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Freddie the Fearful Vampire

Poem by John Steele

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Freddie was a vampire bat
Whose screech was worse than his bite
And who cowered when the moon came out
Cause he was afraid of the dark and the night

Aye, he cowered when the owls hooted
And when the werewolves howled forlornly
He even shivered when old T. Wogan
Stood in for young Sue Lawley!

For Freddie was scared of everything
His own non-reflection could make him faint
And the merest sight of his pointed fangs
Could turn him whiter than the whitest of paint

But Freddie, at heart, was no coward
And he determined his fears to beat
So he took himself off to a psychiatrist
In daylight, just down the street

And the psychiatrist took one look at Freddie
And shook his degree in despair
And said, "Come out of the cupboard!
"I can't treat you while you cower in there."

An hour later, our Freddie lay quietly
As the psychiatrist searched deep in his Id
And rooted around in his Ego
To find out about Freddie, The Kid

He discovered his dad was a mummy
Rotting thru and thru, a thoroughbred louse!
Though his mother was relatively normal
That is, normal for a were-fieldmouse!

As for the rest of Freddie's batty family
They were an even sorrier story
There'd been one who'd thought he was Napoleon
Another who'd voted Tory!!

At the end of the session, Freddie asked sadly,
"Is there anything you can do for me, Doc?"
"Yes," answered the psychiatrist slowly
"But I'm afraid it'll cost quite a lot."

Then he told our Freddie the figure
$1000 a session, he said, should be enough
"How much?!" said Fred, his fear now fled
"$1000?! I'm cured! Get stuffed!!!"

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Copyright The Bentilean 1999

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