Sun, 05 Oct 1997Please send your queries c/o misterdark@mail.geocities.com
WONDERFUL CONCEPTION
On Wed, 24 Sep 1997, Mister Wonderful wrote:
"Mr. Malice apologizes for the fact that Mr Wonderful spelled "paparazzi" wrong in the middle of a meta-polemic on how to spell paparazzi. Mr Dark is beating them both senseless: Wonderful for screwing up, and Malice for being sorry."
Dear Mr Wondervilla,
......What's a "meta-polemic?" Is it edible?
--Saul Saugh
___________
Dear Dr. Johnson,
......You're thinking of polenta.
......A quick etymology lesson for those who wish to develop Wonderful Vocabularies: "Meta" is derived from the Greek word "Meta" meaning "smart-arse", and "Polemic" from the Scandanavian "Skudihudi" meaning "Vanishing Beaver". Put them together and we have "A biased and angry essay that we really didn't take the time to do enough research on". The term was first coined in 1867 by Wilfred Von Busty at the University of Philadelphia.
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JUMP IN THE WONDERFUL
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WONDERFUL'S BEHIND
Anyway, I went to this wedding last weekend, and I woke up in New Jersey. (Don't try this at home) Feeling as though the 1812 Overture, complete with cannons, had been played in very near proximity to my person, I now have two questions.
1. What in your wonderful opinion (and it is) is the best piece of classical music ever written?
2. What remedies are there for persistent lower back pain?
Just Wondering
(Oh, it hurts)
N
"Not in the face, not in the face!"______________
Dear Spandau Ballet,
......1. Classical Music, classical music.... It's been a while, you understand. I recall one time in the alleyway outside La Scala when I would have sworn to you that the greatest composition known to man was Puccini's "Abarte Della Masca Dellamore Andante Figaro Con Brio Penne Pasta" ("The Guttural Moans of Accomodating Gypsy Ladies in The Alleyway Outside La Scala"). But times change. Mr. Wonderful now feels that there is a perfect classical piece for every individual situation. For instance:
......Going into Battle: Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries"
......Stalking Moonlit Streets: Grieg's "Hall of the Mountain King"
......Stoned Out Of Your Gourd: Strauss' "Also Sprach Zarathustra"
......Impersonating Dudley Moore: Ravel's "Bolero"
......Weeping Unconsolably: Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata"
......Ending Anything: Beethoven's "Ode To Joy"......If you have any other situations in mind, do not hesitate to inquire.
......2. Lower back pain is relieved marvelously by a new technique that replaces your entire spine with a Slinky (tm). The old Jell-o Method has now been entirely abandoned.
......For those with less extreme tastes, there is nothing so fine as the warm, loving hands of a Rhesus monkey.
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BUST UP WONDERFUL, WIN A PRIZE
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WONDERFUL OPINIONS
******** Another set of comments from the near and the dear...
******** PEANUT writes to say:Dear Mr Wonderful,
......In response to the Milli Vanilli thing, I just want to express my opinion that you're weird, sir.
......Marcie
******** But you love me anyway.
******** And quoting me here is THE REVENANT:"...your only warning that you have the job or are even being considered (whether you have contacted us or not) is the "zip" sound of duct tape in the middle of the night."
Doesn't that sound an awful lot like the Wonderful system of getting a date?
--Ass-Monkey******** You remember, do you?
******** Finally, AT LENGTH sends us these:Enclosed are the following UNSOLICITED remarks about what is wonderful.
"Mr. Wonderful answers all those nagging little questions that no one cares about."
Neil S."Without him, we would never get e-mail"
P.J. S."What the hell was that column he did about dead goldfish?"
Clare S."This guy's a friend of yours?!"
Gabriela J."BLAST THE COMMIES! MORE SKIN ON THE X-FILES!"
L.H. Putgrass"Dee-licious! Gotta get me some of that!"
T. Rantula"An inspiration to the clinically insane"
J. Wondering"No, I Emphatically DO NOT read him."
Unidentified Public Library Worker"Naw, I usually just look at the sex pages on the net."
Random Passerby"I caught the live show at Red Rocks, it kicked ass."
John Tesh******* Thank you much, my sweet muffins! I couldn't do it without you! (Actually, I could, but it's probably illegal.)
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WHO WANTS A WONDER?
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THE CRACKS OF WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. W...
I have this "friend" who has noticed that she has hair on her toes. She is wondering if this indicates Hobbit blood somewhere in her family and if so, are there any special powers that accompany such lineage?
...... Sincerely,
......Someone who has friends with hairy toes______________
Dear Ring-bearer,
......Well, it indicates *something* about her family, that's for sure. Most geneticists would conclude they couldn't afford razors. Unless, of course, we're talking about a real pelt down there, the kind of blade-resistant fur that makes up 90 percent of Chuck Norris' body. If that's the case, then your friend is not of Hobbit descent at all.
......She is a Wookie.
......Wookies are strong with the Force and have arms like telephone cables. Do not taunt them by calling out "Hey Clam-breath!" in crowded theater lobbies. Just give them love and noogies.
*************
ONE WONDERFUL TO BIND THEM
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SIPPIN' WONDER
Dear Wonderwhisky,
......I had a surprise party last night in honor of "World Vegetarian Day". We all had fun discussion various subjects and body parts and needless to say there was some drinking involved. Myself and a companion were discussing mixed drinks, his actually, when this question came to mind.
......Why do cold alcoholic drinks seem stronger than those that have been sitting out around for about 10 minutes?
Thanks,
...... Herb TarlickP.S. Do all the cows get party hats on "World Vegetarian Day"?
_______________
Dear K.D. Lang,
......Two answers present themselves:
......1) Cold Drinks freeze most of the forebrain through the soft palate. The bits of brain left functioning are stunned and disorganized, more susceptible to the sneaky guerilla tactics of Tequila and Rum. Quicker than you can say "Maginot Line", you find yourself lying on the floor, thanking the carpet for being your only friend.
......2) Drinks left out at a party have already been drunk. That is why they might seem less "potent".
P.S. No. You are insane.
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THERE WILL BE WONDER
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WONDERCLOSET
************ A whole new slew of questions from our man in the trenches, Just Wondering:I just recently saw the movie "In & Out" and started asking questions of myself...
Why do I like the Village People?
*********** Why don't you ask your Infernal Masters, you Plutonian Freak?! No, no, I am making with the jest here, you macho man, you. You like the Village People because you were raised by wolves.If I can't stand Barbara Streisand does that alone make me straight?
*********** Unfortunately, no. You must also show proof of insurance and leave a deposit.Is Joan Cusack rapidly becoming the funniest woman on the planet?
*********** As she siphons more of her brother's soul-stuff, yes.Do you think Frank Oz screams like Grover when he's upset?
*********** Honey, I know it.What is the recommended procedure for dealing with people who talk in the theater?
*********** Let's see... flame thro--nope, done that. Two-by-four... done that. Done that. Ummm... Oh! Got it! Sharpen your Ike and Mikes to lethal points, dip them in the fake butter, insert them into your soda straw and voila! The Deadly Cineplex Blowgun of North America! Silent, efficient and effective. Aim for the throat.Just Wondering
P.S. When my wife is singing the Star Spangled Banner in the shower, do I stand up?
********** Bits of you do.************
OOOOOH, THAT'S WONDER!
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HIP-HOP WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
......Is life in northern California really all that different from life in southern California? If so, Why? And why haven't they split off into two different states?
...... Love,
......Ms. G. D. Two-Shoes____________
Dear Linda Ronstadt,
......Life is not so different in the two parts of the Golden State: mainly carbon-based, terrestrial in origin and smelling vaguely of persimmons. Disregarding the fact that Life probably emerged about fifteen million years earlier in northern California (better Transit system), you would be hard pressed to tell them apart.
......The two regions have not split off because California is still in the Early Mitotic Prophase. The "sister" Chromatid highways are still joined at the Centromere (or "Fresno"). Geologic Biology is a fascinating, albeit slow, topic and we thank you for giving us a chance to question and terrify Mr. Hunter Obstadt of the California Department of Motor Vehicles.
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SHAMMA-LAMMA WONDER-DONG
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WONDER-VERSY
******* Some time ago we did a column on Classical Music which went over like a lead balloon...
******* First, JOLLY ROGET had these suggestions:Dear Mister Dark,
......I apologize, but I feel you have only given the cliche stuff as suggestions for good classical music. Here's some slightly-off-the-norm stuff that's available, not something you've heard necessarily, and very inspiring:
...... Benjamin Britten: Hymn to St. Cecelia
......Antonio Vivaldi: Gloria
......Phillip Glass: Einstein on the Beach
...... J.S. Bach: Mass in B minor
......W.A. Mozart: Missa Brevis (K.696)****** Mr Wonderful challenges you to come up with the situations that these compositions "perfect". Make 'em good, or there's no supper for you. It's a man's life in the modern advice column.
****** And then before we could even blink, this arrived in the Wonderbox from DIVA MUNDI:I wonder, did Mr. Wonderful acquire his vast familiarity with the classical genre by listening to snippets on television commercials? Or did he actually call the 800 number and order "Easy Classics for Milquetoasts"?
just curious,
the Grande Dame****** Actually, Miss, if you look closely, you'll note that every one of them was ripped-off from a Motion Picture. The Wonder is vast and eclectic, for sure.
****** In other news, THE WEASEL had this to say about people who have to brush their toes:An alternate opinion.
Dear Ring-bearer,
Perhaps her hairiness does not come from her lineage at all. Rumor has it there are certain kinds of activities that promote hair growth in places where the Almighty did not intend hair to be. Find out what sort of nocturnal activities your friend is doing with her toes and when you do, please take photos, have them scanned and post them on the Internet.
Thanks.
****** And, really starting to horn in on my business, he adds this about alcoholic drinks:
Again an alternate response:
Dear K.D. Lang,
To all vegetarians, cold alcoholic drinks do seem stronger than ones left to sit for 10 minutes. This is because during those 10 minutes vegetarians get the shit the kicked out of them by meat-eaters who do so if only for the reason that they can. After you tree-humping, bark munching druids regain consciousness, the great pain and internal injuries from which you suffer somewhat dullen the anesthetic effects of your umbrella wearing Mai Tai.
Love,
Sir Loin of Sizzle****** And we all marvel at the iron balls of man who'd use the word "dullen".
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YOU'RE WAITING FOR WONDER
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HUBBA-HUBBA WONDER
Dear Wonderful,
Is Salma Hayek the Queen of the Universe or the Multiverse and if she were to expire, who would take the throne?
____________
Dear Gary Gygax,
......Oh my dear suffering sweet jelly-fish eating Lord, have you seen this month's issue of Bikini Magazine? This is not a joke. Get one quick, before the bookstore burns down. Get two. Call Webster's and tell them they're gonna need some more room in "S" because "Sultry" has a whole new meaning.
......This I know: Salma is certainly Queen of my Pants.
......As to the question of her successor, I should have your tongue pulled out and boiled in mole sauce, blasphemer! Love never dies! But let me tell you... if Bea Arthur has a few spare moments, she could fill out an application.
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ABRACAWONDERFUL
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FATHER WONDERFUL
Querido Senor,
......I was having a very deep and meaningful discussion about art history with my lovely wife the other night. A rather interesting question came up while we were studying a portrait painted by the late, great Hans Holbein: Did King Henry VIII have a lot of back hair?
......Sinceramante,
......Inigo Montoya
......Barcelona
______________Dear Greasy,
......Dear me, I wouldn't want to be around when you Spanish love-birds run across a *dull* question. No wonder you're always throwing yourselves under bulls.
......King Henry VIII, the bon vivant, tennis-playing, chicken-quaffing Monarch of all England, had back hair like a South American rain forest. It is a matter of record that he did not officially divorce his fourth wife, Anne of Cleves; the castle scuttlebutt had it that she had simply hugged him from behind one evening and was never seen again.
*************
THE WONDERFUL ARMADA
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RUBBING WONDER
Dear Mr. W,
Regarding your recent hairy monarchs column, which other famous royalty are known to be hirsute? I know that when Prince Ranier takes his shirt off, it looks like he's wearing a sweater.
Just Wondering (and feeling itchy)
__________________
Dear Cromwell,
......Surprisingly enough, Elizabeth II of England did not make the list. A swimming holiday off the coast of Nice with her father, George VI, turned tragic when an electric eel wrapped itself around the pre-pubescent princess. As a result, she is completely hairless to this day, despite being German.
......FABULOUSLY HAIRY MONARCHS, DEAD OR ALIVE
......1) King Erik Bloodaxe of Norway (930-934), son of King Harald Fairhair (872-930 and none too cleanshaven himself)
......2) Queen Margrethe II of Denmark (thick as a badger)
......3) King Taufa'ahau Tupou IV of Tonga (most irritated man in the South Pacific)
......4) King Louie of the Jungle (technically an orangutang, but unmistakably regal)
......5) King Rehoboam of the Southern Kingdom of Judah (931-913 BC) (6' 5" and frequently mistaken for a carpet)
......6) Grand Duke Jean of Luxembourg (owns every razor in the country)
......7) Steve Martin as King Tut (funny, but furry)
......8) King Nezahualcoyotl of the Aztecs (1429-1440) (they called him "Old Sea Sponge")
......9) King Mosheshwe II of Lesotho (always has to play "Chewbacca")
......10) Prince Voltan of the Hawkpeople (a beard that could stop a bullet)*****************
LICK MY LOVE WONDERFUL
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WACKY WONDER
************* By the way, are all of you aware that when stars (***) precede a sentence, they mean it (the sentence) is from me, Mister Wonderful? And if they don't, it isn't?
Dear Mr Dub,
Since your last influx of messages to all of us adoring New Jerseyans, there have been some ruminations here.
1) What exactly is the stuff on the inside of an Etch-a-Sketch?
************ Cobalt and electricity. A fortunate and edifying by-product of Alfred Nobel's search for an inert substance to mix with Nitroglycerin. Another is the gin martini.2) Where, besides Wonderful's bedroom, is the most fantastic place on Earth?
************ You're asking me to go outside my areas of expertise, there. I'd have to say it's about six inches to the left of Antonio Banderas.3) How chewy is a Charleston Chew?
************ Oh, you seventies nostalgiasts crack me up. It's just not that chewy.4) Who does Dilbert remind you of?
************ Aside from Drew Carey and Fred Beyer? Mentally, he reminds me of a shrewd Jamie Farr. Spiritually: Pope Innocent VI.5) Did Mssrs. Dark and Malice do time in Juvenile Institutions?
************ Mssrs. Dark and Malice *are* Juvenile Institutions.Just Wondering (between naps)
************ Just Wonderful (between depressive cycles)************
HALLELUJAH WONDERFUL
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MODERN WONDERFUL
Hey,
like,
me and some buds were at this art museum and they,
like,
had some really funky sh*t on the walls and we,
like,
started wondering how they choose who gets to,
like,
draw all over the walls and pee in corners and other stuff that,
like,
don't really seem real artitsic,
you know?____________
Dear William Carlos Williams,
......You weren't at an art museum, Sparky, you were at a kindergarten.
......Pass the crack pipe.
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WHOOSH, IT'S WONDERFUL
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POLITELY WONDER
Dear Mr Wondermanners,
...... I recently gave my former prom date, with whom I am not currently romantically involved, an "Ab-blaster" exercise machine for his birthday. My mother, upon hearing of this present, proclaimed in a shocked tone that "a lady DOES NOT give such a thing to a gentleman." Is this true? And if it is, why? What kind of condolence card ought I send?
......Yours,
...... Run-around Sue________________
Dear Suzanne Somers,
......In all likelihood your mother thought she heard you say you had given this ex-beau "alabaster". As we all know, alabaster is a prime medium for sculptors, and sculptors need models and models work in the nude; therefore, for centuries, alabaster has been the preferred gift for when you care enough to say "Please strip me down and take me, you fabulously complex and moody artist person, you."
......Obviously, your mother has heard of this (wink, wink).
......Any type of personal improvement device, on the other hand, is a lovely gift. No condolences are necessary, unless there is some sort of accident and your friend winds up with a T-shaped spleen.
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THE BREAKFAST OF WONDERFUL
***************
SOME WONDER
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
......My wife wants to know why you're so darn loveable.
......Signed,
......The future of our nation's youth___________
Dear Mr. Makeyousqueal,
......As is often the case, several theories present themselves to the open mind:
......1) A rare alignment of the planets focusing the gravitic lens of Earth through the constellation of Cassiopeia, ushering in the Age of Wonderful.
......2) My sensitive and probing nature, as revealed by Kirlian photographs.
......3) Powerful thighs.
......4) Your wife likes a man with a large vocabulary who knows how to use it.
......5) I'm not afraid to wear women's clothes.
......6) Wisdom never goes out of style.
......7) Basically, chicks dig me because the truth is in my pants.**************
SHOOT ME IN THE WONDERFUL
**************
WONDERFUL'S BIG BROTHER
Just a few comments:
I asked Mr. Wonderful for his OPINION on the greatest classical music. To those of you who feel that his OPINION was rather cliche or not inclusive of certain classical pieces, please note that I DID NOT ask for "off-the-beaten-path" classical music, but rather his OPINION. There is nothing wrong with liking stuff that is common or popular, and personally those who make fun of someone for their OPINION of popular things need to be very quick to run away from people they happen to piss off.
Also alternate responses to readers are nice, but lacking in total smarm, so keep em' short, and let the professionals handle the really tough greasy stains.
Speaking of household cleansers, what are the most potentially dangerous combinations of cleaning products?
Just Wondering
P.S. Also cast for me the Live Action 'Bloom County' movie.
______________
Dear Spin Doctor,
......Mr. Wonderful appreciates the kind words, but can handle criticism. Usually he handles it locked in the bathroom, sobbing, but he handles it.
......As to your query, we asked Sven the Well-Coiffed Houseboy what dangers he had encountered while cleaning up around Wonderful Labs. He was eager to help, as usual, given the accomodating nature of most Nordic people. Many were the tales he regaled us with that night, let us tell you. In fact, things got a little raucous around the fifth bucket of Sven's Special Homebrew, and that's why we're so late in answering your question. Basically, all we remember is this:
......"Never dip your mop into the 409 and the Simple Green on the same night. It can only end in tears."
P.S. A live Action Bloom County? Oh dear, get out your Eighties Helmets now, kids...
......Binkley: A young Anthony Michael Hall... or Andy Dick
......Milo Bloom: David Spade
......Oliver Wendell Jones: The inevitable Will Smith
......Bill the Cat: A Computer Generated Bucket of Vomit
......Hodge-Podge: David Hyde Pierce
......Portnoy: Neil Switzer
......Cutter John: Tom Selleck
......Steve Dallas: Robert Downey, Jr.
......Opus: Nathan Lane
......Mrs. Whacker: Madeline Albright
MR. WONDERFUL'S BACKTALK
************* When people read Wonder, they just gotta shout out...
************* This is a note from THE LIBRARIAN:In response to the situation with Queen Elizabeth II, are you sure that it was an electric eel that rid her of all her body hair? A little research in the Wonderful archives points to, perhaps, the diabolical influence of a certain early incarnation of Hugh Grant . . .
************* Nah. Men from Atlantis have better ways to get their kicks then depillitating little girls near France. Plus, I hear they're all deathly afraid of tiaras. Go figure.
************* Then there's the concern of SMOKINGMAN:If the Truth is in your pants you might want to watch out for that Fox Mulder person and those shady government types, they would probably all like to get their hands on the thing in your pants.
Yours Sincerly, Y (Oh dear, we're running out of letter in the black informants union).
************* Oh... I wouldn't worry too much about that. You let that nice Agent Mulder just give it a try. Woo-hoo!
*************
NOT THE ONLY WONDERFUL
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FUZZY WUZZY WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
1. On a recent "Politically Incorrect" with Bill Maher, Tony Danza was a guest and he said he'd never vote for anyone who refers to himself in the third person. I am curious about how Mr. Wonderful feels about this. Did Danza hurt Mr. Wonderful's feelings? Does Mr. Wonderful plan to run for office?
2. You constantly make fun of people with body hair, telling women to shellac their legs, tormenting young girls who recently discovered hair on their big toes, and making fun of the late great Henry 8. Now, I want to know how much hair Mr. Wonderful has from head to toe. Every centimeter. Be specific. I NEED TO KNOW. Does this teasing come from a deep-rooted insecurity about Mr. Wonderful's body hair? I think I'm onto you.
3. Which of the following people would you rather have a one-night stand with: A poet, a painter, a musician, a thief, a sculptor, or a completely hairless person who reads a lot?
Love Always,
Ukulele Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl!______________
Dear Dr. Freud,
......1.) The day Mr. Wonderful worries about Tony Danza's opinion is the day rabid swamp badgers arrive on death-black Harley-Davidson Motorcycles stinking of rum colas, wearing "WE HATE WONDERFUL" t-shirts, wielding day-glo atomic John Holmes vibrators embedded with rusty razorblades and only Mr. Danza can reason with them. Otherwise, Mr. Wonderful will continue using whatever person suits him.
......Mr. Wonderful is above politics, but does enjoy state dinners.
......2.) Using the Mayan system of measurement, Mr. Wonderful has 2.3 baktun of hair left, but it's all over after 2012 anyway. He is rather hurt that you forgot his hairless Hugh Grant slander, and hopes that everyone will realize that deep down he just likes to make fun of anyone who can't beat him up.
......3.) Oh, it's like being at 31 Flavors! Can't I get a double-scoop? A swirl if it's soft-serve? Ah well, decisions... decisions... only one night? Oh my... errr, how 'bout this:
......The Poet if it were Anne Sexton (although not dead)
......The Painter if it were Salvador Dali (ditto)
......The Musician if it were Eric Clapton (he *was* God, y'know)
......The Thief if it were Catwoman (not that Pfeiffer chick, the real deal!)
......The Sculptor if it were Rodin (not dead, and if he washes)
......The Hairless Reader if it were Sinead O'Connor (and a bucket of oil)************
ANNO WONDERFUL
************
MIXED WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
......I'm a friend of a Wonderfulette who's currently in the middle of a romantic crisis. I have a mad lust for a coworker who's giving me mixed signals: one minute he's jocular and almost flirty, the next guarded, awkward, and discouraging. What's a girl (who prides herself on a 90% success rate in the seducing dept.) to do?
Signed,
Starting to Doubt my Abilities_____________
Dear Jenny McCarthy,
......Only 90%? For starters, you need to order Mr. Wonderful's "HOW TO LAND A FELLA!" exercise tapes.
......But the problem here seems more to be with the stud you're trying to sautee. He's flippant, and as we all know, flippancy really bags a babe out. This could be due to many factors, but is most likely because he's, uh, a man. Jeez-louise, why do you think there are so many dykes?
......If you want to give him *any* benefit of the doubt (but for chrissakes, why? Not only are there plenty of fish in the sea, but there are plenty of lions in the desert, birds in the trees, beetles in the rainforest, Chippendales in the clubs, etc.), it could be that he is heavily influenced by the position of the moon. Many weak-souled individuals are. Or maybe he only flirts when he's got enough coffee in him; 'Ware the break-room, say the mystic ladies.
......The trick is to re-direct your lust. Ha-ha! Yeah, if it were that easy, there'd be no need for whiskey. Oh, whiskey! That's it! Slip a few pints into his sportsbottle, see if that doesn't change your luck.
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DANCE TO THE WONDERFUL
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SQUINTING AT WONDER
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
......I have been saving up for months to afford the postage for this letter, thirty-two cents! highway robbery, I tell you. I was considering delivering it myself rather than support the not-so-secretly-Fascist-Liberal-Passive-Aggressive-Vegan-Communist Regime that is the U.S. Postal System, but that would be giving in somehow, wouldn't it?
......Anyway, here are my questions, which I have written all in this one letter for the aforementioned reasons.
......If a bug flies into your eye, and you can't get it out, because you're on a long walk out in the woods and there's no mirror, will it eventually be digested by the brain?
......And therefore, if fish is "brain food", will it be more effectively utilized if taken "by eye"?
......And if measurements can be taken "by eye", does that mean the fish is actually the one doing the measuring?
......Or will the fish eat the bug?
......Will alcohol impede this process?
Signed-
......Saving it all for you, Miranda________________
Dear Aristotle,
......You are one wacky palooka.
......Oddly enough, you're not alone. In 1952, Dr. Helmut Grimley of the University of Bremen drank two pints of peppermint schnapps, then placed a live mackeral over each eye, strapping them down with kite string. This was his latest experiment in a series designed to map the hidden powers of the human brain. He did not expect that the brain would digest the fish, rather he felt that "that mind, ja, it's twisty like a bird,
, and the buggrit, buggrit, and we gotta fish for it! Fish! Fish! Like to like! Genius! Anaconda!" ......Unbeknownst to the plucky German, a tiny blackfly had sauntered onto his veranda/lab and become trapped between his left eye and its attendant mackeral. The fish did not eat the fly. What happened instead was revealed sixteen hours later, when Dr. Grimley's trusted assistant Rita removed the fish: The fly and the doctor had exchanged brains! Further experiments proved this conclusively, but it was pretty certain the first eighteen times the doctor banged his head into the screen door trying to get out. The fly spent the rest of its life writing scientific papers by landing on one letter at a time and having Rita transcribe. He got as far as "Oh, this is so embarra-" before old age overtook him.
......So the answers to your questions are no, maybe, no, no, can't hurt.
***************
EXIT THE WONDERFUL
***************
SHADOW OF WONDERFUL
************* No need to panic! It's just comments from the faithful few...
************* First, DEATHSPUNK goes to great lengths to disagree:Okay, a really late reply to an old bit o' Wonderful.
On Oct.16th Wonderful stated:"Life is not so different in the two parts of the Golden State: mainly carbon-based, terrestrial in origin and smelling vaguely of persimmons. Disregarding the fact that Life probably emerged about fifteen million years earlier in northern California (better Transit system), you would be hard pressed to tell them apart."
Whoa, nelly. As someone who was born and raised in Southern California and who has being going to school in Northern California for the last three years, I don't buy that statement. Life in Southern and Northern California is so different that the people almost make up two different species. In fact, the North and South were actually settled by different species, namely:
Southern: rich East Coast assholes who came to make bucks off of Hollywood and the suckers it attracted (their descendents became yuppies about 50 years later).
Northern: Oregonians who got too drunk one night and wandered across the state line.Other differences:
South: great freeways, excellent for bank robbery getaways.
North: freeways don't seems to connect anything in particular; probably designed to connect architect's house with favorite bar more than any particular cities.North: great mass transit
South: a carpool counts as mass transitSouth: cheaper drugs
North: liquor stores that actually sell nothing but liquorSouth: freak population is equal parts fashion victims and aggressively psychotic individuals who make the Southern half of the state unsafe to walk around at night
North: can walk around at night, but you may run into one of the relatively nonviolent but genuinely disturbing individuals only capable of being bred in small townsSouth: Murder capital of the known universe (esp. serial murder)
North: either just gets the bizarre ones (Zodiac, Vampire of Sacramento) or else they just pack them all into one city (Santa Cruz)We could go on, but it'd be even more boring. Suffice to that say that the only reason Northern and Southern California haven't split is that the North needs the tax money, and the South needs the North's water. Economic leeches are also a fascinating study, especial when you find a pair stuck together.
--The Ass-Goblin
************* True, and if the question were in fact about life*styles*, you would have quite a point. As it is, we got the same primordial soup being served up and down the coast. Leben heisst leben, baby.
************* Then LEXICON-MAN elevates us with:Dear Mr. W,
I object to your use of the word "dykes"; I believe the acceptable term is "carpetmunchers".
************* Goodnight, everybody!
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FALLING IN WONDERFUL
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Wisdom and Wit © 1997 Mark Anthony Masterson. Thank you to all the querents (Especially Matt and Tekurah, who played along first), long may your lights blink mercilessly.
