to pay tribute to Abraham Lincoln, who was born in a log cabin that he built with his own hands.
unnamed politician, in a speech honoring Lincoln

Well, sir, I met you this morning, but you did not come; however, I'm determined to meet you tomorrow morning, whether you come or not.
challenger to a man who didn't show up for a scheduled duel

When two trains approach each other at a crossing, they shall both come to a full stop and neither shall start up until the other has gone.
a law in Kansas

Equal rights were created for everyone.
contestant in the 1990 Mr. New Jersey pageant

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
from the guest directory of a Japanese hotel, 1991


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