april - june 2004

06.26.04    AND WHAT ABOUT MY MIND?
i'm not interesting enough to have a 10-year old secret admirer, but i'm uninteresting enough to like found magazine. their book, though, is disappointing.

06.24.04    SUNSET
the sky was like this tonight. it was beautiful.

06.20.04    MY HERO
yesterday, kevin and i went to centre island to watch the dragon boat races. we walked barefoot along the beach and then the pier, which is about 30 m long and a couple metres above the water. i jokingly threaten to throw kevin's shoes into the water when he expresses a desire to dive off the pier. not five minutes later, i accidentally knock one of my own shoes overboard.

"crapfuck!"

a dozen onlookers lean over the railing to watch my red converse sneaker float. i deliberate about whether or not i want it back: on one hand, it's just a shoe, it's 15 m from shore, and lake ontario is pretty damned cold. on the other, they're my cons! from brasil!

a heckler calls out, "if he loves you, he'll get it!" all eyes turn toward kevin.

and yes, he goes into lake ontario and swims after the shoe that is slowly floating away. he comes back, frozen yet triumphant, only to get a talking to by a lifeguard for having swum past the pile of rocks that serve as a breakwater. this is one of the reasons i can't get enough of this man.

06.11.04    BLOG ADDICTION
i've come to actually like dooce. she used to frighten me with her brash frankness, but now i can't get enough.

(seeing this picture online made someone feel a little less special so it's gone now)		it's 2 a.m. i have to drive to tobermorey tomorrow morning for tif's scuba certification. i'm hoping for sun and hot weather. i am so pasty.

i also used to not like my boobs because i thought they weren't big enough. now, i like them just fine.

06.06.04    SUNDAY AFTERNOON
kevin and i didn't stay permanently broken-up. it lasted approximately eight hours, the last of which was sort of agonizing and the last 20 minutes, very much so. a little bit of residual distance remained (at least, i felt so) until this aft.

post-dim sum lunch, kevin invites me over. i'm hesitant and even reluctant: he's doing chores and i'd simply be watching while simultaneously organising trip photos. i end up going; what else would i do? and it turns into a lovely bit of laughing coziness punctuated by ho lee chow which allows us to order online and will deliver. hooray! we never have to leave the house again.

tangent: i get home and my bedroom door is closed. cookiy is screaming to get in, i open the door and she dashes in to claim a spot at the foot of my bed. she's now lying down quietly, a big long crescent-shape of a cat.

tangent 2: i have a livejournal. the simplicity of typing and not having to html it is very convenient, and it even has a little form to input my current mood and music. i'm trying to resist it and stay faithful to this weblog.

tangent 3: someone suggested that my inaction may be a consequence of fear of failure. i'd rather not do it if i can't do it right? something like that. this as a result of me saying i'd like to participate in markham's "artists in the park" exhibit but what if...? and i was promptly cut short and pissed on.

06.01.04    CONSEQUENCE
two hours ago, i broke up with kevin. no particular reason other than a haunting feeling i should do so. i think it's a side-effect of travelling; i routinely would break up with jacob after i came back from any trip lasting more than two weeks.

this time, though, i waited two days for the feeling to pass and it didn't. i went through the motions and nothing. i don't know if this is a grave error on my part, but i've made my bed and i'll lie in it.

05.21.04    VACA

i'm in napoli, italy! and before that, rome, vatican city, florence. and cannes, france (no brad pitt sighting) and barcelona, spain.

05.07.04    LIKE I GIVE A DAMN
Nihilist Bear

nihilist bear

which dysfunctional care bear are you?
brought to you by quizilla

05.03.04    LET'S ROB A BANK
there are lots of fun things out there. here is a fun thing, but the price makes it less fun. no wonder artists are starving. one day, when i'm rich, i shall be too preoccupied with accumulating more wealth to want to play with lomographic and large format cameras.

04.30.04    INTERPRETATIONS WELCOME
i've been having strange dreams lately.

  • i'm in a wine cellar. kevin's brother (kevin has no siblings) lunges and kisses me and i'm not sure if i like it or not. later, kevin and i sit in the car while i deliberate whether or not i tell him but can't because family members keep interrupting. [read: i'm not sure if i want a monogamous relationship, of which i feel my family is getting in the way.]
  • i'm four months pregnant and i go into early labour. i give birth to a pig baby which is taken away from me and preserved in a jar of formaldehyde. i feel no disgust nor attachment to the pig-baby. [read: if i get pregnant, i'm aborting without any second thoughts. yeah, that's right, i'd kill my baby.]
  • i'm upset with my hair and cut it. the segments are of all different lengths; some parts are shaved, and my scalp is bloody from various scissor-induced gouges. i look like a sadistic 5 year-old's barbie. [read: i feel ugly and have self-image/self-mutilation issues.]
  • i'm meeting kevin's parents. he's a drummer in a garage band so i'm left alone to talk to his mother. instead, i hide in a closet with a tray of pink jell-o wrap-like desserts she's made and eat them all in a panic. [read: i'm afraid of his mother and am self-medicating with gelatin.]

    04.22.04    PICK-UP LINE
    jes: tell me something romantic.
    kevin: i thought of you today when i stole a urine sample cup.
    riiiiight. and i'm dating this guy.

    04.21.04    NIAGARA
    kevin and i went to niagara for 3 days - 2 nights of trashy vaca: tourist-trapping haunted house (in which he dragged me along while i cowered behind him and screamed at everything), wax museum, $7 bottle of wine, not-good dial-up porn, flavoured condoms everywhere. no heart-shaped jacuzzi tub or air-brushed souvenir t-shirts, though.

    60 hours of straight one-on-one time and we haven't torn each other to shreds. woo!

    04.12.04    CHICANERY
    i'm intensely dissatisfied with a two things.
    1. edwin-tyler. apparently we don't agree on what "we" were. it's like we went to the cinema and sat through the same movie, only what i saw was a foreign musical while he saw a gory 70s-style slasher film. i'm vastly annoyed, and feel deceived. i feel manipulated (john was right).
    2. myself. i'm all over the map. my emotional pendulum swings in 11 dimensions. i'd like to be normal, only i have no experience as such nor do i know how a normal person controls their feelings, if indeed what i feel in any given 30-second span is average. how does one deal with the zillions of insane and absurd thoughts/feelings? purge or suppress? what type of filter to employ?
    both these make me want to cut all ties and stew in my own filth until i emerge phoenix-like, wise and benevolent and best of all, emotionally stable. i feel very angry. upset. disgusted. sulky. nauseated. irrelevant.

    04.11.04    PAUSE
    Deep in the sun-search'd growths the dragon-fly
    Hangs like a blue thread loosen'd from the sky:
        So this wing'd hour is dropt to us from above.
    Oh! Clasp we to our hearts, for deathless dower,
    This close-companion'd inarticulate hour
        When two-fold silence was the song of love.
    -Dante Gabriel Rossetti, Silent Noon
    04.07.04    FAQ
     i need to develop a neat, two-sentence pat answer when a potential employer asks, "so. what do you want to do with your life?" it's woefully apparent through my CV that i have absolutely no idea; my work experience is all over the board (which means i'm versatile).

    "i only want this job for the paycheque so i can fuel my artistic side-interests" doesn't seem like the right thing to say.

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