not envy but jealousy, at 4 am

i remember fumbling about in the dark for a pen, cos i had to write it down; it was important to me. done in complete darkness, i’m proud that it’s still legible.

as i went up the stairs, i thought somebody was awake. alarmed, i scanned the rooms only to find that everyone was sleeping. i thought it had become bright when really, it was only my eyes which had grown accustomed to the dark.

it wasn’t about me being jealous of oliver and juula - it was my jealousy of myself. although oliver was a catalyst in the realization.

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