My dad and Allan, his hired man, had filmed a television program for Channel 7 in Omaha on farm safety. I knew it was on Tuesday at 6pm and again Wednesday at 4pm, but it didn't occur to me what time it was until there were only about 5 minutes left of the Wednesday show. I was there when they filmed it, but I still wanted to see it on TV.

I turned on the television and dad had just parked the pickup halfway in a shed (the front was still sticking out). He and Allan got out and my dad began talking about the proper way to carry jugs of chemicals that didn't have lids. Allan picked up a jug and started carrying it straight out in front of him like you'd carry a mug. My dad explained that this was not the proper way and to NEVER carry them this way. He said that the weight of the chemical jug would take its toll on the wrist muscles, and sure enough, Allan's hand and lower arm began to shake, and as this happened, the jug shook and chemicals began shaking out of the top onto his skin. His skin started bubbling and he eventually shrieked and dropped the jug.

Then my dad began explaining the proper way to do it. He said you hold the jug down at your side so that it is basically an extension of your arm. This way the chemicals are always below your arm, therefore there's nothing to support that would weaken your arm muscles. He showed how to do this. Then he said that was all the time they had, and they hoped that we would benefit from this course in farm safety.

I then went upstairs and looked for the latest issue of the Auburn paper. I searched on the dishwasher but then noticed it lying in the middle of the living room floor. The first thing I saw on the front page was a picture of my dad and Allan and a story about their farm safety show. I didn't read it, but I noticed that there was a third broadcasting time from 7-10am on Thursday morning. I made a mental note not to forget it.

About halfway down on the front page was this picture of a night sky with all the stars and stuff, and superimposed on top of that was the negative image of the Middle School Girls Speech Team. It was basically just their heads arranged into a semicircular row of 4 in the back with 2 in the front. I remember that second from the right in back was Ann Able, front-right was Lindsay Hemmingsen, and back-left was Lindsay Hemmingsen's older (though non-existant in real life) sister. I don't remember the others.

On the second page, there was an artsy rendition of the girls high school volleyball team. It was sort of like a contour drawing, but it was more like the artist just drew the very dark areas, so that some girls appeared to not have noses or defined boundaries, but the lines and blobs were drawn smoothly and carefully enough that the missing lines were implied. It was pretty good, except I knew from something I had overheard previously that since they used all the good photos of the volleyball team for programs and other promotional bits, they had to give the artist outtakes to work with. Consequently, some of the girls in the picture were looking the wrong way, my sister Monica (second from left in the middle row) was in the middle of a sneeze, and Beth VonBergen (furthest right in the back row) was laughing. As a whole, though it was an excellent work of art, it was a terrible way to represent the team.

On the next page, Mat Field was reported to have settled out of court regarding his crimes against humanity. I don't know who you settle with in that case, but apparently someone spoke for humanity. In the next column, Mat Field was announced Optimist Youth of the Month. I remembered hearing about how embarrassed the Optimist club was, because they had made their decision prior to his conviction as an anti-humanity criminal. It was quite a flattering writeup on his behalf though. He seemed deserving. Of the award, that is. It's not my place to say if he was rightly convicted.

Skipping a page to 5, there was a photo of Aaron Decker sitting on the wrestling mat looking absolutely exhausted. His hair was all messed up and one of his singlet straps was off of his shoulder. When I saw the photo, I was like "Uh oh, Aaron got creamed." But the headline declared that he had won some wrestling tournament. I remember there being a moment of confusion as I tried to convince myself that it was Jared Decker and not Aaron, but the picture and headline wouldn't lie...

Right below that there was an article about Mr. Novell's retirement. He had been middle school football coach and shop teacher as well as high school golf coach. He had taken another job elsewhere out in central Nebraska. I remember turning to Monica, who was sitting on the couch, and saying "I know a girl at Lancaster who looks just like Mr Novell only without the moustache."

Skip another page to 7 where there was a picture of Mr Poppe, the boys basketball coach, standing out on the court with a disgusted look on his face. Apparently he had been ejected from a recent basketball game for calling the referee a "Long crap." I asked Monica if "long crap" was a current trendy term, but she assured me that it wasn't, and that Mr Poppe had just been spontaneously developing his own offensive terminology. It apparently worked, as the ref took offense to being referred to as a long crap, and Poppe was ejected.

After I was done reading the paper, I went down to the farmish area near our house to find my dad to ask him if he'd had any response to his farm show. He said that Allan was a little upset that he was portrayed as a guinea pig. My dad asked me to then go into a nearby grain bin and turn on the fan. I went over and searched for the switch but I couldn't find it. Right then I got this flash of Allan attacking me with a fence post, so I picked one up off the floor and held it up like a lance pointed at the door. Sure enough, Allan jumped in and yelled, thinking he'd take me by surprise, only I was ready for him. I don't really remember what happened after that, except I remember adjusting and re-writing the headline for that previously read issue of the Auburn newspaper.

Afterwards we all went up to my grandparents' house where Gloria and her new baby were (as far as I know she doesn't have a new baby). He looked just like Gavin, her son, but everyone was saying that he was much cuter. I didn't really see a difference. He started to climb onto a chair, but this cat pulled him down and then gave him his bottle. At first I thought nothing of it, but then I realized, "Hey, that's a cat!" Gloria explained that was his nanny and that it was supposed to be taking care of him.

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