OPENING MUSIC

APPLAUSE

Jerry: Hello and welcome to the show tonight. Tonight we're going to have guests revealing shocking secrets to their lovers.

AUDIENCE GOES OOOOO!!!!

Jerry: Meet Edie. Hi Edie!

Edie: (sweetly and flirtatiosly) Hello Jerry! (big smile)

Jerry: So Edie you've been going with this guy for quite a while now, have you? Describe your relationship.

Edie: Well, Bobby is a very special person to me. He's been there for me when I was going through a hard time in my life with my career. I'm an actress, you know. What are you laughing about? (She gets up) Don't I look good? (She wears a sparkly mini dress and stiletto heels) C'mon, I know you want me! (She sits) Sheesh.

Jerry: What did you bring with you Edie? You brought some stuff on the show with you.

Edie: Yes, these are for Bobby. (She giggles) Okay, I have flowers, and he always says "Keep a good head and always carry a lightbulb, so I brought him this. (She takes out a giant lightbulb)

(HUGE laughter from audience)

Jerry: Hahah, uh Dear, if you really love me you wouldn't give me diamonds, you'd give me a lightblub! Hahaha, I'm sorry Edie, I'm just joking. So you have all these things for him, but you know Bob, that's his name right?

Edie: Yes.

Jerry: Well, you know Bob has something to tell you, right?

Edie: Yes.

Jerry:(to audience) Shall we meet him?

Audience: Yeah!

Jerry: Here's Bob!

(Bob comes out and the audience laughs)

Bob:(to audience) Hey, what's yer problem? Man. . .(sits next to Edie)

Jerry: Hi Bob, welcome to the show.

Bob: Hi Jerry. (He fidgets in his chair and scratches his nose)

Jerry: So Bob, you're going with Edie know right?

Bob: Yeah, I guess you could say that.

Jerry: How long have you been together?

Bob: Oh, about six months, I think.

Jerry: You have something you want to tell her, right?

Bob: (fidgets more) Uhh, yeah. There's something I need to say.

Jerry: OK, Bob go ahead. Talk to her, I'll step out of it.

Bob: (to Edie and yanking on his hair at the back) Edie, I'm uhhh . . .

Edie: Yes? What?

Bob: I'm married.

Edie: What? WHAT??!!!

Jerry: Bob, you've been married to someone else for a month now right?

Bob: Yes, I have.

(Edie screams and throws the flowers on Bob and tries to hit him with the lightbulb, but is stopped by the bald guy)

Jerry: Bob, why did you marry someone else and not tell her about it? Were you with this other woman at the same that you were with Edie?

Bob: Look, I'm not the bad guy here. It's just that, you know, I loved both Edie and Sara, and since Sara's pregnant, I thought I would choose her.

Edie: She's WHAT! Wait, is it that woman I saw you with at Neuwirth's house? You said she was your cousin!

Bob: I was waiting for the right time to tell you.

Edie: Fuck you bastard.

Jerry: Allright, let's meet the wife. Here's Sara!

(Edie flies like a bat out of hell at Sara)

Edie: Fuck you bitch! Fuck you!!!!!

Sara: EEEEEK Let go of me!!!! Let go!

(Edie and Sara are on the floor. Edie scratches Sara's face and rips out some of her hair. Security guards pry them away)

Edie: I'll kill you bitch!! I hate you!!!

Sara: Hey, Bobby chose ME alright! GET OVER IT!

(Bob giggles, he's clearly enjoying this)

Jerry: Yeah, Edie, she's pregnant. DON'T EVER HIT A PREGNANT WOMAN.

Edie: I don't care. . .

Audience chants: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Jerry: It doesn't matter. SHE'S PREGNANT.

Edie: (begrudgingly) I'm sorry.

Jerry: Welcome to the show Sara. Some welcome, huh?

Sara: Yeah.

Jerry: So talk to us.

Sara: Bob and I are happily married Edie, so BACK OFF. I can't believe this girl. She's keeps pestering my husband to make this stupid movie and keeps calling him all the time.

Edie: Hey, I didn't know about you, bitch. Hey did you get knocked up on purpose?

Jerry: I think that Edie is clearly hurt and humiliated by all this, but she has a point. Why weren't you honest with her Bob?

Bob: I was afraid; I knew she would be mad. . .I mean, look at her now. . .

Jerry: OK, questions from the audience.

Fat Man: Hey, Edie if that creep doesn't want you, I'm available!

Edie: I DON'T THINK SO!

Woman: Maybe Bob left you for Sara because she dresses like a lady while you dress like a two-bit whore.

Edie: (stands up) That is not true! You don't know me! Hey woman, I'd like to see YOUR fat ass in this! C'mon Sara, let's see what YOU got!

Man: Bob, do you like lightbulbs because you style your hair with them. You know, static electricity?

(huge laughter from audience)

Bob: HEY!!! Why don't you sit your ass down and shut the fuck up!!!! You stupid prick.

Jerry: OK, we have to go to break. Next up, Edie's ex boss Andy.

Announcer: Coming up next on Jerry. . .

Shows footage of Andy beating up Bob to a pulp. Sara rips off Edie's dress.

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