03.26.03 YUMEIJI'S THEME
the yearning voices of cello, viola, and violin echo my own. the strings and their fluid, drawn-out notes tug at my tendons; the edges of me disappear. this excruciating bittersweetness of not knowing is unbearable.
03.25.03 STANDARDS
a vagrant tried to pick me up yesterday, as i was walking around in a park during my lunch hour. i had a brief vision of a bleak future, meeting at dim street corners and sharing lunches on top of heating vents.incidentally, this is the same park where i got attacked by a squirrel.
03.24.03 MELODRAMATIC HAIKU
why won't you call or e-mail?
i'm crazy for you!
you delight in this torture.
03.19.03 I (DRAMATIC PAUSE) AM IN ... ?
last night's "thing" was fantastic. this guy is completely beyond the scope of my words. i am totally intrigued by him. this is very dangerous.
03.18.03 T MINUS ONE POINT FIVE
i got a cold sore this morning. what an inopportune time! john's moral is: "don't curse pox unto others if you thy self don't want pox ... or something like that."
03.17.03 AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH
reading the nerd's guide to sex. an excerpt:
All women have lovely breasts. No breast is too small or too big or not shaped right. And if you're ever asked by a woman if there's anything wrong with her breasts, "Just say No!" To criticize a woman's breasts it to invite death.
03.16.03 SELF-RESTRAINT
curses and epithets! 8 days and my impatience is turning to indifference. again. a pox!
03.14.03 ONLY TO ME
bah, i got rid of today's previous entry; it was too self-pitying and gave so-and-so way too much credit for having sway over me. instead, i will regale you with a true story of what happened to me.yesterday during my lunch break, i went for a walk in allan gardens which is across the street from my office. some squirrels came up to me and were clearly asking to be fed, so i went and bought a large bag of in-shell peanuts. one particularly bold squirrel came up and took a peanut from my hand. it bit me. then, a squirrel that had snuck up on my left side clawed my leg in a futile attempt to make me drop the bag of peanuts. these guys are cutthroat! watch out for them if you're in the area.
03.12.03 STARTLING REALIZATION
this is a little frightening. john: you may want to skip this.i'm hot for every star trek doctor, with a few exceptions.
dr. phlox does nothing for me. call me racist, but i'm never a fan of inter-species dating (technically, a computer program isn't a species). and as for dr. pulaski, every time she was on, i prayed for dr. crusher to come back. she had issues with data, and my thing for data is a whole other, er, thing.
- dr. mccoy? what a rogue; they don't call him "bones" for nothing, you know!
- dr. crusher -- her perfection is such that i can't adequately express it; my words are crude and crumble to ash.
- if dr. julian bashir if were my doctor, you couldn't say 'hypochondriac' fast enough. must..stop...fantasizing...
- The Doctor, aka "zimmermann", displays behaviour which, in my opinion, belies a deliciously kinky s&m bent (i'm making a cracking-whip noise here).
03.11.03 YIKES!
and just last night, i was only schizotypal.
Disorder Rating Paranoid: Moderate Schizoid: High Schizotypal: High Antisocial: Low Borderline: Very High Histrionic: Moderate Narcissistic: Low Avoidant: Moderate Dependent: Moderate Obsessive-Compulsive: High
-- Click Here To Take The Test --
aside:
oh, and this black, bleeding wad of shredded flesh on my sleeve? it's my heart.
03.10.03 KEVIN ANDREWS
i spent all last night wreaking general havoc in my room, rooting through old letters and records, trying to find a way to contact kevin. this is what i have to say to him:kevin, i behaved poorly and i'm sorry. forgive me?
i think all this past-resurrecting is some kind of devious, subconscious effort to get back to the person i was before jacob.
it's now 12 hours later. i spent the evening writing out identical notecards to go into identical envelopes, addressed to every Andrews in Terrace, BC. i don't mind the cost; it's a pittance compared to what i've lost. the only thing i mind is licking all those stamps and envelopes: they taste like dried shiitake mushrooms.
03.07.03 ABSOLUTE
congratulate me. i've finished my short story. it took me a week, which is far longer than it ought to have been, considering it's only 9 pages (handwritten).
the story is intended for toronto star's short story contest. i think it's crispy good (such as i am), but i'll run it by a few hapless friends and see what they think.i'm sure turf's admonition applies: unless people say, "your feet smell really nice", please assume they stink. the same goes for your poetry.
03.06.03 FICKLE
this week, i've run the whole gamut of emotions. this has got to be some kind of world record.on a more sober note, i apologize to all who had to tolerate me going from HEH (hyper-excited-happy), pleased, doubtful, sad, upset, angry, bitter, spiteful, and then back to HEH again. heh heh heh. pass the mood stabilizers.
03.05.03 PLAGUE PLAGUE POX!
fortunately for me, i have friends who look out for me and review all outgoing content so that i don't come across as that psycho-as-an-ex-only-i-never-got-to-sample-the-goods girl. they were too late to save me from the simple category of "desperate". sigh. anyway, for your reading amusement, here are several versions of an e-mail that got filtered:version 1:
i've been forced to conclude that you're either cruel or insincere.
cruel? fine, i can accept that. applaud, even. i can't be bothered with insincerity.
perhaps you're even a bit of a coward. a girl shows you a brief flash of old affection and you're off in a corner, fingers in your ears, singing as loudly as you can.
your past certainly doesn't disappear, and neither will i.
a pox on you!version 2 (concise version):
a pox on you!version 2.1 (stolen from goats; see 03.03.03):
a pox on you!
cocoa pox, of course; the most delicious kind! and part of a complete breakfast!version drunk:
a box on you!
03.04.03 UNACCEPTABLE
i can't stand unjustifiably slow people, especially on transit during rush hour. if they're slow because they have children, or are elderly, or are disabled, then fine, i can deal. but those who don't have a reason should speed up; this is toronto and people are in a hurry here.new policy: all unjustifiably slow people will be shot on sight.
problem: dead slow people are 100% slower than slow people.i can hear tif, the goddess of kindness and tolerance, saying, "what about people who want a leisurely commute?"
to which i answer, "leisurely? leisurely?! if they want leisure, then move to fucking vancouver!"
DROWNING OF THIRST
i'm surrounded by men. good-looking men with nice smiles, stylish haircuts, and snazzy clothes. men with good hygiene, university degrees, and regular paycheques. men who don't appear to have penchants for juvenile fart jokes or obviously politically incorrect leanings.
and yet, of all these, i want none.
i desire only that one man. and yes, it's sad.
03.03.03 LIFE IN THE DAY OF
i've found that my ability to aimlessly surf the net is infinite, given a sufficiently engaging site. observe.o internet! thou art the last boundary between me and lethal boredom-induced internal haemorrhaging.
03.02.03 LOVE TIPS
i realize i should be the last person to be doling out advice to the lovelorn, but i believe i've hit upon a pithy bit of advice.
boys: when it comes to girls and affection, do not be the first to reveal your feelings. otherwise she will be cruel and without mercy.
03.01.03 SWAN LAKE
went to see national ballet of canada's 'swan lake' last night with my sister. it was excellent. i love the magic of the theater. i love those luminously fluid girls, made of milk and gelatine.
the only problems i had were with the male characters; not the dancers but the characters themselves.first, rothbart. who is this guy and where does he come from? i read somewhere that he was a magician of some sort, but that didn't come across. why does rothbart want to trick siegfried? what motivation does he have to destroy siegfried's kingdom? and, most importantly, where did he get 42 swans? some things that came to mind during:
- rothbart's: purveyor of fine swans since 1848
- swans r us
- rothbart's swan mart
second, inter-special dating. am i the only one bothered by this? not only are odette and odile another species, they're from another animal class. i wanted to call out, "siegfried! for chrissake, she's a fucking SWAN."
and this from someone who who doesn't always have a firm grasp on reality when it comes to "love". that's saying something.