Mon, 03 Nov 1997Please send your queries c/o misterdark@mail.geocities.com
MILLENI-WONDER
Dear Mr. W,
I've heard from various sources that the Year 2000 will bring computerized
chaos as some of our oldest, yet most important computers will be thrown out
of wack come January 1, 2000. What's your assessment of this problem?
_________________Dear Mr. Minsky,
......Let's see... billions of dollars spent, thousands of hours of pure manpower
that could be better utilized, international conferences, reams and reams of
hysterical newsprint, public mistrust of technology, fiscal instability... all
because of a few corner-cutting code-jockeys. Tsk. Tsk. Hey, wait. Here's an idea:
......
......Why. Don't. The Morons. Buy. New. Computers?......Stop crying and get your head out of whatever medieval orifice it might have
wandered up. Tell the Pringle-headed bureaucratic whizkids to toss that
thirty-year old grinding,
bigger-than-your-momma-vacuum-tube-and-punch-card-stegasaurus, have the boys
at DEC cook them up a sleek megalithic-blazing-giga-godzilla of silicon, get a
Zip drive and go! This isn't hard!......I mean, the only reason they're dragging their feet on this anyway is because
MacArthur's ghost is still trapped in the Pentagon's system. I mean, big deal.*****************
A FLASH OF WONDERFUL IN THE NIGHT
*****************
Mon, 03 Nov 1997
WONDERTIME
Dear Mr. Dark,
......How many hours a week do you spend on the net? Just curious.
There was a debate between myself and a number of other parties regarding the
possible number of hours you might spend. What does it take to be you? How
can I get the babes? The prestige? The fame? The insomnia?
......(Ma|s|on) freewise
____________
Dear Illuminatus,......Mr. Wonderful exists as an extremely complex and flexible meta-entity
comprised of electronic pulses and mesonic waves in the very fiber of the 'Net
itself. He lives between the connexions and at the same time around them,
simultaneously everywhere at once. In that sense, then, he spends the full
One-hundred sixty-eight hours a week "on-line". Oh wait, that doesn't happen
until 2006. Never mind. Erm, say...7, hold it -- 9, just to be safe. Just
the 11 hours. Unless there's a lot to get done, in which case, we're here a
bit more than the 15hr/wk average.......It takes a lot more than just 20 hours a week on-line to be me, kid. I'm
sure you knew that. Mr. Wonderful follows the old ways, respects the fabric
and design of the universe. He seeks out secrets using the well-worn tools of
the hallowed mystics. The fame, the prestige, the chicks, the foxes, even the
women... they all proceed from one special thing.......Starts with "c", ends with "e", rhymes with "toffee". And lots of it.
***************
HARI WONDER KRSNA
***************
Tue, 04 Nov 1997
PRIZE-WINNING WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
......This years Ig Nobel awards were recently handed out. The awards are given for
the most useless research in different scientific fields. This year's winner
of the Ig Nobel Peace-award was some guy who wrote a report called, "The
amount of pain caused by different kinds of execution.".My question is how did he do his research for this paper and will there be a
follow-up such as "The amount of pain experienced during different kinds of
suicide" or something similarly interesting._________________
Dear Timmy,
......Science has long been fascinated by pain. The scientists themselves could
take it or leave it, but *Science* is a harsh mistress and delights in broken
beaker gashing, hot acid splashing, inadvertant rhyme, electro-chemical enemas
and other lab tragedies. It is not surprising, then, that this sort of thing
should come up.......The basic unit of pain is the "Owie". There are ten "Yows" in an Owie and
ten Owies in a "Damn". The next useful unit above the Damn is the "Fuck!".
The highest unit of pain a conscious human can experience is the "oh". For example:......You recieve an electric shock from a doorknob: "Yow."
......You recieve an electric shock from Gary Busey: "Fuuuck!"
......You burn your fingertip, holding a match too long: "Yow yow yow."
......You burn your fingers on a hot pot handle: "Owieowieowieowieowie."
......You burn your hand on a hot meteorite: "Damn."
......You trip while dashing up stairs: "Owie."
...... ...and run headlong into Superman: "Damn. Damn. Damn."
...............who's gone crazy and punches you across the street: "Fuck!"
............ ...then zaps off your arm with his heat vision: "oh."......Your man did his research the usual way. The usual, regular way you do
research on these things. Get a thesaurus, apply for grant money, then make
sure you're in Bermuda eight months later. There's usually not much follow-up.......Now, if Mr. Wonderful were going to do this type of research he'd get a gypsy
lady, a crystal ball, some incense, a bottle of rum, maybe some Louis
Armstrong records, a copy of the "Necronomicon Ex Aether" (roughly translated,
"The Telephone Book of the Dead") and ask sensitive questions.*******************
WONDER SPLICED GENES
*******************
Wed, 05 Nov 1997
WONDERBUGS
Dear Mr Wonderful,
......I absolutely, positively, well-and-truly
love Halloween, mostly because of the little
three-year-old kids that come dressed as dinosaurs
and frogs. This one plump and tiny little purple
pachycephalasaurus just about made me swoon.
My question is, why can't grown-ups be so cute?signed,
that lady that gave out walnuts when she ran out of candy
____________________Dear Mrs. Ricardo,
......For one thing, the underwear chafes pretty severely.
......Another reason for the terminal cutesy-woostseyness of the 4 and under crowd
is one of the basic axioms of comedy: Big Heads are Funny. Examples include
Jack from Jack In The Box, the Peanuts gang, Gerard Depardieu, and Mr. Bean
with a turkey stuck on his face. Given their massive cranial imbalance,
children have a distinct "look at me and laugh" advantage which most adults
can't match.......What you might like to do is rig up a special pair of bi-focals: place the
powerful magnifying crescent at the *top* of the lens and paint a purple
lizard of your choice below. That way, everyone you meet can be a jolly
Halloween baby.****************
HUZZAWUNDAHOO
****************
Wed, 05 Nov 1997
WONDERFUL ISSUES
Dear Mr Wonderful,
......The current issue of _Cosmopolitan_
magazine advertises an article about womens'
BEDability (emphasis theirs). You can be witty,
you can be loveable, you can have powerful thighs,
you can be stop-traffic gorgeous, but being
bedable is a whole different ballpark, they claim.
......I am amazingly greatful that I was made
aware of this concept by Cosmo. I mean, have
you ever just woken up with that not-so-bedable
feeling? Bedableness is obviously the key to recover
all that is lacking in my poor unshaven life, and
as I didn't have to cash to buy that issue of Cosmo,
I now turn to you. Can you give your readers (male,
female, vegetable, mineral, and Other) hints about
what actually makes a body bedable?
......Our self-esteem is in your hands.
_________________Dear Helen,
......Mr. Wonderful couldn't afford to buy that issue, either. Luckily, there was
an altercation in the "Ten Items or DIE!" line (apparently 16 boxes of
"Hamburger Helper" count as 16 items, even if you use a rubber band) and we
had plenty of time to read. We skipped the article in question, however, and
mainly concentrated on the "impulsive sex" stories, which really isn't a
problem, because if Wonderful knows anything, it's bedability.......Bedability breaks down into three aspects: Situation, Notoriety and Blood
Alcohol Level. Basically: Where are they seeing you, Why are they seeing you,
and Howzabout a little drinkie? If you can control these three factors, you
can get anyone to make you into a four-poster mahogany queen-size with
matching plush pillows. I mean, bed you in a biblical sense.......With that in mind, most people are at their most bedable when they are seated
in front of a computer reading Mister Wonderful (and laughing! Non-bedable
people read Mr. W too, they just don't understand it), having just had their
picture printed in the local paper with an article titled "MASSIVELY LIMBER
LOCAL RESIDENT CARVES ICE SCULPTURE WITH TONGUE" and holding a gin and tonic.......Just keep in mind: Find yourself, Know yourself, Drink yourself blind.
*****************
TOO WONDERFUL FOR MY HAT
*****************
Fri, 07 Nov 1997
BATTLE OF THE WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
......In the words of the wise Joker, "While in the bath, I was doing some
thinking, Sweetie," I was trying to come up with the most intelligent minds
in the world. Aside from the fact that you, Mr. Wonderful, are obviously are
a part of this pack of over-inflated... minds, I started thinking (with my own
omnipresent brain) who would win in a duel of wits-- Batman, the hero of
Gotham, or the Professor, the savior of Gilligan's Island?......It has been recorded that Batman is 1000 times more intelligent than any
human being. It has also been shown that the Professor can erect a fully
operational nuclear power plant using nothing but coconuts, one of Mary Ann's
bra's, and an oversized pair of the Skipper's underwear.......If these two "Super Eggheads" were to ever combine forces and use their
abilities for the betterment of Evil,, all men would have reason to fear. ......Oh, please, Mr. Wonderful, satisfy my query with your most gifted talents.
Yours truly,
Spunky Wayne (Bruce's third cousin)
__________________Dear Boy Out-of-the-will,
......Who do you think Dark and Malice are?
......But again this Mr Wonderful, he makes with the jokes! It is a way to avoid
answering what must surely be the most vexing question to cross this desk
since Hannibal was a pup.......Another way to avoid answering this most stunning, confounding and ingenius
bit of diabolical query-making is to make a little list of random words and
phrases used in your letter:......* bath
......* Sweetie
......* come up
......* Mr. Wonderful
......* over-inflated
......* erect
......* coconuts
......* bra
......* underwear
......* all men
......* satisfy
......* Spunky
......* Bruce......I leave the connecting of the dots as an exercise for the reader.
......In any case: the battle of wits, the duel of cognition, the war of
intellect... hey, what if *Gilligan* were in a mental contest with Ace the Bat
Hound? Wouldn't *that* be cool? Like watching clown cars explode.......Okay, really, honest and for true, no foolin' this time: If it came right
down to it and there were a cataclysmic Big Blue/Kasparov thing going down
between the Dark Knight and the Jungle Genius the winner would have to be The
Batman. Why? Professor "Can't get no Mary Jane" breaks like a schoolgirl if
you don't finish Knock-knock jokes.
**********************
PHEW, WONDERFUL....
**********************
Sat, 08 Nov 1997
FLIPPIN' WONDERFUL
********** Bored? Depressed? Disappointed with the "BEAN" movie? God, so am I.
********** A short time ago we were asked to cast a live-action "Bloom County"
movie. Here's THE MAN WHO OWNS ONE with a more complete list:Okay, since you asked...
......Binkley's Dad: Rodney Dangerfield
************* Well done, fearless nostalgia master! One thing though: Mr.
......Lola Granola: Liv Tyler
......Ronald Ann: Macullay Culkin in blackface (sorry, but he needs the work now)
......Bart Savagewood: Mr Wonderful hissownsef (flattery is everything). Too busy?
Try John Tesh.
......Milquetoast: Chris Rock
......Binkley: if you're gonna go Andy Dick, why not go the full Conan? He's got
the hair.
......Opus: ya know, John Leguizamo did a great job in "Spawn" as a short, fat
plot device chock full of comic relief and poignant insights.
......Senator Bedfellow: Jesse Helms
......Bill the Cat: Crispin Glover
......Oliver's Parents: Felicia Rashod and Bill Cosby
......Giant Purple Snorklewhacker: Barney (comes with his own costume, and just as
nightmarish, doncha think?)
......Rosebud: This is where I'd go with Andy Dick. Anyway, what is Spanky from
"Our Gang" doing nowadays. He might need the work, too (see Ronald Ann, above).
......Bloom county citizens: all the people here in Anza whose children I'm
currently a-learnin'.
Wonderful goes the full Conan every night, baby.
************* Then we have this curious bit of correspondence from FLAPPER:Dear Wondorgasm,
Knock knock. I think you should host a knock-joke contest in which all
wonderful questions are formed in a knock-knock joke form and the good ones
you answer with a joke. What do you think?Queen Mob
************* Wait. I'm not sure I get this. Who starts the joke? Me? As in:......KNOCK KNOCK
......"Who's there?"
......MR. WONDERFUL
......"Can you help me with my fixation on birds and off-color foods?"
......MR. WONDERFUL DOESN'T CARE.......That can't be right. And this isn't much better:
......"Knock knock"
......WHO'S THERE?
......"Is the stuff inside Mick Jagger's lips the same as the stuff in Keith
Richard's bloodstream?"
......GO AWAY.Well, if anyone can think of a way to make this work, please write in to
"DON'T KNOCK THIS CONTEST" courtesy of the usual address. A special Wonderful
Prize might be in the offing.******************
WONDERFUL WHILE YOU WORK
WHISTLE WHILE YOU WONDERFUL
******************
Sat, 08 Nov 1997
NEW ZOO WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Smart Aleck,
......Why does my bird like to eat and peck at people's zits and boils?
Signed, Kirk Cameron
_________________Dear Mike,
......In 1957, DuPont Labs was given a special federal grant to study the effect of
gouda cheese on irradiated monkeys in space. That has nothing to do with your
bird, but is an interesting fact nontheless and may explain why the Russians
were able to launch Sputnik, for you see the Russians had no strategic dairy
initiatives planned at all.......Another interesting story that has even less to do with your bird is
something that Mr. Wonderful actually read in a magazine last week and
concerns a Spanish gentleman who died in a rock slide while violating a
chicken's personal space. There was a photo and everything.......Then again... in 1962, Dow Pharmaceuticals recieved a federal "mad money"
grant to work on radical acne treatments for the nation's growing teenage
population. Rather than create new ointments and drugs, they began research
into Bio-Derma-Schismatics; that is, animals trained to recognize and
neutralize human skin flaws. Early results seemed promising and the CIA
funelled another set of secret monies into the project, hoping they could
develop squirrels with the ability to detect false moustaches. With any luck,
both blemishes and the Communist menace would be history by the end of the decade.......When rumours of rabbits fluent in French and weasels in prom dresses began to
circulate, the lab was shut down. It is not unlikely, however, that one or
two "breeding pairs" were released into the pet stores by Dr. Gerald "Man
Overboard" Higgins, the notoriously phlegmatic director of the project. Your
bird (thought I'd forgotten, didn't you?) may be an heir to this fascinating
legacy. See if she attacks a portrait of Lenin.......Either that, or it is just her way of saying, "You're not my type, Spotty.
You're not my type. Don't take me where the boulders are."......You see? Mr. Wonderful mentions nothing for no reason.
****************
HUH, WONDERFUL
****************
Sat, 08 Nov 1997
KILLER WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
......On Regis and Kathy Lee, they had a chubby jolly lady saying that to get rid
of bees so they don't sting you, you should blow and blow because they hate
human breath. I used the technique this past summer and it seemed to work a
little bit but I'm not sure. Please tell me if this lady was just kidding or
was her advice sincere. I do want to avoid bee stings but there is a
possiblity that one bee sting could cure the mysterious illness that I have.
......Signed, Frank Gifford
_________________Dear Honeypot,
......As a rule, you shouldn't trust anyone who tells you to blow and blow. No
matter how much money they have.......One sure-fire method of getting rid of bees is to hum Def Leppard songs,
especially stuff from "Pyromania". They just find it kind of embarassing,
because they were big fans.......As far as your mysterious illness goes, I think you might want to be standing
at the corner of Garfield and Newton in Toad Spit, AK on January 17th, 1999
2:38 AM E.S.T. Wear something loose.*******************
CAN IT BE WONDERFUL?
*******************
Sat, 08 Nov 1997
WONDERFUL-DEFICIENT
Dear Mr Wonderful,
......A little bird (well, actually, it was a fairly big bird. A big
bald bird. Like, one of those carrion-sucking vulture things, only it had a
big gob of green nail polish on its beak, don't ask why, 'cause I don't know,
but i bet it was really pissed off that it got nail polish so close to its
sensitive olfactory whatsits, 'cause, like, turkey vultures are really good
with their noses, you know?)
......What was i saying?
......Oh, yeah, a little bird told me that you once had scurvy. Is this true?
......How creepy.
......Did your tongue fall out?......Yours, etc,
......Pillowcase Grrrrrl
___________________Dear Nosy,
......Do. By dung dibbin ball oud. Bang oo bah ackin.
......Wait'll I get my hands on that bird. Look, it was the high seas, it was
buccaneers and corsairs, cabin boys and tights, hell, it was the eighteenth
century, we thought it was the thing to do. I'm not trying to blame anyone
else, but we were all a little crazy back then. You got a tattoo, you got an
earring, you got a disease. Just part of the thrill.........Still, I'm not saying it was actually scurvy as such. We visited so many new
continents in those days... you start notching your bedpost, you'd wind up
sleeping on toothpicks. A non-itching, non-contagious rash starting on the
chest and spreading over 75% of your body could have been anything. As it
was, one wag giggled something about "scurvy" one night, and the rest of the
lads just sort of picked up on it. Anyway, he's dead now.......And I think turkey's on the menu.
***************
THE TREE OF WONDERFUL AND EVIL
***************
Sat, 08 Nov 1997
THE LATE WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
......I've long read your column, but i'd never thought that i'd be
writing you now. My friend has sought your advice often and encouraged me to
do likewise now. Our situation is this, we have come to a point in our
relationship, where we (she) feels it neccessary to seek the advice of people
like you. You see, the two of us have always been rather fond of the exciting
and occasionally death-defying full-contact sport of using our thick, womanly
skulls to butt pumpkins around on steep, craggy mountainsides. Our third man
suddenly had to back out for the champion game on saturday due to a severe ear
injury thanks to an errant pumpkin seed. The game requires quick wits,
agility, balance, strong ankles and neck support, as well as powerful thighs.
My friend also praises the thick womanliness of your cranium. I have no doubts
about your abilities, and am writing to ask you to join us in the match. Are
you free this coming Saturday night?
............
Signed,Hopi and Rosie
P.S. We have a custom of waxing our powerful thighs after each
championship game; we hope you can join us in this time-honored victory
celebration.
____________________Dear Linus,
......Mr. Wonderful isn't what you'd call... the sporting type. He's more the sort
of, oh, lying-around-and-mocking type. Much regrets.......Also, given the utter disaster area that Wonderful Labs has become since the
departure of Arturo the Dazzling Mexican Secretary it is impossible to
determine which Saturday night you are referring to and the Time Machine is on
the blink (again) so don't bother.......Sounds like fun, though.
P.S. Only if I get to use my teeth.
****************
WHOA-WHOA-WHOA WONDERFUL, DO-WOP
****************
Sun, 09 Nov 1997
WONDERFUL KNOWS
Dear Mr. Wondernose,
how come people find birds with hooked beaks beautiful and attractive,
but......don't find people with hooked noses beautiful and attractive?All my love,
Meg Ryan (I love my nose)
_________________Dear Screamer,
......"Attractive"? What kind of people do you know, anyway? Sounds like a pack
of chicken-sidlers to me, a gang of parrot-flirts, a flock of pigeon-ticklers,
a group of finch-gropers, a bushel of crow-baiters, a bunch of budgie-suckers,
peacock-teasers, penguin-sluts, bluejay-fondlers, dove-lovers, duck-jerks,
hawk-whistlers, loon-loons, macaw-straddlers, *dodo-humpers*, know what I'm sayin'?......As far as Mr. Wonderful is concerned, people who can't find something to love
about every nose they come across (ahem) just shouldn't even bother getting
out of bed in the morning. Life's too short to have prejudices, dig?******************
WHO ORDERED THE WONDERFUL?
******************
Tue, 11 Nov 1997
THE LOST WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. W,
......Doth the wondrous one reinact the pagan rituals of the Day of the Dead?
......Or do you just stay home and watch the Garfield Halloween special, sans
garmont, with a big bowl of chili and a Heineken?Please explain your answer. (write in the margins if necessary)
__________________Dear Ray Bradbury,
......Mr. Wonderful is very fond of paganism, especially in a fashion sense. While
respecting skulls and all that, he prefers to celebrate the Day of the Feeling
Pretty Good And Ready To Waterslide.......The parties that Mr. Wonderful gets invited to are pretty spiffy, but he
winds up at the wrong one more often than not. If he knew more about this
mysterious "Garfield" of which you speak, perhaps he would try that. You can
keep the Heineken.******************
SLIPPIN' AND WONDERFULLIN'
******************
Tue, 11 Nov 1997
THE WONDER GRIND
Dear Mister Dark,
So if Java be the fuel for thee, then is this your stimulant of choice?
......And just how does Mister Dark care for his cup of Joe? Is it light and sweet,
in opposition to your true self, and thus, you sustain a delicate sense of
balance?
......Do you dig it dark, and with a twist of lemon? A shot of Sambuca? Do you
acquire those extra-special blends from coffee import houses and fine Italian
bakeries, do you pick it up in the Folgers section, or do you get it sent to
you from Hawaii or Columbia, because you're in one of those hoity-toity
elitist coffee-of-the-month clubs? Does Mister Dark drink instant? Demitasse?
Cappucinno? Mocha flavored, Hazel nut, or with a splash of the Bailey's Irish
Cream? Do you have a special mug that you only drink coffee from? Do you get
mad if other people touch it? Hmm? Hmmm? HHHMMMMM?!Abigail's Number 29.
____________________Dear Chock Fulla Questions,
......I never get mad if other people touch it. I'm a professional.
......It's true, gentle reader, that the little black bean is an essential part of
this complete travesty. Do not mistake any of this for the result of hard
work or dedication; it is the squeaking of a brain tottering twixt mania and somnobulism.......There is only one way to truly enjoy coffee, and I think you all know what
that is: Black as the devil, sweet as a stolen kiss.......That being said, I have never shirked from experimentation or deviancy. Give
me the exotic, the adultered, the strange and the bold, and give it to me all
night long. I rely on the basic bean when at home, but never say no when out
on the town.......My mug is a glorious thing to behold, yes it is.
*****************
GO FOR THE WONDER
*****************
Wed, 12 Nov 1997
WHOLLY WONDERFUL
Dear Mr Wonderful,
......Two questions for you:
1. How come you're so smart?
2. How come so many of us have wives whose questions we write in for
them?......--Your Secret Admirer
__________________Dear Babaloo,
......1. Life-time membership to the psychic friends network.
......2. Perhaps it's because Wonderful readers know how important it is to breed
intelligence back into the population. Your wives don't write in themselves
because their hands are busy.********************
THE GUNS OF WONDERFUL
********************
Thu, 20 Nov 1997
CALLING MISTER WONDERFUL
Mr. W...
I'd never though I'd stoop to asking you a question, but there's
this guy, you see. And well, I know it took me a month to reply to him,
but that was an accident. Ya. And he sent me one of those "yeah, got
your message and I'll write" but how long should I wait? I mean, I want
an answer, I want to know what's going on! I can only go so long before
a reply when I totally lose any sense of conversation. Which is probably why
we go through bouts of nothingness, the suddenly ***BOOM***! It all comes
back. It wouldn't be so bad if I thought he just didn't have time on the net
(like me), but I see him mass mail the masses, with no thought of what I'm thinking...
What do I do?Love,
Applying to be your gypsy lady.
___________________Dear Salma,
......Mister Wonderful has to admit, he knows how your guy feels.
......What you should do, and this is speaking as a professional here, is think
very seriously about using your phone line as something other than an Internet
Connexion. Then you can find out if this guy is happy, or paying alimony, or
having the Pope's love-child or what. Imbibe your beverage of choice
beforehand: a Yoo-Hoo before dialing can really grease the wheels, if you know
what I mean. I certainly don't.......Incidentally, I doubt very much he is carrying the Pope's baby, as we all
know the Pope was rendered sterile after his battle with Hitler for the Spear
of Destiny.*****************
REALLY, WONDERFUL
*****************
Thu, 20 Nov 1997SOUPED-UP WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. W,
I think you are crazy and that you hate children. If I weren't carving an ice
sculpture with my tongue, I would cry. By the way, do you like beans and/or
David Cassidy? I am a cross between Pam Lee and Tori Spelling with crooked
teeth and long eyelashes. A normal girl with the body of a horse.Beans help.
Love, Miss Beano
___________________Dear Squeaky,
......Oh dear. I knew this would happen. It's just like that time in
seventeenth-century France... only then there were more Frenchmen. Still, you
have to learn to deal with these things if you're going to make it as a
dynamic, charming, near-clairvoyant advice giver with a tongue like a hot
velvet cobra.......Please, ma'am: Take the phone off the hook. Prepare your butter. Rummage
through the boot of your car. Insert the plastic flange into the iron
crescent, careful to avoid the starry-eyed midget. There are no more beans.
Cuspidor! Cuspidor! Draw forth the sprite in you.......It's just a matter of knowing how to speak their language.
......As a matter of record, however: I do not hate children. I had one just last
night and it was delicious.......David Cassidy's not bad either.
*****************
WAS THAT WONDERFUL?
*****************
Thu, 20 Nov 1997
TIPSY WONDERFUL
Dear Mister W,
......I notice that lately in your love advice the magic ingredient
seems to always be large amounts of alcohol. Frankly, I'm disappointed.
Surely a bright young lad like yourself could come up with something a
little more ingenious, a little less self-destructive?With withering looks,
Yo Momma
_________________Dear Hera,
......The trouble here is, I'd *like* to come up with something more clever, but
I'm just not making it up. For the problems these people have, *somebody*
ought to be sloshed. Better yet, somebody should be run over with a beer
truck. But we take what we can get.......Mr. Wonderful, as always, recommends that you consult your doctor before
imbibing any of his love potions. Mr. Malice recommends that you consult a
doctor after, and get a blood test. Mr. Dark recommends excess in all things
and thinks doctors are for pussies.*****************
BLEEP WONDERFUL BLEEP
*****************
Thu, 20 Nov 1997
WOLF WONDERFUL
Mr. Wonderful,
......Does having my business ad in the paper that happens to be going out today
count? how about the fact that I'm drooling for a G&T right now, but being at
work makes that a little far fetched. Am I bedable???Catwoman
____________________Dear Sean,
......We'd need to see your answers to the essay question.
******************
ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-WONDER
******************......Phew, got out of that one pretty easily. Dear lord, I barely had room to
type...heh. Drooling was a nice touch. Still, mustn't let them know I'm such
an easy... What? We're still on?
Thu, 20 Nov 1997
HOOPLA WONDERFUL
************ A heavy load of Wonderful mail this season, what with the old
man's leg acting up and all....************ First, we have a response to early November's letters
(particularly "KILLER WONDERFUL" (11/8/97, Wonderful Labs))from SOMEONE YOU
KNOW in California:DAMN WONDERSCAMMER ON MY WOMAN, beautiful and misty as she is!
I am writing due to uncontrollable rage. Wha the hell is up with all these
bird questions? There's one everyday. Where do you get these hooked nosed,
bestial, boiled-skinned creatures who do nothing all day long but write to
you? You, the dog who's trying to pick up my wife on some lonely alley in
1999? Cure her illness? I'll cure you! These women who try to fit underwear on
their birds--that's sick, man, that's some kind of sick fetish. When I come
home I want to spend quality time with my little woman and my big computer,
learning about Gallileo, Copernicus, the wonders of the universe . . . what do
I care about your back hair? I have hair all the way down on my butt and my
wife loves me for it. You're saying you're not prejudiced about hooked noses
but you make fun of my buttockal hair, what's up with that?WHAT A JERK!
Signed,
************* Oh, Mom. Stop it, you're embarrassing me.
George Clooney, the sexiest man alive
(I do NOT look like a monkey!)************* JUST WONDERING of the Eastern Coast says this about Wonderful Wives:
You bet her hands are busy. Busy smackin' me around.
To answer as a querant (is that a word?) of most things Wonderful, who
does have a wife whom he writes in for: There are several reasons for
this.1. My wife is extremely busy, and does not always have the time to write
complex queries. Whereas I am an unkempt slob, who takes little or no
responsibilities around the house.2. My wife usually asks the more personal questions of said Wondermunch,
whereas I spend hours thinking up random stuff to stump Wonderful Labs with.
(hint: this can't be done)3. My wife is a very mature, respected individual. *I* can hang spoons off
my face, and remember all the lyrics to a Starburst commercial from the early 80's.4. My wife is currently working towards her M.A. - The odds were 50-50 as to
whether or not I'd get a diploma.The conclusions reached by these facts I shall leave to the experts,
because I have to go scratch myself.Just Wondering (but not about anything important)
************** The *Guy*, everyone! Let's give him a big hand!************** Finally, this errata from THE MAN WHO KNOWS JUST ENOUGH in
Denmark of all freakin' places:Dear W.
I am afraid I have a correction for you; although you are correct in stating
that the pope was rendered sterile during a rather hard confrontation with a
German army boot. The pope was in fact restored to his own virile self after
the vatican recovered the grail from the aliens who stole it from Kennedy.
......Anyway I thought I'd just mention that little known fact.
-(Add name here) *************** Lock up your sheep and daughters!*****************
ADIOS WONDERFUL
*****************
Thu, 20 Nov 1997
SISTER WONDERFUL
Dear Mr Wonderful,
Myself also being a famous "Cyberspace" personality, I often become
frustrated over the fact that I can visit, say, the local IKEA for resonably
priced yet fashionable furniture and go unnoticed by the average eye (except
of course those who are inclined to notice painfully beautiful women) yet when
I'm online I often feel almost violated by the constant barrage of "I Love
You" e-mails. It's not that I hate my fans, don't get me wrong... It's just
the paradox of being worshiped so much for my mind... and then ignored for my
body. Is this also a problem for you??HotRodGrrl
_________________Dear Sweet Thang,
......What are you, kidding? You know that scene at the beginning of the first,
and finest, Beatles film "Hard Day's Night" where the lads are being hounded
through the streets of London by hundreds of damp-pantied maidens screaming in
orgiastic unison? That's when I have a *bad* day. Thank god for break-away pants.
......Do not hesitate to call on Mr. Wonderful to help in any way whatsoever.**************
WONDERFUL GETS IT HERE
**************......
Thu, 20 Nov 1997
FOREIGN WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Vünderbäll,What are "bewegungskoordinationen",
and what do they have to do with spontaneous behaviors?-Erika of the Holsts
__________________Dear Niebelung,
......"Bewegungskoordinationen" are the elementary particles of force that keep
Oreo Cookie halves stuck to the creamy center. They act independently of
Gravity and have five properties: Swivel, Skip, Panic, Funk and Hamster.......As to the second half of your question, I think they could have quite an
effect, provided you ate enough Oreos.**************
SWIFTLY TILTING WONDER
**************
Thu, 20 Nov 1997
GRAMMA WONDER
Dear Mister Wonderful,
I have a question (or two):
What's up with words like "monies?"
And "persons?"The part of my brain that is an anal-retentive second-grader gets really antsy
at these words, because they don't fit with the Rules of
Pluralization that I soaked into my impressionable skull at that point in my life.Fill me in.
___________________Dear Phil,
......The osmotic effect of knowledge on the eggshell-in-vinegar-like head of an
eight year-old human is a marvelous and dangerous thing, isn't it? One wrong
tap of the Instructional Hammer and blammo: scrambled kid all over the
cloakroom floor. Believe me, I know.......Need I point out that you were probably "taught" by hardened convicts escaped
from maximum security federal prisons where they were routinely subjects of
pharmacological experiments in permanently mind-melting hallucinogens
conducted by shadowy government officials with no specific love or concern for
the Constitution? And that your "antsy" brain indicates that you did not so
much learn, as become brainwashed in a suspiciously Maoist fashion? Thought not.......Words like "monies" and "persons" follow a higher law. That is all ye know
on earth, and all ye need to know.****************
TRANS-WONDERFUL EXPRESS
****************
Fri, 21 Nov 1997
THE BELLS OF WONDERFUL
Dear Sirs,
......What do Mr Dark, Mr Malice, and
Mr Wonderful want for Christmas? Or do they
celebrate it? Are they on the Naughty or Nice
list? Why do stores start decorating for Xmas
before the Hallowe'en candles are even lit?......With an inquiring mind,
......El Tigre Super-Bodega
......
p.s. does the phrase "shop till you drop" bug you?
implying, as it does, that we rich yankees don't get
any exercise except for the frenzied orgies of
consumer gluttony that overtake us periodically . . .
____________________Dear Elf-stones,
......A quick survey reveals these not-very-surprising wish lists:
......Mr Wonderful wants it all.
......Mr Malice wants everything.
......Mr Dark wants more.
......There is a party at Wonderful Labs right around the 25th of December, but
it's not exactly what you'd call Christmas-oriented. There is an "X" on the
invitation, as well as the word "mass", but you shouldn't make too much of that.......Point of interest: After federal investigation for violation of child-labor
laws (reports of 7 year-olds painted green and putting together Tamagotchis
for $2.50 a day), M. Claus of the N. Pole had further trouble from special
interest groups regarding the whole Naughty/Nice demarcation and self-worth
issues impressionable-child-wise. The whole thing is still in litigation,
what with the Coal-Miner Anti-Defamation Union getting into the mix, but
suffice to say we're all pretty much beyond labels.......Stores stock holiday items early because one time Christmas happened on
November 13th and caught everybody by surprise.P.S. You know, I think the phrase "Shop til you drop" was sort of invented by
"rich yankees" so I don't see how it could be meant to imply piggish
capitalistic bloat-monster over-exertion, except in the most oblique and
subtle self-loathing way. It's more meant to inspire an almost mystical "go
to the next level" "no pain, no gain" height of consumer consciousness,
implying that Shopping is as good and noble an exercise as the Labors of
Hercules or the Death of Superman. Oh, but yeah, it does annoy me.*****************
MARRY WONDERFUL
*****************
Fri, 21 Nov 1997
CLEARING OUT THE WONDER
*********** Everybody's got something to say....*********** SENSITIVE NEW AGE GUY would like to publish this Open Letter to YO
MOMMA, who had inquired about the propriety of alcohol:Dried-Up Hag,
Maybe guys like Wonderful wouldn't need booze if chicks like you would take of
*********** So... who needs a date for Saturday night?
yourselves. Christ, put the donuts down and do a crunch or two.*********** With a simple query is JANE THE BAPTIST:
If we sign our friends up for Mr W's advice,
does that make us Wonderfulisatvas? *********** It makes you get your own FBI file, that's for sure.*********** And in the "This Is Actually Getting Interesting" Department, we
have a follow-up from SANS-CHRISTE:Some guy wrote: "...although you are correct in stating
that the pope was rendered sterile during a rather hard confrontation
with a German army boot. The pope was in fact restored to his own virile self
after the vatican recovered the grail from the aliens who stole it from Kennedy."It's a good thing for him that His Eminence's testes were restored to
working order, for it is an even lesser known fact that, according to
Church law, "no pope may rule who has been castrated or whose genitals
are otherwise deformed." Cardinals at one time even had to inspect the
pope's nuts as he sat in a special chair exposing himself. If the holy
stones met with approval, the cardinals would each say in turn
"testiculos habet et bene pendentes," or "the testicles are in good
condition." (I am not making this up; see the Encyclopedia of Unusual
Sex Practices, page 96, E for Eunuchs.) I guess the aliens wanted John
Paul II to stay in power pretty bad, eh?--the Bearer of Useless Information
*************** Aliens and Grails notwithstanding, I want to get ahold of that chair!******************
SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, WONDERFUL AND SPAM
******************
Fri, 21 Nov 1997
WONDERFUL AND THE BRAIN
Dear Mr. W,
......Recently, my co-workers were marvelling at my ability to recall movies,
songs, and certain sports trivia. When asked for certain things like my
grandmother's birthday, however, my cranium shut down, unable to come up with
the reply. My question is, does the human brain run out of places to store
information, much like a computer? Has this happened to Mr. Wonderful (of
course it has, I'm betting alcohol was involved)? Are there any ways to
increase memory size?Just wondering
___________________Dear Dr. Watson,
......Yes, there is a limited amount of "storage space" in the human brain. The
only real way around this is to become One with the Universe and let the other
bits of yourself do the remembering. This is highly recommended for the
serious student of Life, but, as is the case with so many of these endeavours,
the underwear can chafe.......Mr. Wonderful can't recall ever having a real black-out.
*******************
COULD THERE BE MORE WONDER?
*******************
Sat, 22 Nov 1997
WONDER WHO
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
I recently received this email
>Hello!!!
>
>I don't know if this is the right address....But I'm looking for my
>knight in shining armor....Davy Jones!! I met you about 4-5 years ago
>in the state of Indiana, USA. You sang a song to me and I've loved
>the Monkees ever since.
>
>I really hope this is the right address. However, if it is incorrect
>please disregard this mail. I had no clue how to get in touch with
>you.
>
>If this IS the correct address, then, Davy, please come back to
>Indiana soon!!!! We miss you here in Elkhart!!!
>
>Your forever fan,
>
>Frankie McCrearyWhat on Earth is going on? Why would this person think that I am a short
English maraca player/vocalist? While I am a bit of a Monkees fan, I have
never impersonated an actual member, not in real life, or online.Do you have any explanation? And how can I let Mr. McCreary down gently? And
why is Frankie McCreary's email address attributed to an Anthony R. Gonzalez
Jr.? is this some new virus?Concerned,
Star Collector
__________________Dear Zelig,
......Don't concern yourself with the address thing. Hagdun, mail demon of the
Seventh Circle and Infernal Master of the transfer/encoding Cabal, just gets
bored sometimes.......As to your actual dilemma... wow. You seem to be the victim of an obscure
and subtle practical joke conducted by dyslexic coma victims with no sense of
humor. Either that, or we are much closer to the Apocalypse than I thought we
were. Trust me to have a slow watch.......Either way, I'd buy my plane ticket to Fiji tomorrow, were I you.
****************
WISHING WELL OF WONDER
****************
Wed, 26 Nov 1997
BIG BOOK OF WONDER
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
I fear I should not write to you of such serious problems, but I
feel I have no one else I could ask who would be able to give such a
well-read response.I am coming to the end of a novel and I'm dreading it horribly.
It's not that the novel is bad, in fact it's quite the opposite. I
don't want to see the story end. It's a classic tale of romance with a
bunch of new-age drama thrown in. I've never experienced anything like
it before. I want to reread it before I've finished.This creates a sort of loop with no real progress. Sort of a
stagnant dish with tension thrown into the sauce. I realize that to
satisfy my curiosity I will have to finish the novel.This realization has created some questions:
......After reading such an exciting novel, is it wise to jump right back
into it before reading another?......Can lessons from literature be applied to real life? Even romantic
life?......If so, what can I learn from my experience with this novel, that I can apply
to my love life?The final question(s):
......What is the best way to end a relationship, and how do you know you
should?......Much appreciation,
............Catherine Linton
____________________Dear Library Lady,
......Mr. Wonderful has a date with a hot book right now, actually, so we'll make
this brief.......You should always give a novel time before re-reading, otherwise the pages
might a) burst into flame from the friction or b) become sticky and glued
together (depending on the type of book you've got). Amuse yourself with a
Weekly Reader in the meantime.......Lessons from literature *can* be applied to real life, but only by trained
professionals. You wouldn't, for example, want to end up in front of a
steaming locomotive like some people I could mention.......This *particularly* applies to romantic life. You wouldn't, for example, want
to end up sledding into a tree like some people I could mention.......What you should learn from any novel is the importance of keeping your place
with a handy scrap of paper and not turning the corners down with little
dog-ears. You wouldn't, for example, want to end up nailed to two sticks of
wood, like some people I could mention.......The best way to end a relationship is at a foreign airport, with fog and
trenchcoats swirling about, with a simple speech and a clean heart. Then
shoot a Nazi. You know it's right because the credits roll.****************
THE BEGINNING OF A BEAUTIFUL WONDER
****************
Thu, 27 Nov 1997
ME GUSTA WONDERFUL
Querido Senor Estupendo,
......Yo estaba charlando con un amigo miyo sobre las obras del hombre mas
prolifico de su epoca de literatura argentino, un hombre que todos nos
amabamos, llamado Borges. Pues, nos dimos cuenta que todos no nos amabamos; es
decir, mi companero y yo nos pusimos en acuerdo de que
Borges nos da asco con su actitud tan presumido. Pero queriamos
preguntarle a usted, quien sabe tanto de la literatura e el arte del
tiempo actual, ?que le opina de Borges?......Con todo carino,
......Frida y Carlos
____________
Dear Archons of Orqwith,......He was a great player, but he never should have left the Rams.
......¡Ha-ha! ¡Un chiste muy peligroso para las muchachas! Que bueno.
......Sometimes I wish Wonderful Labs could be more like Sesame Street. That way,
there'd be a charming lady from Puerto Rico strangling puppets while
translating your question on the mind-achingly talented (yet blind) Argentine
writer, Borges. It would just be fun that way.......Borges was, as you know, the first visitor from the future to arrive in the
Twentieth Century. What's wonderful (in all senses) about his work is not
that it reveals the true future and nature of things, but that it is in fact a
marvelously detailed and accurate *parody* of the true future and nature of
things. If you could see the looks on their faces in the Annular Halls of Tlon...*****************
THE WONDERFUL LIBRARY
*****************
Thu, 27 Nov 1997
WONDER REDNOW
Dear Wonderful,
Do you have an evil twin? If so, what happened to him?
Signed,
Romulus
____________
Dear Wolf-sucker,......That's a pretty dangerous question to be asking. In fact, for some people,
that sort of question is like a big syringe full of primo Thai Horse with a
sign around it saying, "INJECT ME". And you know who you are.......Without getting into too many personal details, the answer is no; Mr.
Wonderful has no evil twin. What he does have is relections. And no matter
how many times you smash the mirror, they don't go away.****************
SLIP SLIDIN' A-WONDERFUL
****************
Thu, 27 Nov 1997
GREAT AMERICAN WONDER
Dear Mr. Dark,
......Speaking of the bean as the Devil In the Dark, my own personal
Horta seems to come in the form lately of a french press and a lot of
love. However, I have been noticing a distinct decrease in the
requirement for the local storytelling boys' stories. Of course, I am
myself NOT referring to the recent roxy of the late, great "Billions and
Billions" man; however, sans that one, I feel myself enjoying the whole
experience less and less, and preferring to just turn on the Discovery channel
instead and enjoy my daily cup-o-joe and conk out. I cite as direct examples
the recent noctural-rodent-cum-gigolo flick, the seven-minutes-[of actual film
footage]-in-the-himalayas, the
what-happened-to-the-power-suits-and-decent-ethics, the
my-god-what-was-he-thinking-Bean episode, either of the two
attempts-to-explain-the-post-adventures-of-the-guy-whos-head-didn't-
get-cut-off-[more specifically, the secondary, not the tertiary, but both will
be considered the inimaginative dreck of so-called creative sequel writing
efforts], and the bigger of my present fears, the
"No-goddamit-this-isn't-the-American-version-of-"Il Postamo" which has yet to premier.
......I mean, what the hell are they thinking? Is average intelligence
going down? Okay, okay, so I am a bit separated from society, sitting here on
the 6th floor of a pedagogical science building, drinking my french roast and
studying pure quantum electrodynamics, but MY GOD, who do those bastards think
they're trying to speak to: Social Workers? I mean, granted, your average
newspaper (even the major ones, in fact) is written for a 6th grader, at max,
but it was always that way.
......Mr. Dark, what can I do to be intellectually stimulated, get a
Niven Tap, and plug into a wall socket, like Louis Woo? I think NOT!!
Is there anything you can do? What can _I_ do? Both self-applied
lobotomies and euthanasia are (for myself, at least) unacceptable. My own
girlfriend (with whom I believe you are at least somewhat acquainted) seems to
agree with me, though she is a bit more into the whole "Save the world" kick,
of which I am somewhat [read 'forget it!'] more passive.
......Mr. Dark, you inspire me to think, and to remember the past, when Men
were real Men, Women were real Women, and David Brin and Robert Heinlein might
have been able to get their whole uncut stories done on the ol' Ag-injected
whiteboards. So, what's the cure? And don't say "Robert Smith" please!!......- Captain Illuminatus, aka Free Man of the Brick Temples; shake my hand in a
funny way.
__________________Dear Spud,
......You're talking about movies, right? Just wanted to get that straight.
......What I think, in terms of purely personal satisfaction, you understand, you
need to do is take that girlfriend and just sort of idly wander through a
Victoria's Secret outlet with fat twenties bulging out of your wallet. It may
not solve your genre-film ennui troubles, but it may give you something to do
at night.......There was a phase in the late 1980's when it became fashionable for Film
Studio Execs to have their heads replaced with persimmons. Whether things
would be better now without this cosmetic surgery cornucopia running the
Cineplex show, I cannot say. And the truth is, those who went in for
subsequent fruit-ectomies found that they couldn't get into the right parties
anymore and were thus cut out of the loop.......Go rent "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension";
don't come back til you know how to dress.***************
IN WONDERFUL-SURROUND SOUND
***************
Fri, 28 Nov 1997
DOUBLED WONDER
Dear Mr. Dark,
......While you are reading about tennis, I thought I'd add a quick quip
about the universe that I just learned in my graduate Quantum class yesterday.
......Take a photon. Shoot it into a beam splitter at an angle, so that it
has 50% chance of going straight through or straight downwards. Then, run it
through either of two optical fibers (one going straight, the other going
downward. Then cross their paths together once more, to release the photon
into either of two photon detectors. So, either the photon goes thru one path
(say, the straight one), and hits detector 1, or it goes thru the other path,
and strikes detector 2. 50-50.
......If you then place another beam splitter in the way, as the two
fibers cross paths a second time, before you put the photon into the
system, there is a sort of decoherence, and the photon takes BOTH paths.
That's not the weird part. The weird part, is that it's physically possible
to put the second beam-splitter into the 2nd crossing AFTER the photon has
entered the system, and has already chosen the path.
......The photon suddenly decoheres, and you get diffraction. So, the
photon was only taking one path, and then after you put the second beam
splitter into the system (and hence the photon had already chosen only ONE
path), the photon suddenly "KNOWS" that there's interference, and then JUMPS
into BOTH paths.
......Ergo, information is being shared somehow faster than the speed of
light. Einstein said it was spooky, and Feynman can't explain it. Can you?
I figured that you, of all people, can either explain it or put me into
contact with one who might explain it.
......Thank you, Mr. Dark.
............Captain Illuminatus
____________
Dear Schroedinger's Pussy,......The people I could put you in contact with would make your hair turn white.
Assuming you had any left, once they were done with you.......First off, Einstein thought *sea turtles* were spooky. "Ja, dat really creeps
me out," he used to mutter while sinking ducks with us at the pond. And
Feynman was too busy getting laid by groupies to explain anything other than
where the spare toothbrushes were. You want troubled, you should see how Bohr
took the news. They had to pry him off the ceiling with a broomhandle.......I will explain the phenomena in haiku:
......single photon blue
......clear path folding lotus gate
......time remembers fate......(bow)
************************
TRIP THE LIGHT WONDERFUL
************************
Sat, 29 Nov 1997
WONDERICTIONARY
Dear Mr wondermatologist,
......wHAT'S A CUPSIDOR?
Anything like a matador with big teeth?__________________
Dear Don Quixote,
......Nope. A cupsidor is the man that cleans out the cuspidor. Folk etymology
holds that cupsidors were named after Sir William Henry Cupsidor, a legendary
leaker and inveterate pigeon salesman who scandalized all of London with his
bawdy napkins. Cupsidors were in fact named after Cupid, the godling, who
spent a lot of time polishing the insides of cones, if you catch my meaning.
The *cuspidor* was named after Sir William James Cuspidor, who drowned in one
in 1837.***********************
THE NORTH WONDER
***********************
Sat, 29 Nov 1997
DOMESTIC WONDERFUL
two questions for mr wone-n-only,
1. how come my tea tastes like glyptol tonight?
2. do you like oingo boingo?love & pizza-rinds,
squirrel-grrrrrrrrl
___________________Dear Skippy,
......Two answers for the kind of girl the lads love to give nuts,
......1. Your tap water has become left-handed, probably due to the interference of
Erik Estrada, Mexican Soap Opera star and former mayor of Los Angeles. Wear
your underwear on the outside for a few days. If that doesn't work, threaten
to kill one of your hostages every hour, on the hour.......2. Well, never on the first date. I think it's important to get to know
someone first.****************
CHEWBACCA AND WONDERFUL - THE LOST YEARS!
****************
Sat, 29 Nov 1997
W-W-W-WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
Who would win a steel cage match btw yourself and Marilyn Vos Savant? More
importantly, who would promote the event for Pay-Per-View?Signed,
Ares
_________________Dear Macho Man,
......More importantly, where would they bury her body? Both hands tied behind my
back, legs in shackles, blindfolded and gagged, I'd tear her apart! I'd
moidalize her! Give her a chainsaw if you want, that conservative ball of
cheap-ass facts hasn't got a chance!......Unless I can't use my Psychic Spear.
......Nevertheless: A match between "The World's Highest IQ" lady and "The Man Who
Answers All", while short and sweet, could be promoted to the nines by the
finest showman/wizard it has ever been my pleasure to meet... Mr. Pee-Wee Herman.**************
STING LIKE A WONDERFUL
**************
Sat, 29 Nov 1997
PALM D'WONDER
Hey there Wonderful,
......So I was at this art show today and a nice redheaded lady in a
wheelchair is looking at a sculpture of a nekkid lady standing near a
leopard. The nice redhead just loves this sculpture, and goes off about
how the artist really must have sculpted it from his SOUL, and how it's
so powerful and moving and so on. I wasn't big on the piece myself (in my
opinion, most nekkid ladies that hang around leopards are likely to get et)
but I commented on the graceful lines in a nice way. The redhead keeps going
off about it, eventually commenting that, since she's been a psychic for so
many years, she's used to seeing people's true souls in objects. So I made a
polite comment about that, too, something along the "anything you do is a
self-portrait" lines. The redhead then proceeds to take my hand and start
looking at the lines in my palm, which I'm not into or anything, but I'm a
little too weirded out to just pull away real sudden-like. And she tells me
about how soon I'll find myself in close contact with some big wildcat and
that I'll have to make a very important choice at that moment. I managed to
disengage myself before she told me if I'd have any clothes in this encounter
or not.
......My question is, what should I make of this weird prophesy?
......Thanks for your help.
__________________Dear Edgar Cayce,
......You should learn not to browse where Carol Burnett browses.
......Given that your palm was accurate and you hadn't abraded your skin recently
by, say, holding onto the whipping, slithering end of a steel cable as it
plummeted, along with the bridge it was attached to, down into the depths of
an unfathomable gorge, your prophecy probably means this:......While you are watching the Sigfried and Roy show in Las Vegas, the waiter
will come. He will ask you what type of drink you would like to order. All
they have is Pepsi, 7-UP and Caffeine Free Diet Coke.......Unless of course there is a metaphorical component to the manomancy. In that
case it's anybody's guess.******************
JIMINY WONDERFUL
******************
Sat, 29 Nov 1997
ROOT OF WONDER
Dear Mr. Dub,
Something that I think we could all use the answer to:
What is the origin of the word "freak?"
Just Wondering
____________________Dear Sweetums,
......I'm glad you asked.
......"Freak" enjoys a long and proud history in the English language, used as it
is in the works of Chaucer ("Hge Ryghtwise a donny gloon Freak t'bay"), Donne
("If we be freaks/ then we are as dancing fools to god"), Shakespeare ("Saw
you not the king my father, his freakish bow and unblocked feather?") and
Dickens ("Lord, lad, that one's big as freakin' house!"). Cognates also
appear in French ("Le Frique, c'est chic"), Spanish ("Frico Suave"), and Greek
("Agammemnon Phreek") which indicates a much older common origin for the word.......Careful research and an eye for detail reveal this: Much as the word "Caesar"
was corrupted by time and languages ("Kaiser", "Tsar", "Suzerain") but
retained its essential meaning, so "freak" has come to us, much the worse for
wear, but holding on to its basic principles. "Freak" is Egyptian in origin,
dating back as far as recorded history. And the word at the base of it all? "Pharaoh".......Now you know, son of Ra.
******************
WALK LIKE A WONDERFUL
******************
Sun, 30 Nov 1997
THE ONDERFUL WAY
In the spirit of your multi-cultural accessibility, I forward this question to
you sir....Earday Onderfulway,
Owhay anymay anguageslay oday ouyay peaksay?
Ustjay uriouscay,
Inkoay Inkoay
_________________Ihay Endanbray. Ancay ouyay igitday?
......But enough invoking the Triumphant Potentate of Time and Power, we've got
curiosity to satisfy! You know those "Universal Translator" devices they have
in the "Star Trek" future? The ones that not only recognize all alien
languages and translate them into English, but also warp the visual cortex of
the wielder so that the Aliens' lips appear to be speaking English, AND yet
still, seemingly don't translate when they use other terrestrial language
phrases like "deja vu" or "merde"? You know those? Those suck.......Mr. Wonderful knows two languages very well: Body language and the language
of Love. Everything else is just details. To put it another way: Language is
just symbol, symbol is myth, myth is knowledge, knowledge is power, power is
energy, Mr. Wonderful is a walking, talking dynamo. And you can take that to
the bank.
......
......As Shakespeare says in _The Unsufferable Bastard of Verona_, "Marry, We Answer All."******************
ONE OF THESE WONDERFULS
******************
Sun, 30 Nov 1997
CLIPPED WONDER
************** Mister Wonderful here, with a big bag full of prezzies for all
the little... nah, it's just letters, actually.************** PIED PIPETTE had this brief bit to say about Mr. Wonderful's
crypto-poetic "evil twin" response:> Without getting into too many personal details, the answer is
>no; Mr.Wonderful has no evil twin. What he does have is relections.
>And no matter how many times you smash the mirror, they don't go away.......sounds like mr wonderful is enjoying the holiday season! ************* Oh yes, silent and holy nights full of blood and tears all
winter long here at Wonderful Labs, where we put the "Man" back in Manic-depressive.************* And WALK THE MAX PLANCK wanted to add in his two cents on the
question of photons, beam splitters and supra-light information:......Who gives a crap? Fuckin' cat is dead anyways. ************* It's nice to see the prison population taking an interest in
science, isn't it? Now he goes on to Double Jeopardy where the scores can
*really* change.************* Finally, Mr. Wonderful would like to take this time to mention
that despite his hiatus in mid-month we still managed to process 39 queries
this November. That makes *199* since we began last February. Something of a
triumph, I suspect. Now the slate is cleared, the lines are open and the
brain is twitching! To December!*****************
WONDERFUL FOREVER
*****************
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Wisdom and Wit © 1997 Mark Anthony Masterson. Thank you to all the querents (Especially Matt and Tekurah, who played along first), long may your lights blink mercilessly.
