- It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.  No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

- Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

- I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

- Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with.

- My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.  I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
-Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

-Wouldn't a self-addressed envelope be addressed "envelope?"

- If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

- I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

- It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

- Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

- If a woman makes a noise in the forest and nobody hears her, is she still wrong?

- If something was worth doing, wouldn't it have been done already?