May 20, 2000
Well, I really want to try to live long enough to write some things, read some things, watch some things, do some things... There are... any number of things I want to live for. But at the same time... I don't have much hope in life, I hate my life and don't see it changing soon, and the pain... every fucking day and night the pain, so intense... I don't know how long I can manage to avoid killing myself. Every day I wonder how I survived the night before. Honestly. I can't tell you how hard and painful it all is. Honestly, seriously, I mean that. Sigh. But I'll keep trying. There are things I want to live for. It'd be nice to have some friends around me, though.
May 4, 2000
Well, yesterday I got m'sef a permit. Haven't had one a those since... I think '94. Been a long time. Never did get a license, but hopefully I will in the near future. Finally startin' ta catch up with folks 2/3 my age. A genuine positive step, here. Them's been few and far between of late.
February 3, 2000
Well, I meant to get to this earlier. To let you know, January 11 I flew home. First plane trip of my life, or at least of my memory. Jet plane San Francisco to Boston, prop plane Boston to Presque Isle, where my folks picked me up and we went back to New Sweden. I'm looking for work, but the area's dead, y'know. I'll find something, though prob'ly not as soon as I'd like. Transportation will be tricky, but I'll manage. And the housing market is so reasonably priced around here, you'd almost think *gasp!* they actually want people to live here! Funny thing, the less likely it is people will want to live in an area, the closer minimum wage and a livable wage come to coinciding there. Anyway...
December 22, 1999
Well, I guess I'm gonna look for a plane ticket and go home. Of course, some small part of me will still hold onto some kind of hope for the future, for it cannot possibly be extinguished. Not a hope, per se, but a... a failure to fully believe it's absolutely, 100% impossible that Kris will someday, in the distant future, perhaps be in a place where the world doesn't treat her like shit and weigh so very heavily upon her, and... And maybe then...
*Sigh* But for now, I'm going home, and I'll be glad if we can at least keep in touch and maintain a friendship. Of course, I don't believe I'll ever manage to fall out of love with her, but I s'pose I'll just have to keep that buried. Ignore it. Because this is the closest to what she wants, I guess. Anyway... I can't think what else to say.
November 2, 1999
Well, I don't always have that much time online these days, and even when I do, I don't always remember to do some things, or things just simply never occur to me in the first place; as I've said I think before, I think just last time in fact, I often don't think to mention something here in updates. Here's the thing: You know Q's and my friend Joey was staying with us and Q's mother and however many other people may be here at any given time, which changes (though now generally includes this person Michelle, who is okay) for... however long he was staying here... Well, for I think something over a week now, maybe two? ...I don't think quite that long, but anyway... he's been gone. Took off. Know not where. Said nothing to us, nor note, nor nothing. Just up and left. May return soon, may not, I dunno. But anyway, certainly this is not something we've been happy about. Q, I should say... is even more "not happy" about it than I, but then, I'm slow to anger or get annoyed by most things... in life... But that's another topic, which I might add to my insanity page... Still and all, I'm certainly not happy about this...
October 9, 1999
Well, y'know I don't always actually have this page foremost on my mind. Sometimes I just suddenly remember it exists and decide to stop and think if maybe there might be something in my life worth mentioning here.
My luv and I, at the moment, for the past few days, are just friends. Well, I've always loved her as a friend, both separate from and connected to my love for her as... well, being in love with her. Well, so I can accept this state of affairs for now, though not without some pain. I love her as a friend; and I am in love. Um... if this were permanent, I don't know for sure I could bear it. In fact I don't think I'd want to be capable of that. Still, she is my favorite person in the world, no matter what, and I want nothing more than her happiness and nothing less than her unhappiness, so I'd try... But I do believe we'll be more than friends again, and forever... I believe it is destined...
*Sigh* And yet I cannot say when. Well, we'll just see...
September 26, 1999
Well, I bought some Mexican jumping beans yesterday. Y'know, we had some jumping beans once when I was a little kid. I liked 'em. I've missed jumping beans all these years, so I'm glad I found some. They sleep alot, sometimes... but heck, young larvae need their rest, whenever they can get themselves comfortable in their appropriated tree seeds...
Btw, it was my twenty-fourth birthday the other day.
August 21, 1999
Well, ever since I first started my homepage here at GeoCities back in... oh, '96, I guess... I've never had subdirectories. For a good long time now I've basically just made use of the "enter filenames manually" option, especially since the complete list of files got frickin' huge. Well, the other day, I found that option was no longer available. I don't know if it was a temporary glitch with this computer, the server it's connected to, or with GeoCities itself- it had just been making some html editor "upgrades," I guess. Anyway, wherever the glitch was, it seems it was temporary. But in the meantime, I decided to start moving things around to new subdirectories. I believe I've finally got that finished up, but if you should happen to come across any links that don't work, or whatnot, please let me know. Thank you kindly.
Well, I dunno wot else ta say at the mo, except perhaps that today would appear to be one month before my birthday....
August 14, 1999
Well, for some weeks now I've been staying at Q's place, well and her mother's place. Today I began training at a new job, at Carl's Jr. Just a few hours, and I'm not so great at it yet, learning the register (a touch-screen). Minimum wage (in California, $5.75/hr), part time for now... but it's better than nothing. Still haven't got a place of our own yet. But we should, this month. Hopefully. Joey's lease is up at the end of the month, so he'll be needing a place quite soon. So will we all. Anyway... I'm working. There's the update.
July 2, 1999
Well, I just tried to log into GeoCities to work just a wee bit on my page, which I haven't done in some while now, and what do I find? I've got to make m'sef a new username becuz of this stupid merger with Yahoo! Well, this frickin' bites. Ah well. It's done. Maybe it won't be so bad. Sigh.
Well, though, I'm in California! Got here a couple of weeks ago. I'm staying with my girlfriend Q's (and now my) friend Joey. I'm looking for a job, and the three of us are looking for a new place. Don't know what else to say, but, anyway....
May 23, 1999
Well, let's see. Quite a while since i wrote anything here. It's not like absolutely nothing has happened in this time. My friends (and by extension, I) moved from Brunswick to West Bath. Um... well, to be honest, I can't think of much else to say. Things happened, but you probably wouldn't care much about most of them. Anyway, today (or yesterday, I should say, it's just I haven't gone to bed yet, you see) was my last day of work. So I guess now I'm unemployed. Hmmm. Got one more check coming, though, and it'll be the biggest yet, at least twice any other check I've gotten from McDonald's. They'll mail it to New Sweden. yes, tomorrow (or today, I should say) I'm going home. A few weeks later, I'll go to California to be with my luv. But in the meantime, I'll be sorely lacking in Net access, for the most part. Well, that's about all I can think to say for now. See ya.
March 9, 1999
Well, I started working part time today at McDonald's. It's... well, I don't know as I'd call it a living, but... it's something, anyway....
February 23, 1999
Well, two weeks ago (February 9) my girlfriend (a grrl of many names, usually called Q) came from California to visit me here in Maine. We met last fall online, probably in early to mid September. I'm not good at remembering details, I just know it didn't take me long to fall in luv with her. And amazingly enuff, she fell in luv with me, too. And we talked on ICQ, discussion boards, chatrooms. The phone, a bit. And it was just pure bliss to be with her irl. *sigh* And today, she went home. I miss her so so so so much. But she's back on ICQ, and I'm messaging with her even as I write this. And she'll return in a few months or so. To stay.
Btw, that cold I mentioned last entry did eventually go away, after a couple weeks maybe. Q got one while she was here, though.
January 1, 1999
Well, a couple days ago (Wednesday, Dec. 30) I came downstate to Brunswick, ME, where I am currently staying with my friends Rob and Harmony. In the near future, I'm gonna be looking for a job, and when I save up a little money I'll look for an apartment, and just generally pretend to be a grown-up.
December 29, 1998
Well, the other night I thought I might feel the beginnings of a sore throat coming on. And indeed, I woke up with something of a sore throat, which I've had all day (the 28th, mostly, but this being after midnight, I'm calling the post the 29th, of course), along with a mild fatigue. So I think there could be a cold coming on. I hate a cold. Evil! ...And this ain't a very good time for one, either, what with expectations of moving imminently... *sigh*...
Well, but this isn't much of an update, is it? "Oh, my throat hurts. I think I might be getting a cold." How frightfully interesting to the lot of you, I'm so very sure...
December 23, 1998
Well, the other day I had this thought. I should put a page on my homepage for updates about what's going on in my life. I don't know what day it was I thought of this, because I procrastinated in getting 'round to it, and I've a poor sense of time. But hey, I'm doing it now. ...Well, I guess that's today's update. See ya soon for more. Bye, now.
