02.28.03 VELLUM
you mayn't want to read this if you're easily nauseated.i've been using crest's dual whitening toothpaste. it's very, very strong. so much so that the skin inside my mouth comes off in sheets. literally. nothing sucks like feeling like a leper. unclean! unclean! i'm too cheap to buy a new toothpaste.
TAHIR
tahir is a dear, dear friend who's doing his MSc at McMaster's. he is simultaneously genius and silly. observe:
"curing cancer isn't the two-week project i thought it would be."
02.27.03 APOLOGY
i've behaved badly and i fear reprimand.
for a brief moment (as brief as a week can be), i let go of reality like a child lets go of a kite string.
"catch it! catch it quick!" my friends urged.
i should have heeded their warnings, but i let it fly a little longer than i should have. i now have it firmly in hand.
the damage done, however, is irreparable.
02.26.03 SUDDEN REALIZATION
dear readers - all you jason loves, zartans, and geoff of new zealands: it's been a total of 11 days of non-stop lovey-dovey-ness. i promise to stop soon. i will also try to bring back the disdain and cynicism that endeared me to you in the first place.
THE BUBBLE BURSTS
josh: you're killing me! i'm drained of what exuberance i had.hurt is inevitable when you gamble with love. especially when it's high-stakes.
i have two illusions about him:
1. he cares
2. that we're closer than we actually are
02.25.03 ECSTATIC, EBULLIENT, EFFERVESCENT
i can think of 9 words that begin with 'e' that describe how i feel.i'm excited and nervous. a feeling of sourness spreads from my center, through my limbs, and down to my fingertips. i'm so exhilerated, i feel like i have to pee all the time.
i'm sorry, was that an over-share?
02.24.03 EASY AS BREATHING
i fall in and out of love at the drop of a hat.it makes for very interesting conversation starters.
02.23.03 EBULLIENT
he bends down from lofty heights
to kiss me. me! trembling and mortal.
it's as pablo neruda promised:
a burst of sweetness.if only i could coax this to the cusp of reality.
02.21.03 TRAIN WRECK UPDATE
it's been 4.5 painful hours since last. you may want to avert your eyes.i've abandoned any semblance of self-possession or dignity. i am desperately grasping and gasping. i need to put an end to the pathetic, melodramatic, writhing mass that i've become before i embarass myself any further.
TRAIN WRECK WAITING TO HAPPEN
it's been a little over 2 hours since i've gotten into the office. i have, so far, promoted a file to the test server, added a bit of text to a .gif, messed around with photoshop to see if i can resize said .gif to be idiot-proof (impossible, i found), and, mostly, daydreamed about my new paramour.he kisses (to steal a movie line -- too ashamed to admit which) like a nymphomaniac on death row. desafortunadamente, he exists in my memory and imagination. are we detecting a trend here?
i'm setting myself up for disappointment.
02.20.03 EUPHORIA
i am euphoric. it's lovely. i'd like to roll around in the warm, soft, pearly pink fluff that it is.oh, and did i mention that my father thinks i'm bipolar? ha!
02.19.03 ENCORE
i (insert dramatic pause here) am in love. with someone else. again.well, i think i'm in love.
i also think i use the term "love" a little too flippantly.
02.16.03 I WANT TO KNOW
i've watched "in the mood for love" a few times before. five, i think. it's very good. an excellent movie. go see it. now.it's valentine's day, almost midnight, and it's on tv. so i watch. and for the first time, i can't help crying, because now i know what it's like: surreptitiously watching, waiting, wondering, starving for little details. what it's like to desperately want something i can't have.
unfortunately for me, it's an entirely one-way thing.
02.15.03 CHOICE VS. ABILITY
it's pretty bad when you're in love with someone who won't return your love.
what's arguably worse, though, is being in love with someone who CAN'T.
02.14.03 SLEEPING WITH THE FISH
there's a restaurant down the street from where i work. it's called "mermaid fish & chips". i wonder what they do with the upper half of the body.
02.13.03 WATCH THE BIRDIE
care to see the penguins?ughhh... voy a morir.
02.12.03 STARTING LINE
each morning, i step off the streetcar at jarvis & college. at the south-west corner, i take in a view of the allen gardens. always, it's those dark, bare branches silhouetted against the sky, the glass dome of the conservatory peeking out from behind the stone church.
but the sky -- the sky! a matte dove grey, pink with rosy dawn, white-bright with thin winter sunlight. this is when it all begins.
02.11.03 MEN
i feel discouraged.i try to be inoffensive but end up pleasing none. i look like an idiot from both sides. maybe i am. maybe i'm too stupid to realize i'm an imbecile.
02.05.03 YOU KNOW YOUR JOB'S NOT STIMULATING WHEN
my bosses left for a meeting and i kept working. 5 minutes later, i think, "arg! you're wasting precious Wasting Time!" (Wasting Time being time frittered away in non-work pursuits, such as updating personal websites).