Mortimer & Mears
Dick & Sarah visit the Willfield Centre
Sarah: Good reading, ladies and gentlemen, it's so good to be out and about from the pages of "The Bentilean" magazine, isn't it Dick?
Dick: I told you we'd get time off for good behaviour! But, by gum, aren't these little pages cramped?
Sarah: Size isn't everything.
Dick: That isn't what you said when....
Sarah: Moving right along now, I think we should start, much as we did in "The Bentilean" magazine, by describing ourselves so that the readers can form a picture in their mind as to what we look like.
Dick: Good idea! And if I start by saying the words "Tall, dark, and handsome, with an unmistakeable air of intelligence"......?
Sarah: I would wonder who you were talking about.
Dick: There's a bloke round here who's writing a book for people like you, called "Why Wear Glasses, Jiggle Your Eyes."
Sarah: Ex-army man, musician, and will be finished any two weeks now, Don Moore.
Dick: Them are the three!
Sarah: Now you wasted so much precious space, I think we'd better skip the intros and get on with why we're here.
Dick: This isn't a charity do, is it? We haven't got to shake hands with poor people, and talk to Bob Geldof, have we?
Sarah: No! What we've been invited to do is have a look round the Centre so the readers can learn all about the place in a light, carefree, and entertaining manner.
Dick: Then why've they invited us?
Sarah: There's a rumour about that you're a comedian!
Dick: My fan, Gladys! Better then Saatchi and Saatchi rolled into one that woman -- and almost the same size!
Sarah: Shhhhhh!! Here comes the Centre Manager, Peter Marsh, now so behave yourself and watch your tongue. This place has a non-sexist, non-racist, non-ageist policy, so less of your Bernard Mannings.
[Enter Peter Marsh]
Dick: Pleased to meet you, your Holiness.
Peter: I'm sorry, I'm not a priest.
Sarah: Ignore him, Your Managerness, he's always playing the fool. Tell me, and I'm sure our readers -- [Dick: Both of them!] -- will be interested to know this, but how long have you been working in the field of Adult Literacy & Numeracy?
Peter: About 30 years now.
Dick: That's a long time to take to read and write!
Sarah: I'm warning you.
Dick: I'm sorry, your Literateness.
Peter: Please, mickey-take away. I've been involved in the field so long because I feel it's such an important subject. The ability to read and write are not just useful things to be able to do, but are at the very cornerstones of our democracy. An illiterate nation is an easily controlled nation.
Dick: Bravo! I couldn't have put it better. Shorter, but not better.
Peter: Tell me, have you any qualification?
Dick: Ah....well.......I've an 'O' level.
Sarah: You can tell be the shape of his legs!
Dick: I know that joke! A Morecambe & Wise, 1959, the south....nay...north facing jokebook, between the Fanny Craddock cookbook and the Max Bygraves records.
Sarah: Please, ignore him, and show us around.
Peter: Certainly. Let's start with our computer room, shall we? You see, we like to use only the best in High Tech learning aids, not only to teach students the basics of Word Power and Number Power, which leads to a City & Guilds certificate when they've successfully completed a series of simple assignments, but also to teach the basics of computing, so vital in today's world.
Tell me -- [turning to Dick] --- have you ever thought of a course in IT?
Dick: Morning, noon and night!
Sarah: No! He means "Information Technology".
Dick: Never crossed my thoughts once.
Sarah: Pssst! Who's the guy with a computer stuck to his face?
Peter: That's our resident writer, Don.....
Dick: Say no Moore!
Peter: And talking of residents, here come one of the oldest: computer whizz, publicist, and desktop publisher, John Steele.
Dick: Must be a solid desktop!
John: Hey! What are you two doing out of "The Bentilean" magazine?
Dick: Increasing our exposure!
John: By the next issue, I'll have a crushing reply to that.
Copyright John Steele 1991, 1999
Back to: Mortimer & Mears Main Page