ahem

Oklahoma!

ACT ONE

pit orchestra plays for about an hour before the cast realizes, hey the play's starting

Tom: Lalalala I'm happy.
Kelsey: Me too.
Tom: Be with me.
Kelsey: No. (they stare at each other, longingly)
Tom: Umm... I have really cool horses.
Kelsey: Too bad.
Tom: Joke's on you!!! I lied! I actually DON'T have horses! HAHAHAHA DON'T YOU FEEL STUPID!!!!!! .... ehh... I mean.... ummm... you're pretty?
Kelsey: Screw you.

Zach: I'm going to transform from well-mannered Zach to evil abrasive unshaven Zach! I will say things in monotone and be a generally mean guy. Why Kelsey likes me, I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out why I like her.
Audience: Look! He doesn't shave! He must be the bad guy.

Courtney: I like to get with a lot of guys. But in the meantime, listen to me whine and sound like a chipmunk.
Steve: Oh I want to get with you. But I will say this with an accent, attracting laughter because my foreignness offers comical relief.

Tom: You know Zach... You'd look really great dead.
Zach: Good point. Let's sing a 20 minute song about me being dead.
Steve: Who wants porn?

Girls: (incessant giggling) hehehehe Kelsey likes boys Kelsey likes boys Kelsey likes boys.
Kelsey: Go away! I need to take my drugs! (inhales mysterious substance, proceeds to hallucinate for a long extended period of time about getting married, then going to a strip club. Clearly Tom is the good guy and Zach is evil because he drags her around the stage)

INTERMISSION
Director1: Hmm, this plot isn't working, what can we do to salvage the play?
Director2: I know, let's insert something random like people not liking each other, and building a schoolhouse. That'll confuse the audience so much that they won't realize the plot is bad.
Director1: Brilliant!

ACT TWO
Entire cast: Let's dance.
Alissa: Farmers and cowmen should stop fighting. I don't know when they started, but they should stop. Because, of course, their feud is a necessary scene in this play.
Audience: Huh?
Directors: It's working!

Alissa: So, who wants to buy a basket of food?
Andrew: Sadly I don't have money.
Steve: Here's some, now I don't have to marry Courtney. I will, however, buy her food for $51. Because I know the audience cares.
Audience: Hey he has a funny accent! Har har har!
Zach: I'll buy Kelsey's basket!
Tom: No you won't.
Zach: Yes I will.
Tom: No you won't.
Zach: Yes I will.
Tom: No you won't.
Zach: Yes I will.
Tom: I'm selling all my personal belongings for the sake of buying this basket myself, because if I don't buy it, my life will come to an end.
Zach: Idiot. Don't you know I'll kill you in the end anyway?
Kelsey: Yay I'm happy! I get to feed the man of my dreams!

Andrew: Marry me.
Courtney: Okay, but I still want to get with Steve.
Andrew: No. (sings, kisses the random dancing girls who show up in every scene of the play for no apparent reason)

Kelsey: I like Tom, but let's dance Zach.
Zach: You don't like me cuz I'm a worker. I see how it is. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. (leaves)
Kelsey: You hurt my feelings! You're fired! (cries)
Tom: Marry me. (they kiss) I (kiss) love (kiss) you (kiss) and (kiss) Okla (kiss) homa (kiss) will (kiss) be (kiss) a (kiss) state (kiss) I (kiss) like (kiss) random (kiss) comments (kiss) because (kiss) they (kiss) let (kiss) me (kiss) kiss (kiss) you (kiss) more (kiss) because (kiss) I (kiss) can't (kiss) seem (kiss) to (kiss) stop (slobber).
Kelsey: Oh I love you even if your name IS Curly.

Jeff: I congratulate Kelsey and Tom on being married.
Zach: (shows up suddenly and TOTALLY unexpectedly) Die Tom die! (fist fight proceeds)

they continue to fight

zach pulls out a knife

they fight some more

Audience: Wait, who are we rooting for?

still fighting

Wedding-goers: Let's continue to stand here and watch them kill each other.

fighting...

fighting...

(yawn)

All of a sudden Zach STABS Tom! There is a tense silence and pause! Then Zach falls over DEAD!!

Jeff: I rule that Tom is not guilty of murder.
Audience: Wait...... what just happened?
Cast: OOOOOOOOOOKLAHOMA!!!!!!!!!!!!