Jape's Crazy Stories
Before starting, if you need clarification on any of these stories, it's just a HumanClick away.
Jape has a story to tell you. It's called...
Lost in California
(BTW, "I" means Jape, OK?)
I remember this time that I was 10 years old. I was in the car with Mom and Dad, and we went to this restaurant called "The Flintstones". We all went to sit down, and I had to go to the bathroom, reeeeeal bad. Anyhow, instead of going to the bathroom, I jumped out the window. I landed in the middle of the road, and a car hit me, reeeeeal bad. The car was all black. And then, all of a sudden, some Men in Black came. One of them said: "Sh*t. What kind of black hole would do this?" And some other Man in Black said: "Wait a minute. This guy might be worth a lot of money. Let's bring him as a toy for my stupid little daughter." And I said: "Please don't do this to me." And then the Men in Black said: "Get in the car, you @&%$!*^." As I got in the car, I sticked my head out the window and said: "AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!" and a truck hit me in the head. Afterwards, we got to a biiiiiig house. As we went in the house, I just heard: "Ooooohhh! It's a big, cuddly teddy bear!!!" And I said: "Kick me in the butt." And the Men in Black said: "May I?" And I said: "Sure." As he kicked my butt, I flew sky high and hit a laboratory. As I hit the ground, I heard some people talking. A big, tall one said: "You @%^*@$. You better come up with a small brain for my son, and you better come up with it by tommorrow!" And a weird looking one said: "EEEE heee heee heee heee. No problem, boss. I'll just take this small kid over here." And I said: "You dont want my brain. I don't even have a brain!!!" And the weird scientist said: "That's all right. I'll just take your intestines and organs, and I'll rip them out with a fork, that's all." And all of a sudden, a 2-ton Frankenstein popped up and attacked everybody in the room. I flushed myself in the toilet to escape. Somehow, I ended up in someone else's toilet. And I found... A round, banana-shaped chocolate bar in the toilet. I decided to eat it. (Ew!) It was good. (Double ew!) I gone further in the room. The only thing I saw was the floor and clouds. Then, I realized something... I was in an airplane!!! I said: "It'd be pretty stupid to flush myself in a toilet and end up in an airplane." Some guy came up to me and said: "Um, sir, get a seat. Please." And I said: "How did I get here?" And he said: "Who cares?!?!? Now get a seat, you moron!!! So, I decided to sit on Santa's lap. Santa said: "That's it. I'm putting you on the "Naughty" list." And I said: "Aw maaaaaaaaaaaaaan." And then, the speaker said: "We are now passing the 2-ton lady." I said: "2-ton lady? AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" And I jumped out of the window. Again. At the same time that I was falling, Superman passed by. He said: "Hey, kid." I said: "Superman! Help!!! He said: "That's it. You never give up. Bye." And he left me falling. Three people were talking in a restaurant below. The servant said: "Well, would you like some champagne?" Another guy said: "Sure." The other one said: "So what were you talking about? Seeing flying dogs?" "Yeah, I even see a falling person from the sky." As I fell in the restaurant kitchen, I said: "AAAAHHOoooooooffff..."And the other person said: "I'll be darned." As I realized I was in a plate, someone put a cover on me, and brought me to a weird person. The servant said: Would you like an ugly-looking shark, sir?" And the person said: "Yes, I would love to have an ugly-looking shark." As the servant lifted the cover, the person said: "Oh, dear god, NO!!! That is the ugliest-looking shark I've ever seen!!! Let me stab him in the butt!!!! And I said: "I'm a shark?" As he stabbed me in the butt, well, first, I remembered the Men in Black kicking my butt, so it hurt even more. Then, I landed in the Grand Canyon and a person was stuck there. " I said: "Holy moley, you're fat!" He said: "Mon p'tit snorro!!! Je ne suis pas si tant gros que ça! Tout le monde peut être pris ici!!!" And I said: "Yeah right." And the fat man said: "Je vais exploser!!!" Anyway, he blew up and I landed on top of my house. My dad said: "How did you get here?" I said: "I don't remember! I think I was lost in California and found a black hole and then ended up here." And that's the end...
NOT!!! Because here's Jape's next story:
The Booger
I was at my house, and there was no water from the tap, so I started drinking in Mom's weird bottles. And on a bottle, it said: "For Constipation". Anyhow, when I was finished, I decided to take a walk in the woods. Then, after a while, I saw a booger on the ground. He said: "What are you lookin' at, ya freakin' kid?" And I said: "Uh, who are you?" The booger said: "What does it look like, ya moron? I'm a booger!" And I said: "Great. First toilets can talk, and now boogers can talk, too!!!" The booger said: "Forget that. Would you like to get me some cheezy poofs at the "Mr. Spud" restaurant?" I said: "OK." As I arrived at the restaurant, there was a big cheezy poof that stood out on the roof. I said: "Wow. So this is the cheezy poof restaurant." The cheezy poof yawned and said: "Who do you think you are, disturbing me in my sleep?" I said: "This booger wanted to see you." The cheezy poof said: "Well first, ya gotta bring me my leg, Mr. Ice Cream." So, I walked further by Rexton, and I stumbled across a car, dragging me into the sewers. There was a giant round, banana-shaped chocolate bar that stood out. I said: "Have you seen Mr. Ice Cream?" The chocolate bar said: "You stink." And I said: "I thought you stunk." The chocolate bar said: "I may stink, but you stink worse." I said: "Forget that. Where's Mr. Ice Cream?!?!?" The chocolate bar said: "Go to the Ice Cream bar. He's on top of it." As I arrived at the bar, I saw Mr. Ice Cream!!!!! I said: "Hey, Mr. Ice Cream, can you come with me to see the cheezy poof?" Mr. Ice Cream said: "I would like to come with you, but I can't go anywhere without my leg, Mr. Cone." I said: "I'll be right back." As I walked near Big Cove, I stumbled across Mr. Pillow. Mr. Pillow said: "Oh my, who are you?" I said: "Have you seen Mr. Cone?" Mr. Pillow said: "Straight ahead. You can't miss it." As I walked straight ahead, I missed it. So I decided to go back a little. I saw a Tenga (from the Power Rangers show), the Ninja Turtles, Free Willy, the Power Rangers (I don't remember which ones), and I turned my head and saw Mr. Cone!!!!! Mr. Cone said: "Mama mia!! What do ya want-a?" And I said: "Would you come with me to find Mr. Ice Cream?" Mr. Cone said: "I would looooooooove to come with you, buuuuuuut I have to have Mr. Leg to walk. He's at China, tasting my lasagna." While I was headed for China, I stumbled across Mr. Leg!!!!! He said: "Who are you?" I said: "I'm Jape, who are you?"
Kewlio: (HEY, JAPE! That's not in the script!)
Jape: (Sorry, I got confused.)
Anyhow, I said: "Can you walk with me to find Mr. Cone?" Mr. Leg said: "What for?" I said: "This booger went to see this cheezy poof, and it didn't have a leg, so he asked me to find his leg, Mr. Ice Cream, who didn't have a leg either, so he asked me to find his leg, Mr. Cone, who didn't have a leg either, so he asked me to find his leg, and that would be you, Mr. Leg. So, do you beleive me?" Mr. Leg said: "No, I don't. But I'll follow you anyways." So, we got to Mr. Cone and then he and Mr. Leg merged together to make Coneleg. And Coneleg got to Mr. Ice cream and they merged together, making Icecreamconeleg. He got to the cheezy poof and they merged together, making...
Cheezypooficecreamconeleg!!!!!
He went to see the booger with me. The booger ate Cheezypooficecreamconeleg, and then he said: "Ah, that was good!!! Thanks for making me such a cheezy poofy, ice creamy, coney, leggy meal. Go home now, kid." As I went home, I really wanted to make a round, banana-shaped chocolate bar in the toilet, so that I could eat it. (Ew!) And that is the end...
For now.
Look up a few more stories by Jape himself.