Friends
What you never wanted to know about my friends, and you never will.

All this was written in a tremendous train-of-thought frame of mind, so if you find it offensive, Ahahaha! Seriously though, if you find it offensive then you're not the person I thought you were. Feel free to ask to be totally removed from the list immediately. Idiot.
If, on the other hand, you find it funny, feel free to slap me adequately about the face with a herring, but don't call me oven-baked.

Hopefully, as time goes by, the spaces under each person's name will be partly-filled with a photograph of that person's right eye.



Myself
: The man without a real name, and inventor of the famed 'batstand-gel', I'm quite a good friend to me, but often desert myself when I really need me. Always willing to lend myself money, I'm not very good at paying it back to myself, and can often be seen frittering it away on things I don't need. For more about me, you could try looking at the rest of my webpage. Idiot.

Phoenix : Wearing at least three other names, Phoenix... er... often leaves me lost for words. As an odd counterpoint to this, she is also the inspiration for some of my finest poetry (ie. all but one poem). It has been convincingly suggested that Phoenix is, in fact, a flame-clad raven. She is, it seems, an expert at both biting and smiting. She has tempestuous features, including, no doubt, many many eyes.

Sorrow : A seemingly quiet and unobtrusive fellow, Sorrow is quite short of names, and also of specifics. Despite my somewhat narrow knowledge base, I feel quite safe to say that he's a good man (And Maximillian should not have done that). A subtle sense of humour, often slipping past unnoticed I suspect, surrounds the man with increasing mystery. On top of all this, he has no features at all.

Anna
: Surnamed 'Bauweraerts', after a flurry of (one) other surname, she's been my girlfriend a couple of times... I'm not sure what to call her at the moment. Perhaps she's my ex-ex-ex... But that sounds too much like calling her a XXXX. Ho hum. Anyway, she's a close friend now, she has two legs, two eyes, and all the other features of a face. And it's not just a pretty face. She has a tendency to meet my other friends then have them phone her more than they'd phone me. That includes me.

Kevan : Surnamed 'Davis', and hence the other half of the legendary Tait-Davis field, he'd've been better off with a different name, leaving someone else to be the Davis half of the field. He's a tall dark strangler, often seen stalking people who he pretends to be with. He wears black a lot, in an attempt at camouflage, not realising that it's not dark in the daytime. Rare are the times one can say something mildly amusing without producing a curmudgeonly smirk from the fellow, or a wry smile. A lost-and-found friend since the days of early high-school, and famed for eating toast and drinking tea coffee. He too has legs and a face, although I haven't counted the features yet. Everyone he knows hates him for dragging them into tempting CD buying emporiums whenever they're in his presence.

Lori
: Surnamed 'Hensley', after a flurry of (one) other surname, she's a strange creature, half fairy, half human, half something else. That may well be three halves, or it may well not, I don't mind either way. She has a shocking tendency to shop, and a disconcerting tendency to become unsomethingable while still being visible. She has at least two eyes and something that is probably a face. I don't believe she has legs, and no-one has proven otherwise.

Sandy : Surnamed 'Tulloch', he bears no resemblance to a sandy hillock, and is no relation to Sandra Bullock. As far as we know, although there could be a freaky coincidence in the offing. A splendid fellow, and a bearer of a 'Tait-Davis field' medal, after stating his (sad) case. An acquaintance since those very same days of high-school as the man Kevan, and a friend in more recent days, especially Tuesdays. Prime advocate of The Sandman and X-Men, he has two eyes, and an intact face. He has two legs, and not only that, he has two arms as well. Greedy.

Jimmy D : Another man with no real name, he too is no relation to Sandra Bullock, although he does bear a slight resemblance to a hillock. Frequent loser at Warcraft 2, he insists that the purpose of the game is to have one's own buildings destroyed at the whim of the opponent. He's a helpful chap who helped me work up into this train-of-thought mood, so useful for talking nonsense about the people I know, and true nonsense, the lot of it. He used to live in a vacant lot opposite the very same university as I went to, and stare glassy-eyed at it's interesting octagonal structures. He has two eyes (both glassy), an intact face, and broken hair. He has three legs, which are detachable to help him conform with his laws of conservation of energy. He only uses two legs at any one time.

Katharyne : Surnamed more than once, Katharyne is predominantly made up of the attractive gene, along with eighteen persuasive genes and a forgiving chromosome. Subsisting only on seaweed, gingerbread and Dr Pepper, Katharyne catches many eyes, and can often be seen dragging sackfuls of them to throw into the sea. Inexplicably keen on all forms of Jarvis, Katharyne's most surprising achievement is documented quietly elsewhere on my website. Amongst her features are such diverse elements as dark eyes, dark hair, dark light and dark matter.

Nik : Surnamed "Borton", he's been through many an alias in his time, amongst my favourites being 'Pulpdog' and 'Implant'. Shaven-headed last time I saw him, he collects useless emulators, possibly due to his fetish about Rod Hull's pet. Occasional Warcraft 2 opponent, he might have won once, if he was lucky. Still, he'd beat me at Quake, which is a rubbish game anyway. A good man for pointless banter, and owner of two eyes (which are Implants), a whole face (which is Pulpdogs), and two long orange-haired legs.

Tom : Inappropriately surnamed "Burns", I've never noticed him performing the action in question. Poet and iconoclast (I've just put that in because it's a nice word), he's another good one for bouncing train-of-thought off. He drives a blue automatic mini, often using only his eyelashes, yet he hasn't crashed yet. Like me, he doesn't eat things that have died, only things that were near-enough inanimate. This is because his eyelashes get in the way of hunting for animals, and he can't see through the steering wheel. He has one leg, one eye, another leg, another eye, and two opposite halves of a face. Corvus : Surnamed 'Coronoides', this bird hails from Australia, and is another Corvo-sapien-savant. Entertainingly mysterious and solitary, the plaintive, mournful cries of this bird can be heard far and wide. With a poetic bent, and a penchant for shinies not unlike my own, The Coronoides differs largely in the possession of brighter eyes, and more sun-resistant feathers.

Raven
: Falsely named, and so it shall remain, Raven is, like me, a corvophile. That is, liking of crows and ravens, not liking of corvettes, nor liking of salad. Unlike me, Raven prefers not to hold a gender, but rather to remain an 'it'. It can often be seen hoarding emails from me, to reply to in a moment of boredom, possibly at the end of time. Perhaps because my emails to it are shiny, or perhaps because they aren't worthy of reply. It has two eyes, a bunch of feathers, two left halves of a face and fluffy legs.

Chrissy : Surnamed, but who cares about that, Chrissy is Latin, born in Latland. Upon her eyes rests the burden of many a photon, along with a bit of eyelid. Sworn to construct a feather gauntlet for my benefit, she intends to claim my soul at the moment of my death. Often heard speaking the immortal phrase "Yes, I'm fine", Chrissy tries to hide her real name behind that of a monetary penalty. She lives under Milkwood, and has well-preserved limbs and varied other pieces of flesh and bone.

Maxi : Yet another falsely named person, this one has a surname despite that fact. Surnamed 'Rose', Maxi is, indeed, not a flower. Not even a little bit. She has no petals, doesn't grow in the ground, and isn't really really narrow with a big head. She is, however, an interesting conversationalist and a user of a great word which I've forgotten again. Unsurprisingly, she has two eyes, a face, and a stalk.

GrimJim
: Ah, the people with no names... Unsurnamed, since I put the potential surname in with the other, GrimJim is a human. Seeming ridiculously knowledgable about all things apparently useless, I suspect him to be merely a strand of the world-wide-web, with no real physical form, despite his being the husband of Maxi. Because of this, he has hundreds of eyes (which webpages are best viewed with, I'm told), a clock face, and hundreds of tiny little legs.

Kathryn : Surnamed 'Topp', Kathryn is also occasionally Frontt, backk and sidess. She can often be found talking to bacteria in an attempt to make them grow better, or even evolve into a superior species. A dangerously interesting and interested person, Kathryn understands lots of things, and is another friend of 'Other'. She has hair, an undetermined number of eyes (best estimated from an average of two, standard deviation of 1.8), and an IQ.

Alice
: Surnamed, but not liking to reveal the fact, Alice is often found blocking gears and other mechanisms. Interestingly, Alice has no connection with a grinning variety of cheese, nor with timebomb rabbits. Tricked into playing Nethack despite her protests, she has also been pushed into liking the band Counting Crows. Before that she had no limbs or features, but she has now acquired two grey eyes, fifteen teeth and a wooden leg.

Topaz
: Sneakily parading about under a false name, she is someone who I talk to often on my preferred MUSH, along with far too many of the other people on this list. She likes to use the wrong symbols for emphasis, and has, in more recent days, involved me in such misleadings also. She has a fully-featured and Linux compatible face, two legs, and two arms which she uses for immoral purposes.

Helen : Surnamed 'Williams', she is, in fact, not even one William. Horrendously happy most of the time, Helen mustn't be forgiven for being capable of arranging inordinate numbers of excursions, and then making them more bearable than they would be ordinarily. She is eight foot tall, with spoon-shaped eyes, a totally ordinary face, and two legs in a jar, which she keeps in the freezer.

Ade : Surnamed 'Gartland', he is, in fact, not any sort of country, no, not even Finland. The original advocate of Warcraft 2, this is a fellow who can beat me maybe even more often than he loses. Often seen wandering aimlessly in the guise of Robin Hood, he likes to quote Homer Simpson, and can often be heard shouting from the belltower of his local church, "D'oh!". He has hair.

Other : Surnamed 'people', they are renowned for their stupidity and insolence. Often seen running institutions and countries, they invariably can be detected by their names being different from the names of my friends. They have 12,278,421,392 eyes, 6,339,211,129 faces and 12,277,134,129 legs. Some of them even have arms. The swines.

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