SEMI-INTELLIGENT CHIMPS

A bit of a strange like but the world will be a better place when a thousand chimps sit and work in factories for a banana a day.

Of course, my beliefs will spark aggressive antics from animal activists.

This page delivers, unsurprisingly, what I like on this planet that we live on.  I hope that this page gives you an insight on my everyday occurrences.

• ALFRED HITCHCOCK FILMS:  I love his films.  Ranging from Vertigo to Rope, there are more twists than a Shabba Ranks convention.  I feel that Hitchcock is the greatest director that ever lived, and should have been knighted for his achievements (which he was).  I strongly recommend a viewing of one of his films, and you'll probably be surprised.  The acting can sometimes be quite bad, the plots are still ahead of their time.

• ALAN PARTRIDGE:  'The greatest show on the telly', that's what I say.  Well, Alan Partridge and his canny adventures in a Travel Inn near Norwich aren't exactly externally fascinating, but it is so funny it hurts.  Quotes such as 'kiss my face' and 'Jurassic Park' are in common usage within those who watch it.

• TIMOTHY DALTON BOND FILMS:  Quite frankly, I feel that Tim has the Midas touch when it comes to playing James Bond.  His perhaps over-serious characterization is too much for some, but I think this adds more to the films than any other actor that has played Bond.

• 1980's MUSIC:  My music taste is rather different than any of my friends'.  My enjoyment of the new romantics, such as Duran Duran, and varied performers such as Fleetwood Mac, George Michael, Elton John and Blondie,  perhaps make my musical persona a little more knowledgeable than many people I know of, which is not necessarily a good thing.  You see, a massive knowledge of 1980's music takes up vital brain-space (for study etc.), and unfortunately a question like 'Who had a number one hit with Take My Breath Away?' will not come up on an A-level Maths paper.  The answer incidentally is Berlin, but that's beside the point.  Towards the end of the 80's, the music did fall in standard quite a lot.  I hated bands like 'Yazoo' and 'Snap' and that thing called 'Kylie Minogue' (please do not file a law suit, Kylie).  I have heard better sounds come out of a donkey's arse.

• CHAMPIONSHIP MANAGER:  My life has been ruined by endless hours taking a shite team to the realm of European success.  Of course, I am very good at this and do it all too often.  I don't get the credit I deserve, after all, success gained by my friends has been enabled by tactics used by myself.  My greatest achievement was taking IFK Gothenburg of Sweden to European Cup success twice to date. As you can see, my social life because of Championship Manager is severely unhealthy.

   

MISS ?????

You know who you are but I don't want to embarrass you.

ASSOCIATION FOOTBALL

My world would collapse if the game of soccer was to be banished. This simple sport is the gravity of my lifestyle. I am a dramatic Manchester United supporter, who's political Right-Wing view believes that all Liverpool residents should be abused by a firing squad. When playing the game, my normal position is left wing. Like Andy Cole, I score 1 out of 20 scandalously easy chances.