RANDOM JOKES
>> Ancient Chinese sayings.................... >> >> >> "Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly." >> "Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!" >> "Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright >> organ." >> "Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok." >> "Man with one chopstick go hungry." >> "Man trapped in whore house get jerked around." >> "Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails." >> "Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!" >> "Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it." >> "Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!" >> "War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left." >> "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house." >> "Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night." >> "Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!" >> "If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people." >> "It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it." >> "Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!" >> "Man who sit on tack get point!" >> "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!" >> "Man who lives in glass house should change in basement" >> "Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem in >> "hand" >> "People who make Confucius joke speak bad English." >> "He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs." >> __________________________________________________________ >> >Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? >> >He sold his soul to Santa >> > >> >Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a >> >car crash? >> >He's all right now. >> > >> >How do crazy people go through the forest? >> >They take the psycho path. >> > >> >How do you get holy water? >> >Boil the hell out of it. >> > >> >How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? >> >She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment." >> > >> >What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? >> >"Dam". >> > >> >What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? >> >Polaroids. >> > >> >What do prisoners use to call each other? >> >Cell phones. >> > >> >What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? >> >National Dyslexics Association. >> > >> >What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? >> >A stick. >> > >> >What do you call cheese that isn't yours? >> >Nacho Cheese. >> > >> >What do you call Santa's helpers? >> >Subordinate Clauses. >> > >> >What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? >> >Quatro sinko. >> > >> >What do you get from a pampered cow? >> >Spoiled milk. >> > >> >What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? >> >Frosbite. >> > >> >What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? >> >A pachydermatologist >> > >> >What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of >> a >> >tree it would kill you? >> >A pool table. >> > >> >What is a zebra? >> >26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. >> > >> >What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. >> >and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg. >> > >> >What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? >> >A nervous wreck. >> > >> >What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal >> >thermometer? >> >The taste. >> > >> >What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? >> >Anyone can roast beef. >> > >> >Where do you find a no legged dog? >> >Right where you left him. >> > >> >Where do you get virgin wool from? >> >Ugly sheep. >> > >> >Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? >> >They all have phones. >> > >> >Why do bagpipers walk when they play? >> >They're trying to get away from the noise. >> > >> >Why do gorillas have big nostrils? >> >Because they have big fingers. >> __________________________________________________ >> >> 1) Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway? >> >> 2) Why do you have a hot-water heater when you don't need to heat hot >> water? >> >> 3) Why is an orange an orange and an apple not a red? >> >> 4) Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one? >> >> 5) What do they pack styrofoam in? >> >> 7) If buttered toast always lands butter-side up, and a cat always >> lands on >> its feet. What would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on >> the >> back >> of a cat? >> >> 8) Is grass really greener on the other side? >> >> 9) Do boxer shorts box? >> >> 10) Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra? >> >> 11) If Corn Oil comes from Corn, what does Baby Oil come from? >> >> 12) If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a >> pan? >> >> 13) Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't >> drink >> and drive? >> >> 14) Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? >> >> 15) Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? >> >> 16) Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of >> parachutes? >> >> 17) Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited >> there? >> >> 18) Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? >> >> 19) Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? >> >> 20) How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work? >> >> 21) If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there >> locks on >> the doors? >> >> 22) If a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose? >> >> 23) If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your >> headlights, >> what happens? >> >> 24) You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol >> if the >> package says, "Open somewhere else?" >> >> 25) Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? >> >> 26) Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a >> shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo? >> >> 27) You know that little indestructible black box that is used on >> planes, >> why >> can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? >> >> 28) Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, >> you >> turn >> the radio down? >> >> 29) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? >> >> 30) Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? >> >> 31) What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane? >> >> 32) If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime, what >> do >> freedom fighters fight? >> >> 34) Why is there a Permanent Press setting on an iron if it does not >> work? >> >> 35) Why is keyboard called a keyboard if it only has little buttons? >> >> 39) When an elevator is illegally overloaded with passengers, who is >> criminally responsible? >> >> 40) Why do cornflakes and Sugar Frosted Flakes have the same number of >> calorie >> s per serving? >> >> 41) How do they unclog mail chutes in skyscrapers? >> >> 42) Why are US elections held on Tuesdays? >> >> 43) Why do women wear such uncomfortable shoes? >> >> 44) Which fruits are in Juicy Fruit gum? >> >> 45) Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bed post overnight? >> >> 46) Why can't you find fresh sardines in a fish market? >> >> 47) Why aren't there seat belts in buses and taxicabs? >> >> 48) Why does rootbeer taste flatter than any other colas? >> >> 49) Why do other people hear our voices different than we do? >> >> 50) If trailer parks didn't exist, would tornadoes exist? >> >> 51) Where do they get that awful music for ice skating? >> >> 52) Why does X stand for a kiss? >> >> 53) Why does O stand for a hug? >> >> 54) Why is saffron so expensive? >> >> 55) What is the purpose of the red string on Band-Aid brand adhesive >> packages >> ? >> >> 56) Why did Nabisco eliminate the red string on the wrappers of its >> Saltine >> two and four packs? >> >> 57) Why do Wintergreen Life Savers sparkle in the dark? >> >> 58) What's the funny beep on the radio just before the network news? >> >> 59) Why do we itch? >> >> 60) Why do the minute hands on school clocks always click backward >> before >> advancing? >> >> 61) What causes holes in Swiss cheese? >> >> 62) How was the order of the alphabet determined? >> >> 63) Why don't penguins in the Antarctic ever get frostbite? >> >> 64) Why do we tie shoes on the back of newlyweds' cars? >> >> 65) How does Kraft get the five ounces into every slice of American >> Singles? >> >> 66) Why don't we get goosebumps on our faces? >> >> 67) What is the purpose of the little ball on top of the flag pole? >> >> 68) Why is Jack a nickname for John? >> >> 69) Why do Curad bandages sparkle when you open them? >> >> 70) Why do your feet swell on an airplane? >> >> 71) Why do doughnuts have holes? >> >> 72) How do they get the cream in the twinkie? >> >> 73) Why do some ranchers put old boots on fenceposts? >> >> >> >> >> 74) Why do bananas grow upward and all other fruits grow downward? >> >> 75) Do toilet seats really protect us against anything? >> >> 76) Why do men's bicycles have crossbars? >> >> 77) Why are most homes white? >> >> 78) Why do old women dye their hair blue? >> >> 79) Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men? >> >> 80) Why are cows milked from the right side? >> >> 81) Why are the toilet flush handles on the left side? >> >> 82) Why does a soda taste better in a small bottle than in a large >> bottle >> or >> can? >> >> 83) Why do firehouses have dalmatians? >> >> 84) Why is 40% called 80 proof? >> >> 85) Why does unscented hairspray smell? >> >> 86) Why can't we make newspapers that don't smudge? >> >> 87) Why do we have to DRY clean raincoats? >> >> 88) Why do you often see a shoe lying on the side of the street? >> >> 89) Why are there more brown M&M"s than any other color? >> >> 90) Why is yawning contagious? >> >> 92) Why are movie theaters always so cold? >> >> 93) Why is everything in Texas so big? >> >> 94) Why are school buses painted yellow? >> >> 95) Where does the lost sock in the washers and dryers go? >> >> 96) Why are jeans so hard to fit into? >> >> 97) Why is a black light not black? >> >> 98) Why does glass eventually get thicker towards the bottom? >> >> 100) Why do brown eyes see better in the sun than blue eyes? >> >> 101) Why do scars never go away? >> >> 103) How does the Cheshire cat only show his smile? >> >> 104) What did Robinson Caruso do with Friday on Saturday night? >> >> 105) Why don't we get dizzy from the world spinning so fast? >> >> 106) Why is it called a Caesar's salad, did he invent it? >> >> 107) How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a >> Tootsie >> pop? >> >> 108) Who really took a bite out of the Apple logo? >> >> 110) Why is it called football when you really don't use your feet at >> all? >> >> 111) How does one actually zip their lip? >> >> 112) Can your face actually freeze while making ugly faces? >> >> 113) Why is brassiere singular and panties plural? >> __________________________________________________ >> >> Letter from Barbie... >> >> >> Dear Santa, >> >> Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, >> playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing >> >> suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many >> tea >> parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY >> BACK >> TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or >> I'm >> gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be >> around to smell it). >> So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa. >> 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized >> sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are >> these >> bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to >> have >> nylon and velcro up your butt? >> 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. >> What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation >> underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! >> 3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over >> that >> wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring >> anyway? >> if I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) >> anatomically correct. >> 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned >> Ken-wimp >> away once he is anatomically correct. >> 5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to >> twist, >> just get it done. >> 6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery. >> 7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. >> How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations >> senior account exec! >> 8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a >> miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a >> bag of >> chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with >> a >> fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop >> Smoking >> Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several >> packs >> of gum. >> 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my >> vinyl. >> 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it. >> Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to >> society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you >> disagree, >> then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. >> It's that simple. >> Yours Truly, >> Barbie >> >> ****** >> >> Ken's Letter To Santa: >> Dear Santa, >> I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes >> in >> her >> contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In >> addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made >> about >> me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. >> I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues >> concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. >> First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES >> NOT >> deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along >> with >> Joe, >> Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette evening >> gowns, >> and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally >> have >> only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My >> decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and >> reflects my lifestyle choice. >> I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered >> "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In >> addition, >> there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: >> "S&M >> Ken" , >> "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These >> would >> more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. >> And as >> for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need >> bendable >> knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also >> be >> helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue >> before. >> In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to >> the >> blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and >> others. >> And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's >> what >> he said >> last night. >> >> Sincerely, >> Ken