May 1st, 1998 . . I believe that it was my statement, my promise, my vow. . I believe they were my words. . I believe that I spoke them loud and to as many ears that would listen, and I believe that I meant them. . So, um...I've changed my mind. . I thought I was fine, that it would not be neccessary to run away again. I went on and on about my ability to stay and be numb... "comfortably" so. And yet I have discovered that I am anything but comfortable, so once again I'm running. . To the city of my birth, and to the sanctuary of my teens. . There is pain waiting for me in both places...I have to face the cold hard reality of her deterioration, and of his inability to recover from the last crash. When I am far, far away, and I hear their long distance cries for attention, I am overwhelmed with emotion and it fuels my depressions. And yet, when I am actually there I am able to come to grips with the problem of "them" and the problem of "me" and the wide gulf between the two. . I am able to recognize why we are where we are (all over the place) and I am reminded of how very important my life in Japan is to me. . I know this. I still have to go. . >Lord, woman... . ...gone. .

SMQ1998