Wed, 14 May 1997Please send your queries c/o misterdark@mail.geocities.com
FRESH HOT WONDER ONNA STICK
Dear Wonderful,
Is there really an Easter Bunny?
Yours Truly,
Miss Georgia
_________________Dear Fluffernutter,
Of course there is. Otherwise, where do all the Cadbury Creme Eggs
come from? Huh? You think they just grow on trees, you daft ninny?
Think that some benevolent god just showers the earth with them like a
crazed Italian peasant woman feeding chickens? Are you so unbelievably
stupid as to entertain the notion that the Eggs just *appear* in
chocolate? Can your feeble mind grasp any notion of probability, or has
the brain damage taken away all vestiges of rational thought, leaving
you the sort of helpless buffoon that believes Cadbury Creme Eggs are a
disgusting sugary mess and not the goody-good droppings of a magical
rabbit?The fertility goddess Eastre was pretty miffed when Jesus stole her
holiday. Luckily the Saxons managed to hold on to the sacred hare and
he bears the torch to this day.Here's a quick guide:
RABBITS THAT ARE ALIVE
The Easter Bunny
Brer Rabbit (lives on moonshine and cigarettes)
The Trix Rabbit (but he's frustrated)
Peter Cottontail (but he's very old)
The Velveteen Rabbit (but he's demonically possessed)RABBITS THAT ARE DEAD
Bugs Bunny**********************
THE WORLD OF WONDERFUL!
**********************
BIG BIG WONDER
So, along these dangerous liquid lines. . . What's the most dangerous
liquid you personally have encountered?Where is the most beautiful place on the Earth?
If you had a pint of Guinness in one hand, and the new copy of a Frank
Miller Sin City in the other, approximately how many seconds would it
take to reach spiritual fulfillment?How hard did you laugh when you heard the Trumps were divorcing?
And most importantly, How come the beautiful women of the world always
seem to marry or date the graduates of Reverend Jim's School for
Quasimodo's Rejects?Just wondering
P.S. Hugh Laurie wrote a book, The Gun Seller , seen it yet?
________________Dear Just Us,
One more giant-Encyclopedia-Britannica-sized set of questions like this
and I'm gonna need a truss.1) The most dangerous liquid...sounds like a movie for the late Richard
Burton. I would have to say it was "Pink Champale," a malt liquor of
unusual distinction. You know how they found grain in those Egyptian
tombs that was still viable? Well, they found Pink Champale right next
to it, and it hadn't fared as well. The bottle's heavy, too, making it
doubly dangerous.2) I'd show you, honey, but... oh, I can't go through with it. The
most beautiful place on earth, honestly, is any place in Ireland, right
after a rainstorm.3) Just reading the question has given me a chubby. .1113 seconds is
my estimate.4) Bwah-ha-ha-ha!! And now he's mine, ALL MINE! I laughed like a
little girl....5) Well, you should know. Joking! I'm joking! You are every bit as
cutesy-wootsie as your wife. Come on down to Wonderful Labs and I'll
prove it. No, the simple answer, as evidenced by examining the Tax
Records of Ric Ocasek, Billy Joel, Reny Harlin, Lyle Lovett and David
Duchovny (Joking! I'm joking!), is Satanic Pacts.P.S. I haven't gotten that yet, but Stephen Fry has written TWO books,
the big poofter. One's called "The Hippopotamus" and the other is a
secret.*******************
WONDER IN MY TROUSERS!
*******************
WONDERBUNNY!
*********I seem to have touched a nerve... You're all crazy for rabbits!
*********#1:Dear Blunderfull,
My dearest wishes to know what sex the Easter Bunny must be to lay an
egg?Just wondering
___________________Dear Warren,
The Easter Bunny is a totem of Fertility, hence the rabbit *is* Sex,
man. It is a ticking timebomb of fecundity. It is a throbbing,
rub-o-matic honeymoon bed of hormones in a rampaging hormone sea. It
makes trees bloom when there's no one near 'em. It gets rocks to mate.
You think pumping out eggs is a problem?Actually, have you ever seen that Warner Brothers cartoon where they
parody Frank Sinatra as a Rooster and he makes all the lady chickens
squirt eggs? Well, at the end of that one, Porky Pig gets a bit squirty
himself. The Easter Bunny works in much the same manner.*********#2:
in addendum to your list of living lagomorphs,
o great wonderful guy,
i feel obliged to ad that all the wonderful rabbits
of the stories told to us by Richard Addams in _Watership
Down_ are very much alive and well, from Fiver to
General Woundwort.it saddens me to hear that bugs is dead. i was very much
in love with him as a child, and he is still my model
of ultimate sex appeal. However, the bugs that has been
appearing on t-shirts nowadays with the hip-hop attire
is not the rabbit that i fell in love with as a child,
so maybe he has died and been replaced by something
very different?with deep respect,
(really?)britomartis
_______________________Dear Britta,
Yes, of course! Let us not forget Mr. Addam's Reservoir Rabbits, those
bloodthirsty psychopaths.The image of Bugs Bunny that now appears on T-shirts and in films is
not, as some have guessed, a clone of the original wascal. It is in
fact an actor, in a suit, who has sold his soul to the mighty Warner
Gods for some quick bucks. An actor with no dignity to speak of. An
actor who will burn in the nine hells for eternity. An actor named Gary
Coleman.**********#3: (winner of the "Make Wonderful Blush" competition)
"goody-good droppings from a magical rabbit"? So you mean to tell me
that I've been eating the sugary shit of some sacred Saxon beast all
these years? The idea seems a little repulsive at first, but since I
like Cadbury eggs, I'm starting to wonder what the feces of other gods
tastes like. Why didn't anybody ever market the shit of Jesus as a
holiday treat? Or, for that matter, candied Christmas Christ placenta?
How much would someone pay for Jesus' sugared foreskin?
_________________Goodnight, everybody!
*************#4:
Dr Wonderful,I read your response about the easter bunny making those yummy chocolate
creme eggs. Craving chocolate I went to local mini-mart where they were
all out of chocolate. So I went to the cage of my sister's pet rabbit
and by some miracle he was laying these mini-chocolate eggs...at least
they looked like chocolate...they didn't taste like it. What do you
think the rabbit was laying and was it safe for me to eat?
_________________Dear Divine,
Oh, it was probably Carob.
*****************
UP ALL NIGHT WITH WONDERFUL
*****************
TASTY WONDER
Dear Mr. Wienerfull,Why is it that we can't get the "Dog" and "Bun" community to agree on
one length for their co-dependant products. Is there some sort of
conspiracy at work here? Could this be a plot to choke the average
hotdog consumer with those excess bun pieces? Is there some sort of
shortage of lips and assholes at the wiener plant, or an overstock of
bun dough at the bun plant? Or could wieners and buns be produced by two
totaly different species of being living on different planets at
opposite ends of the galaxy, that are unaware of each other? If the
latter, then why can't we inform them of their collective mistake?Plumpwhencooked
P.S. You wouldn't happen to be an operative for the makers of Wonder
brand hotdog buns would you...?
___________________Dear Oscar,
I haven't read a paragraph with that many wieners and buns in it since
I finished "Hard Ramone Stranglemuffin Goes Sailing With Nine Strapping
Men" last year.The trouble with contacting alien races is that their number is always
busy and they're too cheap to get call waiting. Plus, it takes two days
just to punch in the damned area code. In any case, the problem with
Hot Dogs is right here on Earth.The controversy began with the First Vatican Council in 1870. Many of
the gathered Cardinals felt that the proper Frankfurter dimensions were
to be based on the writings of Saint Remigius, a relatively modest
length befitting the castrated Monk's sensibilities. Others (mostly
American) argued for the Schweenus Petra, or "Peter's Foot". The
Schweenus had long been used in the New World, based on apocryphal
accounts of the early days of the Apostles and their enormous
appetites. Pope Pius IX labored for compromise, for if the Council
disbanded over this issue, he'd never get them to help him move that
stuff out of the garage. In the end, neither side would back down and
it was determined that not only was the Pope infallible from then on,
but that Schweenists could only bake buns and Remilics could only grind
out links. Another great day for the Catholic Church.******************
SLOW WONDER TO BURN
******************
WORKING WONDER
Dr Mr. Wonderful,
I know you can help me w/ the moral dilemma I now possess, I
have just been offered a job in the Fugitive Emissions field.A) What does the job actually entail???
B) Who is the foremost expert in the field???
C) Will it hurt my love life when I'm forced to use phrases like "HI,
I'm in Fugitive Emissions, wanna go back to my place??"D) Will my children have more than the normal # of appendages???
Thanks,
Waste Gas in Houston
______________Dear Desperate,
Fugitive Emissions? We don't need no stinkin' Fugitive Emissions...
A) The phrase "Rogered by an uncomfortably large concrete cylinder
wrapped in sandpaper for a thousand years" does rather leap to mind.B) The foremost expert in the Field of Fugitive Emissions? That would
be my step-father and his hilarious "Where's that Duck?" routine.C) Yes. Permanent scarring is more attractive.
D) Assuming you ever have children (see above), they will certainly be
normal as regards appendages. It's the total lack of body hair that
will cause problems.********************
WONDERFUL-RIGHT AS RAIN
********************
READERS WONDER
*************Points of Public Interest...
**********On the Subject of "Odd Couples", HOCKEY DIVA writes:If beautiful women are 'always' dating and/or marrying ugly men, then we
average women should be overloading on all the gorgeous guys left over,
yes?This is not happening. At least not on my side of the universe. And
how I wish it were so. I could be comforting dear Sergei Federov as we
speak. But, if we examine closely, we see that it is not a case of
Beautiful Loves Ugly. Indeed, it is a case of Money Loves Money. Or
Hollywood Loves Hollywood. Image Loves Image. Like attracts like,
baby, and that's the way the baby bathwaters.**********Wonderful can't argue with that.
**********CLOBBERIN' TIME asks:Has anyone else heard about the Nick Fury TV movie about to be made that
stars David Hasselhoff? I'd like to get some opinions.**********Far more horrifying from Wonderful's point of view is that the
tele-film is scripted by the same idjit as committed "THE CROW II: City
of Ripoffs". Hasselhoff (Germany's #1 recording star) can only improve
the material, I'm sure. But write in anyway, and we'll wrestle this
topic to the ground.*********************
THE WONDERFUL YEARS
*********************
SID AND WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
Okay, so I guess Bruce Willis gets to have a childhood dream
come true, and star in a blatant rip-off of "Bladerunner". My question
is, what is up with Gary Oldman? And what's that Zip-Lock (TM) bag
humping his head for? When is Gary going to break his streak of
over-the-top acting flicks (re: The Professional, Amadeus, etc)?
Signed,
J. Wharton
_______________Dear Ebert,
Before we get to your question, let us look at the many *differences*
between "Blade Runner" and "The Fifth Element":
BR: Los Angeles - 2019 FE: New York - 2214
BR: Always raining FE: Never rains
BR: Happy ending tacked on FE: Happy ending built-inSo you see, the French really do know what they're doing.
What is up with Gary Oldman? Simple. The World's Greatest Living
Actor woke up one morning (next to Isabella Rosselini -bastard!) and
realized: "Hey, wait a second... why bash my head into the wall trying
to create the most realistic character portrayals in the history of the
universe when I could just fake it like everyone else?" And so the man
who I once felt should be the recipient of every major award in all
fields (in fact, I went before the Academy and politely suggested that
they change their awards to the Garys) has become tidily rich, phoning
in performances from the Aruba section of his brain.Mr. Malice, far more forgiving than I, believes that Mr. Oldman has
simply become bored. Having gone unappreciated for so long, he has
decided to challenge himself and let the public be damned. When he is
given a character, he immediately designs a parallel universe, complete
with new physical rules, galactic structures, planets, religions,
economies and genders. He then proceeds to act from the standards of
that other world. His performances are as flawless as ever, but must be
seen from another dimension to be appreciated.The plastic thingie on his head? Sneeze-guard.
****************
WONDERFUL IS FOREVER
****************
ANOTHER WONDERFUL MONSTER
OK, keep your hands and arms inside until the questions have come to a
complete stop.#1 - In a recent answer to a query, you said the Easter Bunny *is* sex.
Now I seem to recall a certain Iguana-lovin, lanky Las Vegasite as
having the original claim to *being* sex. What gives?#2 - At the place where I work, many of my male counterparts express
their approval, rather vocally, of attractive female customers. The
comments are almost always made for my benefit, it seems. Why do they
feel the need to bark at me when a beautiful woman walks by? Why not
bark at the woman?#3 - When I argue with my wife that the best American TV show was All in
The Family, the meathead tells me to stifle. She then offers The
X-Files as the best TV. When I lovingly explain, with sweeping arm
gestures, that it's technically made in Canada, she stares at me, and I
get these massive migraines from being hurled across the room by an
unseen force. My question is, Are my medical bills tax-deductible in
this case?#4 - Why did Wile E. Coyote keep doing business with ACME, when he had
such bad experiences with them?#5 - Who is Duke related to, Zonker's Mom or Dad?
#6 - Did you ever eat Crayolas?
#7 - Just to prove the amazing capacity of your mind, What kind of Hot
dogs did Carl Yazstremski advertise?Just Wondering
Encyclopedia Brown
_______________Dear Loquacious Lad,
You just enjoy doing this to me, don't you? Just like seeing if I can
handle the pressure....#1 - Have you ever seen them in a room together?
#2 - They bark at you because you are Alpha-male and it is up to you to
lead the pack in hunt. That, and because they're chicken-shit boys who
would suffer permanent brain lock if ever a pretty woman spoke to them
(cf. Berkeley Breathed, "The Far Side" circa 1986).#3 - Only if you filled out a 1320-Z Form at the beginning of the year.
Next please.#4 - In a word: Volume.
#5 - Duke is related to Zonker's mom. Hey, isn't Mike's new wife pretty
hot?#6 - Did I ever? Man, I invented the Crayola-kebab, The Crayola Shake
and The Crayola Surprise! But even that wasn't enough after a while...
I moved on to glow-in-the-dark sauces and Silly Putty tacos, hoping for
the ultimate in "labeled non-toxic" food pleasures. The Quest
continues... by the by, Magic cards are kinda dry.#7 - You know, I plump when I cook, too. Where I come from, they were
called Fenway Franks.**************
WONDERFUL SCORES
**************
WONDERFUL STANDS CORRECTED
***********Late Breaking Comments from presumably bored people...
*******Thoughts on The Fifth Element prompted ACTING COACH to note:Maybe the ZipLoc on Oldman's head gives him a fresh perspective on the
role...*******Is that a pun? Because if it is, it's gone bad.
*******And THE FRENCH STICKLER writes:first, medical bills that were not covered by insurance are deductible
to the amount of 7.5% of one's adjusted gross incomesecond, Yaz was the spokesperson for the politically correct KAHN'S
franks.*******Listen, as Aristotle said: People here are interested in Wisdom,
not your petty facts.
*******And this from THE HORSE'S MOUTH:yeah, YOU!
#4 - Why did Wile E. Coyote keep doing business with ACME, when
he had such bad experiences with them?q.v. Ian Frasier's "Coyote v. ACME". The title essay describes in
detail Mr. W.E. Coyote's suit against said company.Signed,
Ian Frasier*********I still maintain that it was the only place he could get bulk
discounts on bat-suits and catapults.*******************
IT'S FUGGN WONDERFUL!
*******************
STUNNING WONDERFUL
speaking of buns . . . someone was telling me just
recently how, even though kevin kostner usually
has butt-shots in movies that he is in, his last
movie didn't. do you think his valuable buttocks
were somehow damaged in an embarrassing way and
thus prevented from being shown on the big screen?speculation
______________________Dear Specs,
This is a common dilemma in my kind of work: Do you take the prime
set-up delivered by your erstwhile querent, or do you try to take things
to a higher level, surprising your audience and yourself?As much as I'd like to damage Mr. Kostner's buttocks, I have to obey the Laws of Truth (otherwise the Veracity Cops show up and I've got to get out my Philosophizing License, take a sobriety test: prove that Beauty's Truth, but not necessarily the other way 'round...it's a hassle). The simple Truth is, Mr. Kostner's buttocks make more money than he does. The producers of "Tin Cup" simply couldn't afford 15 million dollars per cheek. And the insurance costs doubled when Cheech Marin signed on.
But as a service to the world, I will open the floor to a write-in campaign...send your most embarrassing accident fantasy to "I WANT TO WHOMP KEVIN'S BUTT" c/o this address and we'll see to it that all the entries are sent along to Universal Studios, and possibly Kevin's Fan Club.
******************
WONDERFUL TAKES NO PRISONERS
******************
PUNCTUATING WONDERFUL
While no one has yet called us on this, we felt it important to note that through a slight oversight, some ambiguity appeared in a previous Answer:#2 - They bark at you because you are Alpha-male and it is up to you to lead the pack in hunt. That, and because they're chicken-shit boys who would suffer permanent brain lock if ever a pretty woman spoke to them (cf. Berkeley Breathed, "The Far Side" circa 1986).
The footnote is improperly ordered, as well as badly punctuated and formatted, making it seem as though Berkeley Breathed wrote "The Far Side", a physical impossibility. We meant to imply that our Alpha-male research had been done with Gary Larson's "The Far Side" and that the brain lock thesis came from "Bloom County" by Mr. Breathed.
A more proper wording would be: (cf. "The Far Side", "Bloom County" circa 1986)
A more humourous wording might be: (see Larson and Breathed, "The Far Side of Bloom County", 1986)
In any case, we apologize for the inconvenience. The persons responsible have been turned into Gerbil Wheels.
WONDER WYMYN!
Mr Wonderful,
Who is the most powerful woman in Hollywood?
_________________
Dear Woody,
For years there was only one answer to that question, and it was on every pundits lips: Madame Orndorff. That big gypsy lady was an unstoppable turnbuckle-tearin' machine. Many's the night we'd try to sit ringside, me and Roddy, hoping to learn some new moves from the Feminine Monster. But alas, the Gypsy Queen is no more, having succumbed to a rare disease of the Sphigx-Nutley Nodule.
Today, the most powerful woman in Hollywood is a hotly contested position. Babs, Roseanne, Oprah? They all claim the throne, yet won't decide the issue in a Steel cage match, as Mr. Wonderful suggested to their publicists not six months ago. A pox on all their houses! Mr. Wonderful declares that the most powerful woman in Hollywood is Salma Hayek! Do you hear that? Salma! She's stronger than gravity! She's brighter than the sun! She moves mountains! She walks on water! She's the goddess! The goddess! Let no man say nay!
Now maybe she'll return my calls....
************
SHAMELESSLY WONDERFUL
************
COUPLE OF WONDER
From Me:
I'm surprised I didn't ask this sooner. Why is Evil so darn seductive? Why are the favorite villains of popular culture so devoid of any virtue? Do we need our bad guys to be intelligent? Do we need our good guys to have a dark side?
Also, if anyone wishes to send their thoughts (serious, please, Mr. Wonderful's smarm is enough) please drop a line to pswitzer@eden.rutgers.eduP.S. Peej wants to know, If James Cameron's ALIENS fought with ID4's aliens, who would win? What about Gary Busey in Lethal Weapon vs. Alexander Gudenov in Die Hard? And who's the best Disney Villain ever?
__________________Dear George and Martha,
#1: Evil is seductive because it dresses better. Popular villains are devoid of virtue because it's hell to get off silk. Our bad guys only need to be intelligent enough to memorize their insidious plots and repeat them when the hero's tied up. As for dark sides, Oscar Wilde said it best: "I hope that you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. That would be hypocrisy."
#2: James Cameron's aliens from *"The Abyss"* could whomp those ID4 wimps, fer chrissakes. Talk about all bark and no bite. Sure, when they're in mile-long ships they act tough, but one punch from the Fresh Prince and they crumple like schoolgirls! My money is on the chest-bursters from word go.
The Busey/Gudenov battle is tougher, but I back Gudenov because he has better hair. Busey would try to get all fancy with electricity and stuff, but Gudenov would tough it out and look good doin' it.
The best Disney villain? The Beagle boys.
****************
HOP ON WONDERFUL
****************P.S. Kevin Costner mutilations are mounting up! Get a special report after this weekend!
WONDERFUL BRIEFS
Dear Mr. Vundervuilt,
Vere exactly IS the Aruba section of the brain? Is it where we go when on vacation from normal thoughts? Or is it where we go when underappreciated for our talents, and if this is the case should not we all be on vacation in Aruba?
-Waiter, move aside so I can see the sunset here in beautiful Aruba!-
_________________Dear Vlad,
We are *not* all underappreciated. Mr. Wonderful receives his due every day, and is quite sweaty because of it.
The Aruba section of the brain is in the back, right behind the forgotten birthdays, commanding a pristine view of the sensual daydreams.
-Waiter, there's an ass in my soup!-
********************
RIPPED FROM WONDER
********************And my apostle Q8 informs me that a recruit is joining the ranks! Hail to thee, newly enlightened of Santa Cruz!
WHERE DAT WONDERFUL?
***********BATMAN writes:
OMIGOD! IS WONDERFUL MISSING? WAS THAT WONDERFUL'S STRIKING PROFILE I SAW ON MY CARTON OF PARMALAT? Who will be left to spout off wiseass comments to those poor sould seeking just a sliver of enlightment? Who will lead the ignorant down the road to ignominy? If you haven't
guessed by now, you never will fanboy!**********Never fear, true believers, I've just been doing research in
Las Vegas for the past five days. I now know so much about coffee and
Vampires that I could sell garlic in Brazil. We will be getting to last
week's questions and comments after this brief bout of bus lag.***************
WON-DAH-FOOOOO!!!!
***************
WATERWONDERFUL
**********Kevin Costner has a long summer ahead of him if y'all have anything to do with it. So far we have hot pokers and tattoo guns leading the pack. Keep those buttock-disfiguring suggestions coming! They will be forwarded in one happy little anonymous package, letting Kevin and his studio know how much we care!*********And before we get to the new questions, some follow-ups...
*******After enlightening me on sacro-copro-phagia, BUTTMUNCH writes:Now, to respond to Mr. Wonderful's most powerful women in Hollywood...
I'm afraid I have no idea who Salma Hayek is. Roseanne gets points for constantly pushing Milk and Cheese, but there must be someone more deserving. I would have said the most powerful woman in Hollywood was Anne Ramsey, but she's dead. She's pretty powerful dead, too, and scary as hell. Just watch the Goonies or Throw Momma From The Train again, you'll see. She could've had an man she wanted, because if he refused, she would've broken him in half. One day she'll rise from the grave, and then we'll all be fucked, 'cause she'll be in an even worse mood than she was when she was alive. Fear large angry women, and offer them your first-born just so they don't kick the shit out of you.********Well, there's power and there's power...
*******SLUG SALLY offers this daily affirmation:that's a sentence that i don't hear nearly often enough: "Kevin Costner mutilations are mounting up!"
that's the way to start a day off right!********Wonderful in the morning, in the evening, ain't we got fun?
********LITTLE MISS WONDERFUL chimes in on hot dogs and buns:disreguarding the fact that bakeries bake in lots of eight, a number pre determined by a roomful of monkeys with Texas Instrument Speak And Add prototypes to fit into the bake pans found in every cooking supply distribution center ( a mystery yet to be solved for fear of biological reprocussions) in direct relation to the 15 years one Franklin H. Mooresen spent devising a functional system of meat packing, influenced by the size of the intestine of the early domesticated swine. It is important to note that the breeding of characteristics in domestic animals has significantly shortened the intestine length and in turn produces less hot dogs per animal.
At a point lost to records predating efficient record keeping, cooking pan manufacturers (but not of breadpans, no one knows who makes those), the meat preparation industry took means to acommodate the decrease in yield. Due to the speed of business and the nigh impossibility of dialing interplanetary numbers (predating even th development of fiberoptics), the communication was not made, steps were not taken, and hence, the periodic episode of freezer burn on single buns or weiners. I mean, for crissakes, can't you just take in the simple joy of good timing when you arrive at the last bun and weiner at the same meal?*******And you thought you'd be out of this message quickly...
*******LUST BUG on our favorite uber-actor:Regarding Mr. Oldman....
Now there's a Man I could really love. Hopeithappensreallysoon.
*******MADAME PERSONALITY writes something entirely too personal for me
to comfortably share, but then goes on to say:Listen, as Aristotle said: People here are interested in Wisdom,
not your petty facts.Even moreso if you've got wisdom, pretty facts, and Mary Tyler Moore's ass from the Dick Van Dyke Show years.
Different note; Superman the Movie by Tim Burton starring Nick Cage as
Supes. ummm...**********I don't know from asses, but no Hair Club for Men Italian is
gonna be MY Man of Steel. They can make the movie, but we don't have to
see it.******************
NEXT TIME, WONDERFUL
******************
WONDERFUL FIRST!
********This letter actually arrived in the mail, hand-written, from a
correspondent in Vermont - The state that tries harder:Dear Mr. Wonderful -
Mr. Wonderful, I was trying to solve my problem with conventional
methods such as drugs, alcohol, psychotherapy and yogic three-part
breath, but nothing has worked. Suicide is looming as the ultimate
answer to my bizarre condition, so I turn to you, as my last hope.The only time I am able to enjoy marital relations with my husband is
when Pink Floyd is on the radio, not a CD or tape or vinyl album, and
the sun is at a 35 degree angle to the western horizon, and we are on my
favorite Pooh blankie, and Gilligan's Island is on the TV, and
commercials are muted, and our favorite cat is watching, and the smell
of fishsticks is coming from the oven, which must be set at 425 degrees
Fahrenheit, no more, no less, and I'm wearing my Bullwinkle cap (with
the horns, ya know?) and he keeps his Mork and Mindy T-shirt on.But the problem is, I can't get the battery in my fire alarm/smoke
detector. Am I pushing too hard, or not hard enough? Does size
matter? It's a Homeguard, model number 1121.Please respond as quickly as possible, thank you.
signed,
Bewildered
_____________Dear Lucy,
Smoke Detectors do not in fact need batteries. This is common
knowledge. They work by Hydro-phased-Induction, which is fancy
scientist talk for "demons". The "battery" space is actually to be
filled with Brie cheese, or, failing that, Babaganoush. Save your
batteries to use as teething toys.As to your other problem, I'd need to know the name of the cat.
******************
SIZE MATTERS WHEN YOU'RE WONDERFUL
******************
WONDER IN CONFLICT
Dear Mr Wonderbar,
why do people hate each other? can't we all
just get along?yours,
gloria
__________Dear Gee-Ell-Oh-Arr-Eye-Ay,
You, young lady, have stumbled across the Mysterium Mundi, the
Essential Query, the Cosmi-Question. Answering your question is the
very reason language was invented. All of science, all of art, all of
religion and politics, all is in some way inquiring about this issue.
It is our mission (cleverly disguised as a simple, but powerful, Advice
Column) to spread the Answer as we see it:People hate each other and fail to get along when they forget how
Wonderful they are.*******************
WONDERFUL. PERIOD.
*******************
FRUSTRA-WONDERFUL
Dear Missed Her Wonderful,
After reading your latest column, I had this vivid vision of you, not
Quentin Tarrantino, sipping beer from Salma Hayek's foot a la "From Dusk
til Dawn", which I have just seen for the first time. In fact, this is
not the only similarity between you and Q's character: you know,
sex-crazed sociopath with glasses. Also, a shameless self-serving
nature seems to mark the both of you (re: the bag of "Kahuna burgers"
George "Batman" Clooney brings out of the car for the woman hostage).
But this is not my question.No, I am wondering about the music industry. Sheryl Crow was given the
cold shoulder by Walmart about selling guns to minors. Did Cop Shoot
Cop ever get the same problem from 7-11 (song: $10 Bill. Lyrics: "Let's
find a 7-11/ And have some fun")? NYPD? U.S. mint?Just WONDERing,
R. Rodriguez (and I HAVE had Salma, and I'm the one who deletes your
messages from her machine before she gets them, chump.)
____________________Dear Bastard,
I told Sheryl to watch it with that gun-running stuff. Especially when
she said she had a "cool connection in the Kindergartens". Sure she
tried to disguise it in her lyrics, but I mean, come on. Anyone coulda
seen that the mayor wouldn't turn a blind-eye for much longer. I don't
care how much money she funneled into "Sam's Club" or whatever that
neo-nazi calls it these days. The terrorist-loving gal was going down,
baby!True story about Cop Shoot Cop: they did some shows in L.A. right
after the riots. You know, touring. In their bus. Their tour bus.
The one with "COP SHOOT COP" spray-painted on the outside. Needless to
say....The 7-11 people have never heard of Cop Shoot Cop. If they did, they
would burn them as infidels. For that reason, you must never, ever,
play CSC in your car if you are planning to rob a 7-11. To do so adds
3500 years onto your time in Purgatory.****************
JA WONDERFUL!
****************
WONDERFUL COOL
MW,
So I met this girl and she's reading "Sandman". I pretty much
know jack about comics, just enough to call them "graphic novels" in
certain company, and all I can do is parrot what a guy I used to live
with would say about these kind of things (there was nothing between me
and the guy; we just used to wear each other's clothes every now and
again). I mumble something about "The Watchmen", which she claims is
her favorite vignette of the English language. My mind raced, as I have
this overwhelming urge to look cool in her eyes, and the only problem is
that I really can't talk to my old roommate "man to man" anymore, as he
has this alternate persona as a Megalomaniacal Writer of syndicated
advice columns and I just can't lower myself to play along with his
grand delusions. What should I suggest to her for future reading,
something that shows I'm hip but not afraid to recognize my life of
quiet desperation?
Oberon
___________________Dear Horn-head,
You should have her read my home phone number. Seriously.
No, Wonderful jests! This is another of those classic questions,
handed down to us from eternity; it's got the girl, the guy and the
comics. That's all Homer ever wrote about, am I right? No, of course
not. Homer was a brilliant fellow, but lived a long time ago, before
there were comics. At that point in history, they only had one-panel
gag spots, like "The Far Side" and "Family Circus". Literary-biologists
are still searching for the missing "Two-panel" link between this early
form and the modern day contiguous strip, of which "Mutts" is such a
fine example.Where was I? Oh yes, *real* Comics. If she's a "Sandman" and
"Watchmen" lover, she probably appreciates fine writing (I'm serious
about that phone number, really). The three Graphic Reads that got
Wonderful started on his path to perdition, funnybook-wise: the
above-mentioned "Watchmen", "The Dark Knight Returns" and "Mage". But
anyone who's anyone has read those already, and passed judgement.
Nothing beats "Watchmen" for structure, nothing beats "Dark Knight" for
heroism and nothing beats "Mage" for... being cool. So here are some
other panty-peeling works by the same authours....ALAN "GRUMBLEDUKE" MOORE: V For Vendetta, Miracleman, The Saga of the
Swamp ThingFRANK "INKHEAD" MILLER: Sin City, Hard Boiled, Elektra: Assassin,
Daredevil: Born AgainMATT "BATBOY" WAGNER: Grendel, Batman/Grendel, Sandman Mystery Theater
But if you really want to get this tart to your dessert plate, be sure
to bring up "Enigma" by Pete Milligan and Duncan Fegredo. It'll show
that you have a "sensitive" side.I'll be in the corner reading "Stig's Inferno".
****************
WONDERFUL LIVES LARGE
****************
WONDERFUL'S HEART
**********Saying it better than I could, here's THE MASTER:Dear Person Who Lives Under a Rock,
You actually don't know who Salma Hayek is? Wonderful is quite correct
in naming her as one of the most potent women in Hollywood. It's a
shame you have not had the privilege of basking in her radiant
beauty...I suppose such radiance would blister the pallid covering you
call skin. Here's another news flash for you...Truman defeated Dewey.
My suggestion to you...take off that zoot suit, stop smoking those
Chesterfields and join the rest of us in the Nineties.********Can I get an Amen?
*****************
WONDERBRASS
*****************
SLUGS OF WONDER!
heya,so how does a sexy echinoderm like me find
a nice invertabrate to rub spines with
(i'm new in this tidepool).miss echinata
__________________Dear Ariel,
Hmmm, let me check the mirror... and the calendar... Nope. I have not
suddenly transformed into Jacques Cousteau, nor is it "Bother the Wise
with Salt-Water Come-ons" Day. Curious.Normally, I would recommend pheremones and a nice wig. I think wigs
are marvelous. Mr. Dark feels the same way. Just the other week he
said, apropos of nothing, "I think, Mr. Malice, that I miss the wigs
most of all."
"You never wore a wig," pointed out the staid Malice.As it is, such things might be too gaudy for the average tide-pool.
Dark replied, "No, but I enjoyed their effect on others."
Plus, they always attract the wrong sort of sea-cucumber. Have you
tried just being yourself?***********************
WONDERFULLAMULLADINGDONG
***********************
Back to Behemoth... Back to the Librarium Index... or On to June.
Wisdom and Wit © 1997 Mark Anthony Masterson. Thank you to all the querents (Especially Matt and Tekurah, who played along first), long may your lights blink mercilessly.
