Subreality Café:

Claremont's Hideaway

by Leary

Author's Note: Claremont's Hideaway is the place in the "Subreality City" that the last cool incarnations of certain characters and the creators who wrote them hang out together.

A late night party at the Hideaway...

"Well, I can't say that it wasn't fun hanging out here with the rest of you, but I am glad to be heading back to the Universe." Dani Moonstar says as she picks up the going-away gifts she got from all her friends.

"It's gonna be sad ta see ya' go Chief, but do me a favor and give mah current self a swift kick in the rear for losin' his backbone." The X-Force Cannonball says to his friend and one-time co-leader.

"Maybe with all these changes, you'll be back soon, too." The Claremont New Mutants headmaster version of Magneto says from the table.

"Ah can hope, but ah wouldn't bet on it. Maybe Moore'll get me outta the X-Men and back with X-Force, but ah don't think The Bob will let 'im." Sam mutters something else under his breath, cursing all those responsible for his change in the first place.

"Don't look so glum Sam, when you've been here as long as the rest of us, you learn to stop bashing the writers who ruined you. It really doesn't help." The teenaged Illyana says as she hands her gift to Dani. "Though I do occasionally get the urge to send them all to Limbo." Illyana turns back to Sam. "And besides, we've all got The Raab looming over us in that new Limited Series of his." Illyana visibly shudders.

"A fate worse than Lobdell, if ya ask me." The Claremont Rogue says, stepping forward, wearing one of her classic green and black outfits. "And ah know what Lobdell can do ta ya."

"Well, maybe it won't be so bad." Longshot says as he hits the bulls-eye on the pub's dart-board for the 50th time in as many turns, eye glowing. The others glare at him in disbelief. "Well, excuse me for still having my optimism!"

The patrons of the Hideaway grumble briefly, then go back to their other tasks.

"Before you go, Dani, I just want to apologize for making you an MLF member. I must've been drunk." Fabian Nicieza yells from over by the bar, waving to his former character.

"Don't worry, Fabian, I got a decent retcon, so everything's cool again." With that, Dani opens the door and steps out.

Later that same evening…

"So, who you t'ink has the worst retcon of us all, mon ami?" The angst-free Gambit says, dealing cards to his fellow patrons. "I still miss de days when my biggest worry was Bella Donna, and not dis Sinister/Marauder crap."

"Aw, c'mon Cajun, that's nothin'." The human Logan says from under his battered hat, lighting a cigar. "Remember my memory implants?"

"Unlimited #4?" The Claremont Rogue says, looking at her cards.

"Whatever has happened to you all, it cannot compare to the massacre that Loeb made of my origin." The non-wimpy Shatterstar says, eyes glancing over the other players menacingly from the shade of his helmet.

"I still say that I have had the worst retcon." Magneto replies calmly, laying down his discards. "I am called Joseph now, have no memories and can't go anywhere without taking Rogue's hand. This Joseph creature is more of a child than when I was actually rejuvenated as one!" Magneto's features turn angry, then soften, looking at Rogue. "No offense intended, of course."

"None taken." She replies.

"Though I admit that your humiliation must be painful, you are only named Joseph, and still remain the same person, essentially. I, on the other hand, don't have a clue as to who I really am, which of my two pasts is correct, or whose body I now reside in." Shatterstar says, picking up his new cards. "Not even the editors have the faintest clue as to what really happened."

"De kid's got a point." Gambit says, smoking his cigarette and laying down the winning hand. "Least wit' us, de editors got de decency t'lie 'bout bein' clueless. Wit' him, it's so bad they don't even bother."

"Ya'll seem to be forgettin' that this ain't the Angst Pit." Rogue chimes in. "No matter how badly we're currently written, WE…" She indicates the others at the table and around the pub. "… are still cool. So stop your whinin' an' deal the next…"

Before Rogue can finish speaking, however, a barrage of hot-knives blow the Hideaway's front door to pieces. Outside is the gathered group of Ben Raab's Excalibur.

"WHERE'S ELLIS!!!" Pete Wisdom steps forward, smoking with a cool anger. Behind him, Kitty, Rahne, Kurt and the rest are looking mighty pissed.

"Good Christ!" The Englishman at the end of the bar, his face shrouded from view by a dense cloud of cigarette smoke, looks up from his scotch and blurts out. Normally, Warren would have nothing to fear from his former characters, but these are Raab's characters now. They have nothing to lose. "What do you lot want?"

"Same thing the last time they tried to get you." Chris Claremont, the Hideaway's owner, says and points to the pool room's back door, and Warren's only escape route. "Punishment."

Warren makes a run for it, but is stopped by a raving mad Moira. "Yuir nae gettin' away that easily, ye soddin' traitor!"

"Bloody 'ell!" Warren mutters, realizing that he's trapped. "Why don't the other creators get this sort of treatment?"

"Because other writers don't leave their characters in the hands of Ben bleedin' Raab!" Wisdom says, stepping right in front of Warren. "I sound like a cockney fool! I don't fight with Moira anymore, probably 'cause I can't understand a bloody thing she says, Douglock kissed Rahne, Kitty sounds like a Valley-girl, and I'm supposed t'be clubbing in Germany, mate. CLUBBING IN GERMANY!!" Pete shoots off a hot-knife, snipping the tip off Warren's ever-present cigarette. "Fix it now, or I'll fix you. On purpose."

"I'll say this once, so listen clearly, Ellis." Kitty's temper starts getting the best of her. "Come back to Excalibur now or we'll have Moira neuter you. Is that clear?"

"It's not my fault!" Warren mutters, truly regretting the fact that he left them in Raab's hands, but hoping like hell they'll remember what a good time they had the last time they were in a pub together, and buy him a beer. No such luck, though.

"Did we mention that we'd replace every bit of your alcohol intake with Moira's coffee?" Warren goes wide-eyed at that, plans for escape springing to mind instantly.

"Can't let ya do that to 'im, pumkin." The human Wolverine steps forward, adamantium claws gleaming. "He's taking over my book soon. Promises ta give me back my attitude. I might not be goin' back to the Universe full time, but it's the closest I've come in years."

"Listen mate, you get written by Raab, and you'll know what we're going on about." Wisdom says bitterly.

"Don't matter. This is my chance at gettin' written well, I ain't about ta let ya mess it up. That clear, bub?" Logan places two claws on either side of Wisdom's head. "Ya don't really wanna see the other one, do ya?"

"Och, he's gone!" Rahne shouts, looking at the now empty bar stool where Warren once sat.

"We almost had him this time!" Meggan says, speaking up for the first time. "I wish he'd have married us and then written us out of the book. Safe and sound, away from Raab." She looks up at her fiancé, Brian Braddock, tearfully. "I don't think we're ever going to get married." Suddenly, they poof out of existence, and reappear in Lobdell's Angst Pit. As the others realize that they'll be written again by Raab in the near future, they all vanish as well to give the couple company in the Angst Pit. Except one Scots werewolf, that is.

"Oh Mr. David, might I have a word wi' ye, please?" Her words are polite, but her tone is anything but.

In the shaded corner, Peter David looks up from his laptop at the nearing teenager, growing more and more wolfen with each step. "Oh shit."

The End.

Well, I hope it's not too bad for a late-night story inspired by boredom and written in about 20 minutes. <g>

Disclaimer: All the fictional characters belong to Marvel, while all the non-fictional characters belong to their wives. ;^D