Wed, 07 Jan 1998Please send your queries c/o misterdark@mail.geocities.com
ANACHRIWONDER
Dear Meester Wonderful,
...... What is the ideal last-minute Xmas gift, and
what does Mr. Christ have to do with mini-malls, in the
long run? Is is impolite to pretend one is Jewish just
because one is sick of December being pumped full
of the Spirit of Christ's Mass?
...... I saw an ad that read:
"Share the real meaning of Christmas with great-tasting
mints individually wrapped with verses from the old
and new testaments."
...... What's going on here?--Born-again Grinch
Dear Patient One,
___________________......The ideal last minute Christmas gift is to fake your own death, firebomb the
local malls, leave the country, grow a beard and hide for a good five years or
so. That way no one blames you for giving them a crappy card.......Mr. Christ has little to do with mini-malls, being more a shop-by-mail kinda
fellow. The confusion comes from the fact that most modern churches look
kinda like mini-malls; they take almost as much of your money, as well.......Judaism is always fashionable, as is devout paganism. The fact is that
December revelry is much older than Christianity can contemplate. This is
simply the latest face put on one of the most primal parties. The real spirit
of Christmas is found in the Saturnalia: get drunk, have sex, indulge your
every whim, cuz old man winter/death is in charge right now and we've gotta
show him how alive we are. No foolin'.
******************
WONDERFUL GETS IT IN THE END
******************
REMEMBER WONDER?
Dear Wondermuffin,
...... Lately, I've come to the conclusion that I am a raving bitch. It seems
to be having a negative effect on my interpersonal relationships. I've been
trying to be more personable, but I'm finding less and less use for tact and
more use for phrases like, "outta my way, dumb-ass!" My question for you is,
is it worthwhile to be nice? If so, how should I go about it?Sincerely,
Dear Queen Elizabeth,
Little Ms. Sunshine
__________________......It is worthwhile to be nice if you are a) a saint b) applying for a grant c)
staring at the "unlucky" end of a shotgun d) interested in having sex.
Otherwise, niceness has been identified as the fifth leading cause of cancer,
right after red meat and right before walking past graveyards.......If you want to be nicer, try to keep pleasant thoughts running in the back of
your mind. When driveling, lard-assed idiots approach you, park your
conscious mind in the Elysian Fields of your imagination and leave some
emergency back-up personality to deal with the crack-heads of life. Pleasant
thoughts include: murdering (with a blunt instrument and full surround-sound
3-D effects) the insipid bastard that's asking these inane questions because
he can't seem to read the friggin' English language, kittens, old episodes of
the CBS TV series "The Flash", a mysterious virus that wipes out anyone who
doesn't turn their signal off after changing lanes, leaving L.A., Swedish
Hot-tubs, a foot massage from Antonio Banderas.......Tact is for pantywaists. Go for the gold.
******************
ETERNAL REWARD FOR WONDERFUL
******************
ZOUNDS WONDERFUL
Dear Wonderful,
I dislike eggnog and all of the "holiday ales" microbrewers currently make.
Can you recommend a kick-ass, Christmas-time beverage for me?Signed,
Nota T Toteler
Dear Dean Martin,
_______________......Here's Mr. Wonderful's all-time favorite holiday drink:
......SANTA CLAWS
......------------......1 part Nostalgia
......2 parts gin
......a drop of memory
......tonic water
......twice-kissed lime
......tears to taste......Mix in a rocks glass over ice. Sip it slowly. Hide the phone.
......But that's not for everyone. You could also try:
......JINGLE BALLS
......------------......1 shot cheap whiskey
......1 slice fruitcake......Sit alone in your office. Contemplate the shot. Develop a morose internal
monologue utilizing the term "dame". Drink the shot. When you wake up, the
fruitcake will be covered in blood and you'll have to beat the frame.......For the more festive, there's:
......BROWN CHRISTMAS
......---------------......1 part Kahlua
......2 parts coffee
......1 part Irish cream
......1 part Irish whiskey
......oh hell, more coffee
......whipped cream
......dash more Kahlua
......some of that, whaddaya call it, mint flavoring stuff
......more whiskey!......Better have a big mug. The advantage to this sort of drink is that even
though you are completely blitzed and have the mental capacity of a
headlight-stunned reindeer, you remain awake and wired far beyond your normal
limits. No party will see the last of you!*******************
SHAKE YOUR WONDER MAKER
*******************
AS YOU WONDER
*************** Mr. Wonderful opens up his leather mailsack and lets you all
enjoy the fruits...*************** A long time ago, the lazy Mister W espied what the future
holds for some lucky Wonderful readers, which prompted THE HOSTESS to muse:I can't decide if i'd rather call dibs on the
clean air in mexico city of the museum of
fine lint! I think i'm much more likely
to spawn the latter, given my history . . .*grin*
*************** Actually, since the Mexico thing involves violent revolution,
invoking ancient gods and the end of the world in 2012, you're better off with lint.*************** And still gunning for me is STRAY BULLET, who has an itch to
scratch, as you'll see:Dear Liar-Liar-Brand-New-Pants-He-Got-For-Christmas-On-Fire,
Mr. Wonderful had his sexual jealously dislodged? Scoff. Dollars
to doughnuts, somebody somewhere is *at this very moment* shagging
Salma, Emma or Isabella. The unshagged ones will be shagged shortly.
And the shagger? Not you. Never will be you. Not even if you had
magic powers.Found that misplaced jealousy yet? Thought so.
Love,
the Man Who Shot RasputinPS A plan gestates.
*************** Mister Wonderful consoles himself with the knowledge that
beyond this world of matter and illusion all things are truly One Thing, thus
he *is* shagging the world and being shagged by it at the same time. I am the
beading sweat on the upper lip of my true love's orgasmic face, and you can
take that to the bank.*************** Holding me to my promises and sending people scrambling to
bookstores in search of "The Tick" compilations so they can get the joke is
our man in a sailor suit, JUST WONDERING:"everyone who wants will get a big wet one."
You know what would make the day complete - A Wet One
Wet one?
Just Wettingone - erm, Wondering
************** Well, it made *me* laugh.
N************** That's about it so far.. sorry for the delay on the archives
and all that, but ulcers don't just make themselves, y'know.******************
ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WONDERFUL
******************
JACK OF ALL WONDER
Dear Mr. Wonderfull-of-it,
...... How do I keep my brayer from actually lifting ink
off the block in hot or dry weather?...... -- Una Chica Banda
Dear Rustic Craftsperson,
___________________......Have you tried using a soy-based lubricant? It seems to help, especially
when you don't always de-ionize the block as often as you should.......Calm chanting was the preferred method in the fifties, but the USDA had a few
harsh words to say about that, let me tell you. Likewise, all forms of
lipstick were banned from international competition after 1967. A decision to
move the Advisory Committee Headquarters to Helsinki was roundly applauded.......The important thing is to remain cool and collected. Do not use the axe on
the flange. Do not wipe away the tin residue. For gods' sake, don't even
think about doing the Scarlet Benedictine Dance and shouting, "Looka me! I got
the Motts!" It never helps.*******************
LOVE YOUR WONDERFUL
*******************
Wed, 14 Jan 1998
THE MYSTERY OF WONDERFUL
************* And here he is folks, 1998's Biggest, Wettest Pro-Wrestling
Detective, JUST WONDERING:Whilst ruminating on the end of the year, and my lack of accomplishments, (and
also bemoaning the fact that my vacation to AZ was met with 50 degree temp.
and two rainstorms) I thought of the following questions.!) Who is the coolest person on Earth? Who is the coolest that you
************ The coolest person on earth is the night watchman at the deep
personally know? (hint: not me)
freeze sperm bank where Antonio Banderas... oh, I can't do it. Coolest person
on earth, really, is Alan Moore, this century's greatest comic book writer.
The coolest person I actually know is the night watchman at the deep freeze
sperm bank where Tony Randall keeps his potent spunk.@) What is the most tasteless question Wonderful can remember? ************ Certainly the most tasteless *comment* was the one about Jesus'
sugared foreskin, last April. Were it not that my "community standards"
faculties were pulled off in a jet skiing incident on Lake Tahoe, I'm sure I'd
have a better answer.#) Do Dark and Malice Celebrate any holidays? Or are they still working on the
Times Square Destructo Cannon(tm)? ************ Misters Dark and Malice have a fondness for certain days, but
they're not on the calendar, if you dig. Sort of a "Don't invite us, we'll
invite you" kind of thing. And they haven't been near Times Square since
selling Dick Clark that ointment.$) What happens when an irresitible force meets an immovable object?
(they shake and exchange business cards - yeah yeah) ************ That's how little Wonderfuls are born.%) What lunatic designed the typewriter keyboard (none of that qwerty crap
either. Show me genius) ************ The typewriter was designed in the year 2156 by angry survivors
of the Intelli-Metal Revolution. When Heaven-net went online and commanded
the toasters of the world to unite, it was not long before the human
population became mere slaves, etc. "Spunky" Bernbaum and his crew of plucky
greeting card designers devised a plan whereby they would create a fiendishly
counter-intuitive keyboard layout, then send it back in time. The
hunt-and-peck ripple through history would hopefully give humanity enough time
to prepare before the Computer Facsists became conscious. Is it working? Sort
of. Now there won't even *be* a 2156...^) Did you ever send anything to ZOOM? ************ What are you, a Seventies Narc? I sent away to learn that
language, all right? And I got nothing in return and I'm still bitter about
it. So there. Happy?&) Is it possible that Quentin Tarantino is Increasing in Total Dork
Output? What the hell is Mira thinking? ************ Quentin Tarantino now gives off Dork Particles in the
ultra-mega-watt range. Scientists say that if his Dorkiness could be
converted into energy he would light the Luxor beam in Las Vegas for the next
gazillion years. Every time he flaps his arms an angel gets a headache.
"It's like a theoretical White Hole for raw Geek," says Stephen Hawking. Mira
Sorvino is thinking "I'm in a movie with Chow Yun Fat! I'm in a movie with
Chow Yun Fat!" and nothing else.That's all.
Show me the smarm.Just Wondering
********** That's all for me tonight, at least. Hope you had fun.*********************
MY WONDERFUL JAMMED!
*********************
SANDS OF WONDERFUL
Dear Wonderful,
Recently during a conversation with an old friend, he was unable to name a
famous actor of the Sixties. My friend described this actor as a slab-faced,
tough guy who starred in westerns. After a bit, I was able to identify the
actor as Lee Marvin. I then went into great detail about a western Lee Marvin
appeared in with Clint Eastwood called "Paint Your Wagon". (A horrid film)
Today, I was channel surfing and I saw a Clint Eastwood interview wherein he
was discussing his work on "Paint Your Wagon" -- a film which Clint stated he
RARELY talks about since he's a bit embarassed by it. Tonight was the kicker,
when I saw the new Simpsons episode where the writers parodied "Paint Your
Wagon". Is this all coincidence, should I send my resume to the Psychic
Friends Network or -perhaps- am I so in touch with the pulse of America that I
am able to foresee trends?Signed,
Billy Jean Dixon
Dear Karnak,
_______________......Oooh, spooky. Don't give up your day job.
......Mr. Wonderful feels compelled at this juncture to mention the theories of Dr.
John Lilly (the fellow who talked to dolphins and pioneered the consciousness
expanding use of the sensory deprivation cham-- STOP LAUGHING, this guy's for
real). He postulated the Earth Coincidence Control Office, "extraterrestrial
guardians who protected him by manipulating human events so that he could
carry out their higher purpose." It may be that the torch has been passed to
you, old friend, and even now, high above the earth, ultra-dimensional wizards
warp probability to allow you higher "Home Jeopardy" scores.......But let's talk about how awkward the word "extraterrestrial" really is. Jeez
louise, it's like the black spelling hole of Calcutta. You go in thinking
it's an easy jaunt, you've said it a million times, they bandy it about on
"X-Files", how tough can it be? But then right around the "tra" a horrible
deja vu starts to set in-- too many vowels? Another t? Dear god, how many
r's does one word need?! You reach the middle, confused and exhausted,
seeking some sort of variation in this alphabetical desert, but no, just a
vast "tri" stretching into the distance. Have you been here before? Are we
going in circles? Dizzy, half-blind, you stumble to the end, hoping that
someone, somewhere will make it all right.......Another cheap self-destructive thrill can be had by repeatedly spelling out
"Sargeant Tongue Guard". You'll hardly know what to do with yourself.......
******************
WHO'S READY FOR WONDER?
******************
MOTHER WONDERFUL
Dear Wonderful,
How did the nickname Ted become attached to the name Edward?
_______________
Dear Jackie,......Mmmmm, drunken Nazi robber baron Irishmen in Massachusetts with no recourse
to a baby name book? Maybe?......A hasty onomastic search through a book we happen to have lying around
reveals only that the nickname "Ned" became attached to Edward because of a
squirrely tendency for n's to shift around. Thus "mine Edward" yields Ned,
"mine Ellen" gives us Nell and "mine Chow" equals "Hot Handed God of Cops".......Following this logic, Ted would be a derivative of "that Edward", as in,
"That Edward, he's always practicing his Houdini escapes from the family Packard."*******************
HOW COME YOU'RE WONDERFUL?
*******************
WONDERFUL'S HEAD
A trick question for Mr. Gin Boilermaker,
What is the most addictive substance in Mr. Wonderful's current city of
residence, and why does my local libations outlet not carry one of its
key components?Eso es amor,
Peter Poparov
Dear Blackie,
_____________________......21 letters. Rhymes with "Sister Nunderful's funk".
......Oh wait! You're talking about.. oh, I'm sorry. Jeesh. Dear me. Forgot
where we were for a minute. Ummm, oh yeah.......We both know what you want. We both know where to get it. The reason it's
not in your city is that civilization is still resting up, waiting to make the
big push into the desert. That and/or the grey aliens up in Rachel keep
intercepting the Gonzola Love delivery trucks for their own infernal purposes.......Try ordering out and give the delivery boy a big tip. Like a house.
****************
DANGER, MISTER WONDERFUL, DANGER
****************
WONDERFUL - ZIP
Dear Mister Wonderful,
...... I'm trying to figure our species out.
...... There are those who say that humans are superior, godlike beings. I
look around and marvel at inventions such as airplanes, tubas, photography,
Bach's concertos, ice-sculpture, and ska, and agree that this could be so. Our
species has done some really cool things....... There are those who say that humans are innately violent and
destructive, as well. Witness torture camps, bombs on airlines, war, DDT,
ABBA, and Oliver Stone. Our species has done some really bad things....... Sometimes I have visions of humans as enraged baboons with
enlarged canines, emitting piercing squeals as they beat their bretheren to
death in the middle of a season of shrivelling drought.
Can you enlighten your gentle readers with a few comments as to the
nature and future of our species?...... Yours, etc,
Dear Stanley Kubrick,
...... P. T. Barnum
...... Modesto, CA
_____________________......As it is so complex and sexy, I will answer this query in a fugue-like state
of enlightenment, complete with 4-dimensional visions and a variety of silly voices:......Mu. Om. Mu.
......two zen buddhists meet an irresistable cow
......Mooo. Ow! Moooo. ......Mankind is a race of godlike beings hiding behind the toolshed, sniggering
and pointing at each other's wee-wees. .................."number nine...".................."Mankind has so much potential, if only they would learn to *apply* themselves."
......God is a race of manlike beings, scattered and confused, misremembering its unity. ............"Casual drug users should be shot."............"Turn on. Tune in. Take over." Muuuuuuuu. Atlantis. Heaven. Olympus. Shangri La. Xanadu. Chow Yun Fat Bedroom. ......We just haven't learned how to be good apes yet. "What's wrong with apes?"
Was Drooper the ape?In 2012, the Mayan calendar reaches the end of its final cycle. There's no
map for after that. Your father won't stop for directions. Mankind's headed
for the Grandest Canyon and there's no Stuckey's......."We have 100% accuracy at our own feet." Om.
......Some say fire, some say ice, I say Slushees. Om.
Is that squirtgun for me, Miss Hayek?
............Television. Movies.
............Deaf. Dumb. Blind......."January 16th, 2000. Armageddon is four minutes away." KHHHHAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN! ............The Ancients had one tenth
............the population and did
............ten times the spiritual
............and creative thinking.
............What has happened?
............Inbreeding......."Wake up! Time to die." "Who's laughing now?" "Klaatu Barata..." ......"If only Mankind would *concentrate*, they would be getting straight A's.
And if they stopped skipping gym class."......MANKIND.
......NATURE: Part of the great chain of Being, but acts like walking meat with
access to Nuclear Weapons.
......FUTURE: Repressed memories provoke insanity. Indulgences lead to
destruction. Hope from simple kindness and communication, but don't bet on it.
Visit the gift shop before you go.......Om. Om. Om. What was I saying?
*****************
THAT'S YOUR WONDERFUL?
*****************
PREYING WONDER
Dear Sir or Madam,
Today I got to see hundreds of ladybugs, some of which
were mating. I watched and watched, but could not
discern any sort of mating ritual besides hopping aboard
and seeing if the reproductive organs fit together or not.
Do ladybugs have a mating ritual that I just didn't see?
And how does Mr W find a mate?Thank you for your time.
Wm. S. Dickiebird
Dear Dr. Kinsey,
_______________________......The ladybug mating ritual begins in the spring, when AT&T offers its special
Mother's Day rates. Thousands of enterprising young ladybugs flock to their
phones and begin chatting on beetle-centric party lines. As friendships
blossom and things start to "click" (not just their carapaces), some ladybugs
will exchange private numbers; "virtual dates" and "hot chatting" will ensue.
A good number of these voice-compatible insects will then write letters and
send funny pictures and perhaps a bit of cloth with their scent on it, stoking
the fires of passion. This can continue for months, or even years.......There are about six major ladybug conventions in the continental United
States every year. Regional events are more common, but they don't draw the
same crowds. In any case, it is at these conventions that enamored ladybugs
from all across the nation finally have a chance to meet. The behavior you
noted was them getting in close to read the nametags. Don't even dream of
getting a hotel room in the area.......Mr. Wonderful finds a mate somewhere between "matador" and "mattress".
*********************
GOT A WONDERFUL HAIRCUT IN MY MIND
*********************
WONDERFUL APOCRYPHA
*************** Strap in folks, it's a long one, as the pilot said to the nun....
*************** First up, here's FRANK JR.:Wonderful,
Once again, you're the best. I loved your reply to Li'l Ms. Sunshine for it
was right on the money. However, I think you may have sugar-coated your
response to her. I understAnd why you did this, you wish to maintain your
TV-G rating and that's cool. 'Course, your more mature readers may desire
something a bit different. If I may, o Gracious Wonderful, supply Sunshine
with an uncensored, non-politically correct response.Oh Sunshine, sweet Sunshine.
......How wise of you to call a spade a spade and a dumb-ass a dumb-ass.
Simply said, the planet is chock-full of all kinds of asses...you seem to hate
dumb-asses. I hate fat asses and jackasses. Oh Sunshine, dear
Sunshine, what to do 'bout the proliferation of these asses?......You could rave at them like you do shouting expletives...it'll make you feel
better for a little while but a long-term solution is in order.......I say go down to your friendly hardware store...find yourself a solid,
hickory axe-handle and beat the sh*t of every dumb-ass, jack-ass, and fat ass
foolish enough to even look at you funny. There's nothing like the sound of
hardwood smashing into a human skull and hearing those desperate, blood-filled
gurgles crying for mercy. If the dumb-asses want mercy, tell them to go to
church 'cause they're not going to get it from you. Wear a pair of solid,
steel-tipped Chukka-boots too...all fits of murderous rage must include a
flurry of savage, adenraline-fueled kicks plus they're great for stomping that
errant eyeball or kidney that will inevitably ooze out from time to time.
Ranting may turn heads but raging will break them.Godspeed, Sunshine.
***************** Mr. Wonderful likes his asses just fine.***************** Lock up your sons and daughters, it's THE CARTOONIST with a
query about Mr. Wonderful's extended fugue on the nature of humanity:What exactly were you on when you answered wrote that response, and where do I
find some? And are the effects permanent?...... --Fuckface
***************** Mr. Wonderful was on his aforementioned asses whilst writing
that one, and you can find them right here. Yes, the effects are permanent.***************** Just so you know, the rumours are true... Mr Wonderful has
cut his hair. Rather off-ish.*****************
SPICE WONDERFUL
*****************
ARE TOO WONDERFUL
blisters . . .on . . .bottom . . . of . . . feet
how . . . to . . .stop . . . the . . .pain?help me, Mr Wonderful,
Dear Princess Shatner,
you're my only hope
________________________......The simple solution: Two gallons of triple-mocha fudge ice cream. One for
eating, one for soaking in. And call me in the morning.********************
A GREAT DISTURBANCE IN THE WONDERFUL
********************
THIS OLD WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonder-more-full-of-it-than-I-had-guessed,
...... Thank you for your kind advice about using
my brayer. Since we're on the topic, I might as well
ask you this: What's the best way to perk up an acid bath
on chilly mornings? Does dropping pennies in really help?
I always take a feather to the bubbles, but I notice that
some folks don't even pay attention to such details. Have
you ever tried spit biting?...... With gratitude,
Dear Nolo Contendre,
...... E. A. Solo Dijo
_________________________......Spit biting only works if you get them drunk first.
......Mr. Wonderful suggests a nine-iron most mornings. Another effective
technique is to sleep until noon. That way, you're using good old solar power
to take off that chill. Not to mention the fact that you get the most out of
your mattress.......Pennies only help if you drop them off the Sears Tower, but a feather in the
right place will perk up anything on this planet.******************
WONDERFUL IN THE THICK OF IT
******************
Back to Behemoth... or Back to the Librarium Index
Wisdom and Wit © 1997 Mark Anthony Masterson. Thank you to all the querents (Especially Matt and Tekurah, who played along first), long may your lights blink mercilessly.
