Please send your queries c/o misterdark@mail.geocities.com
Wed, 03 Dec 1997
WONDER BAR
Dear Wonderful,
I have noticed a disturbing trend. In the many, many months since the
blotched criminal trial of O.J. Simpson, I have noticed the regular
appearance of both Marcia Clark and Christopher Darden serving as legal
"experts" for various media outlets. I must question why any sane human being
would ever consider the California Bar's answer to Tweedledee and Tweedledum
knowledgable in the law.Did "Wrong Way" Corrigan go onto a successful career in aviation instruction?
Does Bill Buckner serve as a Major League consultant in the art of fielding?
What is so wrong with society that it can allow media moguls to reward the incompetent?
Signed,
"Clearance Sale" Darrow
P.S. Please address the Demi Moore as a major Hollywood star issue as well.
Dear Roy Bean,
______________......No half-assed queries for you, eh? Gotta strike right at the heart of the
mystery, ask all the tough questions, get behind all the closed doors, uncover
all the loose dirt, ring all the wrong bells, get trussed up and driven into
the desert by the sunglasses-and-suits crowd, confess all you know, have your
memory erased, be shot in the head anyway, doncha? You crazy kids.......The short answer: Media moguls reward the incompetent because like attracts
like. Society permits this for the same reason.......The longer answer: When the Masonic Cabal that founded the United States
(George "Magus Monkey" Washington, et al.) were casting about for a demon to
invoke and set up as the "psychic power source" of their new nation their
choices were limited to a.) those astral entities not already bound to the
fabric of a nation (e.g., Grizzindungh, five-handed cosmic groper of Italy)
and b.) those entities low-powered enough to escape the detection of John
Dee's severed head, which advises British Monarchs to this day. This left
them with some admittedly poor prospects (at one point Benjamin Franklin, with
much high-pitched and frantic giggling, suggested that Baklava the
Turkey-throated Lord of Pisspots be used), and at the eleventh hour they were
forced to simply bind the first demon to answer their quiet call. Thus it is
that Unkel Samhadhi, fifth-generation inbred loa demi-urge of Unwarranted
Self-obsession and Beef, was chanelled into the Declaration of Independence,
signed and consecrated with black blood. This posessed paper charges and
influences all that the nation is or will ever become. Why else do you think
they go to all that trouble to protect it?......By the by, Unkel Samhadi's colors are red and white; furthermore, he likes
big tits. This explains the success of both Coca-Cola and Mrs. Bruce Willis.***************
MIGHT AS WELL BE WONDERFUL
***************
AAAARGH WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Thunderwool,
How many licks does it take to get to the center of Salma Hayek?
Love, semi-carnally,Eric The Half-a-Bee
Dear Satan,
_______________......You bastard.
......Mr. Wonderful can't come to his senses right now, so if you'd like to leave a
message, just start talk-......Hello? Hello? All right, we're better now. This is almost as bad as the
first time we listened to the "Desperado" soundtrack with headphones. Fer
chrissakes, it sounds as though the woman is breathing *right in your ear*. We
couldn't wear pants for *days*.......The answer to your question is academic, as a mortal tongue would probably
burst into flame three feet from the woman. Nonetheless: it only takes one
lick to get to the center, but it has to be the right spot.***************
KEEP THEM WONDERS ROLLIN'
***************
RELATIVELY WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Dark,
......Einstein was wrong: the Einstein-Podolski-Rosen
Gedankenexperiment has within the last 15 years been physically shown to be
incorrect by Bohm.
......Win some, lose some.......Captain Illuminatus
_____________
Dear Fizzix Lad,......Can you believe that Salma Hayek question? Still can't get it out of my mind.
......Einstein, Einstein... did you know he once married Marilyn Monroe? Well, she
was just Norma Jean then, and he was arrested for it, but still. As if there
weren't already enough anecdotes to show that Einstein was the Twentieth
Century's only fun-loving German.......Okay, I promise to stop spiking Bohm's morning coffee. Geesh, you'd think
the guy could tell the difference between a solar eclipse and LSD-25 gremlins.
Sorry for the inconvenience.*********************
REST ASSURED WITH WONDERFUL
*********************
OPEN ALL WONDERFUL
************* Here are some comments and addendums from the feisty among you...
************* HAWKMAN writes in with an open letter to one of our frequent correspondents:
Dear Squirrel-grrrl
I know many people in New Hampshire would like to hunt and eat you or
************* So when you're making your travel plans... keep in mind the
perhaps mount and stuff you...however, not in a sexual way.
state with guns, license plates with the word "DIE" on them and no sales tax.************* Our Boy in NJ, JUST WONDERING, has these thoughts he'd like to share:
Evil twins, hmm. Speaking as an authority on such matters, here are some
guidelines to tell whether or not you have an evil twin.1) Strangers point and scream,"That's the one who strangled the deer with his
bare hands!"2) There's a lot of all black clothing in your size around your house.
3) Your mirror punches you in the nose
4) You bury him three times, and the bastard shows up, muddy, at your
door.5) He refers to you as the "weak one"
6) He plots to discredit you, rather than kill you outright.
7) You have severe flashes of violence while you're eating dinner.
To this end, Mr. Wonderful does not have an evil twin. He is a triplet.
************* I'm not tellin'.
Dark and Malice are his mirrors.************* Man, o man. Salma Hayek. Licking. In the same sentence. Jeez.
Keep those cards and letters coming, folks!********************
WHAT ARE YOU, WONDERFUL?
********************
SPOOKY WONDERFUL
By the way, to mr wonderful,
What scares you? Besides spiders I mean.
Just Wondering
Dear Scarecrow,
_________________......Mr. Wonderful is pretty much over his arachnaphobia. He can now look at the
ugly bastards for over a minute without dissolving into "willies". He even
watched a movie where this spider that lives *underwater* built a little
"holding tank" for its victims without covering his eyes. Talk about "Thought
It Was Safe To Go Back In The Water". Anyway.........Mr. Wonderful is scared by religious dogma, ventriloquist's dummies, loss of
control and cute little zombie children. Mr. Malice is scared of the French
language, religious zealots and losing his tax records. Mr. Dark wouldn't
tell you even if you asked nice.*******************
WONDERFUL, A QUINN MARTIN PRODUCTION
*******************
......(Tagline Courtesy HotRodGrrl, a warm spot in cyberspace. Visit her website)
CREME WONDERFILLED
dear mr w,
IS IT WISE TO EAT A TWINKIE A DAY AFTER HAVING FOUR WISDOM TEETH REMOVED?
come to think of it, is it ever wise to eat a twinkie?
(for that get-up-and-glow!)
Dear Aching,
________________......4 out of 5 dentists would recommend avoiding the entire line of deliciously
white-trash Hostess "filling" products. However, the fifth dentist is a
friend of ours and he's been to Egypt and everything, so let's listen to him.......It would be a waste to *eat* the Twinkie so soon after oral surgery (but not
after oral-- oh, never mind) as you'll be feeling so miserable that even the
legal-loophole-creating sugar rush won't help. Plus, the red of your blood
might appear unappetizing against the Ronald-McDonald yellow of the cake.......What you should do --and remember, this advice comes from a doctor-- is fill
those new holes in your jaw with Twinkie. Just pack it in. Jam that golden
confection right where your teeth used to be and leave it there.......The advantages of this are fourfold:
......1. Helps with the bleeding thing.
......2. Preservative enzymes speed up healing process, preventing necrotic jaw.
......3. Sweet goodness will flow directly into the bones of your skull, making you
chipper all day. People will tell you you look good enough to eat.......4. With any luck, you should start receiving Classic Rock stations on your
fillings; you will groove to Bob Seger 24/7.
......It is wise to eat a Twinkie when you wake up at noon and the only major
decision that faces you is whether to sit on the left or the right side of the
couch. It just makes the day perfect.***************
BAILA CON WONDERFUL
***************
THE ULTIMATE WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
......I suffer from a sometimes debilitating inferiority complex. I know that such
an affliction is not very interesting, but I pray that you hear me out
nonetheless. Of course, I would understand if you stopped reading right
now--I would, and I don't even have anything better to do.Anyway, my condition was, until recently, largely controllable through a
combination of counseling, medication, and mindless (if not entirely
unenjoyable) occupational therapy. Which reminds me, I glued some
ceramic tiles to a crappy little box for you. Don't let me forget to
give it to you.......As I was saying, my condition was controllable, but no more. Not long
ago, I stumbled across Mister Wonderful Answers All. It was then that I fully
realized just how low was my true place of residence upon the
Great Chain of Wonder. At first I mused that, because Mr. Wonderful
makes the world a more wonderful place, all who inhabit the world are
made more wonderful by the mere fact that Wonderful lives. But then I
smelled what a pile of Liebnitzian crap that was, not to mention the
fact that Voltaire knew which way the Thunder-ten-tronckh blew. That,
and Alexander Pope was His Highness' dog at Kew. You know what I mean.
So the upshot is, I made a decision...---> It is Resolved: Mr. Wonderful must die, and I must be the agent of his
wonderful demise.......You can (no doubt) follow my thinking here. If Wonderful dies, then
the distance between myself and Maximal Wonderfulness is decreased.
Therefore, by contraction, I am rendered less wonderless. Moreover, if
I myself kill Wonderful, then I am a de facto One-Upper-of-Wonderful,
the obvious consequence being that I gain a commensurate degree of
wonderfulness.......But here's the all too obvious rub: My current wonderlessness would
seem to constitute an insurmountable handicap in the face of your
unrivaled might. Not to mention the fact that you've got that damn
spear.......So here's my question: Can you tell me the best way to kill you?
The Plan should include a few key elements:
......1. It should be foolproof, for obvious reasons.
......2. Chicks should dig me because of how cool I killed Wonderful.
......3. I should not go to jail, unless I get to be King of the Cell
Block.
......4. The Plan should include a love scene, several explosions, and
action figure potential, so's I can sell the rights to the Hollywood
Fatcats.
...... 5. The Plan should include somebody coming over to my house to fix
me a can of soup. I should not have to shower before this visit.......That's it. I know you can help me. Maybe you could even get your
adoring public to submit a few suggestions as to the best means to your
end.Dear Raskolnikov,
Sincerely,
The Man Who Shot Rasputin.
___________________......Boy, do I wish I had one of those "GONE FISHIN'" signs.
......Of course, the way I'd *prefer* to go is to be trapped in the last
time-dilated moments of the "Big Crunch" and have my final thoughts form the
"Big Bang" matrix of the next universe. That would be nice.......A definite runner-up would be that "le petit mort" should turn into "le grand
mort" (preferably after a big meal, a scintillating speech where I articulate
my philosophy, and a Marx Brothers movie) between the thighs of a certain
person of Latin descent we're all familiar with.......But to kill me? That would require fortitude, patience, honor,
jurisprudence, persistence, stamina, accuracy, courage, independence, agility,
alacrity, celerity, chutzpah, certitude, intelligence, the keys to Wonderful
Labs, and above all............the Sword Aeternal, Calad Bolg, known to the sons of man as Excalibur.
......Your quest for the Sword should fulfill requirements 2 and 4. Once it is in
your posession and conforming to your Will, 1 is inevitable. 3 is not a
problem a.) because no public record of Mr. Wonderful exists and b.) even if
you do go to the hoosegow, you'll have a damn Sword. Requirement 5 is tricky,
but it is my understanding that the Lady of the Lake will do outcall if you
have a valid credit card.......I admire your reasoning, but do let's avoid any "Highlander" histrionics.
You may have a Queen soundtrack if you like, but that's it.......Anyone with any other options *is* encouraged to write in. The best plan for
my death will receive a special Wonderful prize: A visit from Mr. Dark.*********************
MOTHER OF MERCY, IS THIS THE END OF WONDERFUL?
*********************
A BAKER'S WONDERFUL
Mr. Wonderful,
Are you still good enough to eat?
Lady F
Dear Epicure,
_____________............--- WONDERFUL LABS SPECIAL REPORT ---
......It's true! Even a genius will burst into flame unexpectedly, given
sufficient stimulation. "Wow, that was different," said Mister Wonderful,
brushing extinguishing foam from the blackened remains of his lapel. "My guess
is that the aetheric vibrations of that query resonated with my mahogany brown
eyes, tickling my orgone generator and turning me into a giant superconductor
for the power of the earth's core."......Another cosmic first for Wonderful Labs!
............--- NORMAL SERVICE WILL BE RESTORED ---
......While Mr. Wonderful prefers to be drunk, he supposes he could be eaten,
still. While in his youth, he consumed a surprising amount of foods with
artificial preservatives in them, which accounts for many of his special
abilities. He'll stay fresh as a little pie for some years yet.......Applications are available from the front desk.
*********************
VATS OF WONDERFUL WINE
*********************
MAGINOT WONDER
Some Time Ago, Mr. Wonderful wrote:
"Mr. Malice is scared of the French language, religious zealots and losing his
tax records. Mr. Dark wouldn't tell you even if you asked nice."Si'il vous plait, Monsieur Dark? Dites mois ce qu'il vous fait peur...
Femme Francaise
Dear Le Temptress,
_______________......No. Mister Noir exists in a cold, hard place. He will not be plied by your
wine, your cheese, your delightful bread products, your warm smiles, your
sunny coast, your casual attitude towards nudity, your poetry, your paintings,
your palaces or your maid outfits.......He is below such things.
********************
PIERCE THE WONDERDARK
********************
AUTO-WONDER
************ Comments and contributions from our nearest and dearest...
************ DESERT RAIDER couldn't help but say this when told what Mr.
Wonderful does with Twinkies:You're a terrible, sick man Mr. Wonderful.
Cracking Toast though...
Concerned,
The Cat in "A" hat ^,,^
************ What's to be concerned about? It's kosher, no?************ Then stepping up to the plate is JUST WONDERING, a man who knows
where the capes are kept:Ahhh. The Death of Wonderful. . . . delicious.
Pardon Me for a moment whilst I slip Laibach's "Sympathy for the Devil"
into my cd player.Yeeeeesssssssss. . . . . . . . . much better.
Now then, onto how to demise the Wunderboy.
1) Maliciously - Destroy the Wonderful Archives while he watches, tied to a
chair. (oops, crashed the hard drive)2) Horrific - Spiders, spiders, and more spiders. Hairier, the better.
With slime dripping from their mandibles.3) Collaborative - Invite him to a party, talk about him in the third
person. "Forget" his name. Don't laugh at his witty references. (hint: this
will take years of conditioning)4) Tasty Fruit - Lock him in a room with a one-way mirror showing Salma,
Gillian, Emma, and Keanu Reeves playing a game of "Strip Shakespeare" (make
sure to clean all of his blood off of the glass)5) Along the same sexual lines - Inject his entire body with lidocaine,
then have Salma seduce him. The torture of not being able to feel
anything will cause him to take his own life.6) Cinematic - "Recondition" him along the lines of A Clockwork Orange.
7) Hong Kong Cinematic - Take out a contract on him with Chow-Yun Fat as the
deliveryman. (even Wonderful ain't that good)8) Hellfury - Gather all of Wonderful's ex's. Stand back.
As for asking Wonderful how best to kill Wonderful - kudos for panache,
***************** Keanu Reeves? Who's been at my scrapbook?! Why, I oughtta...
but it only makes your job harder, because he'll be on to you.***************** Also concerned with the End of Wonderful is OLD BLUE EYES,
who sends this reply:Hey Fruitcake,
......Before you get any more homicidal ideas, let me warn you that
Wonderful is under my exclusive "insurance" policy plan. That means you even
look at him funny, I'll special delivery a six-pack of whup ass right to your
front door. So ease back, sit your brandy-soaked, inedible, chock full of
green and red cherry carass down, take a Prozac the size of a Whammo Frisbee
and chase it down with a quart of Nyquil before I get really pissed off.P.S. For all you jackasses who don't know "le petit mort" is a French
***************** Violence and Vocab, what more could you ask for?
expression for an orgasm...which still doesn't explain the whole Jerry
Lewis thing.***************** And speaking of that little french death, here's, well...:
Mr. Wonderful fantasized:
......"A definite runner-up would be that "le petit mort" should turn into "le
grand mort" (preferably after a big meal, a scintillating speech where I
articulate my philosophy, and a Marx Brothers movie) between the thighs of a
certain person of Latin descent we're all familiar with."......I see you have some sort of a problem, since this sounds all too far fetched.
How about someone of French descent most are familiar with, keeping in mind
that familiarity level would skyrocket after said incident.Helpfully yours,
***************** Pepe LePeu? All right, but I'd hate to have "PERVERT TOON
*Hot* Lady Death
LOVER" on my tombstone. On second thought, no I wouldn't.
*******************
DO IT YOUR WONDER
*******************
OH MY WONDERFUL
Dear Mistuh Wonderful,
If two people are licking at the same time, how many licks does it take
to get to the center of each other? Does it depend on the people? And if they
have some strange attachment to a "Popeye's" chicken a little ways from Whittier?Just Wonderlicking.
Dear Mata Hari,
_______________......Mr. Malice here. Mr. Wonderful had to... ah, step out for some snacks. Yes.
......Let us see. That *is* an interesting question. Something one would think the
Lads and Lasses of Wonderful Labs would have researched, "pro bono", even. No
notes on the subject lying around, however. Most curious.......Well, the educated guess of a man of my years must count for something. Not
for nothing was I a blue-ribbon winner at the Dalmouth County Invitational
Tongue-Wrangling Extravaganza five years running, I assure you.......Double-licking has nothing to do with chickens. Strike that notion from your
mind. They are an effect, not a cause, of personal closeness. Mutual
Tonguing (my favorite Chinese jazz quartet) *can* speed up "finding the
center" of another, but the results are still disheartening: 10,765,216 licks
just to break the skin, and then you need someone to mop up the blood.......My advice is to stick to reading out loud to each other.
********************
WONDERFUL OWES MALICE
********************
ABREAST OF WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
Why is it that sexual innuendos are so prevalent in Western Culture? Most
likely, in Eastern Culture too, but I'm not that familiar with it. Why do we
as a people feel the need for bawdy humor and suggestive conversation? I mean,
I do it as much as anyone, I just want to know why.Just Wondering
NDear Ivor Biggun,
"I Wendy . . . I Wanda . . . I Wonder."
John Cleese
_________________......We asked Chesty Morgan, exotic dancer and adult entertainer, what she thought
of your question. When she stopped laughing, she had this to say: "Honey, you
might as well ask why there's blue sky and sunshine. It's all around, and
it'll always be around. If you're not doing it, you're thinking about it.
Might as well laugh... That'll be fifty dollars."......For a more in-depth answer, we turned to Dr. Heinrich Brevenstein of the Our
Lady Of The Aching Teats University, Linguistics department: "Sex is universal
and useful. Other than death, it's the one thing we're all tied to, given
that each of us is the product of a sweaty union between engorged,
glistening... ahhh, that is to say, it provides a common conversational ground
in a way that, say, sports, or vampires, or pinochle, cannot. That'll be
fifty dollars."......Mr. Wonderful suspects the real reason is just that we all love each other,
and don't know quite how to say it.**********************
WONDERFUL IN THE NIGHTTIME
**********************
THROBBING WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
Tell us about hangovers, will ya?
Kegger
Dear Mr. Turn-off-the-goddamn-light,
P.S. Kegger wants to know about migraine headaches, too.
_________________......Hangovers as we know them did not exist until 1933, when sore loser
Pro-Prohibition forces conspired with the Dark Elves of Dresden. Prior to this
pact, hangovers were described as "a big bowl of ice cream with some ice cream
on top and a hundred dollar bill on the side". Now that the D.E.D. stand
outside this dimension and personally urinate into every molecule of alcohol
produced, hangovers are the best way the average human being can experience
what it is like to be mule dung in the middle of the busiest street in London.......Being semi-mystical in nature (and all the more nasty for it) the new
hangovers respond to psychic factors. Specifically, the more sin staining your
soul, the more severe your hangovers. This is why "young drinkers" and nuns
are so smug about doing man-size shots of Jose til midnight then arriving at
work on time, in fresh clothes, and able to eat solid food. A few years of
listening to Rock and Roll and seeing "R" rated films and they're soon singing
different tunes.......This is also why extremely spicy "menudo" is a traditional hangover cure:
penance. Expiation of sin is much quicker than Alka-Seltzer, you'll find.......Migraine headaches are just plain bad luck. Four out of five doctors agree
that cutting your own head off is the only proven cure. The fifth doctor
muttered something about being unable to think for fear that his brains would
tumble out of his skull, then vomited orange soda into a trashcan.***********************
HANG YOUR WONDERFUL HIGH
***********************
VOCABUWONDERFUL
Hey Mr. W,
What's so special about the word "meander?"
Dear Daniel Webster,
______________......Let's see... For one thing, it can be anagrammed into several jazzy categories:
......VILLIANS
............Red Mane
............Dean REM
............Ma Ender
............Der Name
............Mean Red
............Dr. En-a-me......BANDS
............En Dream
............Damn Eer
............Em And Er......MALE BONDING
............Men Read
............Men Dare
............Dear Men......VIOLENCE
............End Ream
............
......RECOVERY
............Ear Mend......PRIVATE EYES
............Ed Ramen
............Ned Mare
............E. M. Nader
............Dan Reme......Aside from all that, the most special thing about "meander" is that if you
say it five times in front of a mirror someone will bang on the door and
shout, "What the hell you doing in there? Some of us have to go to work, y'know!"******************
SPEAK YOUR WONDERFUL
******************
WONDERFUL SMACKS
Deat Mt. Wondetful,
......Please give me a worst-case scenario
of what could happen if the large, wily bullfrog
named Bud that currently is visiting my house
were to escape from his dreary aquarium. (I need to
know what I'm getting into here).--kermit
Dear Toadlicker,
____________________......Well, the *worst* case scenario is, as always, that Wilford Brimley comes to
your house and eats all the ice cream while attempting to seduce your mother
with his falsetto rendition of "I Wanna Sex You Up". How your frog could
bring this about I have no idea, but isn't that a damn scary thought?......Bullfrogs are generally pretty sedentary, only drinking the blood of men when
the constellations are (im)properly aligned. If yours is wily, I suggest
keeping a loaded harpoon gun in the den, just in case. A wily toad is ten
times more likely to go for the Scotch, and it doesn't matter if he only wants
a sip, nobody's gonna drink out of that bottle again.......Watch out if your frog offers to rescue a golden ball for you, demands to eat
at the table, or wants to sleep in your bed. Most likely he is a cursed
prince and you don't want to deal with those asses.*****************
WISH UPON A WONDER
*****************
LONG JOHN WONDERFUL
********** It's commentary time, kids! Notes and news from the correspondents
who care the most, and this means you...********** First up, a bit of scientific integrity from BRAINBOX:
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
For starters, I finally figured out that I was pissing you off by calling you
"Dark" instead of "Wonderful". Note the above correction, and also that it
will be appended in further responses/commentaries/notes to yourself. No
insults intended.I am commenting on the following:
"--- WONDERFUL LABS SPECIAL REPORT ---
First of all, I HAVE calculated the probability of a person (geniuses
It's true! Even a genius will burst into flame unexpectedly, given sufficient
stimulation. "Wow, that was different," said Mister Wonderful, brushing
extinguishing foam from the blackened remains of his lapel. "My guess is that
the aetheric vibrations of that query resonated with my mahogany brown eyes,
tickling my orgone generator and turning me into a giant superconductor for
the power of the earth's core."
included) bursting into flames spontaneously (stimulations are irrelevant, but
if it suffices to utilize them to induce the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principal,
go for it), it is something of the order of 10E27, and considering that the
universe is only of order 10E9, we're talking the age of the universe cubed
(but it _COULD_ happen, nonetheless). I guess if one assumes that god DOES
play dice with the universe, and Einstein was wrong (which I stated in my last
email to you), then, hey what the heck?As for the orgone generator and the earth's core, give me a break! I
mean, sheesh! The next thing you'll be saying is that Salma Hayek is
the motivation for the present dynamics of the magnetic north's movement in a
southerly direction? You'd have Tesla rolling in his grave!Mr. Wonderful, be careful; remember what our good miss Troy did with the
*************** Three things: (1)Once again: Mr. Wonderful doesn't get pissed
Gods, and remember that nowadays we have Aircraft Carriers and not simple
rowboats. Sheesh --> WWIII is at hand!
off; he's a professional. (2)God actually plays Twister with the universe,
which should explain a few things. (3)Everyone knows that the magnetic north
thing is caused by Canadian moles, so lay off the Salma jokes.************** And taking up the assassination challenge is NOGOODNIK:
I just realized how to kill Mr. Wonderful.
In fact, I'm not sure I should even share it,
it's so good and so true and so simple . . .To kill Mr W,
************* Ha! I'll go underground! Wait! I'll go overground! Neon
it takes just this:
everyone on the mailing list stops reading his letters.
(*poof!*)
Billboards fifty feet high! Skywriting! You won't be able to avoid me!
SURRENDER DOROTHY!************* Bringing up old wounds and making a massive in-joke into the
bargain is our old college non-drinking buddy JUST WONDERING:......Could it be that the Wily Frog named Bud is none other than the scourge of
the Earth reincarnated, yes that's right, ROSS!?!?!Just Wondering (He was a complete BASTARD)
************* Remember: friends don't let friends keep iguanas. Not in tiny
cramped dorm rooms, they don't.****************
JUST CAUSE YOUR WONDERFUL
****************
FRIGHTFULLY WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
......Have you ever considered what would happen if you were to stick a
pyromaniac, a bully, a sadist, a pyrophobic, a brontophobic, and a
claustrophobic all into a room together? Imagine it: The sadist talks
the bully into pushing the pyromaniac around until he gets pissed off and
flames the bully, whereupon the pyrophobic starts screaming and the
brontophobic starts trying to push through the claustrophobic to escape...Can you think of a more intricately balanced set of neuroses set up
together? I bet you can! Sockit To me, WunderKind!!......Captain Illuminatus
Dear Dr. Crane,
__________________......A priest, a rabbi and a monkey walk into a whorehouse...
......Well, the question is, do I get to use props? Because then the answer is
simply to take a full-color satellite photo of the San Fernando valley, blow
it up and use it to cover the floor of a stark-white room. Then get a
homophobe and an acrophobe (of the same sex) into the room and remove their
blindfolds. Hours of amusement, let me tell you. "Hold me!" "Get *offa* me!"
"Hold me!" "Get *offa* me!"......If only inter-personal relations are allowed, a trickier web must be woven.
You'll need: an Agoraphobe who is also afraid of the dark, a man who is afraid
of lightning, a Sinophobe midget, a man who compulsively does whatever
everyone else is doing and a diabetic man who hates midgets. Put them all in a
field.......First off, the diabetic man punches the midget and knocks him out cold. At
the same time, the agoraphobe is freaking out and hits the deck, covering his
head. The man afraid of lightning realizes he's now the tallest thing around
and dives to the ground, too. The compulsive imitator does the same. All is
well until the diabetic man realizes he's forgotten his insulin. He grows
faint, then goes unconscious, collapsing. The man afraid of lightning is
pretty worried now that everyone is in the dirt, so starts to dig himself a
pit. The agoraphobe realizes this is going on, thinks it's a good idea, and
helps out. The compulsive imitator does too. They dig a hole wide enough so
that even the unconscious guys descend with them. This bothers the man afraid
of lightning, so he digs deeper. The compulsive imitator does likewise. The
agoraphobe is still uncomfortable, so he digs more. The man afraid of
lightning has to go deeper. Pretty soon the hole is so deep that you can
barely see the sky. The agoraphobe breathes a sigh of relief for about half a
second, then realizes how dark it's getting. He starts frantically tearing at
the earth, afraid to go back up and face the hideous open space, but unable to
control his need to get away. This spurs the man afraid of lightning on,
which in turn activates the compulsive imitator. Eventually they reach China
and emerge in another field. At this point, the midget will come to. When he
realizes he is surrounded by a billion Chinese, he will pass out, starting the
cycle again.......These sorts of queries should be saved in case of emergency.
******************
SPANK YOUR INNER WONDERFUL
******************
A CENTURY OF WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderhalf-empty-or-half-full?
......How will future generations view the body of work that you are
producing for public consumption in your advice column? Will they
understand the references to all these movie "stars", or will they just
look blankly at each other and go do something else? Will they giggle at the
innumerable "licking" jokes, or will they be beyond such carnal
insecurities?......Will the Reader's Encyclopedia of 2101 even LIST Mr. Wonderful? I
Dear Nostradumkopf,
mean, we're all working really hard here, we're quite the team, but will all
our strivings for fame and glory lead to naught? This could be the big break
for everybody on the list, you know -- celebrity chat-shows and whatnot--*"I
followed Mr W's advice about Twinkies," on the next Geraldo*-- Will we get
that far, even?
......
......Yours,
......Esquire D. Minoes
_________________......Rest assured, future generations will certainly enjoy Mr. Wonderful's body
(of work). Never think that pandering to the lowest common denominator
doesn't guarantee immortality. Would Shakespeare be remembered if it weren't
for the dirty jokes? I don't think so.......As to the fate of Wonderful readers and sycophants, I have some alarming news
from the Wonderful Crystal Ball Team:......Five of you will develop telepathic abilities on a cruise ship. Seven of you
will visit the moon, but will complain about the in-flight meal. One of you
will win a Nobel Prize (but I'm not telling which category). Half of you will
leave California at some point (uh, this is in no way related to the impending
coastal disasters I'm not supposed to talk about). Many of you will appear on
television disguised as hydrants. One of you will be slapped silly by your
own children. There is much fame and fortune in store for the Wonderful crew,
but also a lot of cholesterol. You will all be married to something, at least
once. This may or may not happen in Vegas. The twenty of you that have
children will be responsible for: a fast food chain, a new type of gum, a
reign of terror, two presidents, the collapse of the banking system, clean air
in Mexico City, the winning pitcher in the 2029 World Series, a lot of tears,
overpopulation and world starvation, the "Nebuchadnezzar" dance craze, and the
Museum of Fine Lint. None of you will ever be on the Geraldo show, but two of
you will produce Steve Martin Christmas Specials.......So now you know.
*******************
THE WONDERFUL OF POOH
*******************
HOLIDAY WONDERFUL
I gotta know--
Does romantic love really exist
or
should I stop fooling myself
and
get on with life?--the girl who used to live next to Lady Claudia
Dear Ms. Capulet,
__________________......You know how we've wiped out Smallpox to the point where the only known bits
of it are in glass tubes in steel rods in big rooms behind thick doors with
titanium time locks at the Center for Disease Control in South Carolina?
That's where romantic love is, too. So it *exists*, but you probably ain't
gettin' none, hun.......Don't stop fooling yourself, however! Dear me, why would you want to get on
with a life that didn't include unrealistic goals? You'd be a zombie, walking
around dead-in-life, obeying the most mundane of your desires. Blech.......Hold tight to the belief that nothing you want will ever come your way.
Then, and at the same time, still, hold tight to the belief that it's all
yours right now. The energy produced from this marvelous kierkegaardian
paradox should power your every endeavour, from now to the day they bury you,
cold and alone.****************
CYNICISM-SHMYNICISM--IT'S WONDERFUL
****************
WHITE WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
......What ever happened to Carrie Lorraine, the child actress in the great campy
classic horror film "Dolls?" I know the big dorky fat guy Ralph, the "child
at heart" was in a recent Seinfeld episode. And what about the little girl
who was in "Fatal Attraction?" She was swearing at age four in the film.Love, Cassandra
Dear Mrs. Ebert,
_________________......What, you mafia guys think you can get around the Witness Protection Program
that easily? Marilyn vos Savant might fall for that crap, but I ain't having
none, sparky. Get out and do your own damn legwork.......A lot of child actors are put into the Program, turning evidence against
directors for their "crimes against humanity." Federal prosecutors wanted to
go after John Hughes when "Home Alone" came out, but the Culkins were too
scared to turn rat (or "eat cheese" as the phrase has it). They could see
what had happened to Anthony Michael Hall. Eeeeesh.
*******************
YOU WONDERFUL MY WIFE?
*******************
SILENT WONDERFUL
Dear Mr Wonderful,
......My wife is the most beautiful creature in the world. She is
slender and pale, with eyes that are startlingly blue and long dark hair that
you could get lost in if you look too long. Her skin is as soft as a
rose-petal against your cheek, and her movements put the gentle waving of
willow-branches to shame. In her quiet moments she puts me on mind of a deep
pool of water that the sunlight has hit at just the right angle so that all
you can see is its golden, rippled surface; but when she is passionate about
something she becomes a magnificent tropical bird whose brilliantly-colored
wings beat the air and whose cries make your soul hold its breath.......Are you jealous?
......Signed,
Dear Chin-dipper,
......George Clooney,
......(still the sexiest man alive!)
______________......Jealous? Let me just put on my kilt here... there, that's a bit more comfortable.
......Well, certainly I'm jealous of *her*, having a spouse with such a fine career
in advertising ahead. Plus, you'll make the best pimp a girl could hope for.......Mr. Wonderful had his sexual jealousy dislodged in an accident some years
ago. The sherpas that nursed him back to health said that he would be better
off without it and we've never had cause to think otherwise.*****************
JUDGE, JURY AND WONDERFUL
*****************
SEASON'S WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
......I was wondering: firstly, am I the ONLY person I know who wants to
own a glow-in-the-dark poster of Madame Marie Curie; regardless of whether I
am alone on that one, WHERE do I get one?......Captain Illuminatus
Dear Radium Rebel,
________________......A brief survey reveals that yes, you are the only person you know who wants a
poster like that. Most of us are looking for the scratch-and-sniff "Gypsy
inna bakery" wall hangings. There *is* an international cabal of industrial
terrorists/porn stars who want to own your poster, but you don't know any of them.......Obviously, any actual photo of Madame Curie is going to glow at least a bit.
The real coup will be for the team that raids her tomb -- that
"glow-in-the-dark skeleton you can read by" is going to be a hot item at Sotheby's.......If you're looking for something a little less authentic, try one of those
trendy physics hipster shops that seem to be springing up all over. You know,
"FIZZIX FAKTORY" or "KWANTUM" or "BOYLE'S THIRD BONG" or "SHREDDER'S KAT" or
"GRAND UNIFIED PANTS" or "BLACK HOLIO". All the kids who are bored with the
empty pleasures of skating and drugs and death rock and raves and tattoos and
blood sacrifice and heavy metal and big hats and canned beer and the Celestine
Prophecy are finding themselves drawn to the alternative lifestyle that
contemporary physics offers. Depth and meaning AND iconoclasm, all for the
price of a t-shirt (featuring Stephen Hawking and bearing the legend "Play
dice with *these*", no doubt). Anyway, a place like that might have something
like what you seek.......Or you could do one yourself by breaking open a Cylume Glo-stick and getting
a brush. Who's really gonna know the difference?*****************
SLURP UP THE WONDERFUL
*****************
HOME-COOKED WONDERFUL
Sehr geehrter Herr Wundervoll,
......Have you ever made the pilgrimage to the corporate center/mecca that
we all know and love? I'm speaking of course of Taco Bell Hdqs. in Irvine,
CA. If so, how does this building fit in with your plans for world
domination? (Please, 100 words or less.)......Doktor Strangelove
Dear Nacho und Hund,
_______________......I myself have never made the crawl-on-your-knees to the Border, but I am a
close personal friend of the mad genius who invented the dashboard device that
gives you the directions and distance to the nearest Taco Bell (also creator
of Tard-Pool Ridesharing (tm) (don't ask) and "F*CK EL NINO" t-shirts
(actually they don't say "F*CK", they say "FUCK")) so I feel good about myself.......Were I to dominate the world (and I'm not saying that I would), I would of
course need the power of the Aztec pyramids. To that end, I would lull
Americans... but I seem to be out of words. Sorry.*****************
FOOD FOR WONDER
*****************
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Wisdom and Wit © 1997 Mark Anthony Masterson. Thank you to all the querents (Especially Matt and Tekurah, who played along first), long may your lights blink mercilessly.
