RANDOM PERVERSE JOKES
>The Packer Fan > >A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, >until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the >guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's >my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but >now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really >too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the >game together. "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral." > >********************************************************************* > >The Ring > >What do you call a Minnesota Viking with a Super Bowl ring? >A thief. > >********************************************************************* > >What About Iowa? >Why doesn't Iowa have a professional football team? >Because Minnesota would want one too. >********************************************************************* > >The River > >What separates the one good team from the bad teams in the NFC Central? >The Wisconsin border. > >********************************************************************* >The Dog > >A man walked into a bar and sat down for a drink. He noted a dog >intently watching a Packers - Bears game. Whenever the Packers scored, >the dog would jump onto the bar and do an animated dance. This happened >over and over as the Packers scored again and again, and at the end of >the game the dog let out a loud howl and ran out of the bar. > >The man thought this was pretty unusual and asked the bartender, "Gee >that's amazing. What happens when the Bears win?" > >The bartender replied "I don't know, the dog's only 4 years old." > >********************************************************************* >The Packer Fan In Heaven > >A devout Packer fan died and had just arrived in heaven (that's where >all Packer fans go you know). He was talking to an angel trying to get the >low down on what heaven was going to be like. He asked the angel if there >were any former Packers in heaven. The angel replied, "Sure, all the greats >are here." > >He then asked the angel if they played football and the angel replied >that in heaven, every day is Packer Sunday and the Pack always wins. Being >very excited the fan asked if Vince Lombardi was there and as he asked, he >saw a man with dark rimmed glasses, a heavy overcoat, and a cap that looked >strangely like the one Vince Lombardi wore in the Ice Bowl. When asked >excitedly if that was him, if that was Vincent T. Lombardi, the angel >replied, "No, that was just God. He just thinks he's Lombardi." > >********************************************************************* > >The Light Bulb > >How many people does it take to change a light bulb at Lambeau Field? >Three. One to change it and two to talk about how good the old one was. > >********************************************************************* > >Cold Feet > >On the night after the Ice Bowl, Vince Lombardi got into bed with his >wife, Marie. Marie said "God your feet are cold". Vince said, "In bed you >may call me Vincent, Dear!" > >It is believed that this is actually a true story. > > > >>HOW ABOUT THEM COWBOYS? >> >> >>Q. What do they call a drug ring in Dallas? >>A. A huddle. >> >>Q. Who's the new defensive coordinator for the Dallas Cowboys? >>A. Johnny Cochran. >> >>Q. What's the Cowboy's new team nickname? >>A. South America's team. >> >>Q. Why would the Cowboys have beaten the Packers if they'd gone to Green >> Bay? >>A. Cause the 'Boys have more experience playing in white powder. >> >>Q. What's the difference between the Cowboys and the Cub Scouts? >>A. The Cub Scouts have adult supervision. >> >>Q. There are three Dallas Cowboys riding in a car. Who is driving? >>A. A police officer. >> >>Q. Did you hear that Emmitt Smith couldn't get into his house, after the >> Carolina Panther game? >>A. Somebody painted endzone on his front door mat. >> >>Q. What do Barry Switzer and Joe Paterno have in common. > >>A. Joe coaches Penn State and Barry coaches the state pen. > >> > >> >>There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long >> >> business >> >>trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try >> >>to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he >> >>didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. (For joke >> >>purposes, let's ignore what he might do while on his trip :-) ) So he >> >>went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He >thought >> >>about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for >> >>him. >> >> He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special >to >> >>please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. >> >>He >> >>explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know >of >> >>anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special >> >>attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her >> >>occupied for weeks, except-" and he stopped. >> >> "Except what?" the man asked. >> >> "Nothing, nothing." >> >> "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" >> >> "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the >> >> voodoo dick" >> >> "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. >> >> The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden >> >>box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very >> >>ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking >> >>deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man >> >>replied, >> >>"But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and >said >> >>"Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted >> >>over >> >>to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook >with >> >>the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door >> >>could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The >> >>voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent >once >> >>more.. >> >> "I'll take it!" said the businessman. >> >> The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally >> >>surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told >> >>her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was >say >> >>"Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things >> >>would >> >>be fine while he was gone. >> >> After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. >She >> >>thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she >> >>remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said >> >>"Voodoo dick, my >> >>pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It >was >> >>great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three >orgasms, >> >>she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but >> >>it was stuck >> >>in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but >nothing >> >>worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. >> >> So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. >> >>She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the >> >>hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, >another >> >>orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by >a >> >>policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had >> >>to >> >>drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been >drinking, >> >>but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop >> >>screwing. >> >> The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. >> >>Voodoo dick, my ass!" >> >> >> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx >> >> >> >> This twelve-year old boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead >frog >> >> on a string behind him, slaps a hundred-dollar bill on the >counter, >> >> and says "i want one of your women." >> >> >> >> The madam looks at him and says "don't you think you're a bit >young >> >> for that?" >> >> >> >> He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "i want one of >your >> >> women." >> >> >> >> The madam says "okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about twenty >> >> minutes." >> >> >> >> He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "she has to have >> >> active herpes." >> >> >> >> The madam starts to sputter and asks why, but he slaps another >hundred >> >> on the counter and says "active herpes." she responds, "okay, have >a >> >> seat- it'll be about ten minutes." >> >> >> >> Ten minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging >this >> >> dead frog) and do their deal... >> >> >> >> As he's leaving, the madam asks him "okay, why did you want >someone >> >> with active herpes?" >> >> >> >> The kid replies... >> >> >> >> "when i get home, i'm going to fuck the babysitter, and when mom >and >> >> dad get home, dad will take the babysitter home and fuck her on >the >> >> way. and when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs >and >> >> fuck. and tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman >will >> >> come in >> >> and mom will fuck him, and he's the bastard that ran over my >frog." >> >> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx x >x >> >> >> >> Son: "Dad. I have to do a special report for school, can I ask you >a >> >> question?" >> >> >> >> Father: "Sure son. What's the question?" Son: "What is politics?" >> >> >> >> Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage >earner >> >> so let's call me 'Capitalism'. Your mother is the administrator of >> >> money so we'll call her the 'Government'. We take care of your >needs, >> >> so we'll call you the 'People'. We'll call the maid 'The Working >> >> Class' and your baby brother we'll call 'The Future'. Do you >> >> understand son?" >> >> >> >> Son: "I'm not really sure Dad, I'll have to think about it." >> >> >> >> That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying. the boy went to >see >> >> what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriousely soiled >his >> >> diaper, the boy went to his parents room and found his mother >sound >> >> asleep. He went to the maids room, where peeking through the >keyhole, >> >> he saw his father having sex with the maid. The boy's knocking >went >> >> totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned >to >> >> his room and went back to sleep. >> >> >> >> The next morning, he reported to his father. "Dad, now I think I >> >> understand what politics are." >> >> >> >> Father: "Good Son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" >> >> >> >> Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, >> >> Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely >ignored, >> >> and the Future is full of shit." >> >> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx x >x >> >> >> >>In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. >> >> That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper. >> >> >> >>One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have >> >>dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed >> >>how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart >> >>he wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper. >> >> >> >>After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young >> >>priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the >> >>housekeeper and cook and that was that. >> >> >> >>About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, >> >>"Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been >> >>able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he >> >>took it, do you?" The Pastor said, " Well, I doubt it but I'll write >> >>him a letter." >> >> > > > > > >> >>So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take >> >>the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. >> >>But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for >> >>dinner." >> >> >> >>The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it as >> >>follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with >> >>the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the >> >>housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed >> >>you would find the gravy ladle." >> >> >> >>>xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx >> >> >> >>Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Jim, Rod and >> >>Derrick, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they >> >>were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was >> >>perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and >> >>you could smell her even over the Brimstone. >> >> >> >>The voice of the Devil was heard, "Jim, you have sinned! You are >> >>condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And >> >>Jim was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his >> >>torment. >> >> >> >>This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped >> >>when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting >> >>example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, >> >>covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her. >> >> >> >>The voice of the Devil was heard, "Rod, you have sinned! You are >> >>condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And >> >>Rod, like Jim, was whisked off. >> >> >> >>Derrick, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst >> >>when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained >> >>to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Derrick jumped up, >taking >> >>in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy >bikini. >> >>Then he heard the voiceof the Devil saying: >> >> >> >>"Cindy, you have sinned .......