Mortimer & Mears
Dick & Sarah visit the Willfield Centre
Sarah: Good reading, ladies and gentlemen, it's so good to be out and about from the pages of "The Bentilean" magazine, isn't it Dick?
Dick: I told you we'd get time off for good behaviour! But, by gum, aren't these little pages cramped?
Sarah: (Turning to face him): This is what it's like all the time in The Bentilee Bulletin
Dick: Please! whatever you do, don't turn round so quickly, you almost knocked me off the edge of the page then, right into Sean O'Reilly's canal.
Sarah: And you're wet enough already!
Dick: Hey?! I don't understand that remark.
Sarah: Oh. Enough of the gay banter, we have some serious business to do today.
Dick: This isn't a charity do is it? We haven't got to shake hands with poor people, and talk to Bob Geldoff, have we?
Sarah: Same thing, isn't it? No, anyway. What we've been invited here to do is simply have a look round this Centre, so the readers can learn all about the place in a light, carefree, entertaining manner.
Dick: Then why've they invited us?
Sarah: I think the author's got a photo of his own.
Dick: You mean like the one we have of The Bentilean's editor and that....ermmm?
Sarah: From Berryhill High?
Dick: Them are the three!
Sarah: Shhhhhh!! Here comes the Centre's Manager, Peter Marsh. Now behave yourself and watch your tongue. This place has a non-sexist, non-ageist, non-racist policy, not-much-of-anything-ist policy, so mind your jokes.
[Enter Peter Marsh]
Dick: Pleased to meet you, your Holiness.
Peter: I'm sorry? I'm not a Reverend.
Sarah: Ignore him, your managerness, he's always playing the fool. Tell me, and I'm sure our readers -- [Dick: Both of them!] -- will be interested to know this, but how long have you been working in the field of Adult Literacy & Numeracy?
Peter: About 30 years now.
Dick: That's a long time to take to read and write!
Sarah: I'm warning you.
Dick: I'm sorry, your literateness.
Peter: Please, mickey-take away. No seriously, I've been involved in the field so long because I feel it's such an important subject. The ability to read and write are not just useful things to be able to do, but are at the very cornerstones of our democracy. An illiterate nation is an easily controlled nation.
Dick: Bravo! I couldn't have put it better. Shorter, but not better.
Peter: Tell me, have you any qualification?
Dick: Ah....well.......I've an 'O' level.
Sarah: You can tell be the shape of his legs!
Dick: I know that joke! A Morecambe & Wise, 1959, the south....nay...north facing jokebook, between the Fanny Craddock cookbook and the Max Bygraves records.
Sarah: Please, ignore him, and show us around.
Peter: Certainly! This is our office here. You see we have only the best in High-Tech computers, with our two AppleMacs, but our most vital piece of equipment (if one can use such a phrase) is our secretary here, Denise Horton.
Sarah: Can she take shorthand?
Peter: Doesn't need to, she's a better brain than both these computers.
Sarah: Good is she?
Peter: Denise is wonderful!
Dick: Wait for it...
And De-rest of her isn't bad either!!{Denise hits him.}
Peter: Tell me, have you ever thought of a course in IT?
Dick: Morning, noon and night!
Sarah: No! He means "Information Technology".
Dick: Never crossed my thoughts once.
Mind you, I must say you have a really nice place here. The fireplace, the comfy chairs, the tea making machine (sorry, it's that secretary again (Sarah: Wonderful woman!); they've even got a colour telly in the back, you know!
Ahhhh, look at that smile!
Wonderful woman!Sarah: Thanks for everything Peter, but I think we'd better go now. Bye!!
Peter: Strange pair. Denise.... Denise? Hey, he's stolen my secretary!!
Dick: Bring me sunshine!
Copyright John Steele 1991, 1999
This episode was included in the pilot issue of the Willfield Open Learning Centre's student magazine, "The Willfield Reader's Digest", but (though I wan't actually banned from including it) went down like a lead balloon so I pulled it in favour of my children's story, "The Sad Little Hedgehog". Note: Sean O'Reilly's canal story was in issue 2 of The Bentilean and can be read at The Bentilean Online (as can the hedgehog story).Back to: Mortimer & Mears Main Page