 Dr. Nad's Collection Lawyer JokesA truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw apriest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I`m going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied thepriest. "No problem, Father! I`ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute heswerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn`t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I`m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That`s okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door." A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You thinkyou're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has adrinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called bothcounselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!" A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the young man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone." The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying "I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?" The plumber replied, "That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer." Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake him. Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic. Then there's the old story involving the theft of some chickens: Judge: Are you the defendant? Defendant: Nope, I'm the guy who stole the chickens. Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases. A lawyer's job is secure - who would build a robot to do nothing? A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who was 6'8", what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer. "You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket." "Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head." There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which the judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite." How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. What happens in a lawyer's afterlife? They stay on Earth because Heaven doesn't want them and Hell is afraid they will take over. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand. What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. What is the difference between a lawyer and a carp? One is a bottom-dwelling, slime sucking garbage eater...and the other is fish. Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetary. What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? Vampires only suck blood at night. What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman. What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket. What is the differenc between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got to pick first. Did you hear about that new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi. Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People couldn't decide which side to spit on. What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association? Yogurt has culture. Why did the lawyer cross the road? To get to the car accident on the other side. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand. A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day, but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: "$20 due for a consultation".
A lawyer is cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said, "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer. "No, I did not," said the doctor. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere." A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!".The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis- tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them." "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness. A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!" The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!" A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'" A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce." "How much for (other generic profession) brain?" "4 dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brain?" "100 dollars an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to get one ounce of brain?"
Music JokesWhy couldn't Mozart find his teacher? Because he was Haydn. What is the difference between... .. A french horn and a lawnmower? You can tune a lawnmower. .. A clarinet and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces. .. A saxophone and a chainsaw? The grip. .. An accordion and a trampoline? You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline. Q: How do you get 5 oboes in tune? A: Shoot 4 of them.
Q: How do you make a guitarist play quieter? A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: How do you make him stop? A: Put notes on it!
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They have a machine that does that now. Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians? A: A drummer. Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door ? A: The knocking always speeds up. Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ? A: They never know when to come in. Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light buld? A: 50. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better. Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? A: Their personality. Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? A: "I didn't wake up this morning..." Q: What's the difference between a moose and a blues band? A: The moose has the horns up front and the asshole behind.(oops) What's the difference between a viola and a violin? A violin burns faster. What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathisers. What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker? A dressmaker tucks up frills. What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline. A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor askes the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"
Computer Related JokesWordPerfect This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfectorganization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.""What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the wordswent away." "Went away?""They disappeared.""Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing.""Nothing?""It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?""How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?""What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?""I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?""Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "....... Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.""I can't reach.""Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?""No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?""Because there's a power outrage." "A power... A power outrage? Ah-ha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?""Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." You know it's time to join E-mail Junkies Anonymous when..." You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. You name your children eudora, aol and dotcom. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems. You start using smileys in your snail mail. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So youcheck it again. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask. You tell the cab driver you live athttp://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html You start tilting your head sideways to smile. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to a friend. Misc. JokesJust a point of interest: If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. If you bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79. My advice to you is to start drinking heavily and recycle. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: Simple Duties: You make the bed (+1) You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0) You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You leave the toilet seat up (-5) You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0) When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1) When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2) You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5) In the snow (+8) But return with beer (-5) You check out a suspicious noise at night (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5) You pummel it with a six iron (+10) It's her pet (-10) Social Engagements: Party: You stay by her side the entire party (0) You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2) Named Tiffany (-4) Tiffany is a dancer (-6) Tiffany has implants (-8) Her Birthday: You take her out to dinner (0) You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1) Okay, it is a sports bar (-2) And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3) It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted (-5) In all of the colors of your favorite sports team (-10) A Night Out: You take her to a movie (+2) You take her to a movie she likes (+4) You take her to a movie you hate (+6) You take her to a movie you like (-2) It's called DeathCop 9 (-3) Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9) You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15) A Night Out With the Boys: Go with a pal (-5) The pal is happily married (-4) Or frighteningly single (-7) And he drives a Mustang (-10) With a personalized license plate that reads GR8 N BED (-15) Your Physique: You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15) You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30) You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-800) The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?" You hesitate in responding (-10) You reply, "Where?" (-35) Any other response (-20) Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes (+5) You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+100) She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20) A middle-aged fellow bought a new Mercedes convertible and took it out to the Interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch this Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110, and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. Then his common sense returned and he thought "What in hell am I doing?" and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, examined it, and looked over the shiny new Mercedes. At last he said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork. So, if you can give me an excuse for your speeding and attempting to evade me that I haven't heard before, you can go!" With hardly a pause the man said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Off you go then," said the officer. The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund." The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?" The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has stolen our tent."
A guy goes into the store and says to the clerk, "I would like some Polish Sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy says, "Well, yes I am. If I
had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian??? Or if I had asked
for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?? Or if I had asked for a taco
would you ask if I was Mexican?" The clerk says, "Well, no." The guys says,
"Well, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????" Rejected Hallmark Greetings 1. My tire was thumping.... I thought it was flat.... when I looked at the tire.... I noticed your cat... Sorry 2. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 3. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 4. Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be... But don't fret about it .... She moved in with me 5. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry? A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes that he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man below on the ground. "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" the balloonist shouts. The man below replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man on the ground, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but of no use whatsoever." The man reflects for a moment, then says, "You must be a manager." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same situation you were in before we met, but now it's MY fault."
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very
bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says
sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? THE 15 BEST THINGS TO SAY IF CAUGHT NAPPING AT YOUR DESK... 15. They told me at the blood bank this might happen. 14. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved aboutin the last management course you sent me to. 13. Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out! 12. I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm. 11. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! 10. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance. 9. Actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). 8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Are you discriminating against people who practice Yoga? 7. Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. 6. The coffee machine is broke. 5. Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot. 4. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off. 3. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic! 2. Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands. AND: the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1. Amen. Three guys, a Dallas fan, a Packer fan, and a Viking fan are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Dallas Fan says, "I am a farmer, my Dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Texas." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Texas was forever made fertile for farming. The Viking Fan was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Minnesota, so that no infidels, Bear Fans, or Packer Fans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF', there was a huge wall Around Minnesota. Izzy, the Wisconsinite asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state; nothing can get in or out." Izzy says, "Fill it up with water." A saleswoman is driving through the Reservation toward home when she sees an Indian woman thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. As the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Indian woman gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian woman notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in the bag?" asks the Indian woman. "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband," says the saleswoman. The Indian lady is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade." There was this guy who was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes." RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS: Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all. And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with. During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that? He said ....Because you came home early. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...... But he pulled through. My mother had morning sickness -- after I was born. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said ... "I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide." My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor. I said to him "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said... "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. Fired! A young executive was leaving the office one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen", said the CEO, "this is important and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly", said the young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for help. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. "Excellent! Excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I need two copies of that." Three Men In a Bar A Texan, a Fib and a Cheesehead were drinking their respective favorite beverages in a bar. The Texan drained his glass of tequila,threw the half full bottle up in the air, drew and fired his pistol, shattering the bottle. The other two were shocked at his ruining perfectly good tequila. The Texan however, simply drew himself up and announced: "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila." The Fib, not to be outdone, drained his glass of wine, threw the wine bottle into the air, drew and fired his pistol, also shattering his bottle. Looking over at the other two with an air of superiority, he announced, "Where I come from, we have plenty of fine wine and the best of everything!" The Cheesehead drained his bottle of Leinies beer, threw it up in the air, drew his deer rifle, and shot the Fib dead. He then caught the bottle on the way down and showed it to the Texan: "Where I come from," he said," we recycle these... and we have plenty of FIBS." A Texan, a Fib and a Cheesehead were drinking their respective favorite beverages in a bar. The Texan drained his glass of tequila,threw the half full bottle up in the air, drew and fired his pistol, shattering the bottle. The other two were shocked at his ruining perfectly good tequila. The Texan however, simply drew himself up and announced: "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila." The Fib, not to be outdone, drained his glass of wine, threw the wine bottle into the air, drew and fired his pistol, also shattering his bottle. Looking over at the other two with an air of superiority, he announced, "Where I come from, we have plenty of fine wine and the best of everything!" The Cheesehead drained his bottle of Leinies beer, threw it up in the air, drew his deer rifle, and shot the Fib dead. He then caught the bottle on the way down and showed it to the Texan: "Where I come from," he said," we recycle these... and we have plenty of FIBS." A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says,"Wanna hear a "redneck" joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. And a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times." Subject: Stories from Flight Attendants.....apologizing for rough transport. Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt." An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." United Airlines FA, after a rough landing: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down." Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" From an Eastern FA, after a hard landing in Virginia Beach one evening: "Watch out opening the overhead compartments when you get up. Eastern doesn't want you to get boinked in the head or anything". Another FA's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." After a co-pilot landing: "Sorry about the rough landing, but I'm practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to lose your luggage." Student pilot to irate instructor: "Think about it. I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6 inches. 6 MEASLY INCHES! You need to get off my back, man!" Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best surgical patient: The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered". The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians arethe best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon says,: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a fewparts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You are all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no gut, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable." |
