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Thu, 01 MAY 1997Please send your queries c/o misterdark@mail.geocities.com
MY GOD, IT'S WONDERFUL OF STARS
Dear Wondermunch:Recently, some friends I have made on the Net and AOL have been asking me for advice... being that I lack the experience Mr. Wonderful has I have forwarded these queries to you...hopefully you will be able to save these poor souls.
1) Mr. Wonderful,
For my own safety I can't use my real name... call me Doe... John Doe. I have a problem. For many years now, I have travelled the world and have slept with a lot of women. A few months ago, while on holiday in Monte Carlo, I met this lovely Baccarat dealer and fell in love with her...chiefly because she did not try to kill me by wrapping her legs around me to "Thighmaster" me to death nor is she the consort of a megalomanic. She's rather ordinary, which I find refreshing. I have many concerns... one is how do I tell her about what I do....my job has a great deal of danger attached to it. Also how can I tell her about the hundred of other women who came before her without losing her? Finally, how do I know she cares for me and is not just impressed by my cool car?2) Wonder-something dude,
I'm a kid...heheheheh...and I got this friend....i'm always with...hehehe..we watch TV..burn stuff...he says..i never score...heheheh i don't 'cause i just wanna score with him....but i'm afraid if i tell him...he'll kick my ass.hehehe...what should i do? sometimes our whole relationship seems very two-dimensional...hehehe..fire fire fire...hehehehe__________________
Dear Sybil,
I did not print all of your requests this time. The general public could not handle such a concentrated dose of wisdom. Please be patient and we will get to your call eventually. Of course I will help your "friends". Mr. Wonderful is nothing if not magnanamous and inclined toward hobnobbing.1) Sit her down, give her a drink and just tell her straight out. She'll be shaken, not stirred, and you'll find that modern women are very swift to recover from these sorts of revelations. Why if I had to worry about telling every woman my past I'd never get to first base as often as I do. Be free, open, and honest, bearing in mind that your girl will probably take a bullet for you in the next few days anyway.
2) Wow. You have issues. I've seen you boys before, doing your little dances and let me tell you: I see the spark. There's something there that your partner just can't deny any longer. But Heed, it does not Behoove Us to cower afraid of our emotions.
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WONDERFUL OUT OF TIME!
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I'M SORRY, WONDERFUL...
Recently, some friends I have made on the Net and AOL have been asking me for advice...***************PART TWO*********************
3) Mr. Wonderful,
Please help me. I'm a very powerful man but when my wife's around I'm nothing. I'm supposed to be a leader upon whom hundreds of millions rely upon, yet I can't even choose a tie without her approval. This relationship causes me to overeat. I've gained so much weight, not a few weeks one of my knees ruptured from the added strain. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I can't make any decisions at all and my performance in the bedroom...let's just say I need a rise in the polls. Please give me some advice that won't cause any independent counsel to be involved.4) Mr. Wonderful,
My family is a mess. My daughter married and divorced a skinny, little, germ-fearing pedophile. My ex-wife, the worst actress ever, is in movies and on TV all the time based on the strength of my name alone. And I got people visiting my house at all hours of the day and night...as if it was some sort of sideshow attraction. What can i do? Also, I don't seem to get out much anymore and I have been dead for the past twenty years.5) Dear Mr. W.
I used to be a nerd...the stereotypical 98 lb weakling. However, I underwent an intense physical fitness program supplemented by heavy steroid use. The change was dramatic...my muscles were huge...I even grew taller...unfortunately...there were some side effects...the 'roid rages are terrible, violently destructive and my skin turned green. I got the 'roids where I work out..at this gym in the middle of the desert...near some sort of military testing facilities. Since my trnasformation, people avoid me even fear me. What should I do?6) Dear Mr. Capitalistic Wonderpig,
I'm the dictator for life of a small Caribbean nation. I rule with an iron hand yet I have a tender side. I take bubble baths...I love my cats...I listen to opera. Yet the whole world just sees this military strongman...how can let the world know that I have a feminine side?________________________
Dear Masses,
3) Well, friend, it seems as though you've already figured everything out. Doing a little self-advising, huh? Think this is easy? YOU THINK THIS IS EASY? COME IN *HERE* WITH YOUR CHEAP DIAGNOSIS? IN *HERE*? "Oooh, It's my wife, and I eat too much and no one likes me and it's a big secret..."SHUT-UP! JUST SHUT-UP! YOU SAY, "I know nothing, Mr. Wonderful, teach me." THAT'S ALL! I SAY, "CONFESS" YOU SAY "What language, Mister Wonderful?"!!!!
Your problem is self-esteem. Get some drugs.4) Fat lot of good that Black Belt is now, eh? Never fear, your worries will soon be over. Mr. Wonderful has it on good authority that your "daughter" was actually sired by that clone of you the Army made while you were in Germany. So don't worry about that freak-lovin' bastard. As to your ex, she is not the *worst* actress in the world. I mean, there's...um. Right, better get Red and Sonny to whack her. As to your house, just haunt the mother!
5) What should you do? SMASH! Goshdarnit, if we had more people smashing this country wouldn't be in the state it is. So Bruce, uh, David, I have a question for you: Where do you get those amazing pants that rip to shreds in the calf when you gain 500 pounds of muscle, yet maintain the waist and belt? That's svelte, boyo.
6) Well, you can't come out on network TV, that's been done to death. I suggest you invade France and announce from there while sipping a nice Chablis.
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WHACK-A-WONDER!!!!!!
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WONDERUPHAGUS
And now a question for Monsignor MeravigliosoIs there any truth to the theory that to be a film auteur, you have to have serious problems?
Ex. 1 - The claw-your-eyeballs-out neuroses of Woody Allen
Ex. 2 - The in-your-face anger of Kevin Smith
Ex. 3 - The creepy, Ian-Velteynishness of Orson Welles
Ex. 4 - The severe-head-trauma fluidity of Federico Fellini
Ex. 5 - John Waters.
Just asking.____________________
Dear Someone-Who-Is-Not-At-All-Bert-Lahr-Like-I-Don't-Know-What-I-Was-Thinking,
Creative genius and madness have often gone hand in hand. In fact, the other day I swear I saw them buying ice cream cones together down in Central Park. Wait until Creative Genius' wife finds out! There'll be some feathers flying then, and don't say I didn't warn them.
One has to wonder, though...if your anger, megalomania, myopic vision, what have you, gives you the ability to earn the respect of your peers, sleep with lots of film groupies and make a bit of cash, is it really a problem? I mean, where I come from, that's called playing to your strengths. What you call problems, auteurs call research. They could make bland, middle of the road "Cocktail"-type films if they wanted, but then no one would know their names. Deviance = recognizability. It's not a problem.
And Spike Lee is very hurt that you left him off your cracker-lovin' list.
MR. WONDERFUL'S _TOMMY_
dear mr wonderblunder,if glass is really a liquid then how come it can break and cut people?
Ms. W. Index, esquire
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Dear Squeaky,
Who says liquids can't cut? Let me see, here in our copy of "Boswell's 19th Century Edition Dictionary for People Who Are Making Things Up" we have...gasbag...gadzooks...gladhanding...oh wait, I'm looking up liquid, hold on...lazy, lensman...lucifer, too far...lick...lidpolisher...linseed...lipthrasher...Liquid, ha! Yep, yep, yep...see? Absolutely no mention of the non-cutting properties of liquid. Nowhere does it read "Oh, and another thing liquids never do is cut people, they're really quite safe to give to children." So obviously your surprise about glass, a super-cooled liquid if I ever laid my eyes on one, is due to rampant assumption.
Mr. Wonderful had a case of rampant assumption once. It also involved breaking glass and a keg of Guinness. I assumed that in addition to being all-knowing and devilishly handsome, I was nigh-invulnerable, too. Imagine my shock! Many a laugh was had that night 'round the blood-spattered toilet, let me tell you.
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WONDERFUL MISSED A TAG-LINE
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BACK TO WONDERFUL
Straight from my mailbox to yours....
Replies to Mr. WonderfulFrom Weak-knee Willie: Drugs? But I don't know how to inhale.
From the Green Bay Smacker: Puny Wonderful....Hulk wear Dockers...not just pants!!!!
From the Swishy Strongman: I think I'll just go back to sucking on cigars.
From the Spy Who Loved Her: Teresa...NOOOOOOO!.....Blofeld!.....Highlander!!!!
From the Rotund Rocker: Well, thank you...thank you very much...
And on a sad note, one of our correspondents will no longer be recieving these pearls of e-mail wisdom, as she lost her job. Again. Mr Wonderful is happy to report he had nothing to do with it, but please, if any of you thought you might write her using that address, you can't. We'll let you know if she comes back on-line.***********
THIS IS THE WONDER
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'PON MY WONDERFUL
Mr Wonderful,What light through yonder window breaks?
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Dear Shakey,
Tis the yeast, and Jelly is the bun.Your question reveals your inadequate knowledge of the modern definitions of "light", "window", and "break". You have a pretty good handle on "yonder", but that is irrelevant in this context. But soft...All windows are closed Windows and Breaking is but popping less the news come first; my lights, my light, particles wave and drearyŃ a subtle plasma photon, nothing's there at all.Tis the priest, and Juicy Fruit is his gum.
Tis the Beast, and, jiminy, he's got a gun.
To say the least, this is a pretty good run.
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CAN'T SLEEP? WONDERFUL!
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WIDE WORLD OF WONDERFUL
Mr Wonderphil,I was watching the movie "Lethal Weapon" last night and I noticed something strange. All of the nudity, profanity and other...naughty bits...were all gone. I saw the movie in the theater and I know it's chock full of...naughty bits. Is there something wrong with my TV? Where I can I go to have it fixed?
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Dear Mr. Bunker,
Yes, there is something wrong with your TV, but there's nothing you can do about it. Since 1986, all televisions in the United States have been equipped with a RAND corporation designed "Hypnotic Switch". These were installed and maintained at the behest of the Federal Government. People who owned older sets had their homes broken into and the device was added manually by DEA agents.
The Hypnotic Switch is used by those who control the airwaves to determine what gets seen. It was developed to prevent people from switching channels during commercials: instead of actually showing the commercial, the company could hypnotize the viewer and beam the information directly into the brain. The government quickly siezed upon this as a way of broadcasting the President's State of the Union Address. By "Hypno-Casting", they could convince everyone that the President was in charge of at least two brain cells, a state that historians have determined ended in 1967.
The abuses of this chip are widespread, not the least in this "naughty bits" controversy. The movie was actually shown in its entireity, but every time a government-determined "naughty bit" appeared, the Hypnotic Switch shut off your brain functions. You never noticed and Europeans with satellite dishes got their rocks off.
Do not bother looking for the Switch. The first thing it does is hypnotize you into thinking it's invisible.
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WONDERFUL'S TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT
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WONDERFUL NEWS
Monsieur Etonnant,What comicbook is the best representation of the human condition?
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Dear Yumbundles,
Well now, that is an interesting question. In fact, that's the most interesting question we've recieved yet. Just the other day we were saying to ourselves, "When are we going to get a really interesting question, one that speaks to *our* needs, to *our* interests? When are people going to realize that we avoid using the word "receive" because we're really unclear on this whole "i before e" thing due to a childhood trauma suffered at the hands of a sherpa? And that we're aware of it, so don't be sending snide comments about "siezed"? Where are those readers who will just give us a setup and back off?" And here is your question, succint and spectacular, wonderful in itself, so wonderful that you'll be recieving a special Wonderful Prize in the mail.
But as to your query: The Human Condition is a mysterious and volatile thing, like a wombat under a blanket. What four-color funnybook could hope to capture its infinite variety and complexity? Well...
SPIDER-MAN: Shows that good guys sometimes lose and that with great power comes great responsibility. Loses points because no science geek is ever gonna marry a red-hot momma like Mary Jane Watson.
ARCHIE: The Riverdale gang prove that man is pack animal. All facets of humanity are shown: greedy, rich, poor, lazy. Archie's ambivalence on the Betty/Veronica question mirrors most male's Madonna/Whore complex. Lacks tears.
BATMAN: All of us had our parents murdered by adulthood. We all like looking at young boys in tights. We worship innocence and punish ourselves. The world is a dank playground of villainy and rust. This comic might best represent the Freudian/Jungian interpretation of the human psyche.
PREACHER: God's not in heaven and we're gonna kick ass until we find out why. Certainly anyone from a war-torn nation like Ireland can appreciate this, and what corner of the globe has not been scarred by war? Expresses the existential dillemas brought on by this millenial century. A prediliction for gay jokes.
SIN CITY: It never rains. It's always raining. He's dead. He's alive. She's a hooker. She's a savior. Sin City captures the contradictions of modern life and does it in black and white, too. The funny thing is, due to media saturation, life has become cliche, so a comic of cliches is pretty real.
SUPERMAN: I have to hide my nature from the people I love. I'm better than anyone. I'm afraid of success. I can do anything. I die and return, better than ever. Supes is the classic split nature Christo-American Dream. Too bad it's not healthy.
SWAMP THING: My choice for comic most representative of the human condition, and not just because it's cancelled. Humanity is explored by a shambling thing that is questing for his lost nature. It is only when he accepts that he never had it that it comes to him. Fall in love with the moss-covered monstrosity inside yourself. And ignore issues 66-140.
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SHOWERED IN WONDER!
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WONDERSTRAP
Dear Mr. Woe-Don-Diego,I'm a star struck kinda guy. I watch Entertainment Tonight, Extra, Access Hollywood, the E! Gossip Show every day. From this intense research, I have discovered that several of the biggest movie stars practice Scientology. I want to be famous too. Is Scientology the key to fame and fortune?
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Dear Middle-America,
No. Scientology is the key to my boot up your arse.
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WONDERFUL CAN TAKE CRUISE!
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RAW WONDER
*******you know, I thought Scientology bashing would be safer than the whole Mormon thing. Guess you can't get snippy with the Clear crowd...At 6:37 PM:
The god put on earth in a mortal shell.....shakes his head in disgust. *******Apparently he read it again and....At 6:41 PM:
The god in a mortal shell.....makes some proclamations:No more questions shall originate from me.
No more replies shall be sent from thou.
No more phone calls shall be made to thou.
Have a nice life, chucklehead.******** Which is funny, cuz it's actually the Jews who run things. Boy, are they gonna laugh at him when he shows up in Hollywood with his "Honk If You're A God" sticker.
******** And some people approved of my boot therapy for religious education...blunt is good. ******** Earlier, we came across what seemed to be a continuation of the "What light...breaks?" discussion. Here's the message in its entireity:
not to forget that the speed of events will have a decided effect on the cutting power of our favorite liquid, rather your next favorite liquid, next to your favorite liquid, and revealing an even more rhythmic response. I await your solution. Do not use pencil and be sure to completely fill in the circles. ********* I'm not sure if that's a query or not, but don't I have the best readers in the world? God love 'em all!
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WONDERFUL SUCKS--SO GET IN LINE
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TOO WONDERFUL
I have two questions:Did they ever put The Thing on underoos? I think that would be a potentially difficult thing to explain to your friends at a slumber party...
I was pouring milk into my bowl of "Special K" cereal this morning when I noticed that it was making the same noises as Rice Crispies. Did Snap, Crackle and Pop move?
Thanks for your time, You're wonderful... (In case you didn't know.)
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Dear Sycophant,
Whatever happened to greetings and sign-offs? It's a sad day in this world when people don't want to make up little nick-names for themselves that I can make fun of.
Your questions say little, but reveal much about the asker (I got that from a fortune cookie).
1) No, in fact, *none* of the Fantastic Four were ever put on Underoos. This was the seventies, as you'll recall, and there was just too much innuendo flying through the air. If you had a rocky, orange butt and the title "Thing" over your package, you were bound to get some teasing. "The Human Torch" subjected you to gay bashing. "Mr. Fantastic" seems pretentious (mea culpa), as well as Disco-oriented. Finally, both feminists and moralists would be shocked by the "Invisible Girl" Underoos, popular as they would be today.
Mr. Wonderful is proud to say however, that he managed to wrestle up a prototype for another set of 'roos that were never produced. Now he goes to bed every night as "Doctor Doom".2) Snap, Crackle and Pop, those clever little bastards, were over my house the other night. I asked them what the deal was: Did they moonlight? Was the Krispies gig too limiting? They revealed that Satan had called them home to his infernal roost, and their infernal majesty forbade them to appear in any further breakfast cereals, so as to prepare for the coming Apocalypse. The cereal duties have been taken over by a PR firm out of Akron, Ohio. Apparently there have been some quality control slip-ups.
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WONDERFUL, FULL OF WONDER
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GRUMPY OLD WONDERFUL
***********The world is a mysterious place, full of drama and ambiguity. To spread some of it around, we present responses to Wonder....
**********This one has to do with the miffed Scientologist "God in a Mortal Shell" and his threats to cut me off:In Light of the most recent Wonderful issues I've recieved, I just want to comment on one...well actually two.
Seeing as my God is a patient and loving God, I came to the conclusion that the message written to you recently could not have been from a God at all. I am a firm believer in monotheism, (sometimes moonotheism, too). I never sway. I also know that my God believes I am right so I must be because God said so. To make a long point a line, the being who sent you the "disconnect" message was, and I am certain of this, SUPERMAN.
After reading your explaination of humanity's expression through comics, I realize that only Superman could be so certain and have such an extreme reaction without bothering to justify himself. He doesn't think he has to. Let me illustrate my point:
"I'm better than anyone./I'm afraid of success./ I can do anything./ Supes is the classic split nature Christo-American Dream./ Too bad it's not healthy" I especially agree with the last two statements. Either Superman is in denial and needs our help or his new suit is constricting his blood flow.My other idea was that the sender was a lawyer who wants to become Superman. Poor guy... I think this idea is highly unlikely as most lawyers are smarter than this.
I'm tellin' ya it's gotta be Superman.
**************And while we're on the subject of comics and life...
I would like to add a few, and while those who know me will find them predictable, I have old dog eared copies of "Myth Adventures" to hold over their head.
JIMMY CORRIGAN: Between all the events that happen in one's life, there's a lot of down and in between time that creates the texture upon which said events are scrubbed. And everyone's got something to sell but me and my money.
LOVE & ROCKETS: No description necessary.
***************For those not "in the know" Jimmy Corrigan is part of the Acme Novelty Library, an oddly shaped bundle of award-winning comic funtasy published Fantagraphics. Love and Rockets was an over-sized comic before it was a band, and was also published by Fantagraphics. Let he who is without product placement cast the first stone.
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WONDERFUL REDUX
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UH, WONDER?
Dear Dr. Drew,I'm a 20 yr old guy with a 1 inch penis when erect. I've had a number of relationships with women end once we get to the intimate stage and they see my...shortcomings. I'm pretty good with my tongue but the bottom line is these women seem to want more bang for the buck. What should I do?
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Dear Slappy,
Oh my, these sorts of things happen all the time. I get Dr. Drew's mail, he gets Ann Landers, Marilyn vos Savant digs through Ted Casablanca's trash...Most of the time we just forward the stuff along, but I know that Drew would want me to handle this one, as I am a fully-qualified smart-ass.
Three things immediately leap to mind whilst reading your query:
1) You share too much.
2) Charge them more than a buck.
3) Your only solution is to become a transvestite lesbian. What was once a frighteningly small penis is now a gargantuan clitoris. Get going, Sappho!*********************
PLAY WONDERFUL, BABY
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WONDERAMA
Dear Mr. Wonderful,I just learned that Sam Raimi is one of the creators of "Xena" and apparently his brother Ted Raimi plays the character of Joxer. Isn't Sam just too big for TV? How did he come to do a TV show, much less one for "WB"? Was "The Quick and the Dead" such a flop that he had to mortgage his soul? Am I the only one that thinks he's the first guy since Clint to have the balls to do a real Western? Jeesh.
Signed,
The Nielson Family___________________
Dear Evil Dead,
He's not just a creator, he's also the executive producer. Sam (with his other brother, Ivan) devised the witty and urbane "Hercules" series, and threw the full might of Rennaisance Pictures behind "Spy Game". With the exception of "Spy Game" (which crashed and burned like Steve McQueen in a spaceship) all Sam's new shows are in syndication, which means it's only a coincidence that the Warrior Princess is on "WB". Do you know why, for the first time in ten years there is no "Star Trek" show in the Top Syndication Rating Slot? Because Herc and Xena are 1 and 2.
What I figure is, Sam did not turn into the new Alfred Hithcock as the Studios had hoped he would. Sam made his movies, his way, and let history decide if he was not, indeed, the most brilliant and innovative stylist of our age. Studios said, History doesn't pay the bills and we'll call you sometime. Sam (and his enormously talented brothers) were left with this production company, a few props, and buckets of money. What else to do but to turn to the budgets you're used to and the genres close to your heart? Make some shows, hack and slash, sell 'em on the syndie circuit..and thus a Lucy Lawless vehicle was born. Sam is like Rocky at the end of the first film...he went the distance, but lost. He'll be back.
An interesting note: It is in fact true that Clint Eastwood and Sam Raimi are the only men with any sort of balls at all in Hollywood. All the other testicles in town are being kept in a Walt Disney Cryo-tube (tm) for insurance purposes. Sam got out of the business before the harvest and Clint just turned the place into a bloodbath.
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WONDER FOR LIFE!
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WONDERFEST
dear mr swell,speaking of snap, crackle, and pop . . . today i met two women who were working on setting up a display in some glass cases in the study center at my college. one of the glass doors to a case spontaneously burst into tiny pieces as the the woman stood there; she hadn't even touched it. We came in to see glass in a wide radius all over the floor, and I could hear that the glass was still cracking, snapping, and popping on it own accord. When i watched carefully, i could see little pieces jumping like popcorn. It was eerie! my boss said that something similar had happened to her once: the glass shower door had spontanously exploded as she was taking a shower, and there she stood, naked in a field of broken glass, unable to move for fear of laceration . . .
is this another case of quality control slip-ups? liquids are more dangerous than i originally had guessed!
love,
madame shard________________
Dear Cinderella,
I asked the Board of Poltergeist Control about your glass case phenomena and they said breakfast cereals had nothing to do with it. I'm not so sure. When an ad-exec from Akron, Ohio gets ahold of an idea, there ain't much to do but pull down your hat and lock up your chastity belt.
As for the shower, that might have been me. I used to do a lot of astral-projecting in my younger days.
Mr. Wonderful is considering holding a symposium on Dangerous Liquids sometime in the near future. It's Bring Your Own Philosophy, though, so stock up on brain cells. Clothing optional.
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WONDERAMATRIX MUNDI
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CARRY ON WONDERFUL
Dear Comrade Wonderborscht,In your infinite "Jean de Schallot" like, movie critic wisdom is there a place where lie the names of the following grandeous pseudo-foreign films? (Say that five times fast while chugging a cement mixer)
Film #1 This is a film set in the place of my re-birth, Blarney Ireland. It stars Colm Meany (Deep Space 9's Chief Miles O'Brien), and a host of other Mc's and O's that I can't remember. In this really spiffadiferous film Colm is a mild mannered Irish journeyman with seven kids. One is a daughter that gets knocked up (please excuse my technical terms... it is plowed in laymans terms) by the sixty year old next door neighbor, who has five of his own kids. I won't go into detail, but as in any small town scandal takes over. The film does however end happily with Colm in a Dublin pub drinking to his first grand daughter.
Film #2 This film staring Robin Williams...? Starts out in Moscow, as far as I can tell. The first half of the film is in Russian with sub titles. He ends up in New Jork with the circus and defects... Very profound film... Profoundly strange... I think it was during the height of Senior Thesbian Williams' cocaine use.
Anyway there's the poop... How about that Saturday night "Tick MAYnia" Marathon? All the justice you can eat!
Jesterlovich
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Dear Siskel,
I *hate* Cement Mixers.
Film #1: Any ending in a pub is a happy ending, right? Of course, now we've absolutely spoiled it for any Wonderful readers who hadn't seen it...In any case, the film is called "The Snapper" and does indeed star Colm "Patron Saint of Irish Film-making" Meaney. Funniest moment: The "Pedro the Sailor Man" song.
Film #2: The hirsute Mr. Williams blazed his way into just about nobody's heart with this mis-marketed shambles "Moscow On The Hudson". If it came out before Belushi died, then Mork was definitely ripped on blow during every scene. Not quite the career maker that "World According to Garp" was.
Tick Maynia? Wonderful get no cable...Wonderful sad. And when Wonderful get sad, Wonderful get SMASHED!
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PAX WONDERFUL
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WONDER ALLA TIME
*************More backtalk from the experts...
As painful as this is for me to say, I have come across a mistake in your answer to the "Thing" underoos. Right before the decline of the underoos industry, they not only had the Thing, but Fred Flinstone, and the Flash. Three disturbing examples of how deeply disturbed the company higher-ups were. There is a theory that these may have led to the decline of Underoo. Upon request, I will be happy to transcribe the words to the commercial, along with the entire Skittles original jingle. It's all here in the lint-trap part of my brain.
*********Do we have a mandate? Write in, folks, and let us know if you'd like to be regaled by the Ghost of Jingles Past. I stand by my original statement, though: A big, rocky, orange butt does not exist in *my* universe.
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CAN WONDERFUL GO THE DISTANCE?
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MR. WONDERFUL'S MACHINE GUN
Here's another coupla questions right up your dark alley.
Akira is considered to be the finest product of Japanimation by most. Are there others that could be considered classics of the form?Just wondering.
Why do Hong Kong action films kick ass so much?
What's the best American film ever?
What's the worst American film ever?
How long is it from time to time?
Why is abbreviated such a long damn word?
If your aunt had testicles, would she be your uncle?
If you keep picking at it, will it ever heal?P.S Go to your local bookstore, humor section, look for "The Von Hoffmann's Big Damn Book of Sheer Manliness" or ask for it by name. Primo reading.
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Dear Studboy,
1) AKIRA!!!!!! TETSUOOOOOOOO!!!!!! CHIEF! MCCLOUD. Nothing beats Akira for sheer shouting and oozing. Visually, "Ghost In The Shell" is a humdinger, but lacks mythic resonance. They are re-releasing "Battle of the Planets" as "Gatchaman" and the more accurate translation makes almost as little sense. I'd say the only other truly classic anime is "Star Blazers". And all you Robotech fans can kiss my wonderful ass.
2) Pure Chow.
3) The best American Film? oooh, that's a toughie. Best film made by Americans, or the film that best expresses American values? If it's the latter, then "Pulp Fiction" is in a dead (you should pardon the expression) heat with "Evil Dead II". If it's the former, then I gotta say...umm, I can't think of any movie I really love that didn't have a foreigner as director, or writer or actor...hurm. Tells you something, dunnit? Let's say "Godfather II" and be done with it.
4)I really hated "Hook".
5) That's a rather personal question, isn't it?
6) It's short for "Abbreviatedeleriumenstrundulationareactocarbonucliecastratedarianism" which is an old Latin word for "smart-ass questions get smart-ass answers". Part of the Wonderful family crest, actually.
7) Depends on where she kept them.
8) Nope.
P.S. Will do, skipper. I loves them strapping big men.
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YES, YOUR WONDERFULNESS
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Tue, 13 MAY 1997
REWONDER
**********Comments from YOU, the faithful five thousand, on subjects ranging from liquid to uh...movies. Not a lot of range there, sorry.
i like the idea of a dangerous liquids symposium, especially clothing optional. i imagine that i would opt for clothing, though, based on the nature of the topic. those heavy rubber boots and aprons that one wears when working with strong acids and the like come to mind . . . **********As the cops burst through the door and spy half of us in heavy rubber riot gear holding beakers and the other half sipping Jack Daniels in our birthday suits, we need only look up and shout, "This is *science*, dammit!"
About these here dangerous liquids. . . would it be safe to say that Grape Soda is one of them? ***********Oh, absolutely. Dangerous is as dangerous does. Sorry, I can't get the rubber apron imagery out of my head. I think I feel a new fetish coming on...
By the way, the best American film is "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance". It shows the value of a good education, the importance of the democratic process, the virtues of true love, the damages of alcohol abuse, and best of all...lots of people get shot full of holes. ***********Especially, presumably, Mr. Valance himself. I wouldn't know, as the film's only been on order at the local public library for a year and a half. Not that Wonderful needs a library, understand. We just like to support noble experiments.
***********I now have the Underoos lyrics triple-encrypted and locked on my hard drive. They will be going up as part of the next update to the Wonderful Archives. Thank you to "Nathan Lane's Big Brother" in NJ for sharing his wisdom.
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WONDERFUL BADDA BOOM!
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Back to Behemoth... Back to the Librarium Index... or On to May Part Two
Wisdom and Wit © 1997 Mark Anthony Masterson. Thank you to all the querents (Especially Matt and Tekurah, who played along first), long may your lights blink mercilessly.
