Mon, 01 Sep 1997Please send your queries c/o misterdark@mail.geocities.com
CLASS WONDER
Dear Wonderboy,......When I was in kindergarten, Smokey the Bear came to visit my class. Smokey's eyes were made out of painted metal mesh, and I could see the guy inside the Smokey suit through them. So, I poked at the Smokey the Bear eye, and my teacher made me apologize because it's not polite to poke people in the eyes. My question to you is, why do kindergarten teachers insist on treating 5 year olds like idiots? Do you suppose she really thought we believed it was actually Smokey and not some silly guy in a fake fur suit and a giant ranger hat?
_______________
Dear Spanky,......The simple answer to your question is that kindergarten teachers treat 5 year-olds like idiots because 5 year olds are, in fact, no more intelligent than a celery stalk. Anyone with any sense usually arranges to skip that age entirely.
......Your case is somewhat special. A crack team of Wonderful investigators uncovered this: You are in fact the Chosen One, heir to the divine essence of Rami-Thuggas. Your teacher was a mystical tutor sent by the Black Hand of Mombasa to protect you and guide you on the numinous path. "Smokey" was a CIA agent. When you poked at his eye, you nearly sent the Deadly Pentalba Sign through Agent Franco's skull, which would have had severe international repercussions, not to mention freaked the holy hell out of the other children.
......Do not come to my neighborhood on your 25th birthday.
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ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT WONDERFUL THINGS
*****************Fun New Orleans Fact #1: Alligator tastes a lot more like pork than chicken.
TASTY WONDER
Dear Mr. Wonderful,What's that special sauce used in Big Macs?
________________
Dear Mr. President,......Do you really want to know?
......Okay, but I think you're making a big mistake: Most restaurants would make the sauce by using mayonnaise, ketchup, diced pickles, vinegar and essence of onions. McDonald's makes theirs "special" by adding a secret ingredient, one insisted upon by the shadowy corporate enitity who owns and controls 15 percent of the world's wealth.
......That secret ingredient is Kryptonite. Watch yourself at the drive-through, Clark.
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WONDER'S GONNA BE SUED
*****************Fun New Orleans Fact #2: Bourbon Street smells like the ass-end of an alleycat.
WONDER SPHERES
Dear MWAA,......Is Pluto the dog named after Pluto the planet or is it the other way around?
_____________
Dear Copernicus,......I hate to break this to you, but there is no longer any Pluto the planet. You may have heard the government's cover story about "astronomers" deciding it was "too small" and "erratic" to be a planet, but the fact is that some Swiss diplomats asked to borrow it for the weekend and just totally trashed it.
......Actually, both entities were named after the woman who discovered them: child star Dana Plato. A particularly vowel-impaired secretary recorded her accomplishments, and the rest is animastrological history.
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TEE-HEE, WONDERFUL
*******************Fun New Orleans Fact #3: They have no laws against *anything* down there.
BOXING WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wondersunshinemadnessofsweetpies;I received tiny tighty whities jock underpants in my latest issue of Rolling Stone. Brand is Fruit of the Loom. They are too tiny, even for my bird. I don't know what to do with them, or who to send them to. Do you have any ideas?
Signed,
confused white girl in the boonies who likes the moon and shampoos_________________
Dear Edie,......I want to know what kind of relationship you have with your bird.
......Nonetheless, I have consulted the Wonderful Watch Wire and come up with the following for you:
......A LIST OF PEOPLE WHO COULD USE TINY, TINY UNDERPANTS FOR VARIOUS UNDISCLOSED (BUT OBVIOUS) REASONS
......Yoda
......Elton John
......Stephen Hawking
......William Wegman
......The Atom
......That guy from the original "Fly" movie
......Carol Channing
......The Artist formerly, etc.
......Robin......And if you cannot unload them, remember: no one looks bad in an eyepatch.
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HUNGRY LIKE THE WONDERFUL
*****************Fun New Orleans Fact #4: No matter what they say, the strippers don't love you.
WONDER WONDER
Dear Mr. Wonderful,I've been having the most terrible problem lately, you see I fell in love with this wonderful guy and the only word I can think of to describe him is WONDERFUL. My predicament is that everytime I say how wonderful he is, I think I am misusing your name. Even if I think of spelling it differently- OneDear(phull), or more simply Wonder-full- or if I reword the meaning- satisfyingly ponderous...well...I don't think it's quite right. Am I really plagarizing your name? I am at a loss. It's not like he continually hands out advice on any and every topic handed to him, just most.
......Could you please help? I seem to have lost my thesaurus, and my ability to get past how wonderful he is (see?!).
......I apologize for the extreme lovey-doveyness of this letter, but I am in desperate straits to find new words, before your name starts to seriously damage this relationship.
Indebted,
-Bubbles_____________
Dear Princess,......I apologize for the tardiness of this reply. Please do find it in your heart to forgive me.
......While I am flattered that you think of the word "Wonderful" when you think of your most excellent beau, you should know that even now hordes of lawyers are being dispatched to your door armed to the teeth with cease-and-desists orders, as well as trout. It's not plagiarism, but it is trademark violation.
......If I may, I will suggest an alternative adjective for your man: Spunky. It has all the flavor and richness of Wonderful, without any of the unreasonable expectations. "Oh, that was *spunky*!" you'll cry while falling back into the haycart, etc.
......In fact, you should probably practice saying "spunky" as often as possible. Crowded elevators are excellent for such training sessions.
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MMMM-MMMMM, WONDERFUL
*********************Fun New Orleans Fact #5: Don't accept a taxi ride from a man who calls himself "Mr. Blue".
EXTENDED WONDERFUL
************Another tsunami of queries from everyone's favorite muser. As always, he encourages public response as well:In response to the gentlemen who wondered why we don't see certain things:
The crucifix-shaped vibrator?
- Two words: The ExorcistA very old man with a working yo-yo?
- Does the name Tommy Smothers ring a bell?A ton of mayo in two piles?
- Is there a Costco or Sam's Club near where you live?Leave the tough questions to the experts, son.
Like -a) If James Bond had to capture La Femme Nikita, how many bystanders would die?
********** What's the current population of London?
b) Where would we be without Velcro?
********* Oddly enough, exactly two miles east of here.c) What happened to mainstream comic books? Why do they suck?
********* You're not reading JLA, boyo. When the best-selling comic features the new Green Arrow busting into his dad's trophy case and being forced to use the Boxing-Glove Arrows, you know there's something right in a tiny, still portion of the world's soul. On the other hand, Rob Liefeld is still alive, so there's no justice. What? No, I don't read comics...uh, they're for kids.d) The guy who wrote the song about liking New York in June was high, wasn't he?
********* As a Rastafarian on the Space Shuttle.e) What is the single greatest TV commercial in the history of broadcasting?
********** Pepsi. Salma. 'Nuff said.f) Speaking of being high, what's the best munchie food? Not that you've indulged in that sort of thing.
********** Speaking as a recently converted devotee of Cajun cooking, I cannot say that the snack world holds much for me anymore. However, in my younger years, I did enjoy a good pretzel rod. Make of that what you will, Freudians.Just Wondering - (professionally)
"the boss gesture""Candlesticks usually make a nice gift. Find out where they're registered, get a place setting, or a silverware pattern's nice."
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DANCE YOUR WONDERFUL OFF
******************Fun New Orleans Fact #6: In no other city do people actually pee like race-horses; that is, fully-exposed, while walking along the sidewalk, in a crowd.
POW! WONDERFUL
Dear Mr Wonderful,......I have this chicken and she is very low-energy in this heat, and this is a problem because my stepmom is coming over and she looks down on less-than-perky poultry. Any advice?
......Apprehensive in Atlanta
____________
Dear Gonzo,......A bear-trap in your front yard should do the trick. Nothing makes a chicken laugh harder than relatives trying to gnaw their own legs off.
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SHORT, SWEET, WONDERFUL
********************Fun New Orleans Fact #7: Your hotel would charge you for breathing their air, if they could.
VERMICELLI WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Wonderful,......My kitchen floor is mysteriously crawling with maggots. They are the same color as the linoleum. My housemate who alerted me to the situation sprayed the little guys with oven-cleaner (apparently in an attempt to poison them?) and then ran away to work. Oven cleaner doesn't seem to kill maggots, but it does make them stick to brooms and mops, so that as I try to remove them I only spread them around the floor. Do you have any cleaning advice for me?
......Distressed in Dagget
______________
Dear Lucy,......What are they teaching kids in school these days? Oh, that at this end of the Twentieth Century, a young person can receive a diploma and still not know the fundamentals of housekeeping. Listen:
......What you need is a flamethrower. Haven't you seen _Alien_?
......Take care of your larval problem, then make plans to educate your housemate. I would use a two-by-four with a nail in it.
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WHISKEY AND WONDERFUL
****************Fun New Orleans Fact #8: A Mint Julep is just Bourbon and sugar with a twig in it.
BOK, BOK WONDERFUL
Dear MWAA,......Why would you shave a chicken?
______________
Dear Colonel,......Wait, let me get a hard-hat on before I walk into this one...
......So that they look better in the garter belt and stockings, of course.
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MR. WONDERFUL ON MY SHOULDER
**************Fun New Orleans Fact #9: Children have absolutely nothing to do there.
ARMORED WONDERFUL
Dear Mr Wonderful,...... I am anticipating a trip to Ecuador and was wondering if you had any advice about dealing with vampire bats. I'm not talking horror-movie guys in goofy outfits-- living in the college residence halls taught me how to deal with them-- but rather the fuzzy little winged mammals that like to land on people's foreheads, bite, and then gently lick blood from said wound. Would it help to use bug spray? Wear a hardhat? Eat lots of garlic? Drink heavily of the cassava- based beer so that I don't even notice the nightttime intruders?
...... Yours,
......Wallace Times, anthropologist_____________
Dear Harker,......Of all your suggestions, the last would probably be the most effective. Bug Spray is just tabasco to the little buggers, a hardhat would open up like a can of Pringles, and the garlic thing is a myth started by Frenchmen. Heavy drinking will allow you to rest easy, but unless you want to spend the rest of your life as "Scarry, the Scar-headed Boy", you need more protection.
......Ancient tribesmen had two very popular methods of dealing with these nocturnal exsanguinators. The first was to coat yourself with oil (to prevent your natural odor from attracting the bats), then wear an ingeniously designed Hat of Flame (to frighten off any who happened to wander by). When the entire Dahoomi Nation disappeared one smoky weekend, that practice was discontinued. The second popular method was to dress as a giant bat, squeak a lot, and generally pretend to be "just one of the flying mammals". That ended when they were all sued by Warner Brothers.
......These days, the accepted practice is just to remain tough. Let them know who's boss. If one of them bites you, you bite two of them. They'll get the picture.
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I VANT TO SUCK YOUR VONDERFUL
*****************Fun New Orleans Fact #10: Don't go if you don't like mule dung.
WONDERFUL'S DEEP THROAT
Dear Mr Wonderful,How was New Orleans? Hope you got a chance to stop by Antoine's for some Oysters Rockefeller.
And now for something completely different.....
While I am NOT some conspiro-phile who is pledged to seeing Ross Perot as President in 2000 nor do I have an Internet site filled theories as to how Elvis really died, who really killed JFK or how the NBC show "Wings" lasted eight seasons, I must inquire about the death of a great woman.
......Diana, Princess of Wales, was the type of chick that melted even the stone-cold ice of this Hobbesian conservative's heart. She exuded warmth and sincerity in her crusades against the ills and evils of this horrible world. She was a caring, doting mother to her two sons. I respected this woman...not only as someone I wanted to bang until her eyes rolled so far behind her head she could see back in time but as someone who was a true humanitarian. As such, I must question whether or not the Queen and her lackey, Dumbo-eared son initiated some sort of machinations that caused her untimely death. Diana's death could not have come at a better time for the royals. The two princes will not be the stepsons of some Egyptian billionaire playboy who lacks even a stately manor. There is no disgruntled ex-wife to badmouth Charles from becoming the future king of England. At a time wherein not even 50% of the British population supports the monarchy, this event will rally sympathy for the Royals. Lastly, Queen Elizabeth can look into her mirror and be assured that the 20th century Snow White will no longer be a threat.
......Did the Royals have some special unit of MI5 or MI6 (I can never remember which one, the one James Bond was not a part of) take care of the lovely Diana? Perhaps we will never know. In world where a fat, aged, washed up football hero can murder his lovely ex-wife and her male companion, who is to stop the future monarch of the British Empire from doing the same?
_______________
Dear "Spooky" Mulder,......Mr. Wonderful had a great time in New Orleans. He didn't go to Antoine's because it was too damn hot to wear a jacket for *anyone*.
......As you seem to have every angle of this too-convenient death covered, I will be brief: at first I suspected the French. Then I thought some more and came to the same MI5 conclusion as you. Then I happened to glance down at my extensive collection of Life magazines and saw a picture that stunned me with its eerie coincidence: Princess Grace of Monaco. All at once, the truth of the situation snapped into place. I will say no more, lest every person who reads this become a potential target.
......Of course, most of you *should* be safe.
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WHAT'S BEHIND THE WONDERFUL?
*****************Final Fun New Orleans Fact: Anne Rice ain't got nothing on Branford Marsalis.
THE WONDERFUL RETURNETH
Dear Mr. Wonderful,......I have an interesting question for you about my bird. She is a lovebird and her name is Zoe. She is very tame and affectionate towards all members of our family with occasional nippings and blood-drawings. One day, my mother came back from the hair salon, with new gel on her head. Zoe promptly flew over and sat on my mom's head. After she felt the texture with her claws, she proceeded to walk around in circles, squatting and swinging her butt like a Tahitian dancer, and her tail went swish, swish, swish tickling my mom's forehead and eyelids. During this little dance, she also started making clicking and bird-grunting noises.
......Now Zoe does this on my mom's head on a daily basis for up to half an hour, even when she is not wearing the gel. Sometimes she even does it on my mom's hands. We're not sure what Zoe is doing or expressing to my mother. I called the bird farm and they said that she probably feels like breeding and if she lays an egg, just to pull it out. They also mentioned that she is probably having a good time. They said that this phase should pass, but it has been going on for over a month.
......An ornithologist lives across the street, and he says that parrots do all kinds of weird things and that she probably just likes my mom a lot. But no one is able to give us a clear answer as to what this behavior is. Could it be a mating dance? So I decided to ask you. I know you must know the reasons behind this as you are Mr. Wonderful. Please enlighten us. My friends are becoming puzzled as well.
Signed,
Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians.P.S. In your last response, you were curious about my relationship with my bird. I hope this explains it.:)
___________________
Dear Tippi Hedron,......No. No, "explains" is not the word Mr. Wonderful would choose.
......Several wild, spurious theories leap to mind, but they are in no way to be regarded as official wisdom and we offer them only in the interest of completeness:
......* Your mother is training the bird to act as her disguise when she absconds with the church funds and scrams to Brazil.
......* The bird is actually still stuck to your mother's head by a long and enthusiastic strand of "super-gel".
......* Your mother lost all her hair six months ago in a nasty jackhammer incident. Doctors (stoned on Grape Nehi) removed the top of her head and replaced it with a Chia-Skull (tm). The bird grooves to the grassy adobe feel of it.
......* Sheer bloody-mindedness.
......* Your mother is having an affair with the ornithologist. (This might be true anyway, but is still not an official explanation for the bird's behavior)
......* Zoe's battery is dead, resetting her PRAM values. See your local authorized Apple dealer.......A moment's reflection, however, and the true hand behind your bird's actions reveals itself: Jell-o shots.
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WONDERFUL STRAIGHT UP
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OUTDATED WONDERFUL
For those of us who are concerned . . .Mr. Wonderful, I don't think you should be answering questions as any form of assistance or aid to the needy. Consider the trend of death in threes. Princess Di, and now Mother Theresa. If you have any thread of self preservation in you, you should answer the next few inquiries as snotty and abrasive as you can. Wait for the Fates to claim their 3rd humanitarian, and then go back to being the helpful insightful, nay WONDERFUL that you are.
Will you at least be careful? (practice question)
Just Wondering
(Who's gonna die next kids?)
(Send your votes to pswitzer@eden.rutgers.edu)___________________
Dear Worry-wart,......Heaven's not ready for me and Hell's afraid I'll take all the chicks. I'll be dispensing wisdom for quite some time yet.
......Besides, my delay in answering this query has given Burgess Meredith his chance at bat.
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SASSY LIL WONDERFUL
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THE GREEN WONDERFUL
Dear Mr Wonderful,......I have a question about something very personal and just a little bit embarassing. I met a man, who was very appealing, at the juice bar last week. He seemed interested in me, too, and he asked to meet me there again in a few days. The only problem is that he has a strange phobia of broccoli. I happen to have decorated my entire apartment in a broccoli motif, for I find the vegetable to be very sunny and warm in a caring sort of way. What should I do if he wants to visit me at home? What if he wants to spend the night and discovers my broccoli bedspreads? I fear I may lose him forever. Please advise.
--Natalie Maerica
Defiance, Ohio__________________
Dear Jolly,......Heh. There, uh, is a solution to your (you have to admit) unique dilemma, I assure you. Excuse me, I seem to have something in my eye...
......Where was I? Oh, yes. Separating the fruit from the vegetables. Heh. I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm saying. Let's start again.
......Book passage for you and your new guy to Limerick, Ireland. Tour the lovely city, drink lots of beer and generally point out many of the non-threatening green things on the "Emerald Isle". Avoid Belfast, as green things that explode could be a major setback. After some weeks of this, sound out your lover, and see if he isn't generally more well-disposed to all things green, including broccoli.
......If this method fails, catch a ferry to England, then proceed north along the M5 until you reach Scotland. Propose a tour of Loch Ness. Tell lots of scary stories about hungry leviathans along the way. As you stand on the cold shore, subliminally hum the theme from 'Jaws'. After about ten minutes of tension, signal the ninjas you hired earlier. When they burst forth from the grey lake, your man should have a whole new host of phobias and forget all about that petty little broccoli thing.
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LIKE A, LIKE A WONDERFUL MACHINE
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MORE OUTDATED WONDERFUL
Dear Wonderfully At One With the Multiverse,While enjoying a vodka martini (shaken not stirred and of course made from the best Russian vodka), I have reconsidered my former theory on the Princess Diana tragedy. I no longer believe that the British Royal family had anything to do with her untimely demise. The incredibly inept and callous way the House of Windsor has handled this sad event makes me believe they are in no way responsible for it. Obviously, centuries of inbreeding have left the Royals with the IQs of broomsticks. How strange that one of the most wealthy and powerful families in the world have so much in common with some tarpaper shack, 12-toed clan from the Ozarks.
I have drawn up a list of suspects who are listed in no particular order:
1) The A-Team - This Vietnam era of commandos were experts in outwitting their opponents. However, I find this possibility unlikely since the passing of Hannibal Smith (aka George Peppard) and the fact that no evidence of duct tape nor blow torches was found at the scene.
2) Remo Williams, the Destroyer - What can I say about the ultimate assassin? While the convoluted automobile accident does look like his style, this is another unlikely suspects since 1) Princess Di rode the "37 Step Escalator" a few times and 2) Chiun and the Queen Mum belong to the same MCI "Family and Friends" group.
3) Hillary Rodham Clinton - Our First Lady is known as a jealous sort and perhaps wanted the spotlight all to her self. Again an unlikely candidate, at the time of the crash, it was Tubby's yearly cleaning of his pipes.
Which brings us to the person I believe did the horrible deed...006. 006 didn't die at the end of Goldeneye as we all believed...no, he lived and along with Teresa Draco Bond plotted the demise of the beloved, beautiful Diana. They should be wary for JAMES BOND WILL RETURN.....
________________
Dear Cubby,......Mister Wonderful is out waxing his board right now. If you'd like to leave a query, just start talking at the sound of one hand clapping.
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LEAVE IT TO WONDERFUL
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STILL MORE OUTDATED WONDERFUL
Dear Mr Wonderful,......So many famous and truly important people are dying nowadays, many of whom have been mentioned in your column of late. While it saddens me to witness the passing of people such as Mother Theresa, Princess Diana, and Jaques Cousteau, to name but a few, it does raise a question in my head. So many people are born every day, many of whom will no doubt grow to be important in one way or another. Why is it that we must mourn the passing of important people, but we do not celebrate the births of those who will be important in their steads? Surely this would make TV news shows more uplifting, if they focused on little babies and all their potential.
Sincerly,
C. Gunnysworth, Jr._________________
Dear Dr. Skinner,......Well, the problem is obviously one of separating the wheat from the chaff, innit? Can't just go around celebrating *everyone's* potential because a lot of those pink, squalling things have the potential to become Kathy Lee Gifford, too.
......The workings of fate are a mystery. Breeding is no guide (witness Emilio Estevez), nor is circumstance (witness anyone born in the inner-city who isn't torching Beverly Hills right now). We become what we become because it is what we already were tomorrow. You can't ask Dan Rather to say that with a straight face.
......In fact, why is it that you want to be uplifted by the TV news anyway? You want uplifting, get a gondola ride. Let the news shock, terrify and disgust. Let it encourage dissent and outrage. Let it inform on its superiors and incite to riot. The news should be angry, callous, disturbing. It should compel action. It should be heterogenous, conflicting and contentious. Watch it and burn! It's not entertainment, it's not passivity, it's a spiky ramrod of new things, new information, new mindsets! When the news is over, you should turn off the TV and run wild in the streets, ready to change things. Be unsettled. Be confused. Be activated. The news should make you new.
......Mr. Wonderful's birth was heralded by twin comets and a sky the color of blood. Also, three exotic dancers stopped by, looking for directions.
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CRASHING WAVES OF WONDERFUL
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WONDEROFFSPRING
Dear Mr Wonderful,......Is your child the next Picasso? How wise is Winnie the Pooh? Is Winnie the Pooh your love child, as people are all alleging nowadys? Do you have problems with the pappartzi, and do you know how to spell the aforementioned p-word?
Inquiring minds gotta know, y'know.
________________
Dear Ritalin-breath,......HEY RUPERT, I'VE GOT PAPPARAZZI IN MY PANTS!
......Thank you. I've always wanted to be able to use that phrase.
......To tell the truth, Mr. Wonderful has no children... certainly not in the legal sense. Those gifts to the Honey Tree Foundation and Anti-Defamation League of T'grr are merely drops in the cistern of vast giving that is at the heart of Wonderful. If I *was* to have a child, I suppose it might develop some fascinating artistic genius (it'd need to if it was going to weasel its way out of Turkey).
......Mr. Wonderful seeks to satisfy curiosity, but truly finds the outside world more interesting than himself. When nosy scandal-mongers come 'round they soon find themselves at the recieving end of a brief symposium on "the deadly Spanish Throwing-pinata and its relevance to the high speed chase".
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SLEEPY-BYE WONDERFUL
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ALL-NUDE WONDERFUL
Dear Mr. Echo,have you seen the movie The Full Monty? if you haven't, it's a sunny, happy, leave the theatre humming, feel good hit of the year, cloaked in foreign locations and english accents in order to trick us foreign film snobs into the local multiplex. i was actually in good mood after this movie. I ask you: Whose Dirty Trick Was This???
I also ask you: will it be made into an American version?
And: do you agree, that this movie could never and would never be made with women as the main characters?
Ms. Cell
______________
Dear Knicker-twister,......To surprise and delight the twelve orange demi-gods who continually peer over the metaphoric shoulders of our collective unconcious into this universe, I will answer your questions in reverse order:
......I agree, this movie never could, never would, never *should*, be eaten on a train. I mean, made with women. What would be the point? The humor of the piece relies on the inversion and shock of male nudity and the emotion of the piece relies on the (however outdated) spectre and burden of male pride. What would you be left with but... Demi Moore?
......Oh, they will try, they will try to make an American version. Probably get Billy Joel to issue a re-mix of "Allentown" for it. I see parts for Luke Perry, Alan Thicke and Neil Switzer. Unfortunately for all involved, this Christmas' release of "Titanic" is going to take the entire film industry to the bottom, and there will be no more movies made.
......Whose Dirty Trick? Who made you feel so good? Who disguised peppiness in a Northern dialect? Why, the fiend is so clever that he hides in plain sight. The bold stroke, the enormous chutzpah, of this master villain is plastered all over the end of the film. The mad architect of your happy mood was none other than Welsh super-star Tom Jones.
......Yes, I've seen the film.
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WONDERFUL HAS A HAT ON
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WONDERFULLY CONFUSED
Dear Mr. Wonderful,......Sometimes I just feel like saying a big hello to all my friends out in reader-land who don't know how they ended up on your mailing list and are rather stunned by the flood of strange mail that someone seems to find funny, but not them (to quote one friend, "Column is double ummmm with an uuuuuuurh? thrown in for good measure.")
......You poor stunned masses, you are in good company. Feel not isolated by the obscure references, rather, feel togetherness in the fact that many others are just as dubious as thou!
......This has been a public service announcement from the Kraft Corporation
*********** That's it, we'll play "good correspondent/bad correspondent". You load 'em, I'll lock 'em!
LIP-LOCK WONDERFUL
Dear Sir Wonderful,......If Milli Vanilli fall down in the woods, will anyone hear them?
......And, do you, in your infinite wisdom have any idea on where I can find them? You see, I have their Grammy, and I've heard they want it back!
Boomshenka,
The Lady with the Spinning Head.________________
Dear Linda Blair,......If you emptied out the entire Astro-dome, covered the inside with tin, seeded it with thousands of tiny microphones wired to mega-watt huganto speakers and *dropped* Milli Vanilli (wearing authentic medieval knight's armor) from the ceiling, you still wouldn't hear a thing. Except, of course, the applause of thousands.
......The trouble is that the Hans and Franz of the music world are, in fact, completely inaudible. It was not always this way, and those of us who had a chance to see them live before they hit it big remember the heady thrill of those revolutionary days when the Mighty Mill was rising. Unfortunately, came the day they were captured by enthusiastic and misinformed time-travelers from the 80th Century. Saving the world from the threat of the S>ps--K Dominion had some side-effects, the least of which was phase-shifting all their auditory vibrations into the aether. And we all know what happened after that.
......Fenster and McManus are currently in hiding, afraid that they may be tempted to exploit their vast and unfathomable new powers and crush the puny humans who plague them. They say they'd rather not have the Grammy as it reminds them of the ninth dimensional form of the Potra-Being Grimthugginesk. Mr. Wonderful can respect that and so should you.
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HAPPY WONDER TO YOU
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WONDERFUL RINGS TWICE
Dear Mr. Dark,......I am wondering, when are we going to see this alleged "movie" version of Brin's "The Postman", which is supposed to star (of all the futzing possibilities) Kevin Costner as the title role?
......If you know the answer, then maybe you know how it is that Costner landed this gem of a story? I mean, sure, he was good in that baseball movie, but then, that one actually had him cursed out by some old yid in the Old Language, and that set the entire world straight again.
Until we meet again, remember
No matter
(ax|b) = (a|x|b) = (a|xb), assuming x Hermitian
there you are.Leader of the Free World, Builder of bricks, and the guy who bought out Dixon. Visit my temples, shake hands in a funny way.
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Dear Captain Illuminati,......Ah yes, a return to Kevin Costner queries. *Exactly* what we need.
......"The Postman: A Kevin Costner Film with No Butt-shots or Poetry" will have the most expensive premiere party in the history of film, in an attempt to draw some attention away from "Titanic: Leonardo DiCaprio Finally Goes Down". Hundreds of thousands of dollars will be spent on special effects, lighting and state-of-the-art post-apocalyptic hors d'ouvres. All this whiz-bang technology, coupled with insipid Hollywood party-goers will have a very interesting cumulative effect.
......To wit: by 11 PM a worm hole will open in the space-time continuum, sucking every single print of the film (as well as Peter DeLuise) back in time to the year 1444 AD, where they will kill a passing flock of priests in Devonshire, England. So, to answer your query: you will never see this film, as all copies have since disintegrated.
......Mr. Costner got hold of this story like you'd get hold of a scrofulous gibbon: in a dark, dangerous place, with much washing of hands afterward.
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SOMETIMES IT'S WONDERFUL
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CASTING COUCH WONDER
Dear Mr Wonderful,......I am writing to inquire about any job openings that you may have at Wonderful Industries. I have had four years of expensive university education, and am very willing to do an internship at the Wonderful Labs; though my studies did not focus on Orgasmic Bread, my references will support my quick learning skills. They will also agree that I am an independent team player. Barring that (and with my luck . . .) I am also eager to apply for any openings at the Wonderful Tanning Salon as well as any other of your Wonderful venues.
......I appreciate your time, and look forward to the opportunity to work for your Wonderful organization.
...... Sincerely,
......Footsore Zombie
...... (enclosure)________________
Dear Barrel-Scraper,......Thank you for your inquiry. Unfortunately, all out intern positions are currently filled by reincarnated fourteenth-century theologians and poets.
......Staff positions are available. Be aware, however, that our selection process is a Patty-Hearst-like affair and your only warning that you have the job or are even being considered (whether you have contacted us or not) is the "zip" sound of duct tape in the middle of the night.
......I might take this moment to tell you confidentially that your resume is very good and were we not the perverse bunch of animals we are, your name would be very high on our list. You mention that you are an independent team player, but are you also a self-starter who takes instructions well? A high level of simple paradox training is required for all management positions.
......Mr. Malice wishes it to be known that he is looking for someone to wash his, er, things. Mr. Dark needs no one.
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SLAVE TO THE WONDER
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Wisdom and Wit © 1997 Mark Anthony Masterson. Thank you to all the querents (Especially Matt and Tekurah, who played along first), long may your lights blink mercilessly.
