All Rights Reserved
TO FACE FOREVER
by: Jilli
She stood looking out the kitchen window, her eyes fixed on some unfocused object beyond the room, her thoughts searching the unfathomable horizon of her consciousness, looking again for some clue as to why this has happened. Could she have prevented it? Had there been a day, some specific moment when she could have said, "No, I won't let this happen."
She acknowledged sadly there hadn't been. For she had never been aware she was falling in love, it happened without warning, so fast.
Funny, she had heard those words before, read them in books, and never understood how that could happen. Didn't you have to know someone a long time before you could love them? Spend time with them, do things with them, before you could fall in love? Wasn't that how true love took shape, was formed? She had always thought so. It wasn't the way it happened to her.
There had been so much laughter with him, she thought. So many secrets made and shared in that small expanse of days, weeks, months she had known him. She felt she had just discovered this wonderful magic with him .. laughter! She remembered their silliness together, their almost childish adoration for one another. She had giggled like a school girl from his teasing, blushed at his audacity. He had told her his job in life was to make her laugh. That he loved her laughter. She felt she was the center of the universe, his universe.
She had never surrendered herself totally to another person, had always held that vital part intact that kept her seperate, that distanced her enough to keep her natural emotional shock absorbers intact. That part of you that makes it possible to survive when love is no longer there carrying you along like you're weightless, influencing every moment of your life.
How she wished now she hadn't left herself totally defenseless. It hadn't been a conscious act. Yet she could almost name the day it had happened, the exact moment she felt her spirit, her being, yield to him completely and join his. She wasn't aware the reckless surrender of everything she was had taken place, only that whatever had occured seemed so natural, so comfortable, like a river flowing along it's course. It was meant to be.
He had come to her as soon as he could that day, like the days preceeding. Leaving the watchful eyes at home early to be with her. Telling her he couldn't stand how the hours dragged by when he had to leave her, that he tried to sleep them away until it was time to come back to her again. As he talked to her his hands stroked her arms, her back, went through her hair gently, lovingly. He held her on his lap and she felt loved, cherished, protected by him.
He had tenderly kissed her eyes, her face, her neck, whispering to her how much he needed her, how much he adored her, loved her, that he lived only for the time he could be with her. He had never felt like this, he declared. They were soul mates, meant to be together, he whispered softly. Whatever she wanted, he wanted, he vowed. He would never leave her, he promised, he would always be there for her, stand with her, beside her, in whatever she choose to do.
She had felt a soft yielding within her. She had succumbed, surrendered in some way she wasn't sure of still, and didn't understand. Total acceptance, total trust. Some spiritual part of her passed to him silently. Not a seperation from her that caused her to feel loss, instead she felt a completness she wondered at.
A few days later he told her it was over. They could never be together again, he said. He wanted them to be friends, he said. Hoped with all his heart they could be. His heart?
She was spinning, trying to catch herself, right her equilibrium, keep from falling uncontrollably. Stunned. Shocked. Confused.
Finally, she managed a deep breath so she could talk to him. Ask him what had happened. Nothing, he said. He loved her too much, he said. It scared him, he said. He wanted to run back to the safety and security he felt at home. He was afraid she would disrupt his life, cost him more then he was willing to pay for her love. She couldn't understand, she had asked for nothing, expected no payment from him.
She remembered the pain. At first shock kept her from feeling it. Then it ravaged her mind and body, tearing her insides into shredds, ripping her apart again and again. It was excruciating, almost unbearable. Every day she felt the full kaleidoscope of her emotions. Anger, hurt, love, confusion, hatred, revenge, desire, and then back through them again, leaving her mentally and physically exhausted, drained, spent.
She thought it was just a mistake, all she had to do was find the right words and everything would be back like it was. She tried. She was convinced there was a key and that she was too confused right now to find it. She was wrong. There were no words, she spoke them all. There was no key. She tried everything. Pride was forgotten. She only wanted to assauge the pain that tore through her relentlessly. To feel the happiness he had given her once more.
He gave her his reasons, over stated them all, over explained them. That he said he loved her too much hurt her even more. She began to see deception and weakness in him she hadn't seen before. She wanted to put the rose tinted glasses back on, blind herself. Her anger grew into rage as she saw more and more of his shrewdness.
She had been used. Rejected. Discarded. Now forgotten. She had been a willing accomplice to her own deception. She was ashamed of herself for loving so freely, yet knew it wasn't something she had control over. Even now her love for him pervaded her being. She felt as if some vital part of her was missing, that she lacked an important organ or substance that she needed to go on.
Her friends tried to comfort her. There was no comfort.
Time will help, they said. It didn't.
One day you will love again, they said. She couldn't.
It will pass, they said. It hadn't.
She tried to resume her life, but found it was empty. She couldn't grasp why. She had had a life before him but she couldn't find it now. It eluded her. She tried the comfort of other arms but found they only reminded her of him, made her long for him more.
She turned from the kitchen window, tears falling unchecked down her face, walked slowly across the room, through the next, down the hall to her bedroom, laid across the bed staring up at the ceiling, unseeing. She felt the pain in her chest and stomach again, like a sharp knife slicing, tearing. Her insides were raw and burning, still, after all this time. She accepted it would always be this way. It would never end.
She had never wanted love. Didn't even know this kind existed. This all encompassing, all consuming kind of love. She had been a player at life. Breezing through each romantic encounter with an airy detachment, never losing her heart.
She closed her eyes. There had been no warning. No flash of recongnition, no conscious awareness that she was falling in love. It had happened without her consent. She knew she was happier, higher, more alive than she had ever been. She didn't stop to think, to acknowledge, that this was love.
What could she do? How could she go on? She saw ahead of her the long endless pain. The dragging minutes of every day. She couldn't face it. She had thought about ending it all. She wasn't the kind that could. Some survivor instinct in her wouldn't let her and she knew it. No, she would have to live. Tortured with this emptiness.
Later, she walked listlessly about outside, among the massive oaks that stood here majestically, draped with their cover of gray moss. She felt insignificant in the world. That she didn't belong. She had lost her place in it. It had been disrupted by the force of her love for him.
She knew she couldn't blame him that she fell in love so deeply, though she had at first. She felt the hand of fate had played a trick on her, for surely if, and when, a person loved like this .. it was meant to be forever. She knew with certainty that this kind of love only came to some.
She stopped suddenly. Imagined him returning to her. Would she have him back? Could she? No. He had the capacity to hurt her too much and she could never willingly subject her heart to that again. This sudden realization caused her to grieve more. To feel a deeper sadness envelope her. She was doomed to this existence.
In time she knew she would find a comfort zone. She would have to, to survive. Some place in her heart and mind that would enable her to be numb, allow her to drift along through life without feeling anything except through some kind of emotional filter.
She would go on. There was no choice. With a lifeless heart and body, but she would be. She would take up space but there would be only emptiness there. She would not be bitter, only unfeeling.
She felt she had reached an understanding with herself. Mapped her direction and accepted it. She stood looking at the soft blue of the sky dotted with small white clouds, and tried to let some kind of peace come into her heart and soul. It was still elusive.
In time.
Maybe.
In time.
THE END
