Foolish Conversations
(It's not all my own work, you understand)




[ Conversation with Jimmy D | Duck | Proverks ]




Email conversation with Jimmy D
In the following conversation, D is 'Jimmy D' (I'll link to his page here when he has one), and R is myself, RavenBlack. The origin of the conversation is Circle of Death - a game involving waterpistols.

4. I can shoot a moving target at 20 yards with pinpoint accuracy.
18. Does that mean you can shoot a moving pinpoint at 20 yards?
4. Yes, but it is interesting to note that few of the players will actually be that small.
18. You'd be surprised. The stunted growth of the population of Stafford means that over 30% of the players are smaller than a grape.
4. Does that mean that if I step on them, that it will count as a kill, since the juice that squirts out will make them wet?
18. No, because if you step on them they remain intact, and will shoot you in the soles of the feet, making you the officially dead one.
    Just because they're as small as a grape doesn't mean they squish like one.
4. But they _would_ be crushed, unless they have genetically altered bone structures.
18. No, because you see, as well as having stunted growth, the youth of Stafford are also incomparably dense.
4. I take it you don't like the people in Stafford much then.
   It's interesting to note that as well as being dense, they are also unusually ignorant.
   Do you think that the people in Stafford are more dense than a black-hole, taking into account that this means the world would be crushed?
18. Ignorant is, in fact, one of the senses in which I meant dense.
    And yes, they are more dense than a black-hole.
    But the world is not crushed because as well as being ridiculously dense, the populace of Stafford are also one-dimensional.
    This also explains why there is discrepancy about whether or not there is a fourth dimension. There is, but it has been crushed by the Staffordians. Another phenomenon explained by this is why time goes more slowly in Stafford than it does anywhere else.
4. If people in stafford are one dimensional then surely we would not be able to see them... moreover perhaps it explains why they don't seem to be able to see me when i walk round town... they walk right into you, then turn round and start hurling abuse.
   As for black holes, are you trying to tell me that the average person in stafford weighs over a billion kilograms per square centimetre?
18. Ah, they occasionally turn around in such a way that we can see them... But you don't know just how many of them it is that you _can't_ see, do you?
    I'm not sure about the average person in Stafford...
    The greater part of the population of Stafford, yes, but, since I myself am in Stafford, and I weigh less than a duck, the average is perhaps just under a billion kilograms per centimetre.
    (They don't manage square centimetres, being one dimensional, let alone cubic)
4. Oh, of course, how stupid of me... I can't be aware of the ones i can't see can I? (duh) Well, in that case, does that mean they are pan dimensional beings then that can slide between the first and third dimension at will, if this was to happen surely the instant they entered a three dimensional status the entire solar system would be instantly crushed... and how come most of the people i see in stafford actually appear to be larger than a grape...
18. No, they can occasionally drop from the fourth dimension, quickly through each of the other three, back into the fourth again, fast enough so that it appears that they occupy all three at once. Hence they never enter a three dimensional status. This effect, when done at it's slowest, is what causes earthquakes.
    The larger-than-grape appearance is not actually an optical illusion, as one might expect. From extensive research, I have discovered that it is only the larger-than-grape occupants of Stafford who ever manage to drop from the fourth dimension through the others. The grape-sized tenants at almost all times, remain firmly fixed in the fourth dimension.
4. I see, and this cycle occurs exactly how many times a second? Isn't the fourth dimension reserved only for those with an American Express card?
18. Ah, it occurs _approximately_ 10 times a second. The extra density accounts for their appearance of normality despite their presence for a mere millionth of a second per second.
    No, that's the fifth dimension, commonly mistaken for the fourth dimension because of the fact that the fourth has been crushed by the presence of Staffordians in it.

Duck
This resulted from a game in which different people write sections of the story/poem alternately. The subject was undecided to start with, and the scanning isn't so hot, but never mind.
The players of the game were myself, in my guise as Crow (C), Jaq (J), and Nutter (N), of Absolute MUSH

10. There once was a girl named Jaq...
3. Whose favourite colour was black...
10. She had a duck who liked to quack...
3. Which travelled upon her back...
10. He was all white which she did not like...
3. So she dipped him in ink, and turned him pink!
10. Jaq's duck was pink, which made her think...
3. It was a flamingo, and she called him Ringo...
10. Then Ringo ended up with terrible complex and had to see a shrink...
3. Who held up a picture, and what did he show? A mere blot of ink...
10. the duck looked hard at that little blot ...
3. But all that he saw was a round black dot...
10. He looked quite puzzled, he looked perplexed!
3. So he said 'quack' and the shrink was vexed!
10. and with a sigh the shrink asked the duck why...
3. He said 'quack' again, and the shrink did sigh...
10. Why must you always go quack? TIs not how a pink duck should react!
3. The shrink painted him black, and took him to Jaq...
10. Who fell out as if she had had an attack!
10. This is not my duck you stupid man,
10. This is not my duck he was not blaq...
10. this is not my duck, you take him baq!
10. Quack said the duck as Jaq did scream...
10. Yes, nodded Jaq, I would have to agree...
10. Quack said the duck, then Jaq did see...
10. that this was her duck...Oh yes...it was he!
10. What have you done to my duck you fiend?!?
10. This is not nice, in fact it is mean!
10. Jaq looked at her duck as a tear fell from her eye...
10. See there, You mean man! You have now made me cry!
10. Jaq turned baq to the shrink and to him she glared...
10. Get out of here now and your life will be spared!
14. And the Shrink shrank and was gone,
10. Then Jaq looked at her duck sporting the new blackish tone...
14. The duck quacked "Phew, that Quack has gone"
10. Jaq nodded But I know that his fee to the sky it will be!
14. But the duck hopped out and quacked gleefully!
10. Jaq giggled But at least you now match my new sofa she said
10. And now you even blend with the sheets on my bed!
10. Maybe this is good...Perhaps this is great!
10. Oh Ringo dear...this shrink we should not hate...
14. He was silly, and old, and just turned 98
10. Hurry let's catch him, before it's too late!

Proverks
This set of things was originally made up to be my random email tagline.
It got quite a good reception, so I've decided to stick them up for public viewing.
Here goes...

People who live in glass houses shouldn't... undress.
A bird in the hand... blocks the arteries.
Too many cooks... means too much food.
Many hands make... you look like a mutant.
A rolling stone... is a potential death-trap.
An apple a day... Is hardly a nutritious diet.
Let he who is without sin... Try it. He might like it.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be... Unless I'm in need of money.
Curiosity killed the cat... Or was it the cat-trap I set up?
All that glitters... is not matt.
The early bird... is chomped by the early cat.
A stitch in time... prevents major parodoxes.
Early to bed, early to rise... means I've been having difficulty sleeping.
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can... avoid doing entirely.
Do unto others as you would... enjoy most.
Laugh and the world laughs... at you.
Birds of a feather... keep their distance.
There's no fool like... a fruit fool.
Where there's a will there's... a person expecting to die.
Don't judge a book by... 2:30pm tomorrow evening.
Easy come... Erm. Hmm. Ahem.
While the cat's away... You don't have to empty the litter tray.
All's well that... Isn't ill.
One swallow does not... empty a pint glass.
Practice makes... bored with.
Better late than... pushing up the daisies.
If at first you don't succeed... you're probably chewing.
Like father... Never.
Two's complement, three's a crow.
Two's company, three's... more company.
Don't count your chickens... I tell you now, there's zero.
Easier said than... pxqrb.
Practice what you... can't do.
A penny saved is... a christian coin?
Beware of Greeks bearing... weapons.
Every cloud has a... load of evaporated water.
Blood is thicker than... 33% of liquids, and all gases.
Cleanliness is next to... 'clear' in the dictionary.
Crime doesn't pay. Not a regular wage, at least.
Children should be seen and... wait a minute... They should?
Absence makes the heart grow... branches.
Beggars can't be... politicians.
The bigger they are... the harder they hit you.
Let bygones be... a silly word.
If at first you don't succeed... you've wasted a whole try.

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