There comes only once in a generation the chance to change the course of history. For this the 'millenial generation,' that opportunity is today. Behold that I have set before the distinguished members of Congress the Interspecies Public Decency bill. If passed, this bill will establish now and forevermore the sorely needed precedent that all animals from homes to zoos in these United States of America under God will wear trousers.
I know that some of my detractors will brand this endeavor as naive, or even frivolous, but I maintain that is is a noble an necessary step in the evolution of American democracy. Who here could deny the importance of the God-fearing blue laws, or the countless acts against indecent exposure and pornography? I ask you today, distinguished members of Congress, how can we rail against one form of obscenity, but stand idly by while others run rampant?
Every day, in cities all across the continental United States, in their homes and zoos, our children are being exposed to indecency on a vast scale. Cats, dogs, squirrels, and every variety of exotic beast given to us by our Creator are seen by these virgin eyes, causing irreparable harm to them in mind and in spirit.
Political differences aside, we are all like-minded people. We only seek to protect our homes, our family, and our country, to spread our God-given ideals of freedom and morality. There are no partisan divisions here. These are uncertain times, my fellow Americans. America must be strong now more than ever. We cannot allow ourselves to be destroyed by fear and terrorism abroad, but nor can we neglect to prevent ourselves from dissolving from the inside out. Our children are the future of America; for a strong America we need a strong youth, untainted by such filth. My bill can help accomplish this.
If passed, then henceforth we will no longer permit the exposure of the genitalia of any creature in America. The new Homeland Security department is perfectly suited for such a task. With our President's blessing and your support, I would like to add a subdivision to this noble establishment; a ministry of decency, if you will, which will operate under the watchful eye of the Commander in Chief.
Even now the lobbyists would seek to stop this bill. They claim that it places too much power in one man. I say to them today, look at the chaos in the world around you, then look me in the eye and tell me that we can afford not to have such a pillar of strength in this, the greatest country in the world.
Yet I am no starry-eyed idealist. I know all things come with a price. Yes, even this noble endeavor will cost money, a resource increasingly hard to come by in these troubled times; the cost must be offset. To this end, I have proposed in the final amendment to this bill that the dignitaries of Congress be given increases in salary.
Some of you may be uncertain, I know. All of America is uncertain, but we must not falter. Be strong, and stride boldly forward into a brighter future. God bless America.