Wed, 02 Jul 1997Please send your queries c/o misterdark@mail.geocities.com
WONDERFUL REBOUNDS
********** Slow months gather no moss, or so they say...
********** In response to the request for a place with dry heat and plenny o' cactus:To the big blue pastry creature I suggest Windy Acres Arizona. It has all of the afore mentioned splendors, a strip club, and several trailers decorated in the "Deliverence Motif".
The Brew Foo
********* Mr. Wonderful suggests that anyone thinking of living in Arizona first check their family tree for any resemblance to "creatures of prey" e.g., deer, woodchuck, volkswagen. Wouldn't want any accidents.
********* And continuing our mourning of Dead Celebs:
Hey Fishboy,
Today a truly great man has passed...a tough man...a rugged man...a man of honor...not a man of true grit...bu indeed this man WORKED with that man of true grit...yes, I speak of Robert Mitchum. One of Hollywood's legendary leading men, Robert Mitchum showed great range as a tough guy in Westerns, to a tough guy in Mysteries, to a tough guy on an episode of Saturday Night Live. He was a big star...it was the picture that got small. He drank heavily, he ate red meat sprinkled with MSG, he smoked 8 packs a cigarettes a day...he had a third grade education and had to have special tutors flown in from Washington think-tanks to help him learn his lines phonetically. But damn it he was a MAN. An American MAN. He wasn't some seal-kissing, clam-screwing, "let's surrender to anything remotely Teutonic" ichthyologist wearing some stinky old knit cap. It is a with a heavy heart that I bid farewell to the great Robert Mitchum...we hardly knew ye. ********* Mr. Wonderful has "AMBIVALENCE" tattooed across his knuckles.**************
A WONDERFUL CASE FOR THE BOOKS
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WONDERFUL REBUFFS
********No rest for the wicked...
********FILM FAN writes:Howdy neighbor,
I'm sure that Mr Wonderful, like any sensible person, is familiar if not obsessed with that marvelous movie, The Usual Suspects. I'm happy to report to you and all your fans that the actor who played Kobayashi is in a film that i just saw in the theater last night, called Brassed Off. Kobayashi playes the director of a brass band in a coal mining town in England, and does rather good job of it, too. I quite enjoyed the film, once i got over my amazement at seeing such a well known and distinctive arch-criminal's assistant acting as an ordinary civilian. Just thought you should know, that is, if you didn't already (being wonderful and all)
Phyllis
*********** The actor in question is named Pete Postelthwaite when he's not manipulating nations at the behest of arch-criminals. I myself first encountered him as a kindly old man in "In The Name of The Father" and so was quite shocked to hear the cold-blooded accent of Mr. Kobayashi. He's also the magical-old-sea-captain-with-a-secret in "James and the Giant Peach" which is a role Mr. Wonderful doesn't get to play enough.
*********** FLIM FLAM points out:"AMBIVALENCE" has 11 letters, you six fingered freak. *********** The tattoo not actually across the knuckles. I don't like to brag.
*********** And finally, FILM FLAME mourns:Alas, Jimmy Stewart has passed away as well. Celebs die in threes have you noticed? Any way, to mourn this WOnderFul man, the missus and I plan to drink until we see Six foot tall rabbits. Care to join?
Just Wondering
*********** I can think of no better way to send off the soul of a published poet than great big buckets of rum and whiskey all 'round. In fact, that's how you should greet poets, too. Or better yet, just mail it and let them get on with their poetry. For those who are curious, the proper drink for Dead Tough Guys is a thermos of rye and Dead Undersea Explorers get sent off with a couple bottles of champagne, just like their ships.********************
WONDERFUL COMES IN THREES
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WONDERFUL DEAD GUY REVUE
*********** Oh, the strange ways of fate... and readers like you.
*********** DESERT NOMAD wonders:
I thought poets were supposed to be greeted with buckets of Absinthe and a cozy fire... or was it green Buick's spewing fire? I'm terrible with tradition. ************** Truth be told, it's Absinthe for English Poets, Whiskey for the Irish and Old Perfume for the French, but such traditions are hardly ever observed.
************** Then it gets scary as CAPTAIN AMERICA writes:
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
I'm sad. My July of 4th celebration of beer, grilled meat, beer, "lose your sense of hearing and a finger" illegal fireworks, more beer has been interrupted by news of another celebrity death. I'm not sure but I think either Jack Kerouac or that fat, bald CBS guy in the dilapidated tenement on wheels is dead. I liked that fat CBS guy because like Santa most old fat guys are jolly. As for Kerouac, I couldn't care less for an author who is famous for writing for TEEN BEAT magazine. Oh, Gods of Hollywood who whilst thou strike down next?************* Barely have I received that when THANAPOET chimes in with:
OK, this is worse than I thought.
To my recollection, the chronology went as follows:
Jaques Cousteau finally got the bends
Brian Keith decided Buffy's way out was best
Robert Mitchum went up to the Grim Reaper and called him a pussy
Jimmy Stewart tried his hand at becoming a pooka
And most recently, Charles Kuralt, a respected CBS journalist and 'On the Road'correspondent died July 4. Americana at its most fine.
That's 5 kiddies. 1 celeb is left. My money's on Kate Hepburn. Who do you think is next?Just wondering
************** To clear up any confusion: when I began MISTER WONDERFUL'S CELEBRITY TORTURE CHAMBER last month, it was only so you could *write about* all the terrible things you'd do to famous people. Someone's taking it a bit too far. While we certainly encourage overindulgence on principle, Mr. Wonderful has received some very peeved phone calls from Ted Turner, who is having trouble scheduling all these film tributes. So stop it.
......My prediction, however, for the next dead famous person: Corey Haim (ihopeihopeihope).********************
THERE IS NO WONDER LIKE WONDERFUL
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MR. WONDERFUL'S ZOO
Why do cats stare?
Nervous
________________Dear Jerry,
......Experts have long been divided on this question. The most popular explanation is that the sleek and noble beasts we call 'cats' are merely the fleshly, earthbound vessels of an ancient supra-dimensional race from beyond the Veil of Qvarrtner. These powerful omni-gods are observing our species, calculating our worthiness and preparing us for a place on the Galactic Council. This is why the Egyptians thought they were so keen.......The other camp holds that cats are insipid bags of drool, crawling with disease and allergens, that have such tiny brains it would take a garbage truck full of the beasts to match the reasoning power of a hummingbird on crack. They stare because their lone brain cell is frequently engaged in other business, such as creating disgusting gastric sculptures to leave behind, and cannot control the eye muscles.
......Mr. Wonderful is reserving judgement until he gets a reply from the 'ARE YOU CATS?' message he sent beyond the Veil of Qvarrtner. With an S.A.S.E., no less.
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WONDERFUL ON THE LINE
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WONDERFUL'S LITTLE BIRDS
********** Random shots from the sniper crowd...
From the paranoid, "Plebes of Bo Gritz" faction:
So, the Pathfinder probe lands on Mars during a time coinciding with the 50th anniversary of Roswell? Maybe the Pathfinder landing is taking some of the steam from the Roswell gathering going on as we speak?
Two Words: CAPRICORN ONE!********** While the Mars of Pathfinder does seem an awful lot like Arizona, I have yet to see a pick-up truck with a gun rack pass by. I fear the more relevant and chilling phrase may turn out to be ten words: GET YOUR STINKIN' PAWS OFF ME, YOU DAMN DIRTY APE!
********** And from SPOT ON:In response to why cats stare:
a third possibility that may be important to factor in is seen in Fun Forensic Fact #346: if you die in your house and your cat is locked in with you and no-one discovers your body for a significant time and no-one feeds that cat, your feline companion will eat you. It will start at the throat and eat up all the flesh around your lower jaw, as well. It makes a corpse look rather odd to be chinless and throatless, but otherwise intact. So perhaps when cats stare, they are wondering what we taste like.R. Mortis
********* Which is why forensics experts aren't invited to more parties.
("not an anthropologist but i play one on tv")
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THERE'S NO WONDERFUL LIKE YO WONDERFUL
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WONDERLAFFS
......The day began like so many recently. I sagged out of bed, rueful over my having to deal with mindless people at my job. The movies I showed that day were banal and void of any meaning. I came home despondent. Nobody thought anymore. My trip to the video store was purposeful. Something to lift my doldrums and not insult my intelligence. I trudged past the bikini Spring Break movies. Bad movies surrounded, and I was about to return to the dreary existence of my apartment. Then it appeared. Peter Sellers in 'Being There'. Poigniant, funny and intelligent. I watched the master of the clueless weave his simple web and I was drawn in. Satisfied, but greedy, I dug around until I pulled out the two Ultimate movies. 'Return of the Pink Panther' and 'Dr. Strangelove'. By the end of the night, my sides hurt, my guffaws were audible miles away, and my life had meaning again. Is there any other comedic actor alive or dead who could do what Pietro did to me?
Just wondering
NP.S. I'm thinking of doing a Video Review every week for my Friends.
Interested?
_______________
Dear Chauncy,......Mr. Wonderful is pretty fond of those bikini Spring Break movies, actually.
......Wonderful Labs' tests have determined that no goldfish can watch Seller's performance as Dr. Strangelove more than two times in a row without choking with laughter and drowning. Isn't that interesting? That's why you pay taxes. That's also why the Americans lost Vietnam.
......Goldfish are much more resistant to other comedians. For example...
......No goldfish has ever died watching Jim Carrey, no matter what the dosage (although one did develop a loose fin after the scene in 'Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls' in which Ace screams about the spear being 'in the bone').
......It is suspected that Robin Williams (both pre- and post- coke) can cause comas, but with goldfish it's pretty tough to say.
......Seven goldfish out of ten will develop stomach cramps and drown after laughing along with 'Some Like It Hot' three or more times.
......John Cleese only kills three out of five.
......You can murder a whole bowl of goldfish with Mel Brooks, but only with pictures before 1982, and only if you rewind a lot.
......The yodeling in 'Raising Arizona' will break one goldfish in twenty.
...... Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie can give fifteen goldfish minor strokes.
......Most goldfish don't "get" 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead'.
......'Clerks' slays your younger goldfish.
......Rowan Atkinson gets the following ratings: Mr. Bean kills about half the goldfish, most of the time; his stage show will kill three of ten, provided they haven't seen that one before; Black Adder kills four of five, even if they're asleep.
......Groucho Marx: ten dead goldfish in every bowl, easy.
......Bob Hope, pre-1965: five goldfish per dozen.
......An Eddie Murphy Saturday Night Live Episode will give you two pounds of dead goldfish after four viewings.
......To sum up, Wonderful Labs has way too much free time. Go with the early works of the late B. Bunny, esq.
P.S. I sure am, but do you think Phoebe and Monica will go for it?
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CAN YOU WONDERFUL?
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WONDER AT THE CINEMA
By the way, we just got back from Face/Off. It ROCKED! Even my wife said it ROCKED! I Loved Travolta, and Nick Cage, Gina and Joan. Ballet-like fight choreography, super slo-mo's, and all the ammunition you can handle. But I feel that in your recent tally sheet you left off an important factor to see this movie.
Nick Cassavetes
Nick Cassavetes?
NICK FUCKIN' CASSAVETES!!!Dieter is the accomplice you need when you're a badass of Castor Troy's caliber. Someone who will drug you, tongue-kiss his own sister, and blow his own place up with a big damn shotgun. I sat in awe of Nick's performance. I had hard nipples and would have given him next year's Best Supporting Actor Oscar right now! I want to BE Dieter. I think I need a towel.
Also, James Woods is the best part of Hercules and really the only reason for anyone over the age of 12 to see this movie.
So are there any videos which showcase these two fine actors at the top of their form?
Just Wondering
________________Dear Grease-nipples,
......James Woods is at the top of his form in everything he does, even "Diggstown" where we are asked to believe that he was not anally raped with impunity while in the hoosegow. In fact, his Hades role is a bit of an inside joke, since this fine actor sold his soul to Satan in 1981.
......I had to dig a bit more to find out about Nick Cassavetes. Luckily, HBO was showing "Sins of Desire" last night at 2 AM. Nick Cassavetes was apparently the lead actor in the film, as his name appeared first. I'm not sure-- you could have renamed the film "Electricity of Breasts" without any loss of accuracy. Mr. Cassavetes did not have his head shaved for this role. Well, maybe he did. I was reading a book at the same time. Mainly what drew my attention were the bare breasts (which Mr. Cassavetes did *not* have) that appeared with heart-warming regularity. I got the impression that someone had tried to inject a plot into the film, but it was overwhelmed by the production values (ala "Jurassic Park"). Actually, my impressions of plot may have come from my book. It was pretty late. Mr. Cassavetes *was* on top of many forms during the picture, though.
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WONDERFUL OF HIMSELF
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WONDERSHAKES
********** Burning issues of the day and how they affect *you*...
********** JIMCRACK writes:
A theory on Pathfinder -
It's actually in the desert near Roswell NM.********** Mr Wonderful's favorite Conspiracy-Theory-Inspiring newsbit had to be the one where "scientists discovered the Mars rocks to be remarkably Earth-like."
********** And on the subject of feline eye-contact:Cats stare because they're sizing up whether or not you are a cat hater.
I know.********** A good theory, but surely one could fool those little creatures with a little tuna and a bat... unless there is some sort of Cat-Interpol keeping tabs (so to speak) on the behavior of repeat offenders world-wide. Keep checking.
********** And as to Nick Cassavetes, "Face/Off"'s number one Number Two, FILMHUND reveals:Cassavetes starred in a modern day remake of The Tempest (no title change) during the mid 80s. Check it out on video. ********** And GOTHESS points out:
Nick Cassavetes is pretty hot with no hair.
********** All of which sounds like a direct challenge to Gary Oldman. Can he inspire teror and lust at 20,000 feet on "Air Force One"? Will he remain the uber-actor? Or is he to be forced into the shadows to eat Cheetos and cry (Isabella has already left him...)? Tune in next week!
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WONDERFUL IS THE BEYOND
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WONDERDARK CREAMS
Dear Mr Dark,
What's your favorite bestest flavor of ice cream? Mine's mint chip.
And how come everybody (including me) pronounces sherbet like sure, burt? Too much sesame street?yours cordially,
scorched toast at 6 am
_______________Dear Fraggle,
......Just so you know, Mr. Wonderful is back from his four-color funnybook retreat and ready to Answer All once again. Neither fanboys, nor muscle spasms nor lack of sleep shall stay him from his self-appointed rounds...
......But Mister Dark replies:
......The ice has not yet been creamed that can satisfy a businessman such as me. That being said, I admire the purity of Vanilla, and its Arctic Dairy White reminds me of Chinese funeral garments. There is a decadence also, to French Vanilla, a sense of cream perverted. I demure to Mister Wonderful on the linguistic question.
............Yours in Commerce,
..................Dark
......Actually, the citizens of the north-eastern United States all tend to pronounce Sherbet, "Sher-bit". This causes no end of confusion as the children who grow up there then go on to spell the word "sherbert", having, quite logically, taken their parents' fool accents into account. I also know of a young lady who wrote angry letters to "bastids" until someone got her a dictionary.
......The surgeon general recently announced that there is no such thing as "too much Sesame Street".
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WONDERFUL. _MISTER_ WONDERFUL
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WONDERDARK CREAMS II
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
I recently went to Southern California's largest grocery store and was unable to find Green mint ice cream. Why?
- The Magic Shell Matron
_______________
Dear Shopper,......Blame the Irish.
......Record numbers of Gaelic immigrants to the United States in 1996 had two unforseen consequences: a) the television series "ROAR" and b) incredibly massive demand for McDonald's Shamrock Shakes.
......The MacDonalds Corporation scrambled to meet the increased Shake traffic, buying up 90% of the world's Green mint crop. Even still, in some areas the Shake price reached 13.50 a cup. Armed riots in Worcester, MA forced the federal government to step in and sanction mandatory delivery to "paddy-towns" across the nation. As a result, several executives have been shot and there are motions in Congress as we speak to ban either the Shake, St. Patrick's Day, or both.
......And that is why there is no emerald mint chip for you this summer, dear friend. But just buy the white stuff and leave it in the closet for a few days, then it'll be plenty green.
**************
HEAP BIG WONDERFUL
**************
......
WONDERFUL DOOM
************ Continuing our policy of better late than never...
************ COJONES IN DRAG had this to say about the sixth Celebrity Death in a row:Who's NEXT? Why, Versace. Bring out the cherubim perfume t-shirts from last summer - they're hot again. What's that alluring hairstyle? "Au Exitwounde."
************ There's nothing so poignant as a well-dressed dead man.
************ And as to our recent discussion of Iced Dairy Products, SHINING ARMOR offers:
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
Tell Desperately Seeking Mint Chip to try Friendly's brand ice cream (if that's available out there) if not, for a small fee I shall send some in a cryonically enhanced Fed Ex envelope only if the requestor is a single, very attractive female in her twenties.
************ Funny thing is, that's exactly how Timothy Leary's head got here.
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WONDERFUL KNOWS NO BOUNDS
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BIG FAT HAIRY WONDERFUL
Dear Misters,
I have a few job interviews with rather posh places coming up soon (i hope at least) and would like to make a good impresssion. Do you think it would be worth it to shave off the leg hair that I have been dutifully growing out for the last two years?
Thanks for the advice,
Squirrel Grrl in Manteca, CA__________________
Dear Wolfrider,
......A better question would be, is it *possible* to shave off that kind of growth? My god, you must have calves like Ernest Borgnine by now. Not that there's anything wrong with that. He won an Oscar(tm).
......The important thing to remember is if this is a proper interview in a proper posh place they shouldn't be asking you to remove your skirt. Nor should you show up wearing just a gasmask. These are just a few of the rules Mr. Wonderful has personally learned in his many years among the proletariat. No amount of stripping will make a good impression, unless you are applying for a job at Wonderful Labs.
......If you insist on wearing some sort of Armani bathing trunks to your interviews, perhaps it would be best to just shellac the hair on your legs and claim that they are knee-high suede boots.
......Never change just because someone has money.
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WONDERFUL AS THE RAIN
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WONDERFUL FLASH
Dear Mr One Dur Full,
Someone brought six super-sized, rotund mangos to my house the other day. I don't know what to do with them; I am slightly intimidated by the way they are all gathered on the countertop, looking pulpy and sullen. Do you have any suggestions?
Yours,
Unsure in Copperopolis
_____________Dear Fruitbat,
......Get out of the house. NOW.
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AIIIIIIEEEEE WONDERFUL!
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SON OF A WONDER
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
......Is Buffy the Vampire Slayer friends with you? Do you know Xena the Warrior Princess? Mom says they are in California and you are in California so could you tell them hi for me? Thank you, Mr. Wonderful. Mom says I'm not supposed to ever read your stuff anymore onna counta I am too young so please tell Buffy and Xena to only call after she goes to work, ok? Thanks.
Little Billy
Athens, Maine
_______________Dear Spanky,
......This morning I rolled over and asked Buffy if she did personal phone calls. She was barely awake, but after a brief tickle fight under the covers with Xena's lil buddy Gabrielle, she said, "Only if there's a big can of whipped cream waiting for me afterward."
......I swatted the two of them giggling into the shower and turned my attention to the sprawled out Warrior Princess who still gently snored. Using ancient Cyrillic massage techniques I quickly brought her to a state of aroused hypnosis. Her startlingly blue eyes stared into mine. "Would you ever call Athens, Maine?" I asked softly.
......"Of course not," she murmured, "The Greeks knew what they were doing when they named it..."
......I could hold back no longer and soon my monogrammed robe needed replacing.......So, sorry Billy. The lesson is, Stay in school. Maybe one day you'll be able to Answer All, too.
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WONDERFUL IS SOME PIECE OF WORK
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MR WONDERFUL'S ACTION FIGURE
Dear Sir of Wonderful,
Give us your opinion on the new Spawn movie.
_________________
Dear Todd,
......Mr. Wonderful loves reviewing movies before he's seen them. Then there's no chance of petty sentimentalism getting in the way of hard-hitting journalism. Give him a trailer and ballpark budget and he knows exactly how the puppy's gonna play.
......In all fairness, though, we should reveal all the free stuff we got from the Spawn Booth last weekend. All you had to do was show up, go through their goofy haunted house, try not to giggle at the KISS action figures, and they'd hand you buckets of loot. Wonderful Labs now has a giant Spawn pin, a Violator/Clown temporary tattoo, a copy of the Spawn Bible signed by the colorist, two preview tapes of the soundtrack, a smaller Spawn button and a Spawn Symbol Sticker. Not to mention the fact that Todd "The Thespian" McFarlane signed a copy of our partner's Star Wars Trivia Book in a lingerie shop, because we just happened to run into him. Yeah, like Ebert doesn't get dozens of truffles sent over every time Spielberg makes a picture.
......Here's the scoop: Brando looks like he lost a lot of weight for the clown role, but Robert DeNiro as The Cape is gonna blow everybody off the screen. A-.
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BE A WONDERFUL WHORE
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BRAVE NEW WONDERFUL
Dear Wonderful,
I bask in your glory. I sing praises about you to my plebeian friends. Recently, I have been reading the prophecies of Nostradamus...do you have a similar power of foresight? If so, please enlighten us with a few predictions.
________________
Dear Jean,
......That punk Nostradamus couldn't predict his way out of a paper bag. If he could, he would have known Remigius and I were waiting to kick his ass on the other side of the alehouse.
......Prophecies are strange and tricky things. Like a monkey with a gun, play with them in the wrong place or time, and you could find yourself on the receiving end of a Roman Candle Hot Lead Enema. Mr. Wonderful dares not reveal too much of the future, lest the weak-willed amongst you (and you know who you are, I'll see you after class) succumb to the temptation to buy stocks or jump in front of bullets or whatever it is you people do to change the future.
......SOME HINTS OF THE WONDERFUL FUTURE THAT AWAITS:
......1) Scientists will discover a cure for love, but it will fail to catch on when marketed as "Olestra II".
......2) The Mars Colony? Like a low-gravity Frat House.
......3) Ummm, avoid the more *coastal* areas in 2002. Don't ask.
......4) Save those back issues!
......5) It might be best to just give away all your money now, before it's ripped electronically from existence.
......6) In the future, you can dress as sexy as you want, thanks to the Armani Act.
......7) Miss Emily Fisher of Beesneck, MD will discover a new sunflower in her backyard. It is actually the advance scout for the coming Armada.
......8) There will be no more World Wars. This is largely because most of the historians get killed first and no one else remembers what to call "those big conflicts, you know, where everyone fights everyone."
......9) Free love! Free love! Free love!
......10) *President* Wonderful.
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DO NOT HESITATE TO WONDER
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WONDERFUL AT WORK
Dear MW,
I work at a company that does not believe in project management. None but two employees have any communication skills. It's losing business. I'm attracted to one of my managers. If she and I were to leave for another company, what kind of "Dear John" letter would we have to leave our boss?
Sincerely,
Freaked Out________________
Dear Thelma,
......For the record, Project Management seems like an awfully odd thing to believe in anyway. What happened to the good old religions like Ancestor Worship and Slavish Devotion to the Many-Armed She-Beast Shuff-Lannoth? Your average blood sacrifice is guaranteed results, even if they are of the "looks like goat again tonight" variety.
......In any case, there is no shame in abandoning a sinking ship, especially if you've made sure to put a bullet between the eyes of all other survivors. Your "Dear John" letter should be neatly typed and not scrawled on the men's room mirror with blood-red lipstick. Use company letterhead and be sure to write it on company time.
......Your letter should be concise and to the point. Explain exactly how colossal an idiot he is and how much you pity him. Explain the terrible things you did to his coffee. Sum up with a glowing description of the near-heavenly qualities of your new job. Remember to mention how your salary will be greater than his, but forget to mention which state you are moving to. Sign off, then add a postscript detailing the new relationship between you and your manager. That should leave him weeping blood and suicidal for years.
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CALL WONDERFUL WHEN YOU NEED IT
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WONDERFUL AT LENGTH
********* Another Marathon of Queries from our favorite JUST WONDERING:
OK, Hopefully you're well rested enough, because the stream of consciousness meter is flowing rapidly
1) Remember the kid who had the "baloney" with the "first name" of "O-S-C-A-R?" How much is he shelling out for bail to get out of the indecent exposure charge?
********* You tell me.
2) Why does Natalie Portman make me feel like a pedophile?
********* The damned French. It's all part of their plan to weaken the moral and natural fiber of the rest of the world, making us ripe for takeover by their Rigellian allies. Resist, comrade! Join us on the other side of the age of consent!
3) If I vibrated and laughed everytime someone tickled me, could I make a million dollars?
********* No, but you could make some nice ladies very happy.
4) It's been 10 years since Frank Miller's DARK KNIGHT RETURNS, am I really that fuckin' old?
********* Yes you are, but never fear: scientists have recently discovered that arrested adolescence will actually slow down the physical aging process. Most 30 year-old 'X-Men' fans actually have the bodies of 28 year-olds.
5) Why doesn't Rowan Atkinson do a Blackadder movie instead of Mr. Bean?
********* He doesn't have to pay a writer to do 'Bean'. The Blackadder scribes include Ben 'Young Ones' Elton and Richard 'Four Weddings and Funeral' Curtis, each of whom command sums upwards of ten pounds per picture-- a princely sum in post-war Britain.
6) Who would you cast in the live-action Calvin and Hobbes movie?
********* Ooooh, delish. Hobbes would be a CGI affair, with the voice talent of Jeremy Piven. Dad would be Kevin Spacey, of course. Mom would be Sandra Bullock. Rosalyn capably played by Alicia Silverstone. Susie... Christina Ricci, if they get her quick. And Calvin himself? Gary Oldman.
7) What's another word for Thesaurus? Why do they bother to define dictionary in the dictionary?
********* a) "Rhumba-Lizard" b) To put more space between 'dick' and 'dyke' (rim shot)
8) Did John Woo ever study dance?
********* Yes, actually. After three months he was tossed out of class for hiding blood squibs in the leotards.
Just Wondering
p.s. you love me, but you don't know why just yet.
*********P.S. Ooh, but I think I'm getting a clue.
XXX
"What's a nubian?!?! Bitch, you almost made me smile."****************
WONDER IF YOU CAN
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4 WONDERS AND A FUL
Dear Wonderful One,
I just saw _Four Weddings and a Funeral_ last night on tee vee. It made me wonder two things:
1. How come Hugh Grant doesn't appear to have any body hair? (by which I refer to the lack of everything but eyebrows and hairdo)
2. What is it about Scottish accents that make them so darned sexy?
Thanks for your help on these pressing matters.
Love,
V. Yoghurt
Pumpkin Center, CA
________________Dear Divine,
......1. Hugh Grant has no body hair because he is, in fact, a Man from Atlantis. The eyebrows are painted on and the hairdo is a Shatner Collection Rug (tm). Accidentally trapped in a Norwegian fisherman's net, Huuj-Ghrnt was brought to England and sold to Paul McCartney in 1987. To this day he eats only salt supplements and kelp.
......2. Well, lass, I dinna want to gi' away no secrets, but since ye ask... there's reasons Scotsmen never invented trousers, eh? One is t' save time and the other should be obvious. People focus on the accent because it's more polite.
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KEEP ON WONDERFUL
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WONDERFUL SCIENCE
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
......If you hit a cat on the head with a hammer, will it blink?
Sincerely,
Phone Friend_____________
Dear Tweety,
......I feel like the Wise Old Owl: "A-One... A-Two... A-Three... *Crunch*"
......Actually, Wonderful Labs has done very little research into Metallo-Feline relations. We do know that if you drop a bag of cedar wood chips onto a racoon you get a very amusing reaction. Likewise with a bar of soap and an Airedale.
......Mr. Wonderful suspects you are an undercover ASPCA agent, but here is the answer anyway: No the cat will not blink, he will fly into a screaming frenzy and tear a hole through your abdomen. He will then report you to his superiors and the next morning you will awaken covered in mucus and allergic to your own skin. Or so they say.
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SOMEBODY NEEDS WONDERFUL
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WONDER AGAIN
********** An angrier man than me writes:
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
While I believe you are correct in your advice 99 44/100% of the time, I must disagree with your response to Thelma. I think your version of the "Dear John" letter is too nice. If you will permit me, please let me offer my version.....Dear Mr Big,
I have toiled for all too many years under your inept command. You're as rudderless as the S.S. Minnow after some bodywork by Gilligan. Divine intervention has restored my good sense and I am leaving before you captain us into an iceberg. Not only am I leaving but I'm taking with me the only saving grace this place ever had...my manager. If this leads you to think we're having some sort of fling...you're damn right. Just guess where in office we did it for the first time...you'd be surprised how easily office supplies can be converted into sex toys. So, we're outta here you pasty-faced, fat-ass, jelly donut sucking, modern-day Napoleonic Lord of the Cubicles. And just pray that we never bump into each other on the street, 'cause I got something for ya....and it ain't a birthday present either.************ Duly noted, comrade!
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WONDERUPPER
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Wisdom and Wit © 1997 Mark Anthony Masterson. Thank you to all the querents (Especially Matt and Tekurah, who played along first), long may your lights blink mercilessly.
