I guess you guys are expecting a list this time, but I have a real treat for you. With Halloween out of the way the, ”Holiday Season” has officially begun. Having the connections that I have, I secured an exclusive interview with Santa Claus. In this interview I have asked him about Xmas and his job.


MLB: Hey St. Nick how’s it going, I’m glad you could make it.


S.C.: Uh…(cough)…first of all it’s just Santa Claus. That’s what those damn British call me, (sotto voce) those damn limeys can’t do anything rig-

MLB: Okay, What about Pierre Nöel and all of that stuff?

S.C.: Look, those guys call anything Pierre. They just don’t have a lot of names to go around, That’s one of the hardest gigs for me, twenty-thousand Pierres...and that’s not counting Quebec….whew.

MLB: I have a question that has been at the tip of everyone’s tongue.

S.C. Okay, shoot.

MLB: You do all this stuff on one night, dig? So, what do you do-

S.C.: The rest of the year? The Elves and I work and plan and…I hope you guys don’t think I sit on my jolly fat ass all year. Do you?

MLB: So the Elves sit around and carve out stuff and craft stuff right? I hate to tell you this but I don’t think wooden sawhorses are going to cut it for the children of the twenty-first century.

S.C.: No, we keep up with the times. As with the rest of the western economy, we here at the North Pole headquarters have moved from an economy based on production, to one based on services.

MLB:(editor’s note: the interviewer was zoning out due to the big words, please forgive him) Really.

S.C.: Oh yes. But Instead of going through the usual wholesalers, the manufacturers go through me.

MLB: Why do they do that?

S.C.: You don’t know…what, did you go to school in California?

MLB: Yeah, why?

S.C.: *sighs* …well just look at me. I’m Santa Claus.

MLB: Oh yeah, I guess they’d be fools not to go through you.

S.C.: Exactly, you should see the deal I’ve got with big Bill.

MLB: Big Bill-?

S.C.: Gates. Thanks to me,… let’s just say that you’ll be having a hard time finding a Nintendo GameCube this year.

MLB: Thank you, we’re running out of time, so I’m just going to ask you some really quick questions.

S.C.: Fire away.

MLB: Favorite Album to listen to on Xmas Eve.

S.C: The soundtrack to the movie,Heavyweights. You know, the one with the fat kids? Really good.

MLB: Favorite Film?

S.C.: You’d think It’s Miracle on 34th Street, but it’s really Blue Velvet.

MLB: What’s Mrs. Claus’s first name?

S.C.: Troy.

MLB: Okay, thank you for your time. Can you do me one last favor?

S.C.: What?

MLB: Can you do it? You know what I mean….you know. It.

S.C.: Sure…HO! HO! HO!

ILF: Damn that rocks! Thank you for your time Santa.

S.C. No problem. Good night. oh yeah, that freaky lesbian porn is keeping you off the good list.

MLB: Uh…I’ll remember that. Good night folks.
(END)