THE CHARACTERS
Bergha Von Scaffold - mysterious and sexy, with a Russian accent, mid-thirties.
Laura “Bunnie” Fink - young, tacky.
William Clipp - seemingly normal man, in his late 20’s.

THE MUSIC
Please click the above (now) and wait a few moments while it loads - it establishes the mood (and rekindles fond memories of the actual original performance ... ah, Sam strutting as she tosses the feather boa over her shoulder. Terri and I fleeting, by pretending we're ... sorry ... loaded yet? Come on!

THE PLAY
A dramatic spotlight on the sensual Bunnie as she enters the closet. She sits centre stage and drops the strap of her dress .... waiting. Bergha and William enter simultaneously, but from either sides of the stage. They creep forward, unaware of the others’ presence. Slowly, their eyes all meet and Bunnie screams.

BUNNIE:         (to Bergha) Who the hell are you?
BERGHA:        Obviously not who you expected, you little trinket.
BUNNIE:         (to William) Well, what are you doing here?
WILLIAM:       Lots of things. Who are you?
BERGHA:        Bergha. You?
WILLIAM:      William. You?
BUNNIE:         Bunnie.
BERGHA:        (aside) He looks familiar.
WILLIAM:       (aside) She knows me.
BUNNIE:         (aside) These two are weird. (to the others) So, why are you in the janitor’s
                         closet?
BERGHA:        Ah.
WILLIAM:       Um.
BOTH:              Looking for a broom.
WILLIAM:       Me too.
BERGHA:         And now I have one, so, I’m leaving. (testing the door) Christ, it’s locked- we’re
                         trapped.
BUNNIE:         Far out.
WILLIAM:       (to Bunnie) What are you doing here?
BUNNIE:         I work here.
WILLIAM:       (with a sneer) You’re a janitor?
BUNNIE:         No, ah- Personal Assistant to the President.
WILLIAM:       Personal Assistant is a very loose title. What exactly do you do for    him?
BUNNIE:         (aside) Hmm, what do I say? (to others) Sort coffee, make files, etc.
BERGHA:        Sounds invigorating.
BUNNIE:         Well, it’s my line of work. What exactly do you do?
BERGHA:         Let’s leave that undisclosed.
BUNNIE:         Why? What are you hiding?
BERGHA:         A penis.

William and Bunnie are momentarily flabbergasted.

WILLIAM:        (changing the subject) Yolande will get us out.
BERGHA:         (aside) Yolande? Isn’t that a yoghurt?
BUNNIE:          Who’s Yolandi?
WILLIAM:        Yolande’s my Personal Assistant.
BERGHA:         Which involves-?
WILLIAM:        Sorting files, making coffee, sleeping with me, etc.

Bergha and William realise and look at Bunnie.

BUNNIE:         (aside) Dammit- they know!
WILLIAM:       You’re sleeping with the President. You’re a prostitute!
BUNNIE:          I am not! I’m Dick’s Personal Assistant. Just leave me alone, will you?
BERGHA:         She is sleeping with Nixon. She was undressing.
BUNNIE:          I was hot! I wasn’t expecting you.
BERGHA:         Nobody expects me- that’s how I become the dominant female.  I’m a   predator.
WILLIAM:        A predator? Do you kill?
BERGHA:         I do - when required.
BUN & WIL:    (aside) Shit.
BUNNIE:          I am sleeping with the President, actually.
WILLIAM:       Cool.
BUNNIE:         (to Bergha) So, shove that one up your dominant ar - shit!
WILLIAM:       What?
BUNNIE:         Hidden cameras.
WILLIAM:       In a janitor’s closet?
BUNNIE:         Dick’s recording everything in the White House- even janitor’s    conversations.
WILLIAM:       Is it anything to do with the Watergate-?
BUNNIE:         I’m not sleeping with Dick. I was goofing off!
WILLIAM:       (to Bergha) What was your name again?
BERGHA:        Bergha.
WILLIAM:      Burger?
BERGHA:        No, Bergha.
WILLIAM:      Where’s that from?
BUNNIE:         It sounds American. Burger. Cheeseburger.
BERGHA:        You cheap slutty cat! I am not American! I am Russian! Russian! How dare you,
                        you bitch?!

Bergha slaps Bunnie.

BUNNIE:        For christ’s sake, have a joint and calm down. Why did you just    verbally attack
                        me then slap me?
BERGHA:        I am a Russian spy. You said I was American.
WILLIAM:      You’re a spy?
BERGHA:        I am. (aside) Shit, cameras. Oh, well. (to the others) I’m on a mission.
                        I’m taking the Watergate tapes home with me.
WILLIAM:      Cool. What if someone recognises you?
BERGHA:        I’m wearing fake hair.
WILLIAM:      Cool, I couldn’t tell. Do you carry a gun?
BERGHA:        Several.
WILLIAM:      (aside) Where?
BERGHA:       (aside) I hope he asks.
WILLIAM:      How often do you get locked inside a janitor’s closet with a Russian   Spy named
                        Bergha and the president's plaything?
BUNNIE:        Excuse me!
WILLIAM:     Well, you are, aren’t you?
BERGHA:       (aside) This must be their naughty room.
BUNNIE:        (to William) Well, who and why are you?
WILLIAM:     Well, that’s a long story.
BERGHA:      Will it take long to tell?
WILLIAM:     Not if I summarise it.
BERGHA:        Please do.
WILLIAM:       I’m a cannibal.
BERGHA:        You’re what?
WILLIAM:      A cannibal.
BUNNIE:        Cannibal?
BERGHA:       (aside) Did he just say cannibal?
WILLIAM:      A cannibal.
BUNNIE:        Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
WILLIAM:       Don’t start squealing.
BERGHA:         I’m won’t. I’m intrigued.

Bergha places one hand on William’s shoulder: and William doesn’t allow it to pass unoticed.

BUNNIE:         I will! I’m freaking out!
WILLIAM:       Do you really think I’d kill you and eat you in here?
BERGHA:        You wouldn’t be found out.

Bergha slides herself in close.

WILLIAM:       You’re right.
BUNNIE:         Oh, fuck! Hello? Dick!
WILLIAM:       Bunnie, we won’t eat you.
BERGHA:        So you don’t kill those you eat?

Bergha’s leg slides around William’s back.

WILLIAM:      Of course not. Next day delivery - fresh, young, homicide victims.
BUNNIE:         I need a cigarette.

Bergha pegs her one from across the room.

BERGHA:        Cannibalism - White House- I don’t get it.
WILLIAM:       Brunch with Mr. President.

Bergha can hardly contain herself now.

BUNNIE:         Poo-bum. I’ve lost my clip-on earing.
BERGHA:        We don’t care.
BUNNIE:         My earing. I’ve lost it.
WILLIAM:       Really?
BUNNIE:         Help me look please. It’s really important to me.
WILLIAM:       One moment, Bergha.

William crosses to Bunnie and drops to the floor.

                         I got a problem with this. Thing is: you weren’t wearing a clip-on    earing.
BUNNIE:         Wasn’t I? Not even one?
WILLIAM:       No.
BUNNIE:         Oh. Thank you.

William stands and Bergha springs on him.

BERGHA:         You are very sexy - despite your cannibalism.
WILLIAM:        You think?
BERGHA:         Yes.

Just before the kiss: their eyes locked, and tongues lapping.

WILLIAM:        Chumpy enough to carve it.
BERGHA:         Good enough to eat.
WILLIAM:        Sorry, Bergha, I’m gay.
BERGHA:         Gay? What about Yolande?
WILLIAM:       What about him?
BERGHA:         Oh. I see.

Bunnie points a gun at Bergha.

BUNNIE:          Freeze!
BERGHA:         Oh my golly.
BUNNIE:          F.B.I. Miss Bergha Von Scaffold. Being a cheap hussy was just my   cover.
BERGHA:          You’re not F.B.I.
BUNNIE:           Yes, I am.
BERGHA:          Badge, please.
BUNNIE:           Oh, far out.

Bunnie looks for her badge in her pocket.

BERGHA:          (poking her finger in the gun’s barrel) Ha, ha!
BUNNIE:           Give up, Bergha. There’s no use in being stupid.
BERGHA:           Stupid? Who’s being stupid? This is stupid. (she impersonates a    chicken)
WILLIAM:         She’s lost it.
BUNNIE:           Bergha, there are agents everywhere.
BERGHA:          Yeah, but I don’t see any fat ladies. Except, you!
BUNNIE:           (shooting Bergha) I’m not fat.
BERGHA:           Just great.
BUNNIE:           Well, she’s finally dead. Agent Laura Fink. F.B.I.
WILLIAM:         Great. I suppose I’m in trouble too.
BUNNIE:            For what?
WILLIAM:         My deal with the morgue.
BUNNIE:           Ah, I’m afraid you’re under arrest, Mr. William - what’s your    surname?
WILLIAM:         (with a German accent) I don’t think so!
BUNNIE:           Huh?
WILLIAM:         No, you fool, I said, I don’t think so.
BUNNIE:           Why?
WILLIAM:         Because I’m not William Clipp.
BUNNIE:            Well, who the hell are you?
WILLIAM:          Heintz Vintza. A German spy.
BUNNIE:            And what do you want? Watergate tapes?
WILLIAM:          Maybe.
BUNNIE:            Well, don’t.
WILLIAM:          I don’t want the tapes. I want something else.
BUNNIE:            What’s that?
WILLIAM:          In Bergha’s pocket is a micro film. I need it.
BUNNIE:            What’s on the film?
WILLIAM:          That’s irrelevant.

A beat and then they both dart at Bergha, rummaging through her pockets. Bunnie finds it first.

BUNNIE:             Aha!
WILLIAM:           Dammit. Give that back!
BUNNIE:             Oh - my - god. That’s Dick. Who’s that?
WILLIAM:           That’s me.
BUNNIE:             Oh. Now it makes sense. Poor Dick - he’s in shit.
WILLIAM:           Yes, he is. Just give it back to me.
BUNNIE:              No, sir. It is now F.B.I. property. (shot by William) Oh, not again!
WILLIAM:            Bergha. Bergha. Wake up. She’s dead.
BERGHA:             Oh, okay. Oh, shit. We’re going to be in trouble for this, Heintz.
WILLIAM:            I know! Let’s kill ourselves!
BERGHA:             Good idea.

They point guns at each other.

WILLIAM:           What of Yolande? He’ll be lost without our guidance.
BERGHA:             Yolande is a professional. On three or after three?
WILLIAM:            On. One, two, thr- (William has not been shot) What the hell? You    were
                              meant to shoot me.
BERGHA:              (dying) I couldn’t. Three months ago. You ate my daughter. She lives - in you!

William goes schitzoid and leaves.

BERGHA:              Yolande? Yolande? Wake up. Now we can be happy!
BUNNIE:               Oh, ah, yeah.
BOTH:                   (singing to the cameras) Happy Birthday to you.
                              Happy Birthday to you.
                              Happy Birthday Mr. Pwesident.
BUNNIE:              What a Dick!
BOTH:                   Happy Birthday to you!
BERGHA:              Yol-
BERGHA:              Yolande is dead. I ate his liver.
WILLIAM:            (re-entering) I left the film behind. (to Bergha) You were dead! (to   Bunnie) So
                              were you!
BUNNIE:               I had a few tricks up my sleeve.
WILLIAM:            Oh, you did? You’re that French spy working for the U.S. Govt. who disguises
                              himself as a cheap F.B.I. prostitute!
BUNNIE:              Oui.
BERGHA:             Plenty of fat ladies now! Sluts!
They attempt to shoot each other but fail as no one dies. They shoot themselves and die. The lights fade on the three dieing spies.