Fri, 01 Aug 1997Please send your queries c/o misterdark@mail.geocities.com
REFLECTED WONDERFUL
"...And Calvin himself? Gary Oldman."On this subject I bring forth a question of faith... When your God is
for instance Sir Anthony Hopkins, and a new and improved God comes
along, for example Gary "Fuck ever needing an agent to get a job"
Oldman. What do you do? Do you abandon the fire you have so diligently
tended for all those long cold nights to bask in Lord Oldman's radiance,
or do you just brush the dust off of that Legends of the Fall poster and
"have an old friend for dinner".Indecisively,
Ripp Torn
______________
Dear Chianti-breath,......Mr. Wonderful feels your plight, but wise up, bucko. Gary's the Man.
Your religion is as dead as Moloch Worship and half as fun.......Put away your butler's uniform and prepare to wear the blood-drenched
robes of genius. You have been warned.**************
WONDERFUL KNOWS WONDERFUL
**************
Fri, 01 Aug 1997
FORSOOTH WONDERFUL
Just me and just 1 question.
Lately I've noticed that many past members of the Royal Shakespeare
Company have made quite the name for themselves in mainstream American
cinema. Patrick Stewart, Sir Anthony Hopkins, Malcolm McDowell, Emma
Thompson, Kenneth Branagh, just to name some of the more famous. Now
from being a frequent reader of your column, I KNOW that this is more
than simple coincidence. What exactly is going on? And what role does
Sir Alec Guinness play in this scheme?Just Wondering
"How do you measure yourself against other golfers?"
"By height."
______________
Dear Mr. Swann,......Oh indeed, you are correct. There is more to this than meets the eye.
Evil forces are afoot, and shadowy puppet-masters call the tune. To
wit, the Royal Shakespeare Company does not just train actors.......They also train Ninjas.
......E'en as we speak, these black-garbed, silent bringers of death are
sipping champagne and eating brie in Hollywood, biding their time until
the Kage-sensei gives the order. What order, and to what end? Well you
might ask.........The Royal 'Shakespeare' Company has but one aim, and one aim only: To
retake the American Colonies in the name of Britain and her Queen. In
1945 they clandestinely met with the Emperor Tojo and compacted to
exchange secrets of warfare for leniency. The Emperor gratefully sent
three Masters to England's cold and rocky shores and thus was developed
the ultimate para-military corps: the Deadly-Handed Thespians of the
Royalist Shake Spear Company.......Sir Alec Guinness is, obviously, the Kage-sensei. Fittingly, the only
hope for the United States is that Ewen MacGregor, he of the
unpredictable Ma-ken-zi Highland fighting style, can be persuaded to
join the fight. Without him, even John Wayne's ghost will be eating
kippers by 1999.****************
WONDER ENOUGH?
****************
Fri, 01 Aug 1997
WONDERBUBBLY
Dear Wise Old Owl,
I do not seek how many licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll
lollipop nor I do I see enlightenment about whore-chasing British no
talents. What I do see is Pumpkin Ale. Must I wait for the fall to
taste this delicious product of the Gourd Gods?
_____________
Dear Dean,......Apparently not.
**************
AS WONDERFUL AS IT GETS
**************
Mon, 04 Aug 1997
THE VISIBLE WONDER
ooooh! Mr Wonderful! So do you wear kilts, too?*sigh* *flutter*
Hey, in relation to Hugh Grant's body hair, although your theory is
perfectly plausible, I recently had a vision in a dream where I saw Hugh
napping shirtless on my living room floor. Not only did he have chest
and arm hair, but he also had a hairy back. The hairs on his back were
rather stiff and coarse from his normally incessant shaving routine.
But, not being a Scotsman, I was uninterested in examining any of his
other body hair, I'll have you know.replete with sacred visions,
V. Yoghurt
Dear Bonnie,
Pumpkin Center, CA
___________________......Even though your letter only contains one easily answered query ("Yes,
hotdammit!"), Mr. Wonderful has decided to analyze your dream. He will
not however, show his work. Aspiring dream-students should figure out
the elements for themselves.......Your sacred dream means this: Your true name is Abadocious. You seek
colorful springtime accessories. The Great Beast will visit Florida
soon. Millions of people will be in the wrong place on October 5th.
Hermes reads Wonderful regularly, but doesn't like the long ones. Heaven
and Earth are separate, but often share hotel rooms.*******************
WHO'S THAT WONDERFUL?
*******************
Wed, 06 Aug 1997
RAPID-FIRE WONDER
To start, my Wondering Wife wants to know:
Howcome Harrison Ford doesn't play bad guys? How come Gary Oldman plays
nothing but bad guys lately?******** Harrison once did some very bad things and is now trying to get
Heaven to notice him. Gary doesn't give a damn.As for me, (hold on)
1) If you could be either Tracer Bullett or Spaceman Spiff, which would
you choose?******** SUCK MY BLASTER, SPACE GREASE! Oh, Spiff all the way. Bullet
gets points for the hat, though.2) Did you ever eat paste as a school kid? ******** We couldn't afford paste at my school, THANKS VERY MUCH FOR
REMINDING ME.3) If Chow-Yun-Fat is to the Chinese, and Jean Reno is to the French,
who would be the American equivalent?******** Does his best work with one director, kicks ass, looks cool?
It's gotta be Pauly Shore.4) Who would you cast in the Hitchhiker's guide movies?
******** Me.
5) If Liam Neeson is a Jedi Master in the next installments, would Yoda
have been his pet frog?******** You are so bummed next time the Jedi Masters Convention comes
to your town. "Afraid? You will be." Ah, no. In fact, my advance copy
of the script has Yoda calling Liam his "bitch".6) Along the Muppet theme: Who is your fave Muppet?
******** That little kid in "Jerry Maguire". So realistic!
7) Is Craig Kilborn funny? Or is he just a total puss-wonk?
******** Judges say... Puss-Wonk!
Just Wondering"You wanna be Good Cop or Bad Cop?"
"Bad Cop."
"I never get to be the Bad Cop."
"Because you can never keep a straight face."**************
WONDERFUL FALLS BEHIND
**************
Fri, 08 Aug 1997
WONDER IN JEST
Dr Mister One-deer-full,
Dear Abby won't listen to me, so I am turning
in distress to you. My sister is ten zillion times prettier than
me, and all the boys I fall for are more interested in Sis than in
me. How can I salvage my squooshy self-esteem?
In Agony,Fiona Seal
Sesame Street, SA
_____________
Dear Ms. Judd,......Have you considered conquering a small nation? Tactical maneuvers and
military strategy can be very uplifting when they pay off. Just ask Mao
Tse Tung. You can't, because he's dead. But imagine if you could-- the
implications are astounding! You could tour with an entire entourage of
revived late statesmen, giving interviews and sword-swallowing. Well,
whatever. LBJ would be better at spinning plates. Five shows a day!
And then you could sell the television rights, put together a prime-time
special "DEATH CAN'T HOLD US BACK, AMERICA!" and get on Letterman to
promote it! Meanwhile, bad scientists would be chasing you all over,
trying to steal the formula, but with the help of your plucky dead
friends, they'd all be foiled.......I'd suggest Denmark.
**************
SMASHING WONDERFUL
**************
HOT CROSS WONDERFUL
Dear Mr Wonderful,
Is there any smell that could possibly be
more orgasmic than that of baking bread?Content in Crocodilopolis, Egypt
Dear Dr. Ruth,
______________......Oh, hold on to your little white apron... Wonderful Labs decided to
drop everything and do an absolute and final study on this deeply
serious phenomena. We tried everything from baking breads to breaking
beds. Every stone was turned, every tern was stoned. Aside from the
spoonerisms there seem to have been no side effects of our quest to
discover the hidden connexions twixt Orgasm and Odor.......At first we induced orgasm by any means and asked the subject what
smell they were thinking of. That was pretty funny. Then we tried to
induce orgasm by using smells alone. That took a lot longer, but
luckily we had brought a book. After that, we took it into the streets
and startled passers-by by opening vials under their noses and asking
them if they felt like cuddling with us. In prison, we got to observe a
lot of smells that are the exact opposite of orgasm. After posting
bail, we went home and shook a tower. The first ominous signs of
spoonerism were creeping in, perhaps Mother Nature's way of warning us
not to trifle with her secrets (or Father Time saying, "Don't peddle
with the mast"). Pressing on, we encased a man in a neoprene suit that
gave him no olfactory input whatsoever and hocked him like a watch.
Then it was time for a beer.......Science marches on... today's truths are tomorrow's myths are next
week's godawful novel by Terry Brooks. The results are inconclusive,
not to mention unprintable. The only thing to do is stand in your
kitchen when you can, breathe deep when you like, and just try to
remember: It's nice to have someone to share that bread with.****************
SPUN AROUND AND WONDERED
****************
Sun, 10 Aug 1997
HI YO WONDERFUL
Dear Wilbur,
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
I was at work today and a thought wiggled into my mind. I need
your sagely answer. Why, when Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall, did they
try to get all the King's *horses* to put him back together again? And
why did they ask the horses before they asked the King's men? What kind
of special craftsmen horses were these that knew enough about
cholestersurgery that their advice was needed?
Signed,
B. Grimm
_________________......Two reasons:
......1) Have you *met* the King's men? These guys make The Banana Splits
look like Jackie Chan's stunt team. I'd call the King's octopus before
relying on these jokers.......2) The King's horses had been getting deeper and deeper into illegal
activities at the track. Insider information, hobbling opponents,
betting on their own team-- it was worse than bad, and Dumpty was their
point man. He kept track of everything. He paid the bribes, bought the
PCP, put the head of an Italian in the stall of a quarter-horse who
wouldn't play along, basically he knew where all the needles were
buried. He had it set up, though, so that if he got whacked all his
files would go straight to his Majesty. The horses were on the scene
first because their lives depended on their homey making it. As there
weren't nothing they could do, most of 'em are on their way to France.******************
YIPPE-KI-AY, MR. WONDERFUL
******************
Thu, 14 Aug 1997
FIVE TIMES WONDERFUL
Dear Mr Wonderful,
After reading your wonderrific advice to B. Grimm, I too request your
Dear Nipsey,
sagely answer...I just hope you respond thymely. Please do not pepper
your response with a lot of salty language. Who is your favorite Spice
Girl?
__________________......Mr. Wonderful feels like he is trying to make it to the third round on
MTV's 'Singled Out'. And he fears that once he does, he will be known
as "The Spice Pirate" and Carmen Elektra will force him to wear an
eyepatch with a heart painted on it. This is a common feeling for Mr.
Wonderful, though, so do not blame yourself.......Spice Girls? I assume that we are not talking about Arrakis... desert
planet... Dune. Because if we were, I'd have to go with Captain Spice
(Patrick Stewart). And if we were talking about famous chefs, I'd
choose Spoon Spice (Betty Crocker). Likewise, you cannot be referring
to the salt mines of Mongolia, as the only answer there is Slave Spice
(Cho-jin). No, you must mean those lovable pnuematic British crooners
that have so won over our hearts. I think my favorite must be John, the
Funny Spice.********************
HEAR THAT? THAT'S WONDERFUL
********************
Thu, 14 Aug 1997
UNIVERSAL WONDERFUL
Dear Mr Wonderous,
How come the flibbering ghestralti dashes so
gravely at this hurrdlir time of the morning? I mean,
I already told him to talk to the hand, you know, but
he just bit it off with his razor-sharp rrryulibbders, which
are normally used to burrow under the prongs of the UUUT
shrub, but that didn't stop the little xaspterayer. I'm fed up
with this bunk. Wouldn't you be?A.A. Mooteby, NJ
Dear A.A.,
__________________......You know, sometimes I feel I just don't understand women.
......Seriously, you need to spend more time with your ghestralti. Their
rrryulibbders will stay rigid well until puberty unless the primary
caregiver earns their trust. Try singing songs together, or perhaps
slipping a little vodka into his UUUT juice (you are giving him his RDA,
right?).......Incidentally, a few less late nights at the mah-jongg table and the
mornings might not seem so hurrdlir, dig?****************
ALL THIS AND WONDERFUL FOR A DIME
****************
Fri, 15 Aug 1997
CLASSIC WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. W,
Whatever happened to Diogenes and his lamp?
The Roamin' Roman
Dear Smarty-pants,
________________......A brief rundown for the"Urban-Legends-Of-The-Ancient-World-For-100-Alex" impaired: The Cynic Diogenes, a philosopher, toga-wearer and proto-bluesman, wandered B.C.E. Mediterrania at mid-day with a darkened lamp, searching for an honest man. Philosophers are pretty unsure of what the point was. "That's just Diogenes," they say.
......The lamp itself has the far more marvelous history. It has appeared in
the courts of kings, the churches of popes and the outhouses of guys who
just happened to be rich, but not for any special reason. It was in
Corinth when Alexander the Great rode in. It was in Rome when Caesar
ruled. It was in Jerusalem in 33 C.E. Charlemagne claims to have seen
it in France. It is listed as a possession of England in the Domesday
Book. Leonardo Da Vinci did sketches of it. Sir Francis Bacon wrote by
its light. Napoleon uncovered it in Egypt. It survived the sinking of
the Titanic and the firestorm at Dresden. How do we know all this?
There's a guy on Fifth and Main who'll let it go for just 25 dollars.
He's got Rolexes, too.......As for Diogenes, eventually this notice appeared in the "Athens Times":
"Aging White Male seeks Honest Man for long-term truth-seeking. Hobbies
include masturbation in public, suntanning and chicken plucking. No
barbarians, please."***************
SCRAMBLED WONDER
***************And a big haloo to our newest correspondents! Come on in, the wisdom's
fine!
Sat, 16 Aug 1997
MISTER! WONDERFUL!
Deah Mistah Wunnerful
Henry Winkler and a songwriter named David Capri are going to start
writing "Happy Days: The Musical" next month. It is already due to
debut on the London stage. Didn't they know that Brooke Sheilds'
appearance on Broadway in "Grease" already killed The Musical, one of my
favorite art forms? Can anything be done?--Miss Hannigan
Dear Rosie,
_________________......The Musical's not dead. Not as long as Nathan Lane still holds the
Auzerbajan Crystal, wrested from the jeweled crown of Cambrech the
Phoenix God, that is. That gem of unholy power should allow Ur-mage
Lane to breathe life into just about anything he pleases, despite the
efforts of Jesuit-trained infiltrators like Ms. Sheilds.......As far as Mssrs. Winkler and Capri, your only recourse is an economic
one. Raise tariff rates on goods imported to the United States from
England. England will be forced to retaliate, sending prices sky-high,
especially in hot-dog-dependent London. Local British manufacturers
will begin a hiring frenzy to meet the increased demand for shoddy
goods. Then you drop tariff rates to record lows, and Parliament
gratefully reciprocates. Thousands of cockney fools will be laid off,
leading to inevitable riots. The theater in question should then burn
down. Having oversold shares in the production, Winkler and Capri will
be driven into exile, never to darken the proscenium arch again.......Thank you for your inquiry.
***************
SOMEBODY WONDERFUL
***************
Mon, 18 Aug 1997
MR. BUCK WONDERFUL
Dear 00110111,
When I come home from work and sit down at my computer,
I am heartbroken that I cannot stand to turn it on. My home computer is
so bad now that it's almost worse than having a stick shift. I feel I
have to turn the disc-drive platters by hand. Sometimes I have to reach
into the computer and help the bits along. I think I need to renew my
relationship with my home computer, but I don't know how. Can you help
me?Signed,
Dear Ada Lovelace,
Needing a Reboot
_________________......Have you tried taking a bath with your computer? Nothing quite puts
the spark back into a relationship like soapy fun. You might also try
sharing some of its interests. Stick your finger in an electrical
outlet.......Be sure to write back and let us know how it goes, lover.
****************
THE QUOTABLE WONDERFUL
****************
Mon, 18 Aug 1997
CROSSFIRE WONDERFUL
************ The Wit's End...
************ About our study of Orgasms and Bread products, DR.
PRUDHOMME asks:Were yeast infections part of the study as well?
************ And wins a Virtual Prize for Least Appetizing Pun.
************ More recently, LT. DATA had this to say about the Mister
Wonderful Archives-- "programmers have such a hard time on the web
because they are surrounded by artsy-fartsy assholes
who don't know how to write"************ That's *Mister* Artsy-fartsy to you.
************ Finally, the pros and cons of Musical Theater are raised by
TONY RANDALL IN CT:Again while I usually defer to the great Wonderful...I have my own reply
to the Musical seeker.Dear Ms. Harridan,
Are you nuts? Did you not see the fantabulous, stupidendous Liza
Minnelli in Victor/Victoria? The bottom line is the musical is not
dead...but only morphed into an extension of the Betty Ford clinic. I'm
dying to see Matthew Perry and Kelsey Grammer in "Beavis and Butthead -
Stupidstars". Don't blink or you'll miss it.************ And he wins a Virtual Prize for Best Portmanteau Word with
"Stupidendous".***************
BE YOUR WONDERFUL
***************
Mon, 18 Aug 1997
THE TEMPLE OF WONDERFUL
Dear Sir,
My personal computer is the most recent incarnation
of the great Egyptian god Djehuti, known to the Greeks as Thoth.
My printer is the divine image of his sacred wife, Sesheta.
I give them offerings regularly and thank them sincerely for their
lordly help, and they in return bestow their blessings upon me. I
have recently acquired a modem, however, and I suspect that
Sesheta may become jealous of the new presence in Djehuti's
serial port. How do you suggest I mediate in this delicate situation?Yours,
Dear Anne Rice,
Honest Amy in Lockwood, Missouri
_____________......That depends. How fast is the modem?
......But seriously, what you need to do is get yourself a big bucket of sand
and a Louis Armstrong record. Your digital divinities have to feel at
home in this time of transition, lest they blight your crops or flood
the Nile. Maybe they'll let that dung beetle steal the sun, and then
where would you be? Huh? Yes, it's best to appease them.......Turn up your thermostat. Spread the sand around your office, and
hand-crank the record player backwards. What not a lot of people know is
that "Satchmo" studied the mystery cults of Egypt and backward-masked
prayers to Osiris and other deities on many of his most popular tunes.
That's why he was the first man on the moon. Keep a steady pace, or
Armstrong's prayers may slur into an invocation of Set, the hoary lord
of darkness, probably in the form of Microsoft Office....... Soon Sesheta will relax and begin thinking about the good times she's
had with her brother-husband-son. Likewise, Djehuti will look fondly on
his mother-saviour and cuddle up next to her. They will whisper sweet
hieroglyphic nothings and laugh about how they ever could have worried
something would come between them.****************
GOODNIGHT, WONDERFUL
****************
Thu, 21 Aug 1997
HEAVY WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
You must help me. I can't think of anyone else who can. This is really
Dear Rasputin,
hard for me but, well this thing grew from my chin, and it has been
doing weird things to my life. I'll wake up with vivid dreams of doing
terrible things, or at least really ballsy stuff. It happens to me all
the time, and just yesterday I found out that some of those dreams are
true. What's happened to me??
______________......What has happened is that you have become a victim of the World-wide
Communist Conspiracy. I feel very sorry for you, but those are the
breaks, you unwilling Pinko.......Your beard did not "grow" from your chin in any real sense. It was
planted there, follicle by follicle. Reds in black crept into the
sanctity of your bedroom (probably last October) and placed tiny
radio-control receivers into your skull. Since then, your body and mind
have been at their nefarious beck and dastardly call every time you
sleep. You have most likely been conducting rallies, inciting riots,
running guns and drinking vodka for several months now. No doubt you
have also been smoking black cigarettes and seducing hat-check girls.......If it is any consolation, you are not alone. Millions have been duped
into thinking that Communist Menace is defunct. In fact, they merely
hired a new ad agency (from Akron, Ohio). You may have noted the rise
in the numbers of goatee'd young men. It is, however, old technology,
developed by Marconi in 1900. Lenin, Castro, and Luciano Pavarotti were
all similarly duped. Start sleeping with large women. Perhaps they will
be able to restrain you; otherwise you have no hope.......Note that John Wayne never wore a beard, Commie.
***************
INTERNATIONAL WONDER
***************
Thu, 21 Aug 1997
MR. WONDERFUL'S CURIOSITY SHOP
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
......Something has been absolutely puzzling, nay, racking my brain for some
time now. Why is it that we never see certain things in this world?
For instance, why do we never see:......1) A crucifix-shaped vibrator?
......2) An all-night Jell-O Parlor and Yarn Shop?
......3) A very old man with a working yo-yo?
......4) A ton of mayonnaise... in two piles?
......5) The Latin word for "douche bag"?......Help me...!
Kung-fused,
Dear Riddler,
Mr. Porno
________________......You haven't been looking in the right places.
......1) Try the Vatican's Secret catalog. Call 1-800-HOTNUNS (468-6867).
......2) Emily Kafka has been running the BIG BALL O' JELLO since 1967 as a
combination Jell-O bar, knitting supply shop and bowling alley. Be sure
to show up on Wednesdays for Nude Body-Bowling in the Gelatin!......3) You shouldn't talk about your father like that.
............But seriously, Kino Video offers a special video transfer of
"Grandpa's Old Potatoes" which should have what you're looking for.......4) Follow Tommy Lasorda into the bathroom.
......5) Dr. Wilhelm Nutterbutter is the world's leading expert in naughty
latin phrases. For a peck on the cheek he'll tell you anything you want
to know. Incidentally, "douche bag" is actually the French word for
"after-dinner mint".......Next time, try harder.
**************
THE BOY WONDERFUL
**************
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Wisdom and Wit © 1997 Mark Anthony Masterson. Thank you to all the querents (Especially Matt and Tekurah, who played along first), long may your lights blink mercilessly.
