Obtaining the wonders of alternative medicine need not force you to risk the wrath of the repressive industrial-medical establishment by being seen at the local health food store. You can make your own life-enhancing substances (no, not that kind) in the privacy of your own kitchen, with common or garden variety tools and materials.
Get out your second-best hundred-cup coffee maker. Fill it with water and coffee grounds, and make coffee in the usual manner. Draw off one cup of coffee and discard the rest. (This is no waste; you are about to make a far superior brew.)
Thoroughly clean the coffee maker, fill with fresh water, and pour in that first cup. Mix well. Draw off one cup of this mixture, and discard the rest...
Once you have repeated the fill-and-mix routine six times, you have a tank of what a homeopathic practitioner would call 6C coffee. According to the homeopathic Law of Infinitesimals, if a cup of ordinary coffee wakes you up, a cup of 6C coffee should send you into orbit.
If 6C doesn't do it for you, try another standard homeopathic strength: 9M. Use a thousand-cup tank, and fill-and-mix nine times. If you want to share the fun with everyone around, pour a cup of that hell-bending brew into the local water reservoir. No one in town will be able to sleep for a month.
If the results I have described strike you as perhaps a little unlikely, then you obviously don't have the kind of mind which can apprehend non-standard ways of knowing. Quickly locate and read your horoscope. Do whatever it tells you to do, unless it tells you to think.
I seem to have overlooked a point. The other principle of homeopathy (the one that gives it its name) is Like Cures Like. This says that a substance which produces a symptom in a healthy person will cure that symptom in one who suffers it for other reasons. So if plain coffee induces sleeplessness, 6C coffee should cure it.
So, rather than keeping everyone awake, that cup of 9M coffee in the reservoir should put the whole town to sleep for a month. But don't just take my word for it...
Come to think of it the military must already be well aware of this. That shot of 9M coffee is much cheaper and cleaner than a neutron bomb, and much less inspiring of protest marches. No doubt there are commando squads that specialize in the delivery of 9M coffee to Mid-east trouble spots, and cruise missiles modified to spray a 9M coffee aerosol, for quicker delivery.
Funny you never see those missiles on CNN. I suppose the powerful and secret coffee cartel suppresses all coverage, fearing that consumers will realize that they only need ever buy one coffee bean. But they needn't worry: no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the average consumer.
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