Tue, 11 Feb 1997Please send your queries c/o misterdark@mail.geocities.com
ASK MR. WONDERFUL
*******EXAMPLE*******EXAMPLE*******EXAMPLE******EXAMPLE***************Dear Mr. Wonderful,
I am a 20 year-old male who just saw that episode of Chicago Hope with Isabella Rosellini and I am wondering why my head has melted into my chest cavity. It shouldn't be too much of a problem at work, but I'm wondering how I'll explain it to my girlfriend. Also, how do they cram all that in a gram?
Strapped in Oxnard
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Dear Strapped,
Your problem stems from the fact that Ms. Rosellini is the product of icy Swedish genes and spicy Italian hormones. The result: a steam-powered beauty with pnuematic swivel hips and enough charm to stun a bear. It's not your fault that your skull couldn't withstand the pressure. Most American men are taught that Michelle Pfeiffer is the pinnacle of pretty; there's no way you could have known. My advice to you is to tie a balloon to your neck stump and draw a big smile on it. If your girl can tell the difference, I'll be mighty surprised. And if one more bozo comes at me with the gram question I'm taking a hostage.
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It's easy! It's fun! Mr. Wonderful knows all! Mr. Wonderful sees all! Mr. Wonderful is avoiding writing important things and needs your distractions!
Write to Mr. Wonderful today! He can answer anything!
MR. WONDERFUL'S STAR WHORES
*******ACTUAL QUERY******ACTUAL QUERY*********ACTUAL QUERY**********Dear Mister Wonderful,
How does James Earl Jones feel about not getting listed anywhere in the credits of the original release of Star Wars? I have found out that he only did two hours of work and got paid $7000 for doing Darth, and maybe at the time he was just considered as a bit actor. But how does he feel about it? Got any friends who have connections to the inside story? Yippe kayyeah, mama jama.
Signed,
A New Hope
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Dear Hope,Many are the legends and mysteries surrounding that cultural touchstone of late 20th century America, Star Wars. For example, many people know that Anthony Daniels was not the first choice to play C3PO, and that George Lucas was looking for a more "American used-car salesman" type. What many people do not know is that luckily, the plucky British Daniels had the photos of Lucas and Ron "Opie Cunningham" Howard to use as leverage. Likewise, many people believe that Peter Mayhew was merely an overgrown English freak before donning the furry Wookie encumbrage of Chewbacca. Actually, Peter Mayhew is the *same* dwarfish actor that played inside the R2-D2 can. Faced with budget restrictions, Lucas simply decided to stretch the diminutive thespian on a rack until he fit the outfit.
As to the question of James Earl Jones, it should be noted that David Prowse (the man inside the Vader mask) is actually a very tall and powerful man who lifts weights to this day and he really doesn't need the Force to crush people's throats, so let's all give him a big Hollywood smile for being the "Real Darth Vader". What you say is true, however. Mr. Jones did a day's work and recieved a day's wages for scaring the bejesus out of us as the voice of the Dark Lord of Sith. What few know, however, is that James Earl specifically requested that his name be left off the credits. At the time he was running guns to the Bahamas, leftover militant activism from his days with the Black Panthers, and he only used the Star Wars money as a way to purchase more Irish Landmines. The unexpected success of Star Wars forced him to give up his smuggling and violence, but he is still a wanted man in several nations, which is why his name does not appear in the credits of *any* of his films.
ASK MR. WONDERFUL...GET THE GOODS!
MR. WONDERFUL IN LOVE
Venus, thy name is Salma.
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
I am an up and coming intellectual advice columnist who has just had every bone in his body turned to warm Jell-o by the appearance of a brown-haired, brown-eyed Mexican lady from Quetzacoatl. I cannot operate simple machines or remember what day it is. She is pure sex. Although I thought ahead, it seems her charm has melted my dark sunglasses permanently to my face. Where might I find a cheap exo-skeleton, or failing that, a videotaped copy of the show that did me in? I am a quivering thing, that knows not the joy of life.
Signed,
Mr. Wonderful
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Dear Wonderful,You and me both, buddy.
*****MR WONDERFUL APOLOGIZES FOR OUR APPEARANCE DURING REMODELING***** Happy Valentine's Day!
MR. WONDERFULAPALOOZA
Dear Mr. Wonderful:Last night I met a rock star. Well, he's not really a rock star, he's the drummer of a band with one album and one hit song. Well, I didn't really _meet_ him, either. I saw him after the show and shook his hand and told him how much I liked the show. No names or phone numbers were exchanged.
Should I have given him my phone number, or invited him for coffee, or asked him to be my Valentine? Or, can I try to maintain good karma and psychically will another meeting? He had a really great handshake...
Stupid Cupid
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Dear Cupid,Obviously you know the dangers of getting involved with a celebrity. They're always touring, have the pressure of the public eye on them, constantly being tempted by other groupies, paying the drug debt, artistic temperment flare-ups, all of that. I suggest you watch Oliver Stone's "The Doors" before you next think about approaching a rock&roller for romance. That being said, however, the man you are interested in here is a *drummer*, which changes things considerably.
In a rock&roll context, the only band member more geeky and straightlaced than the drummer is the keyboardist. Neither of these two has the mobility or flair to become a dynamic frontman. Resorting to such outlandish gimmicks as the strap-on keyboard or the floating drumset only heightens their freakishness (rather like a pocket protector with running lights). Of course many will point to Phil Collins or Elton John as counter-examples, but I will merely stare at them evenly until they admit that those two are no more than balding english tea sippers, no matter how much they prance about. The drummer does not do drugs. The drummer never gets any chicks. The drummer is paid last and is under the constant threat of being replaced with a beat machine. Mickey Dolenz was the drummer. Bill Gates was a drummer. Max Weinberg is the drummer. Need I say more? The point is that if you are interested in a drummer, be sure it is because of his teeth and hair, not his career.
With a drummer, one is safe. Almost any activity is permissible. In your case, it probably would have been best to ask him out for a soda right then. The phone number or valentine offer would have just frightened him out of his little drummer mind. His ilk simply aren't used to the attention. You have to calm them and assuage their fear. Lead them down the primrose path of liquid refreshment, then jump them in the alley of love. They'll thank you for it later.
Using your psychic powers to gain romance is never advised, Akira. Simply spend your sixteen bucks and see the next show.
MR. WONDERFUL ROCKS ON!
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Wisdom and Wit © 1997 Mark Anthony Masterson. Thank you to all the querents (Especially Matt and Tekurah, who played along first), long may your lights blink mercilessly.
