! Real Programmers Don't... !
- Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like twinkies,
coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
- Real Programmers don't write applications programs. They
program right down on the bare metal. Applications programming is for the
dullards who can't do systems programming.
- Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should be
grateful for whatever they get: they are lucky to get any programs at all.
- Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard
to write, it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.
- Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for
simpletons who can't read listings or the object code from the dump.
- Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are
the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look at how
much good it did for them.
- Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a
reference manual is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.
- Real Programmers don't write in RPG.
RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll programs.
- Real Programmers don't write in COBOL.
COBOL is for COmmon
Business-Oriented Laymen
who can't run a business, much less write a real program.
- Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.
FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. They get excited
over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
- Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for
insecure anal-retentives who can't choose between COBOL and
FORTRAN.
- Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually,
no programmer writes in BASIC after reaching puberty.
- Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the
whole program can be written on one line.
- Real Programmers don't write in LISP. Only
idiots' programs contain more parenthesis than actual code.
- Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL,
BLISS, ADA, or any of those other sissy computer science
languages. Strong typing is the crutch for people with weak minds.
- Real Programmers' programs never work right the
first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into
working order in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
- Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real
Programmers are around at 9:00 am, its because they were up all night.
- Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport
which requires a change of clothes. Mountain Climbing is acceptable. Real
Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
spring up in the middle of the machine room.
- Real Programmers disdain structured programming.
Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were permanently toilet
trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an
otherwise clear desk.
- Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept.
Unless, of course they are the chief programmer.
- Real Programmers never write memos on paper.
They send memos via computer mail networks.
- Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a
necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters,
senior planners, and other mental defectives.
- Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The
decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."
- Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They
prefer BMW's, Lincolns, or pick up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles
are highly regarded.
- Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners
make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to
meet schedules. Real Programmers ignore schedules.