Beryl

By: Jake Edwards aka Jake_E
writing under the pen name of J. N. Bryson
© by Jake Edwards 1998
All Rights Reserved

"Problem children," The notice said. It always stirred something inside of her that made her want to change any occurrence of it to "Children with problems." The former title always seemed to be saying that these children cause us problems, whereas it was the children that had the difficulties.

In a world of her own Beryl had reached the age of seven. The world was kept away by neither offering nor receiving touch. Not wanting to look at the souls of others she would avert her eyes from their gaze. A squint in her eye was the only clue that there could be any kind of problem. Contentment was the look she owned along with a friendly smile that was always sported but maybe it was a feature too permanent to mean what it looked like. As Janet looked into those big blue eyes she saw something different to that which did most people. Maybe it was sadness that she saw, sadness and fear. Whatever it was it was deep and quite well hid. Maybe it was Janet's imagination, but when Beryl "went ape" as the others would describe it, Janet could see the fear, the terror. Something had hurt Beryl so badly that it hid inside, lurking, and forcing her to stay away from too much reality. Something that had taken her small mind and pushed it into a small dark corner. Janet was almost convinced that the Beryl that most people saw was only a mask, a coping strategy for keeping away the world.

Small blue flowers were scattered around the cotton dress she wore. White socks and red shoes showing that she could only wear what was available at the home like all the rest. Janet loved to see her with a ribbon in her hair. Sitting there beside Beryl, she wondered why none of the others could tie the child's hair without a struggle. She patiently sat, quietly humming, then after a while would lean back, take some hair and make a bow around it with the ribbon. Beryl never moved, never spoke, never looked.

Janet had been told, "She can be wild," about Beryl. It was right from the first time that she saw one of her "fits" or "tantrums" that Janet knew this was not an autistic child but one whose mind had withdrawn and had taken refuge on the inside in the warmth. That first episode of Beryl's "madness" that Janet had witnessed was a nightmare to both Beryl and Janet but seemingly to no one else. It seemed to be more of an annoyance to the others. Beryl had been sitting quietly before becoming agitated then she screamed. It was a long, long scream that seemed as if it would go on forever. Beryl then ran to the door through which one of the full-time staff was just entering. Rose knew just what to do as she turned and closed the door. That barred Beryl's escape and saved them all from having to chase after a wild child around the grounds.

Janet watched, not knowing what to do. As a volunteer that only helped out a small number of hours a week, Janet lacked the experience of the others. Beryl made for the door, grabbed the handle and changed from long screams to short bursts of screams as she fought with the door. The noise was horrifying. It reminded Janet of a trapped animal that knew it was to be killed, trying to escape at all cost. Margaret, another full-timer came from the other side of the room as Beryl began to kick at the door while still franticly fighting with the handle, then moving as one, Margaret and Rose took Beryl by the wrists and dragged her, kicking and screaming, to her upstairs room. Janet had followed and went in with them. Rose said, "come on. Out" to Janet.

Janet stood there in a sort of half daze and said, "Let go of her." Maybe not loud enough but Margaret and Rose seemed to know what Janet was wanting.

"Come on Janet, get out and we can leave her here to calm down." Magaret shouted above the screams, then said that the child would eventually wear herself out. Beryl was screaming and sobbing alternately and every time she screamed she would writhe, squirm and kick.

Janet moved over to Rose and in a swift movement grabbed her wrist finding a pressure point she'd been shown in a self defence class, pressed on it with the side of her thumb. The initial tingling pain was enough for Rose to let go. She looked surprised exclaiming, "you bitch!" All at once the force that Beryl had as she swung away from Rose was enough to break Margaret's grip on her small arm. Beryl made for the door. Janet followed shouting, "Leave us," hoping that Rose and Margaret would have a little trust in her. Janet followed Beryl down the main corridor and overtook her on the stairs. Janet seemed to understand something about Beryl's anxious escape that made her join rather than fight the child.

Once in front she half shouted "Come on Beryl, we're OK." The red pencil skirt that she wore that day restricted her stride enough for Beryl to stay with her. The pace didn't ease as they ran along the downstairs main corridor where Janet shouted "Coming through" as she saw matron appear from her office near the main door. Matron stepped back reactively. They broke out into the sunlight almost together. Janet now hitched her skirt as the momentum took them down the steps, over the drive and onto the lawn. "We're OK now" Janet shouted watching Beryl as they ran straight ahead and into the bushes at the far end of the lawn where Beryl stopped, turned and curled up into a tight ball. She lay there trembling but she hadn't screamed or shouted since they started running.

"We're OK now." Janet repeated in as calm a voice as she could though her heart was beating hard and fast. She watched the small body still shaking "No one can get us now." She would keep everyone away for a while. "I think we're safe." She said reassuringly as the shaking seemed to diminish.

Matron, Margaret and Rose where walking purposefully over the lawn. Janet said to Beryl "I'll keep you safe." As she got up from the bushes and said "You're safe here. I'll not let anyone harm you."

"What on earth is going on?" Matron asked in here authoritative voice.

"What's the problem?" Janet replied with just enough innocence to slightly disarm the matron.

"Where's Beryl?"

"Oh it's OK." Janet spoke as if they had all been playing a game and that there was no great issue. "She's with me hiding in the bushes, she's calming down and she's OK. I've told her that I'll keep her safe." She said with enough concern for Beryl in her voice, and maybe just enough of a threat that matron seemed to be a bit unsure as to what to do next.

"What did you do to me?" Rose asked rather harshly as she rubbed her wrist, vainly searching for the exact point.

"Is it hurting?" Janet asked knowing that the pain was short lived.

"No not now, but I'm surprised at you."

"I apologise Rose." Janet said with sincerity. They knew her always to be a gentle person that would offer no hurt to anyone even in her words.

"Well Janet I accept but I am surprised. " She repeated. Janet tried to explain that what she saw wasn't a child having a fit or a tantrum but rather a terrified mind. Explaining, as diplomatically as she could, that maybe it was something that could so easily have been missed by them with so many children to look after. She of course had no belief in her own words as she had seen that in most cases the children were fed, watered and bedded down. Little thought was given to their fears or need for affection. They were viewed as "Problem children." Little was done to alleviate their plight more, in fact, was done to perpetuate their unacceptable behaviour.

All the while as they talked, Beryl was calming down only feet away. The three others not wanting to go past Janet to retrieve her. Janet asked if it would be all right for her to bring Beryl back in when she decided, as she was no problem now and it was obvious that she wouldn't run away. They looked at each other no one really wanting to make a decision as Janet said to Matron "If you think that she is in good hands." This gave matron something to decide on. She looked at the other two as if to get their agreement.

"I think we can trust Janet ladies, what?" She said inviting the others to agree. They both said that it was OK with them, knowing all the while that that was the quickest they had ever seen Beryl calm down. They exchanged some pleasantries then turned and walked across the lawn to the big old Victorian building which was home to these delicate children.

As Janet stood there watching them retreat she became aware of another presence. Beryl had silently left the bushes and was now standing next to Janet. She was a child that never looked a person in the eye, never made any attempt at shows of affection, turned away from any show of warmth toward her but as she stood there, her hand slipped into Janet's. They both stood still looking at the great house. She had sat beside Beryl many times knowing she would not return any glances. She stood beside her now knowing that something had changed. Maybe there was a chance that Beryl, one day, would leave her world inside her head and come out. As they stood there in the warmth of the summer, a tear ran the length of Janet's face her stomach knotted up inside as she felt compelled to hug Beryl. "Not yet." She thought, "Not yet." They stood there for an eternity until the small hand removed itself from the comfort of Janet's, then Beryl walked away towards the house. Janet watched through the salt water that filled her eyes. Her chin trembled. Her throat felt as if a large apple had been trapped in it. Soon Beryl had disappeared into the house and Janet followed, sad but with a hope growing in her that hadn't been present at the beginning of the day.