Mon, 07 Apr 1997Please send your queries c/o misterdark@mail.geocities.com
MR. WONDERFUL'S HAPPY RETURNS
Dear Mr. Wonderful,I was reading about how people should not put slugs into their mouths because they are intermediate hosts of assorted nasty parasites. Do you have any advice on other things that your Gentle Readers should not put in their mouths?
--grub girl
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Dear Girl,We here at Wonderful Labs make it our business to study just these sorts of questions, in the fervent hope that someday someone will please, please, please give us a setup like that. Unfortunately, it makes us a little *too* qualified. Were we to share with our readers the full list of things that we had discovered we would have been better off never to have placed in our mouths, we'd never get to work.
(Wonderful Labs is also doing a study of things that one *should* put in one's mouth. Anyone who would like to volunteer for this research is encouraged to come on by. Wear something nice.)
THE BEGINNINGS OF A PARTIAL-INCOMPLETE LIST OF AN ABRIDGED SUMMARY OF SOME OF THE THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT PUT IN YOUR MOUTH:
#1 Goat Melt
#2 Your elbow
#3 The sister of a violent man
#4 Mime Juice
#5 Anything given to you by a smiling man
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MR. WONDERFUL HAS MORE TO COME!!!
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WONDERFUL REBUTTALS
---Not everyone agrees with the Voice of Genius....
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
I myself being an expert on putting things in my mouthwould have to disagree on the elbow part. If you in fact can get your elbow or any other part of your anatomy in your mouth you should not only do so you should also frequently and persistently do it in front of other people.
- The wacky viking.
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We also got responses _adding_ to the list of items. Topping these hadto be "TREET" an organic compound found in a can by "The Laughing Man in
Twilightzone". Apparently TREET is either a super-secret semi-conductor
from Planet Ten, or something primitive gods use to weight each other
down while in the dolorous abyss.
"Brightgirl in Leather" brought it all together by pointing out that the
Romans developed a toothpaste made of urine and vinegar. Makes you
wonder why the Empire ever collapsed, doesn't it?
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HEY PORN DIRECTORS! Need a new leading man with some amazing
capabilities? Contact Sven Feelsgud at gaudrell@diku.dk
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MR. WONDERFUL, PHILANTHROPIST
Dear Mr. Wonderful,I was having a discussion about life on other planets this morning, and the conclusion that I reached was that I hope we humans never really find any, because we'd be overwhelmingly likely to fuck it all up. How do you feel on this issue?
Pollen-fingers, MD
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Dear Doctor Allergy,Allow me first to congratulate you on actually having a discussion. Ifeel that conversations are something that we don't have enough of, andthat argument and debate are necessary exercises for the mind. Of course, you don't actually say you had this discussion with another person. That's okay as long as you know when to stop.
As to the issue of supra-gaiac life, I look forward to blasting those greasy grey bugheads into gobbets. Try and take our women, eh? Want some of this, E.T.? My mother conquers better than you! Take that, Cone-ass! Eat hot plasma!
On the other hand, I think you give humans too much credit. It's this whole arrogant "Save the Planet" crack-head mentality. You can't save the planet, and what's more, you don't need to! The planet is gonna do just fine without us, no matter what we do. We're not gonna rock it off its access or pull the moon into it. The planet is _solid_. All we worry about is preserving this random ecosystem that we're at the top of. If we ruin that, we disappear, yeah, but the planet goes on, with new life and new system. Adios humanity, you had your shot, Momma's got a brand new bag. The only thing human's fuck up is themselves. We have 100% accuracy at our own feet.
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WONDERFUL TEMPTS FATE!
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And a big hello to our newest reader from Connecticut, where the second
"c" is silent.
WONDERFUL CONTRADICTION
dear mr wonderful,i don't care what you say, humans suck anyway.
pollen-fingers
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Dear sticky,I don't think you got my meaning. Allow me to clarify: Humans suck so bad that they can't even properly fuck things up. It's only an inflated sense of our own importance that makes us think we're so god-awful destructive. As I heard quoted by one of the monks as I labored in the Himalayan peaks for Roy Rogers, "Nature bats last."
But your reply does make a lovely little poem. In fact, it could be the basis of a new punk anthem. A Mr. Wonderful prize to the best complete song submitted with a theme and chorus of "I don't care what you say/ humans suck anyway."
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MR. WONDERFUL HAS A JONES
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WONDERFUL JR.
Dear Mr. Wonderful,I think you are neat. I lick how you answer so meny qwestions. I think you are so smart. You must have a big head.
I am in the third grade and I have a sience project. It is air. I have a qwestion. What wood happen if there was no more air? What wood there be? Woold we be in outerspace? How come we don't just make up a place with no air and see what growes? Then we woold know what is in space.
Thank You, Nicky
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Dear Impostor,
Mr. Wonderful sees through your ruse. While many other gurus, swamis and sages would be taken in by your innocent prose, you cannot pull the sheep over Mr. Wonderful's eyes...if I had a nickel for every teacher that's hid behind a student to ask delicate cosmological questions I'd have...25 cents.
Nonetheless, the big-headed Mr. Wonderful (on the nosey!) will respond to your sycophantic praise and not your deception. Here are the answers to your questions:
1) If there were no air, the earth would fall into the sun. The only way to avert this disaster would be to tie all the world's pigeons to the Golden Gate Bridge and have them haul us to Pluto, where I know some guys.
2) There would be a lot of deep, deep tans.
3) What so many people forget is that we already are in outer space. It's just a bad neighborhood.
4) We did make a place with no air. Scientists evacuated all the air from J. Danforth Quayle's brain in 1967. Nothing grew. The subject has since been put down.
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WONDERFUL YEARNS FOR THE EIGHTIES
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WONDERFUL READERS RULE!
********Composed in an hour, to be served over rocks**************** "People are born
********Copyright 1997 Tekurah M."Diva" McCullough******************People die
People put a sharp stick in the eye
of other people who are different than they
Humans suck anyway
Hitler,Ghandi, Stalin, MLK
I don't care what you say
Humans suck anyway
People pray
People pay
People go out of their way
To kill people who pray a different way
Humans suck in every way
Hitler,Ghandi, Stalin, MLK
I don't care what you say
Humans suck anyway
guitar solo
Ask Mussolini
Ask Mr. Koresh
Ask OJ Simpson
Ask John Tesh
Peo-ple Suuuuuuuuuuck!
People starve
People eat
People won't even cross the street
To help a homeless child get on her feet
People suck my left teat
Hitler,Ghandi, Stalin, MLK
I don't care what you say
Humans suck anyway
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WONDERFUL: THE CONTEST CONTINUES
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What do y'all say to a joke contest? Just send me the best joke that
sets up this punchline:
"That? That's the way the Coo kee, Crumbles."
WONDERFULLY DELICIOUS
Dear Mr. Wonderful,How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And who would he chuck it at?
Lov,
the Thing in the Shadows
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Dear Bedlurker,Ah, the perennial questions of philosophy! How they continue to intrigue and confound over the centuries....In China, the question is phrased, "How much foo would a foodang dang if a foodang could dang foo?" and in Romania they ask, "Where's my thermometer?" but it all means the same thing. Where mankind goes, goes the woodchuck.
For a complete discussion of the metaphorical and theological implications of the woodchuck, see any book by Joseph Campbell. As this is actually an ancient Zen problem, the answer in the physical realm is of course only to be found in another question, to wit: "How much wool could a woolery chuck if Chuck Woolery could chuck wool?" Meditate on that and see where it gets ya.
As to your follow-up question, my gut instinct tells me the answer is Woody.
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MI$TER WONDERFUL ON FIRE!
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DRUNKEN WONDER
Oh Mr. Blunderfool,Please enlighten me on my queries:
Whatever happened to the those Coors Party Balls?
How does asprin know where to go when you're hurt?
Why are all CA seismologists lesbians? I'm guessing men couldn't make the "earth move" for them?
Where do babies come from?
and last but not least...If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
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Dear Ms. Walters,You'll get enlightenment allright...as soon as Ann Landers returns my thwack-em stick. Until then, here are some answers:
1. A popular keg alternative, the vast majority of Coors Party Balls were converted into lamps by enterprising young frat boys. Unfortunately, few of these Party Lamp-technicians knew much about electric wiring. After the fifteenth deadly inferno, Coors was forced to pull this wonder from the market.
2. It asks me.
But I am making with the jokes! No, no. Aspirin was developed near the end of the Korean War by Eisenhower's secret think-tank. A radio transciever embedded in the pill allows government men to direct the tiny pain-killer anywhere in the body. A laser then burns out any nerve endings it might find. Amazing science fact: the first aspirin were the size Winston Churchill.
3. A better question might be, why are all CA lesbians seismologists? Or why are all CT lawyers sexist? Nature continues to delight in her paradoxes and mysteries. While Mr. Wonderful has never met a lesbian he didn't like, he suspects the answer has something to do with the phrase, "Put your money where your mouth is."
4. ...Flipping through Sarcastic Hipster Advice Column Handbook 1985 edition...ah, here it is. Response 23b.: Your momma.
5. Mr. Wonderful resents the implication that he is not already a tree.
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IF YOU CAN'T AVOID IT
YOU'RE NOT WONDERFUL
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SHARP AND WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,Alfred W. Crosby, in his book "Ecological Imperialism: The Biological Expansion of Europe, 900-1900" (Cambridge University Press, 1986) says that "Culture is a system of storing and altering patterns of behavior not in the molecules of the genetic code but in the cells of the brain" (page 14). I thought a pointy-headed intellectual like yourself would want a chance to respond.
Signed,
Psalm Pringles
P.S. Is it true that I get a free "The Way Wonderful Ought To Be" T-shirt if you answer this letter in your column?
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Dear Crispy,Alfred W. Crosby...that name takes me back...it was 1922 and we had finally decoded the secret dimensions of the Great Pyramid at Giza. I sat in a bar on the Rue Fromage, sipping a rich french roast and contemplating the best way of getting Fitzgerald's wife into bed, when in rushed the Professor: "Come quickly, young Crosby's been shot!"
"Of course he has," I remember thinking, "I certainly paid enough."
Be that as it may, Crosby wouldn't know a molecule if it bit him after breakfast. Nor has he ever encountered a brain cell, I dare say. All he is saying in his psuedo-intellectual way is that we aren't born knowing which fork to use. Well, duh.
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AS ABOVE, SO WONDERFUL
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P.S. You have already recieved your Wonderful T-shirt. It is waiting at the bottom of your closet, under the parka, in the year 2005. We apologize for our omnipresence in time and space.
INTERACTIVE WONDER!
*******A week in the baking, a life in the taking...********** Der Wunderkind,**************************************************************
One, I object to the implication at CT lawyers are sexist...and I'll slap back into the kitchen any bitch who says so!
*****Folks, I just print the stuff. Remember: one shot, one kill.******Two, I seem like Ms. Walters to you boy?....You got any doubt as to mymanhood, son....you come over my coast and I got a 10 knuckle interview for ya!!! ******Boy, I haven't had a good knuckle sammich since 1989*******
Three, why ban Coors Party Balls when all they were doing was causing frat boy deaths? Declines in bestiality and a general upswing for the national IQ level are positives. *****You forget Rule #1 of marketing: never kill a customer.*******
Four, excellent research done on the aspirin query. Too bad Ike's brain trust couldn't develop a shaving cream strong enough to win Nixon the 1960 election....all Hail the Great Master Nixon....who of course was a Leo. *********That's one shot, one kill.**********
Five, I don't know if you're a tree or not...but I'm gonna make like a tree and get outta here! ********Make like a banana and leave? Make like a squirrel and stuff your nuts? Let Mickey dangle on the ten yard line, waiting for a strong wind?********
********And from the other side of Manifest Destiny*********** -- Why are all CA seismologists lesbians? I'm guessing men**************************************************************
-- couldn't make the "earth move" for them?
HELLOO?? Is this not straight out of a Dennis Miller routine I JUST saw on comedy central this weekend?????? what a poseur..i'm horrified..Who wrote this? Come clean! Did you think no one would spot this thievery??? ******Mr. Wonderful does not judge or jury his supplicants, but suffice to say, many a chuckle will be had at Captain Sensitivity's expense.**************Rumours of more punk rock anthems continue to abound. Only when I see them in Cathode Ray-o-scope will they be counted. The Angry Drama Queen will have to keep his Bert Lahr mitts to the keyboard.******
WONDER-HOO-HOO!
Dear Mr. Wonderful,How are coincidences made?
When does a coincidence exceed the boundaries of acceptability?
What does it mean for something to be more than a coincidence, and what is it if it does?
And lastly, is the dispute surrounding Lincoln's and Kennedy's assassinations a coincidence or is it something more?
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House.Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Both were shot in the presence of their wives.The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the theater and to Dallas, respectively.
Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners..Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names have 15 letters.Booth ran from the theater and was captured in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theater.To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trial..
What do you think...(X-Files theme plays in the background)
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Dear Mrs. Ruby,I presume that by coincidence you mean an unlikely connexion betweenostensibly unrelated events. If that is not what you mean, please takea number and wait at the back of the line.
1. Coincidences are made by elves in the dead of winter. If you an ask an elf about this, they will deny it. They will possibly even deny being elves. DO NOT RELENT! Keep asking until you are captured and brought to the elf factory, where more answers await.
2. When does a who what? I'm sorry, I need another drink...ah yes. A coincidence is too much when Lyndon LaRouche shakes his head at it.
3. Something is more than a coincidence if it is two coincidences. 10 Synchronicities = 1 Coincidence, 4 Coincidences = 1 Sumbitch. It means you are halfway to a Sumbitch.
4. The Kennedy-Lincoln Mystery is easily solved when you realize both men had the same father.
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IT'S GOOD TO BE WONDERFUL-
IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE GOOD
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WONDER KEMISTRY
Dear Mr. W,What are the likely organic products of the reaction of 4-phenyl-3-buten-2-o with HBr?
I was also wondering if you EVER get stuck with Diels-Alder reactions.
-Girl Widda Chemical Smile
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Dear Lite-Brite,The Boys and Girls of Wonderful Labs report:
1. The most likely is something small and carbonated that goes well with lemon. The second most likely is George Hamilton.
2. No, but once I had a "Dr. Smooth" from Lucky's. Hey, wouldn't a soda called "Diet Adder" do really well?
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WONDER ON!
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I C D 1DER!
dear mr wonderfultoday i went to the beach. the sand was hot on my feet. i got a sunburn. my skin turned red. i have also noticed that tomatoes turn red if they are out in the sun long enough, and i was wondering, since you know so much about science, why these sorts of things happen. i mean, computers don't turn red in the sunlight, nor do ravens or writing desks, and i feel like i have a lot more in common with these things than with a tomato, you know?
yours,
c.d. fruit
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Dear Hemingway,
These sorts of things happen because there are too few lifeguards in the Gene Pool, knowhutumsayin? Very likely, one of your ancestors was wandering through an Italian garden and started noticing the robust, firm fruit clinging to the vine; the full, ripening, ready to burst, to release spicy juices over the hand and face goodness of the reddening globes...and Nature took its course. You'll just have to accept it--no one gets to choose their relatives.And if I might interject here as Doctor Wonderful, I'd like to examine your identification with writing implements and birds. You are not boxy or made of wood. Nor do you eat the eyes of dead men (as far as I know). Yet you think you are more like these things than a tomato, which is an early twentieth century english slang term for "hot momma-jamma"? Get on the couch and give me twenty dreams....
Wonderful wonders:
Why *is* a Raven like a writing desk? If I knew that, I could tell a hawk from a handsaw.********************
WISDOM AIN'T PRETTY, SISTER!
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Back to Behemoth... Back to the Librarium Index... or On to May
Wisdom and Wit © 1997 Mark Anthony Masterson. Thank you to all the querents (Especially Matt and Tekurah, who played along first), long may your lights blink mercilessly.
