......Mister Wonderful is a nom de plume (/guerre/amour) for Mark Anthony Masterson, a comic book writer with plenty of time to waste and a computer fetish. Mark has long enjoyed entertaining his friends with newsletters and broadsheets of little import. Mister Wonderful is the nest step: a wise, witty, warm persona with the ability to answer any question at all, on any topic. This allows Mark to indulge his megalomania and creativity at the same time. *We* think it's funny.
2) WHO ASKS THE QUESTIONS? THIS MARK GUY?
......No, no, no! *You* ask the questions, you people out there in Cyber-land! All the queries come from real knowledge seekers just like you! Readers from Connecticut to California write about just any damn thing they can think of.
......Now, to tell the truth, some of the questions seem a bit, well, made up. The point is they were "made up" by clever people other than Mark Anthony Masterson (probably Kathryn G. Reynolds (see below)) and the answers are valid nonetheless! It's all part of the Wonderful pledge: We'll answer anything we can get a laugh out of.
......If *you* have any queries, just send them along to "misterdark@mail.geocities.com"
3) WAITAMINNIT. SHOULDN'T IT BE "MISTERWONDERFUL@..."?
......Here's where things get a little funky. We set up the Geocities account a while before we had the idea for the advice column. At that point we were playing around with characters from various comic projects, etc. Long story short: Mr. Dark and Mr. Malice are other fictional personas that pop up from time to time in the column. They tend to be a bit more cynical and cruel than Mr. W. It's just a literary device and you shouldn't let it keep you up nights.
4) IS THIS FOR REAL?
......Oh, absolutely. Mister Wonderful has been answering questions for 8 months now and has no intention of stopping. You can see the evidence at http://geocities.datacellar.net/soho/6856/wful.html 24 hours a night.
5) NO, I MEAN, ARE YOU TELLING THE TRUTH WHEN YOU ANSWER QUERIES?
......Ah. Well, that depends. Was Keats right? Cuz if Beauty is Truth then we got one Truthful Momma of an advice column right here. Otherwise... yeah, it's basically all lies. But listen: these are *good* lies. This is the world the way it should be. You don't need bland "facts" when you go out and face society, that just plays into their hands; you need the secret wisdom of the ages, you need weapons to break down the monotonous walls of conformity! How much more exciting is a ride on the bus when you know that the Transit Department designed the route based on Mayan glyphs describing a path through the Asteroid Belt, or that the Raiders baseball cap on the man next to you is actually beaming his thoughts to the super-computer of television personality Pat Sajak?
6) OH. HOW DO I STOP GETTING THESE E-MAILS?
......You need a note from your doctor.
7) WHAT SORT OF PEOPLE READ "MWAA"?
......Intelligent, creative people with stable personalities and big hearts. If you stop reading, you're probably a small-minded shrew on crack.
......Frequent correspondents include Matt Sellers, Tom Graham, Tekurah McCullough, Neil Switzer and the Queen of Keen, Kathryn G. Reynolds (rumoured to be responsible for 65% of all Wonderful Queries). If you recognize any of these names, then you know what sort of person we're talking about. If you don't, then make up a personality for them, send it to us and we'll print it.
8) WHAT IF I DISAGREE WITH MISTER WONDERFUL?
......Hey, it's a free country (yeah, right. Just try to leave the store with it). If you feel strongly enough, write to us. We're pretty good about printing occasional "round-up" columns where alternate opinions are displayed. Oh, but don't expect to get away without a good mocking.
9) WHAT ELSE SHOULD I KNOW?
......Basically, anything goes. Sometimes Mr. Wonderful comes across as a near-immortal sophisticate, sometimes he's a drooling sycophant fresh off the cilantro truck. Don't come whining about continuity to us, fanboy.
......The language can get a bit rough at times; if you're offended, we suggest applying white-out to the naughty bits on your screen.
......In certain cases Mr Wonderful will use a string of stars "********" to let you know it's him talking and not the correspondent.
......There are some running gags-- it's a good idea to check out the Archives if you want to catch everything. Even still, it's hard to tell the difference between a running joke and a private joke (some of these people have been infected by Mr. Masterson for *years*), so maybe you should just let it go.
......Don't hesitate to be anything.
10) HEY! CAN I SUCKER OTHER PEOPLE INTO THIS?
......Oh, please do. Just send me their e-mail addresses. Also, feel free to print out anything you like and pin it up to office bulletin boards, policemen, etc. Just be sure it includes the website address below and/or our e-mail info. A plague is just a disease until it spreads.
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THUS ENDS THE WONDERFUL NAQ
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......So there it is. May your journey to wisdom be long and hard!
......with Love onna stick,
......Mark Anthony Masterson
...... for
......Mister Wonderful
......Mister Dark
......Mister Malice
......Behemoth Town Council
......Jack Wilde
......Ry-Tur, the Crimson Voyager of Doom
......and
......The Boys and Girls of Wonderful Labs