Mortimer & Mears
Dick & Sarah visit the Bentilee Neighbourhood Office
(Home of the Bentilee Volunteers & Neighbourhood Project)
Sarah: Good reading, ladies and gentlemen, it's so good to be out and about from the pages of "The Bentilean" magazine, isn't it Dick?
Dick: I told you we'd get time off for good behaviour! But, by gum, aren't these little pages cramped?
Sarah: "Cosy" is the word I'd use. Just the right size to carry in your handbag.
Dick: Not mine! Full to the brim already.
Sarah: Enough of the gay badinage! We have some serious business to do today.
Dick: This isn't a charity do is it?
Sarah: What difference does it make? We don't get paid anyway.
Dick: That's true! Our usual editor's so mean, I've only ever seen him breathe in!!
Sarah: No, what we're here for is to look round this, the Bentilee Neighbourhood Office, so that the readers can learn all about the place in a light, carefree, entertaining manner.
Dick: Then why've they invited us?
Sarah: There's a rumour about that you're a comedian!
Dick: Good ole Gladys! do anything for me would that woman.
Sarah: Watch your tongue will you? This place has a non-sexist, non-ageist, non-racist policy, Equal Opportunities policy, so less of the Bernard Mannings'. Now shhhh! Here comes the head worker for this place, Janet Mason, so behave yourself.
[Enter Janet]
Sarah: We're so pleased to meet you, Janet, and.....what are you doing?
Dick: Rolling up me trouserleg.
Sarah: She's not that kind of Mason, you eejit! "Mason"'s her name.
Dick: Oh!!! [To Janet] I'm soffy, Your Equalness.
Sarah: Please ignore him, Janet. He can't be serious for two sentences together. Now tell me, and I'm sure our readers -- [Dick: Both of them!] -- will be interested to know this, just what do you do from this office?
Janet: We haven't the space here to go into detail, but basically the Bentilee Project works with a group of local residents, "The Bentilee Volunteers", to help develop a sense of community spirit, to help the worse off in the community, and to help the community to do things for themselves.
Sarah: Things like....?
Janet: A playgroup, a pensioners' craftgroup, a secondhand furniture warehouse, an annual playscheme, a writing class...
Dick: Our author should join that!
Janet: He needs to improve his writing?
Sarah: [To Dick[: You were right, she's never read us before.
Dick: Has anyone?
Author: I have!
Both: Now there's a man not afraid to look a fool!
Dick: Onward! Tell me, do you run a lunch club?
Janet: It's our pride and joy! Every Tuesday, at St. Paul's Methodist Church, we cater for around sixty pensioners a week. But you surprise me, you didn't look the man to be interested in the plight of the elderly.
Dick: What's she mean? I buy all Cliff Richard's records.
Sarah: Don't let him fool you, you're quite right. he's just a two-dimensional characterisation of a jester -- a pale shade of such Greats as Eric Morecambe, Tony Hancock, and the one and only, Groucho Marx.
Dick: That'd be fighting talk, if I knew what she was on about!
Sarah: Tell me, Janet, could you use a man with only one brain cell?
Janet: We had one once! But he went off to start his own magazine. Don't know what became of him.
Editor: I'm sorry to have to interupt you, but you're rapidly running out of space, so I'll have to ask you to wind things up I'm afraid.
Dick: No need to be, old chap, I only bite when there's a full moon or a 'y' in the month! (To Sarah): What a polite fellow.
Sarah: Well, we're not in "The Bentilean" now!
Dick: I suppose this is the point where I make a cheap double entendre, sing 'Bring me sunshine' -- all three words! -- and we disappear off the bottom of the page together.
Sarah: I juust said, this isn't "The Bentilean magazine". The editor's asked us to end by reading out the credits, and apparently this load of nonsense was written by a John Steele...
Dick: Never heard of her!
Sarah: ...who also typeset it at the Willfield Open Learning Centre, next door, in 'Palatine' type -- it say here.
Dick: Personally, I think Avant Garde right-aligned would have been more appropriate for me.
Sarah: Really! I would have thought San Francisco type was more you.
Dick: You mean because I remind you of the
Golden Gate Bridge, the tinkling of cable
cars, and the sweltering sunshine?Sarah: No!!! Because you're weird looking, and all over the place!
Copyright John Steele 1991, 1999
Note: The last few paragraphs made use of fonts which your browser may not be able to show.Back to: Mortimer & Mears Main Page