Nether mind the Bible, this is the.....
STORY OF LIFE
(written in rather productive Mrs Szunko year 11 English)
His face dangled like a hung vagabond, his eyes caressed any watchers' body like a passionate Palin. The screams of agony raged from him as he had a Russell Grant strapped to his arse. The smile from him was suggestive, as he hung from a long sexy satin string. Mirrors reflected his image, so you couldn't hide from his erotic posture. The small crowd started to talk in whispers, much to the discomfort of the deformed image.
Then, as he started to fade away, Zippy became uneasy, and said, "On the contary, Martin Scorcese". Shocked by this outburst, Kenneth Williams grunted, "You can be hard when you want to be".
Panic struck as humans watched gorilla warfare. Shit flew, Robert Prosinecki grinned, then he was twatted by a mentalist gorilla. Zippy was covered in mustard after the onslaught, "Geoffrey, 'gis a quick shag before I die". Geoffrey became aroused, "I have no penis Zippy". Zippy then slipped away.
Geoffrey walked down the road and was butted by Marlene of Neighbours. She became violent, out of control, Geoffrey was close to his end. "You can be close to my end any day", interrupted Kenneth Williams.
The next day, Brian Moore came walking down the road. Thousands of cleaners were scrubbing his head as he looks incannilly like the London Planitarium. He then spasmed. Danny Harper raced to the rescue, but was kicked in the face by a South Korean goalkeeper, "Yer fucking poohead, get your own style, yer bloody chimp". He agreed, and got his skin shaved.
Lee erupted, shit flowed like liquid, cities became engulfed. It set. "I used to play for Manchester United", claimed Lee. Of course, everybody was full of shit.
Marcel Desailly strolled across the brown field, and accidently stood in Wes, "Sorry man", said Marcel, "You just blend in". Wes wobbled, "Alane! Alane! Alane! Twat him!". Alane came, and twatted, and left. Marcel was left on the floor. The blood was streaming, until he was shot by a steward.
Here came Uncle Albertini, but instantly his limbs were sawed off.
Jack Charlton became sexed. He lay on the floor in a horny manner, "Come 'gis a kiss - now Andy Townsend - there's a good kisser". He was then shot in anger by that steward again, who just happened to be Phil Mitchell, "Grant, Kath is Grant, Phil, phhhhillll, phhhhhhhhererhh". Grant reacted violently, as he threw a sausage to the floor - which of course, inevitably kills him due to Vera Lynnus disease. Phil fell over and was killed.
The skies opened, trees shook, old women's breasts wrinkled as Zippy was brought back to life. Zippy then dragged Geoffrey (Archer) out of the Queen's arse. "There you go Geoffrey", said Zippy titfully. "Thank you", answered Geoffrey.
They both walked along, dick in hand, until they got to a gay parlour, "Hi, my names Ray". Un-amused, John Jensen returned to Highbury, but Zippy was having none of it, "I'm gonna beat him Geoffrey", warned Zippy. He did, and it hurt him.
But he escaped, so he was chased along to Benny Hill music by Zippy, Geoffrey (Archer), Grant, Phil, Kath, Andy Townsend, Jack Charlton, Uncle Albertini, Alane, Wes, Marcel Desailly, Lee Foxy, Palin, Danny Harper, a South Korean goalkeeper, Brian Moore, Kenneth Williams, Marlene, Robert Prosinecki, Martin Scorcese and Russell Grant.
The next day, Zippy captured John Jenson and took to the BBC World Cup panel. "Hello Alan", greeted Zippy, "Yer a bloody Scottish tosser". Alan shook, "That was terrible". Alan then butted Zippy, then he zipped-up his mouth. Zippy threw a paddy, "Why aye...I went straight through the window".
Jimmy Hill's England dicky-bow started to swirl in a 1950's comical manner. He couldn't control it as it flew out the window to freedom.
Zippy had a spastic fit, and Desmond called the spacker brigade. Abruptly they arrived. "Yer interrupted our Basketball game, yer grey haired bastard!". Des Mrs Hogged, which frightened the spackers, so they all jumped out the window. Martin O'Neill arrived, after being chucked out the window by Zippy. Zippy laughed, "yer could change yer name to Fartin' O'Neill, couldn't yer you terrorist". Martin pulled on his ballaclaver and blew the studio to Bethlehem, but everyone survived.
Des was the first to open the door. There was that bloke out of Dad's Army, "Stupid boys". Kenneth Williams then said, "We can all go to Dame Thora Hird's house". Everyone agreed, and went for sex.
The doorbell rang to the tune of an answer in Every Second Counts. "Hello, come in", she said, riding on her Stannah lift. Everyone ran in. "Excuse me", asked Thora, "I need a shit". So off she travelled up the stairs on her chairlift. "Fucking nice house!", exhaled Zippy, crying with emotion. "Aye, terrible fat arse though" commented Alan Hansen. "Don't mock her arse, she's very old yer know yer inncolent dickhead" Monty Donn. "Fuck off yer red faced twat", said Martin O'Neill, who then threw a fit and killed Mr Donn.
It went queer for a bit, until........ "Ohh mother of God!!!", screamed Thora. Her Stannah lift's motor collapsed which sent her hurtling towards the wall. "I can't watch!", dribbled Kenneth Williams. Thora smacked the wall, which kill her. "Fuck", said Sean Connery.
Everybody turned their attention to Sean. "Martin Scorcese, where are you?!", hailed Zippy. "Here", strutted Martin. The sun shone! Hark! Martin Scorcese! He then spasmed and was shot in the kneecaps. He died.
Then, after this drama, everyone decided to fly to Jersey. When they landed, they were greeted by Paul McShane (Lovejoy fame), "Why hello, my name's....." "Say yes Paul", rudely interrupted Paul Daniels. Violence erupted, and everyone started to slap Paul Daniels' head. It went a funny shade of red, and then imploded. Laughter erupted, and then head for the beach.
The sea was strange today, as a huge teabag hadn't been removed. "Am gonna have a swim, Zippy," exhaled Geoffrey. So, off he strolled towards the water. When he came out, disaster, he was all old and crumply and stained. He collapsed and died (not peacefully).
Toto Schillachi was itchy, and became in pain. He screamed, and inevitably punch in the face by Andreas Brehme. Jürgen Klinnsman, who was nearby purchasing a Cornish ice-cream, all tingly and seductive, dived to the ground in uncontrollable moans. Everybody became sexually interactive. Marlene was dangerously horny. "Kurmiloglu Tugay, you Turkish beast," she cried in ecstacy.
Not long after this vile act, they all got bored and decided to go and abuse the ITV World Cup panel. "I'll twat that Rozenthal," threatened Zippy. "I hate you Venison!" Snarled Smiler, who has just joined the gang after filming another thrilling 'On The Buses' movie. When they arrived, they were greeted by Erasure on the radio in the reception. "How may I help you?" Enquired the tarty receptionist. "Yer can fuck off, yer Vera-Lynnus plagued bitch," attacked Sean Connery. She then fell over.
Eventually, they barged into the studio. They were met by John Barnes shagging Ruud Gullit's face, and Barry Venison having a brand new illuminous suit tailored. Smiler started to hurl abuse at Venison, "Yer taking veal of the market, yer Geordie gorilla," He then strutted over, grabbed Barry's neck, and snapped it in one swift movement.
The programme was back on air, and was greeted by one of those comedy brawls seen in old western movies. Russ of holy Abbot arrived, "Calm, my fellow men" He exhaled loudly, "Tit off" Shouted Paul Daniels. Russ ran away in stimulated offense. A thought floated around everbody. What ever happened to Maidstone United in football and Rydale York in rugby? Everyone had extremely serious spasms, throthing at the mouth and everything. Although hospitalised, they all survived (apart from Bob and Jim).
Forty one years and two months, eight days later, they all became fantastic footballers, who all played for England together, except for Sean Connery, who played for Bulgaria. "Yes, Bulgaria" He walked into the Carol Smilee (changing rooms), and was emphatically greeted by Yordan Letchkov. "Yeski, kill me Scottish ten-inch penis tissue" pleaded Yordan, "Shutupski........I am Gaylord!!"
Dear God! At Sean's fear, their was Yvette Fielding eating pickled sprouts in the manager's chair. "The name's Connery, Sean Connery." "I know who you are, kill Yordans" Then, 25 Yordan Letchkovs, and one Jack Charlton started to molest and seduce Sean. The Yordans were rubbing their heads and Jack was fondling his balls.
They trapped Sean and tied him on the training bed. "Now, for torture to end all tortures!!!!" Whatever could this be? Red hot poker stuck where the sun don't shine? Well.....to the horror of Sean, Colin Hendry started to wave his wired mullet over Seans feet. This started to rip the skin of Seans feet, as Colin has wire-wool attached to his facial area. Colin was waving until..... "W---h----o---p----p---p---u---u--h---h----h---h---h" As stated rather extravagantly, a massive whip Ian Pierced Colin's buttocks. He collapsed and bled to death. "I am He-Man, or in real life, Ian Selley." Everbody slapped their cocks in disbelief. "Fuck" commented Sean Connery. Ian Selley then released Sean from his torture. "Thanks" he licked, "you man." Then, as Ian and Sean proceeded to make love, Skelator flew out of Jack Charlton's ear, "I am Lord of the universe!" he cried. Jack Charlton has a cardiac arrest in the corner whilst everyone pointed and threw excrement and human faeces at him. "Blimey, I only want to play for Bulgaria," said Skelator, "you see, my great grandad's uncle in law had a dog that shagged Ruud Gullit's face. His wife's second cousin was a bull from Garia - good enough?" "Why aye!" added a shit stained close-to-death Jack Charlton. Everybody discussed tactics and walked into the field. They were playing England in the World Cup final. Now, we join Gary Lineker in the commentary box, over to you yer big-eared bastard, "Hello and you join us here in Ethopia for the World Cup final. If you've just joined us, you've just missed Pelé giving another crappy prediction that a team from Mercury will win the World Cup before the end of the century. Here are the teams:"
ENGLAND
GK. Marlene Stark
DL. Martin Scorcese
DR. Bobby Moore (clone off)
DC. Des Lynham
DC. Mr. Hitchcock (no relation of Kevin/Alfred/Mr.)
MR. Zippy
ML. Geoffrey
MC. Danny Harper
MC. Kenneth Williams
SC. Phil Mitchell
SC. Kath Mitchell
MANAGER: Seth from Emmerdale
BULGARIA
GK. Jack Charlton
DL. Jack Nicholson
DR. He-Man (Ian Selley)
DC. Colin Hendry (re-incarnation of)
DC. Robbie Coltrane
ML. Monty Donn
MR. John Inman
MC. A member of super smash-hit megaband Bros
MC. A member of super smash-hit megaband Bros
SC. Skelator
SC. Bobby 'the brain' Heenan
MANAGER: Mike Reid (Frank Butcher and NOT the referee)
"It's national anthem time - and here's the tune from 'The Archers' for England..........how moving that was, now here's 'hands up, baby hands, give me your heart, gimme gimme your heart gimme gimme your heart gimme gimme' for Bulgaria. Today's referee is Lulu. And........it's off!" Nothing happened for 89 minutes, except for 2 stands burning and a Rhino defacing Seth. "Here comes Kenneth Williams......past one.....and another.....and it's in!!!!" The crowd erupted as Lulu blew the whistle and used it as an excuse to beak into song. Captain of England, Zippy, went up the stairs and lifted the new look trophy with a dog shagging Ruud Gullit's face on it. The old World Cup was won outright by Djibouti in 2038.
A few days later, Zippy was doing his ironing as usual until Lee Foxall walked passed the window waving his arms around like a drunkard monkey. "Big boob, I'll kill him" Harassed Zippy. Zippy ran to the front door, gun in hand, and shot Lee clean in the head. Lee fell. Zippy slowly licked his lips, and to his horror Lee's wound healed in the fashion of the bloke in Terminator 2, along with the music as well, he got to his feet. One of his ears were Stuart Pierced and let the truth out: He was a cyborg. Zippy ran away as fast as he could cunjour. Could anybody save Zippy..........?
No. Anyway, there was no point as the world ended. Did anybody surivive.....? Yes. Danny Harper was the only survivor in the world, as he was clowning around for a circus act 20,000 ft up in a bicycle-plane. When he landed on the ground, he was very shocked. "I'm very shocked." Danny was alone for twenty years, and as the Bee Gees once echoed, I don't wanna be alone, he understood from an ex-boyfriend that there was life on the moon. So, he started collecting raw materials to build wings.
When he arrived, a hundred and sixty years later, he forgot why he wanted to be there, "Oh bugger, I better go back" Eventually, he landed at the North Pole, and was greeted by who else but Michael Palin. "Hello" greeted Michael "Fuck off" attacked Danny. Although this was a bad meeting, they soon hit it off and found a fiendishly clever way to have children together.
Twenty-four years later, they had created a (Gladstone) small village. Danny and Michael had 3 children, Mark Palin, Palin Palin and Drome Palin. Unfortunately they were killed by a freak wind, which ripped their limbs off. "Yes, it's true" enhanced Danny. So, life carried on, and therefore Roger Moore peered over a mountain, "Err..........................h.hh..................eheeh.........e..rrrr.....Moneypenny, big boy now aren't you?" Shagged Roger. Moneypenny was not amused whatsoever and fitted to the tune of Timothy Dalton slapping his cock on a piano.
Later that day, Roger was walking down the road when he accidentally walked in front of a car. Ratty, Toad and Moley got out of the car very angrily and started a road rage attack upon Roger. "Fuck off...................yer Israeli" Howled Roger. "Yer deserved it, yer slow talking turban stain" Accused Moley. Can it be true? Is Roger really a Pakistani? "Yes, I am a Hindu from Niger, so fondle me at will." Cried Roger. Ratty proceeded by pulling out a Class A Soviet Union Basooka (that Varooka) and blew Roger to Fadgeland.
Danny Harper wasn't amused. "I'm not amused." Danny was now alone again. Confused and aroused, he wanted to end his life. He changed his mind and decided to be aggressive against silver-medal God Merlene Ottey. He punched her in the groin. "I did you know." He started to clown around until he was finally killed by Kris Akabusi's lethal arm-twirling motion of celebration.
Now Danny was dead. The world perhaps could get back on it's feet, so it decided to do so, and ran way from the Solar System into the sunset.
the end
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