One day in the Garden of Eden: "How's things, Eve?" God asked. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful ...but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve. "That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this,you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!" and God reaches down and rips the middle breast right off, tossing it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" He asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's see ... where did I leave that useless tit?" Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh. don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I.......I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I.......I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!" "I know..."Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you, you bastard!" An Irish bloke goes to the doctor, "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a $20 note lodged up here" Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $10 note appears. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?." "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "$1990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand." Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*ck off our car!" Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered
over the fence.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . . what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive 
SA Taxi of Doom? An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The woman, lived with her son and three grandchildren. One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?" "What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!" Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men. All of the men started clapping. Because it scares the hell out of the dog. Three Canadians and three Americans are travelling by train to a hockey game. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. "How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an American. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed American. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian. When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please." You didn't hold the pillow down long enough! 
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh His Italian uncle: Day Gogh And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh Make him wear shoes. A young man from Ireland called Seamus finds himself in dire trouble. His Farm has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the Church and begins to pray........... "God, please help me, I've lost my Farm and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Seamus goes back to the Church..................... "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my Farm, my house and I'm going to lose my tractor as well". Lotto night comes and Seamus still has no luck!! Back to the Church.................. "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my Farm, my house, my tractor and my wife and 17 children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???". Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Seamus is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "SEAMUS, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A F*CKING TICKET". He buys two cases of beer instead of one. A woman walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 toothbrush
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs. A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on." A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and the doctor inquires as to how things went. "Oh it was horrible, just terrible doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What's terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?" "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best we've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in Tim Horton's again. ONE........... He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest dept. store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the saleslady. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type and The Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused, the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills." Gifted. 
A sign of what is to come? The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window." Exchange him. A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing 20 pounds. WOW! From all and congratulations. Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked him "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" The answer was 10 pounds. The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh 20 pounds." The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised." A woman to show him how to work it. Little Vickie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!" "That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in the living room and tell me about it." "Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math, and 20 in science..." Telling you his real name. An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar.They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!" Put the remote control between his toes. There are these two guys driving a car when they blow right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!", the passenger said. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver. Well, they continue to drive when the guy went flying through another stop light. "You ran ANOTHER stop light. You are going to get us killed!!!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time, the driver said. After a while they came to a green light when the guy stopped. "Why are you stopping?" The driver turned around and said, "Because my brother might be coming!" Big Foot's been spotted several times. 
Only in Africa! A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert." The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert." So men can understand them. An elderly man lay dying in his bed.In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength,and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth,seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...... "F*ck off" she said, "they're for the funeral." Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it" A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut! The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know... Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes, son, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe they walked everywhere they went." Because not one will stop and ask for directions. Finding a bottle on the beach, Jake uncorks it and releases a genie. "Ah, now you get three wishes," says the genie. "Great!" Jake replies. "First, I want one billion dollars." Poof! There's a flash, and a paper with Swiss bank account numbers appears in Jake's hand. "Next, I want a nice ocean-side house in Hawaii." Poof! Another flash, and he is holding the deeds to an ocean side property in Hawaii. "Finally," Jake says, "I want to be irresistible to women." Poof! There's another blinding flash, ...and Jake turns into a box of chocolates. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," he replied, "I've never done either." "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor. "No, I've never done any of those things either." "Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?" We'll let you know when it happens. The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only "fasten 8." Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. A group of British explorers were working in a remote area in the jungles of Venezuela. Each week a supply plane would fly over and drop supplies. At that time they would have a brief radio contact with the pilot and order supplies to be delivered on the next run. They recognized a need for some shallow draft water craft to navigate the streams and swamps, so when the supply plane came they requested 2 punts and a canoe. The following week, when the plane flew over 2 women came parachuting down and the pilot radioed, "Here are the girls you asked for. What is a panoe?"
, 2000.
Webmaster:
COLIN DEDRICKS
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