Ya know how they say a thing is so weird it could only happen in a movie or
on tv or somethin? well, what happened to me is so crazy it had to be for
real, 'cause it was weirder than anythin anyone would ever even think of
putin' in a movie. it was weirder than any old naked gun movie. it was
even weirder than a kid's mad libs thing.
but i'll just say this is only a story i'm makin up, cause if anyone
thought i was serious about this, well, it's so crazy they'd put me in an
asylum. so let's just call it a story, okay?
the name's jack harry. me an' my pal tom davison is whatchoo'd call
partners in crime. we robbed more homes than a soap opera has sex scenes.
and the cops could never catch us. every job we ever pulled was perfect.
of course we got kinda cocky, but we always kept our egos in check while
we was workin. didn't want nuthin to go wrong.
so one night we hit a nice little apartment. the owner is apparently not
home. and the place is filled with great stuff. we was just about ready
to go when tom decided to go to the kitchen and get a snack. i tell him
to hurry up- and while he's in there get somethin for me. a minute later
he calls me, so i goes into the room to see what he wants.
he's standin there holdin the fridge door open, just starin in there. so i
says, "what's in there, zoul or something?"
well, he don't say nuthin, so i just go look in the fridge, and i don't
see nuthin. then from in the fridge a voice says, "close the door! it's
gettin hot in here!"
so i look to see what the hell's goin on, and then here's the crazy part-
at least where it really starts. you know who's talkin? a freakin carrot!
yeah, a carrot is tellin me or tom or anyone to close the door. i guess
i stood there lookin like tom for a minit, till the carrot talked again.
"hey, would one of you idiots close the door?!"
and so i asks the carrot who the hell he thinks he is, talkin to a human
like that. the stupid vegetable says he owns the apartment, and would we
close the door and get the hell outta here before he calls the cops.
so naturally i threatened to kill him. that shut him up. for about ten
seconds. then he's yellin at me again. right about then, tom comes back
to reality. he shouts, "what the hell is a carrot doin alive and talkin?!"
the carrot just says he liked the stupid human better when he was quiet.
so i says, "hey! don't call tom stupid! he's got a valid question there."
the carrot just snorts and tells us to get lost. so i says no. i want some
answers. then the carrot says "the only thing i'm gonna tell you is that
i triggered a silent alarm and the police should be here any minute."
just then there's a knock on the door and a voice from the hall shouts
"police! open up!"
so i shout, "i've got a hostage! go away!"
tom whispers "what hostage?"
"who do ya think? the damn carrot."
then the cops start wantin to negotiate, so i go to the door and talk to
them. i leave tom to keep an eye on the carrot.
i shout thru the wall to the cops "okay, i'm givin you some real good
conditions. you guys back off, i'll leave all the stuff here and just
take off with the hostage. when i feel safe, i'll let him go. i don't
want anything fancy. no money, no chopper, no pizza. most of all, no
trouble. okay?"
copper says no, i gotta leave the hostage alone, and give myself up. i
says no way. then i go talk to tom. i tell him we gotta get outta here.
we gotta make it to safety. what does tom say?
"I don't know, jack. me an' the carrot's been talkin, an' i think we
oughtta give ourselves up. we can't take an innocent hostage."
"he's a carrot, tom."
"so?"
"so? you're a moron, tom."
"no, listen, jack. what cop is gonna believe a carrot is a hostage?"
"we ain't gonna take the carrot. the cops think i'm alone on this job.
we'll pretend you're my hostage. okay?"
"so what'll we do with the carrot? he can i.d. us, y'know."
"what court in the world is gonna accept the testimony of a carrot?"
"but just in case-"
"okay, tom, we'll kill him. no one will ever know we killed him. they
find a dead carrot, who'll suspect he was ever alive?"
"murder? no way, man! i can't kill him, even if he is a carrot."
"fine. we'll tie him up and gag him before we leave. okay?"
"okay, jack."
so i went back to talk to the cops. tom said, "please, do what he says.
i'll be okay, and he won't get any of my stuff. please."
so they reluctantly agreed. me and tom got away and they never did catch
us. but i sometimes wonder about that carrot. where he came from, what
happened to him.
i got outta crime for good. i don't know what's happened to tom now.
haven't heard from him in a while. so, anyway, Father, whatta i gotta do?"
"for starters, i would give up eating vegetables."
"yeah, very funny. what about my pennance?"
"DIE!!!!" shouts the carrot, leaping thru the confessional screen.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGGGG!!!!!!" shouts jack, leaping up in bed, covered in
sweat, suddenly very awake, too scared to go back to sleep, too scared
to move."maybe i will give up vegetables. one thing's for sure. i
shouldn't have eaten so many carrots or watched that old crime movie
before going to bed."
tom turns around in bed and asks, "what's wrong, jack?"
"nothing, honey. just a bad dream."
"can i help you get over it? how about a little lovin to get your mind
off it?"
"sure, tom."
they start to make love, and tom closes his eyes. "oh jack." he opens his
eyes. he's humpin a giant carrot who starts laughing.
tom wakes up screaming.
"what is it, honey?" asks his wife carol.
"another homophobic nightmare. your ex-husband jack was in it."
"oh, shut up, you," says carol, playfully sticking a carrot in tom's mouth.
the next morning at the breakfast table, jack finishes his story. "so
that's the whole incredible dream, carol honey. whaddaya think? and who's
this tom guy? and what's for breakfast?"
"how about carrots?"
"no, i think i'll give them up."
