indie woke that morning to the piercing scream of the alarm. fuck, she was tired. the phone had kept ringing during the night but she couldn’t wake herself enough to answer it. she shut off the alarm and turned back into the thick warmth of her covers. she contemplated the idea of skipping but couldn’t fall back asleep. frustrated, she got up and started getting ready for school, when she heard the front door click shut and faint footsteps.
“lisp?” indie asked, going upstairs. lisp gave her a tired look mingled with pity. lisp started to say something but indie silenced her. lisp was too tired, too drunk, too backdrafted to think straight. indie sent her off to bed before leaving. once at school, indie started to become aware of the stares people were giving her, all filled with sympathy. indie shrugged them off and went down to the tech area, where prototype undoubtedly was. he was always working on some proggie or other on the comps; he rarely went anywhere else. the tech area was devoid of all people, lit garishly by fluorescent lights. prototype was a lone figure in the sterile environment. he didn’t bother to look up at her when she opened the heavy metal doors.
“hey there, prototype.” indie said softly, not wanting to shock him back suddenly into the real world, to him, known as the big room with the blue ceiling. prototype looked up from the glowing screen.
“nu-nach, indie.” he asked, not wasting words.
“nu-nach.” indie grinned. “i’m doing alright, although everyone’s staring at me. any ideas?” indie asked. prototype shrugged.
“i don’t know, but i think tabloid would.” prototype gave her a questioning look, knowing she had something to ask.
“well, i was wondering if you could get the most recent version of the grade 9 math midterm; i promised self-pity that i’d get it for him.” indie answered sheepishly, knowing that prototype disapproved of doing such favours for self-pity; prototype thought self pity ought to do his own work and actually try to learn something rather than always taking the easy way out. self pity had been stuck in grade 9 math for 4 years already. if self-pity wanted to waste his life away, it was his choice. besides, he’d do it for indie. prototype closed his proggie and got back to the mainframe. with a few deft clicks of the keys, he opened a menu and was asked for a login and password. he looked up and grinned scarily up at her.
“school security system sucks. simple game cracker hacks it.” he answered in response to her look. a few minutes later, a copy of the test was printed out, and handed to indie with a flourish.
“thanks, i owe you.” indie said, tucking the papers into her backpack.
“not a problem. always glad to be of service.” although he looked like the typical scrawny nerd-geek hacker, he was quite the gentleman. “k’pla.” he saluted in klingon.
“k’pla.” indie answered. “live long and prosper.” she added, with the corresponding vulcan salute.
“peace and long life.” he grinned, and he turned back to his comp. indie left the tech area, and ran into some testosterone-filled, purely brawn males, whom she recognized as some of face’s friends. they looked at her with contempt; what had she done? they didn’t say anything as she brushed past them. it started to annoy her that something was up but she didn’t know what it was. why were they staring at her like some freak show attraction? she remembered prototype’s advice and decided to look for tabloid, the school’s biggest gossip; she would know what was going on. she walked into the cafeteria where one always found tabloid, and instantly tabloid was beside her, her arm around indie’s shoulder which refused to be pushed off.
“oh, you poor thing, indie, i heard about face...” tabloid’s voice trailed off. so people already knew about her and the face breaking up. sure, she had once been obsessed with face and everyone knew how much she loved him, but they didn’t expect her to be so distraught, did they?
“it’s okay, it really is.” indie reassured her. tabloid looked shocked.
“well, are you sure? are you handling okay?” tabloid’s fake plastic sympathy was pissing the hell out of her.
“i’m positive, i’m fine.” indie waved and left. as she walked down the sterile halls, she was overcome by the monotony and boredom of everything. the pleasure she once derived from the stability vanished. everything had failed to interest her as she floated from one class to another, barely aware of her surroundings.
*
indie stepped out of someone’s car as they began to pull away, joining the darkness where the streetlamps cast no light. she stood facing valium’s house, gaudily lit and throbbing with music and life. peering into the windows she caught a glimpse of lisp, laughing as someone whispered secrets into her ear. resolving herself, she pushed open the doors and was immediately drowned in smoke, noise and body heat. god, it was crowded. as she pushed her way through the crowd, they started looking and pointing in her direction, whispering in hushed voices about her. indie wasn’t surprised, after all, face was not one to be toyed with. what face wanted he got, and now that indie rejected him...lisp glanced up from her corner and saw indie making her way over. immediately she sprang up and took her arm sympathetically.
“oh, indie, i’m shocked. i mean, face...” indie pushed off lisp’s hand. so she broke up with him. so what?
“look, he and i broke up and that’s all there is to it.” indie said tensely. lisp was stunned. she stood there glassy-eyed, staring at indie in incredulous doubt. indie suddenly felt guilty. lisp was still just a baby, after all. she felt as though she had kicked a kitten. indie opened her mouth to apologize but was cut short by lisp’s shocked whisper.
“face is dead. he o.d.’d last night. i thought you knew. everyone knew. face is gone.” it took a moment for indie to process what lisp had just told her. she laughed a bitter laugh. ironic how she was the last to know. oh well, so he was dead. dead. she didn’t know what to make of it. it wasn’t her fault, but a wave of guilt washed over her.
lisp must have read her thoughts because she murmured “hey, it wasn’t your fault. this has nothing to do with you.” that’s right. she didn’t kill him. she didn’t make him die. the surrounding crowd began to return to its original chatter. the noise was somehow comforting. loud, blurred, unintrusive. the crowd around her was sympathetically polite, too self-absorbed to offer their condolences. she was secretly glad that he was dead. dead dead dead. no one knew face like she did. the world was better without him. sometimes he’d get so high he didn’t know what he was doing. absentmindedly, she fingered her brow, feeling for the scar.
“hey ind, you alright?” indie broke out of her reverie and found herself facing obnoxion.
“you almost sound as if you cared for a minute there.” obnoxion never cared for anyone but himself, but she had long gotten used to it. she turned and started to leave when he grabbed her arm.
“hey, how about it? i mean, i’m not such a bad guy.” she made a noise remarkably close to a snort and walked off. why had she fucking bothered to come in the first place? she was only asking for it. weaving her way between the hollow shadows of people, she made her way to the door. she threw it open. a sharp gust of wind knifed through her coat and cut her face. she rubbed her hands as she trotted down the sidewalk. she bent her head, watching the ground, as she hurried against the wind. she heard a car pull up beside her and she glanced cautiously to her right. obnoxion rolled down the window.
“hey, ind, wanna ride? c’mon, you know you want it.” indie felt her resolve weaken. “eight blocks. that’s an awful lot, especially in this weather. c’mon, i promise to be a good boy,” he coaxed in a honeyed voice. good lord, he could convince a rock to jump. she sighed and got in. she clamped her teeth shut and refused to answer to any of obnoxion’s comments with anything more than a cursory response. the ride seemed to last an eternity, listening to him and his pathetic little ploy. he finally pulled up to lisp’s and she jumped out. hurrying up the steps to avoid obnoxion’s sales pitch, she dug in her pockets to find her keys. her eyes strained to see the keyhole in the dim light of the streetlight, shadowed by an enormous tree in the yard. something was wrong. she didn’t hear anything from obnoxion. as she opened the door, she turned around and looked curiously at obnoxion, still sitting in his car, no longer trying to ply her into conspiring with him. he merely gave her a warm smile and a wave. suddenly indie felt a pang in her heart. funny how obnoxion could still do that to her after all this time. she shut the door and leaned against it, submerged in the friendly darkness. she made her way downstairs. the washing from the day before was done. she unloaded the dryer and buried her face in the soft, fresh smelling clothes. folding them, she thought about face’s death for the first time that night. it hurt her, it really did. underneath all her rage, she still cared for him. maybe not love, but gratitude for the man that had taken care of her when no one else acknowledged her existence. she hadn’t had a chance to forgive him, never mind thank him. to her own surprise, tears rolled slowly down the curve of her cheek. she sobbed openly when she had realized the futility of trying to fight her tears. why did she have to feel for him? she tried remembering things that would contradict her sadness. she remembered when he was drunk, when he was high, when he was an asshole, when he was violent, when he had slammed her into the wall. she felt the scar on her brow, but ironically, it made her cry more. hours later she heard the lock click in the door, heard the door open and close, and heard footsteps coming down towards her. the lights clicked on, and indie looked towards the light. lisp was silhouetted on the stairs with valium behind her. lisp didn’t say anything as she fed her some sort of downer, no doubt acquired from valium, and indie didn’t object. soon after, and much to her delight, she drifted off into a mindless unconsciousness where pain didn’t exist.
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