Wed, 04 Jun 1997Please send your queries c/o misterdark@mail.geocities.com
TINY WONDERFUL BUBBLES
To start, let's make 1 thing perfectly clear. I am the original Just Wondering. Got it? you can set CUte little CAPitAL leTTers anywhere, but the name is mine. period.
Aherm. .. pardon me.So in a recent column, you spoke of music oriented themes. I forget exactly what, because I inadvertently deleted it. Anyway, My open ended general question is - What is the single greatest musical recording ever? votes abound for Laibach, Frank Zappa, Meat Loaf, Don McLean, Barry Manilow, Barry Manilow? *BARRY MANILOW* , Foetus, et al. I want the WONDERFUL opinion. By the way, those in Jersey who voted for Yanni, even in jest, were staked to the ground and covered in honey, so watch yourself.
Just Wondering (visual reference to "The Boss" from John Graham's THE SHOPPER)
Dear Cocoa,
____________________The single greatest musical recording, or the single greatest recording artist or group? For Wonderful's money, the greatest recording had to be that time George called John a "wanker" after he blew the chorus on "Please Please Me" for the sixth time. You can hear George Martin come out of the booth, but by then it's too late: Paul and John have George upside-down and are slowly banging his head on Paul's bass while Ringo beats him like a week-old pinata. Unfortunately, it's only available on bootleg, but the incident did eventually become part of the bass line for "Hey Bulldog".
The single greatest recording artist or group is, of course, Tim Curry.
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WONDERFUL DOES THE ROCK
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Wed, 04 Jun 1997
HIGH ON WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,If a couple has sex in Denver, are they then members of the Mile High Club?
Dear D.B. Cooper,
_______________Mr. Wonderful has been to Denver; it's not what he'd call a city for lovers.
However, if anyone *did* manage to get laid in that oxygen-depleted hotbed of Christianity it would make them members of the "Luckier Than Wonderful" Club. Mr. Wonderful didn't even manage to get into Mile High *Comics* while he was there. In fact, Denver pretty much allowed Mr. Wonderful to get in touch with his inner "Missing Link", not his inner Casanova. That would have been a good time if he had been nearer to the Coors plant in Golden, but as it nearly resulted in convictions, we recommend avoiding the experience.
Anyway, in answer to your query, the Mile High Club by-laws require that the members also be traveling at least 174 knots relative to the Earth, so, no, not normally.
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HUMMER OF A WONDER
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Sat, 07 Jun 1997
WONDERBUTT ROUNDUP
*********Unfortunately, after a promising opening the Kevin Costner Bun-Stomping fizzled out pretty rapidly. If anyone has any last minute tortures for the 200 Million Dollar Man, send them along...
**********SLINKY writes:my personal opinion on kevin's buttocks is that he was at a wild party and woke up the next morining with a large and graphic new tattoo spanning the breadth of his tush. what this tattoo looks like is best left to everyone's own personal imagination, i'd say . . .
*********Wonderful sees a two-cheek Breughel.
*********PILGRIM says:Kevin hasn't shown his butt in a while, because a stunt butt was used for Robin Hood. It was his in Dances with Wolves, probably because he was also director and knew what lighting his tuckus would look best in.
Kevin's Butt Damage Fantasy #1 - See The Miller's Tale by Geoffrey *Canterbury Tales* Chaucer.
********For the literature-impaired, it involves a window ledge and a red-hot poker. Howard Stern has nothing on old Geoffrey.
********On 5/23/97 TEASER typed:P.S.--We shall be sending in a Costner butt-whomping reply, but I need to edit it down from the nine-part epic it currently is. ********A watched butt never boils, people!
********And that's about it, really. Perhaps the subject was too limiting...to that end, we offer a new on-going feature:
Write in any time, with any type of disfiguring accident, embarrassment or fetish for any moderately famous person and see it printed here. Who knows? We could all be charged with harrassment!******************
WONDERFUL. AND ROBIN
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Sat, 07 Jun 1997
SYMPATHY FOR THE WONDER
*********Referring to the lack of "some" in Colorado:In defense of WONDERFUL, I submit the reason that he didn't get any action whilst in Denver. He was a groomsman at my wedding to the ever-scrumptious Peej-o-rama. WE did want the men to have free time, but alas, mother nature and mother of the groom plotted against us. So, as ever the soul of nobility, Mr. WONDERFUL sacrificed his baser urges to be part of a celebration that did in fact live up to the moniker of "Darren and Jake's Wrestling Match" We have it on video tape.
Just Wondering (not about anything important though)
**********Always a groomsman, never a groom...(sigh)
**********And about my invitation to rate all the other net gurus:Dear Mr Wonderful,
You're the best. No contest. Don't even have to check out hosers like the "competition" to know that!
Groupie Grrrl
**********Ah, you warm the bottom of my heart, not to mention the heart of my bottom. With fans like this, Wonderful cannot fall (and he might even get lucky someday)!***************
WONDERFUL-WHERE IT HURTS
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Wed, 11 Jun 1997
ONE RINGY WONDER
dear mr wonderful,last friday night my phone line went dead. i didn't notice till saturday, myself, and as it was a weekend i had to wait till monday to call the phone company and ask for repairs. well, tuesday a repair guy showed up at 10 am (i had had no sleep the night before but man, was i glad to see him anyway!) and lo and behold, my phone was fixed! i should have taken advantage of those few precious hours of dial tone while i could . . . instead i left to run errands downtown. when i returned at 5pm i had a message on my machine-- let's hear it for incoming calls! give it up, folks! so i called my friend back and we were just about to set a time to meet for dinner when
*click*
[silence]
so now my phone is dead again in a slightly different way. pac bell says they are going to send a technician out tomorrow again.
my question for you is this: how can i best cope with my rising levels of frustration?
sincerely,
Dear Sam Lawry,
a loving fan in goffs, ca
______________________The best way to cope with any situation is, of course, Karaoke. Here are some of the many advantages of this Ancient Eastern Art:
1) it encourages community
2) it enforces humility
3) liberal drinking required
4) it supports the arts
5) aids memory of obscure songs, leading to high trivia scores
6) the "Star Blazers" theme is Japan's #1 requested karaoke tune
7) liberal drinking required
8) No Kenny G. allowed
9) do you realize how much you have to drink?
10) does not often lead to violenceThen again, you may find that you want to take more direct action against your frustrators. Mr. Wonderful finds that many of life's problems can be resolved by the precise and informed use of a Louisville Slugger. As always, location is the key here.
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WONDERFUL FOR ALL SEASONS
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Mon, 23 Jun 1997
WONDERFUL RESURRECTION
My Darling Wonderful,I have eaten far too much chocolate today and am feeling rather giddy. I just got done with reading all the past columns on your web site and was laughing rather too hard to see at some points. But enough buttering you up; I have an important question.
I watched a movie called "Looking for Richard" tonight, a quasi-documentary in which Al Pachino and a cast of awfully good actors put on Richard III (by our friend Billy) and simultaneously explain what the hell the play is about. Kevin Spacey of Verbal-the-gimpy-sexpot-Kint is in it (be still my heart) as well as other big names. Highly reccommended by me.
My question is, why the hell did they cast Winona The Wuss Ryder in this play? she really just is a very poor actor and detracts from everyone. Does she get into movies 'cause she's cute or what? She ain't even that cute by my reckoning; maybe if she was more of a crippled criminal mastermind . . .
So what's up with Whine-ona?
Yours,
Dear Mrs. Kobyashi,
Coco Puff
_______________________There is not enough butter in the *world*.
As to the tragic case of Ms. Winona Ryder: as we all know, she was born into a privileged family, exposed to such luminaries as Allen Ginsberg, Timothy Leary and Dennis Hopper from an early age. It is clear her parents groomed her to be a celebrity child; she was forced to read "Catcher in the Rye" every day at gunpoint. Instead of turning immediately to substance abuse, however, the young Ryder made a couple of motion pictures, the most entertaining of which is, of course, "Heathers", where she is nearly killed by a Jack Nicholson impersonator.
The reason her films and performances are not as entertaining these days, and not incidentally the reason her ouevre now reads like an index of Great Books of Western Literature, not to mention why she'll never be Jodie Foster and is ready to assassinate Alicia "three-picture-deal Producer at 19" Silverstone, is that she is quite literally not the girl she once was. Timothy Leary, learning of his advanced cancer, paid two million dollars to have his brain transplanted into the young girl's body.
Apparently "Alien Resurrection" will be full of inside jokes on this topic. Stay tuned.
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IT'S A WONDERFUL MOON
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Wed, 25 Jun 1997
WONDERFUL INNOVATION
******* In response to reader requests, we answer this particular Multi-plex question in a slightly new format. Take it away, Just Wondering:3 fucking crashes. . . This message will be sent if I have to kill someone.
1. - While watching a Bond movie I got to wondering, who's the hottest Bond babe? The best Bond villain? The best Bond Gadget? And why didn't Q take over the freakin' world with all his technology?
******** 1.a) You can keep your Honey Riders, Pussy Galores and Plenty O'Tooles... for this sage there's only one gal: Moneypenny. b) The Best Bond Villain was Sting on Saturday Night Live. c) I've always been partial to headlight-mounted Stinger missiles that one never uses, but the absolute coolest gadget has to be the helicopter inna suitcase. d) Watch carefully: Q is the real Blofeld.2. - Approximately how many different characters will be shot in the upcoming Woo flick, FACE/OFF? ******** 2. Approximately 57,934. All these characters, however, will be played by John Travolta and Nicholas Cage.
3. - Why is Jim Carrey still allowed out in public? ******** 3. It is part of the agreement we signed with Neptune.
4. - What was the single best meal you've ever eaten? Was there a show after? ******** 4. Berkeley, California. 1989. Strawberries. Moonlight. Whipped Cream. 14 tons of Hormones. Yes, there was quite a show.
5. - Should Alec Guinness narrate the new Star Wars installments? Is it merely coincidence that Guinness stout takes it's name from an Academy award winning actor? ******** 5.a) "Theeese are the voyages of the Jedi. Their three film mission: to make a boatload of dough..." I believe that *Sir* Alec should be able to do anything he wants, up to and including buggering Steven Spielberg with one of his own animatronic dinosaurs. b) It is no coincidence. You know how in "Dune" certain names could kill? "Guinness" is a name that can conquer.
6. - Who's hotter, Emma Thompson or Gillian Anderson? ******** 6. Why?! Why do you vex me with such torturous queries? Do you want to cripple me? Is that your game? *sigh* I vote Emma, simply because even at midnight in a windowless room during a city-wide power outage while a solar eclipse takes place on the other side of the planet she could seduce the hair off my head from *across the room*.
7. - Why is the word 'scrumptious' so underused? ******** 7. Mr. and Mrs. Ed Scrumptious of Waukeegan, IL successfully sued Webster's Dictionary in 1947 for defamation of character. Since then, it has been an "underground" word, only used by the rebellious and ignorant.
Just Wondering
N******* Just Wonderful
Wed, 25 Jun 1997
WONDERFUL SLEEPS WITH THE FISHES
Dear Mr. Wonderful,Today I write to you in grief. One of my idols has passed away. In his life he studied and explored the lives of so many beautiful creatures. It is a sudden shock for me to realize his own mortality. He lived a full and productive life, affecting the lives of more people than anyone can ever hope to meet.
At 87 years of age, Jacques-Yves Cousteau has died.
My question to you, Mr. Wonderful, is, what can I do to show my thanks to such a great man?
-Sullen Sadie
Dear Charlie,
____________Tattoos.
Tattoos are the answer when gratitude is the question. Go to Sea World, get liquored up, then visit one of San Diego's many fine Ink and Pain Parlors. For a relatively modest fee, you could forever emblazon your body with "THE CALYPSO GETS ME WET" or some other pro-Jacques slogan.
Avoid pictures. A slippery dolphin on your arm is an ambiguous thing.
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THE CURSE OF WONDERFUL
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Sat, 28 Jun 1997
GEOGRAPHIWONDER
Dear,what is the raddest place i can go where there is cactus and dry heat in abundance, sweeping smog-free vistas, and relatively reasonable rent?
or, if you don't like that question, why do the mountains in southern california hide from mortal eyes?
new addition to that old list of things not to put in one's mouth:
the tail of a cat that is shedding.yours,
Dear Blue,
cookie monstrosity
__________________________All queries are equally beautiful in Mr. Wonderful's eyes. Some just have scratchy bits.
Cacti, dry heat, a view and low cost of living? I think what you are describing is Mr. Wonderful's Tanning Salon, which features an authentic Western Motif and Clear-Vue(tm) plexiglass booths. Come on down!
The Mountains in Southern California were formed when the genitals of the slain god Prescipius were cast into the ocean. The spirit of the deity implored Mother Ga to shroud the tumescent aftermath, and she has to this day.
The mountains of Northern California were formed when the Dwarf Tribes of Nunniheim discovered Line Dancing.
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OH, THOSE WONDERFUL CATS
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Wisdom and Wit © 1997 Mark Anthony Masterson. Thank you to all the querents (Especially Matt and Tekurah, who played along first), long may your lights blink mercilessly.
