The   Writers   Club

HOPE

by:   Rod   'Fate'   Thedorff

rthedorff@iname.com

The sky is grey, even though the sun is shining. Rain falls, even though no one else can see it. There will never be a nice day ever again, my love. How can there be since my ray of sunshine has left me? I sit here watching the clock slowly tick by the minutes and the hours. Time doesn't seem to have any meaning. I wish I could join you. I can smell your sweet scent. I can hear your lovely voice. I can almost feel your warm embrace. I can almost see you standing there before me. But alas, all sense of you vanishes the moment I open my eyes. I wish my prayers would be answered, and that I would be allowed to die.

Death almost seems to have a beautiful ring to it. I am dead in spirit, so why not let death claim my body as well? This Earth holds no new surprises for me. Every road is the same. I am the same person I was thirty years ago, but, I am now no longer complete. You made my life whole, my love, you made me feel alive. You gave me a new adventure to live. I no longer cared that life held nothing new for me, because I had you.

No one will miss me. I had no friends, other than you. We brought no children into this world. I was an only child. You were everything to me. You were my anchor to this world. Here I sit now, alone, and silent. The phone doesn't ring, and no one pushes the doorbell. The sounds of the house are all that I hear. Every so often I imagine a creaking floorboard, or I imagine your sweet voice calling me to your arms. I wish they were true. I wish I could see your lovely smile once more.

I can imagine only so much, and every day that passes, your image fades from my mind. A look at your picture doesn't bring back the special energy that you held in your life. The picture doesn't show me your graceful walk. The picture doesn't let your wonderful voice speak. I cannot feel your touch from beyond the frame of the glass. The texture of your body doesn't come to me. All I see is an image of you. A moment of your life. A time long gone.

I sit here in our favourite room, crying until no more tears can come. I spend many hours a day here doing the same thing. A process that repeats whenever I think of you. And I cannot stop thinking of you. You were always there. You never left me alone. Not like you have now. I haven't been this alone since before we met. It took me so long to meet anyone as special as you. And now, I fear I never will meet anyone else who will be with me, like you were with me.

I hear a creak behind me now. I don't look back, because I know that there is nothing there. So many times before I looked back hoping to see you, or to see the approaching figure of death. But every time I looked back I saw nothing. This time however I feel a touch upon my neck. With the touch comes peace, and happiness. I cannot turn around to face whomever is there. I cannot face the nothingness that is there. I cannot face the empty room behind me anymore. But still I feel the touch. My mind begins to wander, and I begin to think of images of our past together.

My first thought is of the time I saw you first. From a distance when we were young. I never told you about this time. I couldn't exactly put it into words. I never really thought about it much. It's strange that it should come to me now. I was sitting in the park watching the birds, and the water, and the people walk by. And then came you. You were by yourself, walking along beside the water. You must have been thinking about something. You seemed intense, but it never distorted your features.

What I saw was a vision. I didn't believe that you were real. I couldn't move to approach an angel. You seemed to glow before me. And then you turned and faced me. I saw your eyes look at me. For a moment it seemed as if our minds became one. I could hear what you were thinking. I could see what you saw. I knew that I had found my soulmate, without even speaking a word to you. I still couldn't move. I couldn't interrupt perfection. So I let you walk away, watching every movement, every action. And when you left, it seemed as if I had awoken from a dream. I didn't believe you had existed. I didn't believe I had been awake.

My mind continues to wander now. I see these things as if I were watching a movie. The thoughts are my own, but not as I choose to watch them. I'm forced to watch it all. The hand upon my neck gently caresses me. I feel at peace, and begin to wonder whether or not this is my end. Come for me. Come so I can join my beloved once more. The next image I see is our first date. The end of our first date.

We had had such a wonderful time. The night seemed to have moved so quickly. Everything had seemed like a dream. From the moment that you had first agreed to go out with me, to the time I picked you up, to the instant that we got in the car to go home. I was in heaven. I knew from that moment on that you felt the same way I did. I knew that you thought I was your soulmate too. I could see it in your eyes. You kept nothing secret from me in those eyes. And I don't think you wanted to keep anything secret. I think you wanted me to know everything.

We arrived at your home, and I walked you to your door. I always remembered the words you said to me. You said, 'Once in a lifetime you find your true love. Sometimes you may think you've found that love, but it is never to be, unless you both feel the same from the first moment. All you need to see is the special person that is inside another, and you know that you've found your soulmate. Now kiss me'. I hear your voice speak those words to me again. I feel the warmth that is behind your lips. I feel our souls join as one. I feel your heat that comes from inside. And I know you. From that moment on, we are no longer strangers. From that moment on, we know who each other is.

I feel myself crying. Those memories are too hard to remember without letting some little bit of emotion flow. I think that that was the happiest moment in my life. Getting married wasn't it, neither was the moment you told me that you would marry me. I knew that those events were going to happen. From that first kiss I knew that we would be together. The hand keeps caressing my neck. I now feel another hand touch my cheek lightly. Tracing my jaw with soft fingers. Another flash, another memory.

This time I recall our wedding night. We didn't have much money. What we did have were a few gifts from a few relatives. We didn't know where we were going to go for our honeymoon. After our small reception, we got into our car, and we left. We just drove. No direction. We didn't care. We were together, alone, and married. We had so much to discover yet about each other. The joys of physical love were joys we left until our marriage. We felt that that was for the best. It was something we both knew without even speaking a word about it. That was one of the strange things about us. We knew what each other was thinking. There were no mysteries, no secrets. We had a link, or a bond, that I had never seen before.

While we drove, we simply turned whenever we felt like turning. We kept moving, and driving, and turning, until something told us to stop. It's funny, you had told me afterwards that every turn I made, you had thought about turning too. And when I stopped, you had wanted to stop as well.

We had arrived at our destination. We had thought that we had been guided by God for some reason or other. He had led us to this place, and we had made it. There wasn't much here. It looked like an old lodge, a place for hunters and fishermen. It would have surprised anyone else that they had found it. It was in the middle of nowhere. Trees surrounded it on all sides. The people inside were surprised when we walked in, and asked if they had any rooms for rent.

No one ever came here to spend a romantic vacation with their beloved, let alone spend their first night of marriage together. We were led to a room, which the owner assured us was his best. He left us the key, and walked away with a strange look on his face. I carried you, my new wife, through the door, and laid you upon the bed within. After closing the door I joined you. We laid there talking for a long time. And then we both saw the light from outside the building. The room we had been given had a door that led outside. We walked outside, holding hands, and we walked towards the light.

We came upon a lake, or a river, I was never sure what it was. The moon was reflecting off of the water, and that was where the light had come from. It was so bright, and it was so beautiful. The water made a lovely sound as it flowed past. We knew that we were alone. The silence of the night was mysterious, and lovely. We looked into each other eyes. You kissed me softly. I returned your kiss. And then we made love beside the water. Our first night together, our first experiences. The scenery couldn't be more perfect. The moment couldn't have been more right. And just like the way we were led to this place, we were led to the side of the water at this moment. We were both in bliss. We had each other, and nothing was going to make us move apart.

I sit here thinking about that night. Your touch. Your warmth. Everything about you comes back to me. I relive the moment. I hear the sounds of the night, and I smell the air. We stayed at the lodge for a week, and then we went home to begin our lives together. We tried once to find that place again, but it couldn't be found. The directions we had, led us nowhere. Perhaps it was for the best. Perhaps that was what we were allowed, a memory of a place. And perhaps, returning would have only tarnished the memory. I feel the hands still upon me, and yet there still is no voice. The hands are soft, and warm. I know that they are your hands, but I fear turning around to see you, because I know you would leave me again. Another memory comes to me. One I've not thought about in a long time. A memory that hurts to be remembered. But still it comes, and now I see what I saw then.

You were opening the door, but still I knew something was wrong. We had been trying for children for a long time, but nothing seemed to work. We had even tried old tricks, old superstitions. Nothing worked. And you had gone this morning to find out why. You were crying, and I went to you. I put my arm around you, and kissed your forhead. All you had said was 'I am unable to have children'. And then you started to cry louder. I lifted your face to meet mine, so our eyes could see each others. I had sorrow in my eyes as well as tears, but I said to you calmly, 'We still have each other. And we can try to adopt.'. You put her arms around me, and continued to cry, but it slowly began to slow. We stood there for a long time, not saying a word. We took strength from each other, and gave strength back. Together we could do anything we desired. Finally you whispered into my ear, 'I know, and for that I am thankful'.

Everyone's life goes up sometimes, and everyone's life goes down sometimes. That was one of our lows. We never did adopt. I think that was one thing you had determined from the moment you had heard that you could never have children. You wanted your own child, not someone else's. We never brought it up. I could just tell. Like I could tell about anything you were thinking. Now I felt more then just hands upon me, I felt a head resting upon mine. The hands continued searching, but the head just rested. I knew what was coming now. I didn't want to see this again. It was too hard to face the first time. I always thought I could face anything that this life gave to me, but this was something I couldn't. I had never thought about death before. I had never wanted to face death. I was happy, and death would only make me unhappy. But the vision came to me anyway. I saw the bed.

I saw the bed. I saw the room. I saw the light. I saw my wife, I saw you, lying there, dying, before my eyes. I was helpless. There was nothing I could do. I was told you couldn't feel anything, and that you felt no pain, but what about me. The pain was all I felt. No one could comfort me. I could hide exceptionally well how I felt inside. That is, I could hide from anyone other then you, my wife. The social worker came to me, and talked to me, and comforted me, and told me if I should need anything she was there for me. The priest came into the room, took my hand, said everything was going to be alright, quoted the bible to me, and then he too left.

They didn't know how I felt. They didn't know how much it was killing me to be here. All I wanted to do was run away from it all. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be sitting in this chair, day after day, waiting for the moment to come when I would be alone. I couldn't leave though. I had to be here for you. In sickness, and in health I would be here for you. I would never leave your side. Your last words to me, 'I'll be right back', haunt me. And there was nothing I could do. The bastard that had done this to you was already dead. I couldn't wake you up. I couldn't take you home. I couldn't even tell you how I felt, or that I'll be here for you, or even that I loved you. I couldn't tell you, because you couldn't hear me. I couldn't do anything. I was useless. And then one night, late, you stopped breathing. I was holding your hand when it happened. I had been telling you how much I loved you. And then nothing. No more. You were gone.

I feel the hands stop moving. I feel the pain that this memory has brought back. Not really brought back up, but strengthened. Please let this be the specter of death standing behind me. Please let it all end now. One final memory comes to me. A brief one.

I remember the days following your death very briefly. No funeral. I doubt it could be considered a funeral if no one comes. Just me, a casket, and a priest. The same priest who had tried to comfort me. No one had come to see you. I sat there for the day. The priest drove me to the grave, and stayed with me while I mourned you. He drove me home afterwards as well. He said as much as he could, And said he would keep in touch, and then he too left me alone.

It's been a week. I've sat here, talked to no one. I've prayed to be allowed to join you. I've prayed asking for answers. I've asked God why does he do such things? I've asked him why I must be left alone? I've asked him a thousand different question. The answers I think will never be spoken. I can wait no longer, so I touch the hand that is upon my cheek. I feel the warm hand beneath mine. I know it is yours. I knew every detail of your body. I take the hand in mine, and turn to face you. This time it is not my imagination. I see you standing before me, glowing in a radiant light.

You smile at me, and you look so sad. I avoid looking into your eyes, but then I do. Tears run down the side of my face as I see the love that still burns in your eyes. You don't speak a word. You don't have to. You never had to. I know what you are thinking. I haven't lost you, and I will never be alone. You will be waiting for me when my life does reach it's end. You smile at me again. I've got things to do still in my life. I've got fate to follow. God's will is not mine to know, but I should be comforted in the knowledge that everything has a purpose. I just have to live life, and before I know it, I will be with you again. I also know now that you will live with me forever, in my dreams, and in my memories. You've told me so much without saying a thing. I guess the answers have been within my heart all along. I just had to find the courage to look at them.

I watch everything about you, as I did so long ago in the park. I watch your grace, your movements, your smile, your eyes. I feel your love. And then you are gone. Not like before, not like when you died. This time I still feel you with me. You opened my heart again, I feel alive. And now I'll live every day, living out my destiny, until the day comes that I'll be with you in body as well as soul. I thank you my love, for being here with me for all eternity.

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