The Arrival of The Squire
Len Hayward
Posted to alt.cuddleOctober 3, 1996
"You shall not defeat me!" yells The Squire. "I know your Name, Demon!"
The Shadow Demon strikes again. Sparks jump as swords collide. Strike. Parry. Thrust. Slash. Parry.
"Shadow Demon! Your name is Despair!" With that, The Squire is past the Shadow Demon's guard and he cuts through its giant misty form. A shriek of rage tears the air. It is a sound that pierces one's body through to the soul. The misty form darkens once and then fades in the wind.
The Squire has no time to savor his victory, for a great many shadowy forms surround him and attack together. His sword is useless against so many. Only his determination and faith keeps him from being overwhelmed.
"I did not see you when you first invaded me. I allowed you to control my thoughts and actions until I drove my wife away." The Demons have nearly smothered him. "Now I SEE you! With the help of God, the Lord Christ, I will prevail!"
The Squire gives a fast, powerful push upwards, sending the
Demons sprawling in all directions. Sunlight starts to break
through the storm. A Power can be tangibly sensed, building all
around. The Shadow Demons falter and move away. One of them
utters unrecognizable fell words which open a portal to a dark
region beyond.
"I will not let you escape!" The Squire raises his sword
and rushes towards his enemies. As the Shadows leap into the
portal, a single shaft of sunlight bursts through the clouds and
onto The Squire's sword. In that instant, it reflects off the
blade and into the portal. The dark region is shattered, to be
replaced by a wondrous world.
The Shadow Demons howl in pain as they pass into this bright land. The Squire jumps through the portal after them. It is too late. The Demons scatter in all directions, seeking out the shadows and dark places.
"No! They must not be allowed to infect and harm this beautiful place!", he cries out desperately.
"Welcome, sir, to CuddleLand(tm)," speaks a woman's voice with a musical Southern U.S. accent, "and thank you kindly for the compliment."
The Squire finds himself in an elegant gazebo housing the portal he had jumped through. The gazebo is set in a meadow, part way up what he later learns is Mount Cuddle. From it the view looks out over Cuddleland. He finds it breathtaking.
Standing next to him is the translucent image of a lovely lady, dressed as an 1860's Southern Belle. She gives him a hug, steps back, and then curtseys. The Squire is momentarily dazed from the unique experience of the ethereal hug. Then, his questions suddenly come in a confused rush.
"Who are you? Are you a Spirit? Will you be able to help me stop the Shadow Demons?" He continues without pausing enough for her to answer, "Who should be warned of their entry in your fair land? Do you understand the danger? They are insidiously deadly! I must find a way to track my enemies! There is..."
"PLEASE, SIR!!"
The Squire stops and immediately feels chagrin for his uncharacteristically rude behavior. "My apologies, Milady." He gives a small bow.
"Accepted, gentle sir." The Southern Belle curtseys again. "My name is Savannah. I am not a Spirit, but a holographic P.D.A.; that is to say, a Portal Didactic Avatar. It is my honor and privilege to welcome to CuddleLand all visitors that enter through our Southern Portal, and to provide them with any information they request regarding our world."
The Squire muses that Southern Hospitality is quite appropriate. Moreover, he had never experienced anything remotely similar to the warmth of that holographic hug.
"I can assist you to stop these Shadow Demons; we've handled them before," continued Savannah. "I am informing the Princesses and Knights in Tarnished Armor (KiTA(tm)) of their entry, as we speak."
In the midst of the Bear Hunt(tm), Savannah appears simultaneously beside each Princess and KiTA. She curtseys and quickly explains the Emergency at the Southern Portal.
Sir Locksley, in his self-appointed capacity of Hugaree, calls a Time-Out!(tm) so that the Princesses and Knights (especially himself) won't miss out on any Hugs, Cuddles, Wuzzles, et cetera, while they are away handling the emergency.
Fortunately, everyone had already armed themselves... (You silly readers. We're talking Cuddle-weaponry, not body appendages. Harrumph. AS I was narrating ...) ... armed themselves for the Bear Hunt. No time is lost rushing home, or to the armory, or to where ever to gather their arms (Don't start!!), read the mail, bake pies, order pizza, conduct experiments, and so on, ad infinitum.
(Where were we? Ah. Yes.)
The Cuddle Royalty and the Cuddlers they had volunteered to help them, set off to HANDLE(tm) the Emergency.
(The HANDLE(tm) technique description, specifications, process methodology, and research notes can be retrieved through the CuddleLand University Elven Library Extended Search Service; commonly known as C.L.U.E.L.E.S.S.(tm).
To put what "HANDLE(tm) the Emergency" means into perspective for you, our Cuddly Reader... Without any doubt, just one Princess wielding HANDLE(tm) technology is more effective than the combined abilities of the U.S. Navy, King Arthur's Knights of the Round Table, the Frugal Gourmet, Stephen Spielberg, Donald Duck, Lufthanza Airlines, the International Red Cross, Federal Express, the International Olympic Committee, the National Geographic, Rodgers and Hammerstein, the Encyclopedia Brittanica and the Flying ELVI.
If for some incomprehensible reason you should ever find yourself at the business end of a Princess using this stuff, be scared. Be VERY Scared...)
Savannah walks to a control panel in the gazebo. "As for tracking the Shadow Demons, I suggest that a better approach would be to bring them back here using the Rewind Button."
Over the Rewind Button is a small sign stating, "Only for Emergency Use in Case of Lots of Shadow Demons, Big Monstahs, or Late Arrivals to the Ball."
"Rewind Button." He shakes his head. "What magical realm is this CuddleLand?"
"Use the Pause and Play Buttons to set everything back to Normal Playback. Be sure to use them before we rewind all of the way back to when the Portal opened. Otherwise, we will reach the beginning of this Timeline and it will stop. If that should happen, only a Princess or KiTA, who must already be here, can restart the Timeline and set it on its proper course. Also, do not use the Stop Button, for the same reason."
The Squire presses the Rewind Button and everything outside of the gazebo begins to move backwards. Out of the shadows and dark places, the Shadow Demons are pulled back towards the Portal. Just as they come near, The Squire presses the Pause Button. He hesitates with his finger over Play.
"If I press Play, they will scatter again. I can only go after one. Will I have to do this for each Demon, or will help arrive first?"
"Oh, dear," sighs Savannah, "there is so much you need to know to do this effectively."
She gracefully sits down on the ornate porch swing and pats the cushion next to her. As The Squire sits down, she hands him a mint julep that seems to have come from nowhere. He sips his drink and listens as she begins.
"CuddleLand is place of surpassing beauty and caring. Magic abounds here and is only limited by your imagination and available time online. The real Magic comes from our citizens. Their strength of character, supportive nature, and immeasurable Love, with a capital L, are the very foundations of this enchanted world."
She reaches out in front of her and a Web Parchment Browser console appears in midair. "Here, honey, use this to read the FAQ Parchments that Olmur the Dwarf has set up. You may wish to read some of the Posts as well to get the essence of our life here."
Blinking a few times in surprise, The Squire starts reading and learns, after a couple thousand Posts, that undoubtedly he has entered a very CUDDLY land. Nodding his head, he stands up. The Web Parchment Browser disappears.
"I understand. To defeat the Shadow Demons, I only need to be everywhere at once. It's so simple."
"Exactly, sir."
"I thank you, Lady Savannah." The Squire bows to Savannah, who is still seated on the porch swing, and she inclines her head in return.
He turns and pushes the Play Button. Everything begins moving forward again, although a little slower from the muscle cramps that come from holding an awkward position for a long time.
The Squire leaps out of the gazebo and seven of himself land all about the Shadows.
"Anger!", yells The Squire, No. 1. "You're fiery nature will no longer torment me!"
The Squire, No. 1, reaches into his cloak and brings out several ninja stars. He throws most of them into Anger. Anger explodes into a ball of fire and then drops into a large pile of jars with a sign stuck in at the top reading "Fire Sale, All Salsa 70% Off". Each jar contains salsa, marked from "Mild" to "HOO-WHEE!!". Taken aback by this strange victory, The Squire, No. 1, slowly lowers the hand still holding a ninja star at the ready. He looks at the ninja star and is startled to see it is ninja star shaped corn tortilla. A quick check shows that all of them in his cloak are the same.
The Squires, No. 2 through No. 6, have surrounded the Shadow Demons, Isolation and Sorrow. Using a group hug, and sympathetic words, The Squires, No. 2 through No. 6, coax Isolation and Sorrow to weeping. The Demons turn into two bags of extra-large marshmallows.
The Squire, No. 7, seeing Fear about to out run him, pulls out his bow and fires a Cloud-Seeding arrow into the fluffy cloud drifting over Fear. The cloud quickly turns dark and begins to rain. To Fear's and The Squire, No. 7,'s surprise, the cloud is raining treacle.
"AARRRRHHH!", screams Fear, "I'm melting! Melting! AAAAAHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........"
Fear has melted into a large glob of spam covered by steaming treacle. Nearby Shadow Demons begin shrieking. Only the words "Kansas", "accursed Dorothy", and a warning about falling houses are intelligible.
The intrepid Cuddle Royalty and their Volunteer Cuddle Army arrive to this horrifying scene and join the melee.
"Volunteer Army? HA! The Cuddle Royals "volunteered" us," snorts Balloo, "We were PRESSED into service, I tell ya. PRESSED!"
"Please! Don't use the word "PRESSED" around me!" Cuddle Duck looks fretfully about. "It makes me nervous!"
The description of the ensuing HANDLE(tm)ing of the Shadow Demons are best left to the individual participants. (It is far too much for this Narrator to describe in one Post. This Post is already too long as is. Oh, well.) We will leave it said that the Shadow Demons Distrust, Complacency, Denial, Accusation, Procrastination, Avoiding-Responsibility, Self-Pity and many others were dispatched before Dinnertime, with minutes to spare.
The Squires, No. 1 through No. 7, walk back to the gazebo where the others are gathering. As The Squire, No. 1, passes the pile of salsa jars, he sees a bear in a black ninja outfit eyeing them.
"Here," says the Squire, holding out the ninja tortillas. "You'll want to use these with the salsa." The ninja bear takes the ninja tortillas with a look of confusion. He looks at jars, looks at the tortillas, looks at the sign, looks at The Squire, No. 1, looks at the jars, looks at the sign...
The Squire, No. 7, walks past a Princess bear and a Gentleman, who obviously is her squire. They are looking at the large glob of treacle covered spam with apparent distaste.
"Galahad, this is a fearful concoction, don't you think?"
"Yes, Princess, "fearful" is a very good word. It needs to be cleaned up before someone is hurt."
"Why, thank you for offering, *Sweet* Galahad."
"Awwh, P.T.B.!! I don't... I mean, I didn't... It's a MESS and it'll take SO long... Ohhhhh... I can never say "No" when you look at me that way. Okay, I'll do it." The Gentleman pulls out a pair of rubber gloves, a mop, a bucket and a womble. (Where, one wonders, does he keep these things?) To himself he mumbles, "You'd think I'd have learned by now to keep my mouth shut."
The Squires have nearly converged on the gazebo when they begin to speak in unison. "Milords and Miladies, I thank you."
"Ooohh. They sound better than quadraphonic stereo," whispers a Jester dressed in a bear suit.
"Shhhh!" hushes Cuddle Bug.
"These Shadow Demons had tormented me in another land. I have been battling with them for many months. During my last fight to overcome them, they felt the presence of God and attempted to flee to their own dark region. By His Divine intercession, they came here instead." The Squires have merged into one and their multiple voices are now only one. "I see that it was not by chance that your world was chosen. Never have I seen such mastery of Shadow Demons as you have displayed today."
The Cuddlers see a man wearing mail that shows the signs of battle, and a muted silver cloak. The cloak moves gently in the light, cool breeze. It is fastened by a brooch bearing the image of a sword wrapped by a rose. The rose petals are silver with a hint of mauve. They blend into a light edging of mauve mixed with lavender. The man is fair skinned, with thinning brown hair and a trim mustache. His eyes are a warm, gentle, smiling brown. Those of discerning vision see behind the gentleness of his eyes a weariness from his personal battles. But, behind that is wisdom combined with laughter.
The Squire turns to the Princesses and Knights in Tarnished Armor. "Your Royal Highnesses and Gentle Knights," he says bowing. "I am The Squire. It is an honor to be a newcomer to your realm. I only wish it had been the result of better circumstances."
Before he continues, he sees an angel with beautiful red hair. "The Cuddle Angel," he says in a hushed awe. The Squire pulls out his sword, bends on one knee and presents the sword hilt to the angel. "If it please you, my Lady Angel, I offer my services to you in the quest to bring Love, Happiness, and Comfort to those who's journeys brings them to this land in their time of need."
Cuddle Angel accepts the sword and then takes The Squire's hand in hers. "Gentle Sir, I accept your offer." She gently raises him to his feet and smiles. "We are glad you are here with us. Welcome!!" She gives him several *newbiehugs*, *newbiecuddles*, *newbiesnuggles*, and *newbiewuggles*. The Cuddlers all together join in and The Squire, attempting to hug everyone back (forgetting he can do it simultaneously), is overwhelmed by the massive GROUP-NEWBIE-CUDDLE(tm).
When The Squire finally finds himself able to breath again, he looks to the Southern Portal in the gazebo. The land he came from is filled with sunlight. The storm clouds have moved off in the distance and the fearsome wind has left with them.
"Lady Savannah, please close the Portal," he says smiling. "I'll be staying awhile."
"Gladly, sir." With her curtsey, the Portal quietly closes and Savannah fades from sight.
The Cuddlers return to the Bear Hunt(tm). Galahad can be seen bearhugging Sir Locksley so tightly that Sir Locksley can't speak. Gleefully, Galahad, in his capacity as the other Hugaree, yells out, "Time-In!(tm)"
Jelliebun,
Home, Back to the index page.
For the Bear Hunt(tm), I'm signing
up to help Jelliebun with refreshments.
As you are aware, as a Squire, it is my
duty to attend to and help a a Lady
(obviously this includes Lady bunnies)
whenever I find one who is in need.
It is apparent that even with the
help of the Cuddle Elves, you have a
monumental task (especially for one as
new as you (or I)). I have already
arranged for a shipment of Lemonade and
Chocolate Eclairs. (Whistling to
nearby Cuddle Elves, "Okay, boys, back
'em in!" A tanker truck marked
Lemonade and an eighteen wheel semi
start backing into position. BEEP!
BEEP! BEEP! ...) As a fellow newbie
to CuddleLand, I offer my assistance.
What say you, Milady?
Humbly, I am ...
Your Obedient Servant,
~ The Squire ~
(Len Hayward)
===================================================
Excellence is an art won by training and
habituation. We do not act rightly because
we have virtue or excellence, but rather we
have those because we have acted rightly.
We are what we repeatedly do.
Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.
- Aristotle -
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hayward@tape.enet.dec.com Littleton, MA, USA
