By, Steven Mirante
After several attempts at picking up women, I decided to
try the Personal ads. I started with the ads in a free weekly
newspaper named the New York Press.
The New York Press Personal Ads operate like this: To
respond to an ad, you dial 540-SEEK, The New York Press Personals
Line. It costs $1.50 per minute. Each ad is catergorized under
one of four headings: Women Seeking Men, Men Seeking Women,
Men Seeking Men, and Women Seeking Women. At the end of each
ad, there appears a telephone symbol and a five digit box number.
Whenever you see this telephone symbol next to a box number,
you can leave a message for that person over the phone.
You can place an ad of 25 words or less at no charge. It
will run for two weeks, and at no charge The New York Press
will set you up with your own box number, private code number,
greeting and instructions for receiving your messages. You can
call for them at any time, and listen for as long as you like.
There is no extra charge, and your messages will not be erased
without your consent.
First I responded to a few ads. The first ad that I
responded to was: Nerd Seeks Same. I called and said that I
was a nerd too, and left my name and telephone number. I guess
I was supposed to describe myself and tell my life story (at
$1.50 per minute) so hat the woman could decide whether to
return my call or not. I never got a response. Maybe I didn't
sound "nerdy" enough.
The next ad I responded to without really reading it. I
only realized what kind of man the woman was looking for (and
that I wasn't it) after I had called and left a message. The
Ad went like this: Long haired Asian beauty, 31, slim,
affectionate, gym-goer, passion for music, loves beaches, skiing
and traveling. Looking for one special man: tall, well built,
clean shaven, professional, single under 40, with a sense of
humor, sensitivity, and understanding, for a lasting romance.
Hell, the only thing I was that she was looking for was, single
under 40." But much to my amazement, I got a response. She called
me and left her name and job number on my answering machine
and said to call her back the next morning. At first I decided
that since I wasn't what she was looking for I shouldn't even
waste my time calling her. But then I decided to call her anyway,
even if to tell her that I was the wrong guy, just to be
considerate and courteous. I called her, and at first she didn't
even remember that she had called me because I had only left
my name and telephone number, and no description, or life story.
After I explained who I was and why I was calling, she
remembered. She asked me to describe myself and what I did for
a living. I told her and she seemed rather interested. Then
she asked me how tall I was. I told her my true height (which
is 5'7"). She seemed disappointed. She said that she was 5'5"
and she always wears high heels and so she would be taller than
me. I told her that I couldn't do anything about my height,
and she agreed. She thanked me for responding to her ad, and
said, "Goodbye." That was just great. I got an answer to a
response to an ad that I really shouldn't have responded to
in the first place. I was "too short."
The next time I decided to place my own lad and let the
women respond to "mine." I wrote up an ad and sent it in. It
read:
I guess I was just a little bit too honest, or maybe my ad
was too vague (Yeah right, tell me about it) because after the
ad ran for two weeks I didn't even get one response. (Bitches
must be looking for some tall, well built, clean shaven, steroid
chugging, overpaid, underworked, well hung, professional, lying,
cheating, coldhearted, insensitive asshole who wouldn't give
a damn about them, but that'll still love him 'cause he's a
"Great Guy where it counts, " (whatever that's supposed to mean).
They sure as hell ain't looking for someone like me 'cause if
they were at least one of them would have responded to my ad.
The next time I decided to try my luck again (and waste
more money) and responded to a few more ads. One that I answered
was: Vital signs-Music: R.E.M. F.Y.C. Movies: Night on Earth.
T.V. Northern Exposure. Art: Visual. Dress: Casual. Life:
Downtown. Objective: Fun. Seeks: SWM, 30-40 y.o. with similar
stats. (What, boring, hokey, stupid crap?!? Makes me sound
downright exciting.) Now I kinda like R.E.M. and F.Y.C. (Met
Roland Gift when he was buying film in the store I worked at.)
Never saw Night on Earth. Never watch Northern Exposure (though
I met Rob Morrow picking up his pictures in the same store and
only knew who he was because I saw him on SNL the night before).
Art: Visual- I'm into Photography which is a visual art. I like
to dress casual, hang out downtown and like to have fun. I am
a SWM, turning 30 this coming January. So you can see, I have
similar "stats." All I can say is, "Your loss, Babe." Considering
I answered your ad not knowing what you looked like, or anything
else about you other than what stupid shit you like to watch
on T.V., or see in the theater and what art you like and how
you like to dress and where you hang out, you should be happy
someone responded to your ad. Yo Bitch- FUCK YOU.
I also answered another ad which was a lot more "exciting,"
but nevertheless still disappointing. It went like this : SWF,
29, dark-haired exotic beauty with brains (a babe) seeks 30-ish
SWM, handsome and humorous, smart and sweet for fun and fire.
I called and left my name and number on Saturday and got no
response. Therefore, I called back again on Monday and left
a brief description of myself and said that if she was
interested and wanted to find out more about me to call me.
As of Wednesday, I've gotten no response to my message, and
don't expect to get any anyway.
With all this disappointing crap with the personal ads,
I feel the whole business is rather cold and impersonal. For
this reason, I call them the IMPERSONALS.
Isn't that STEVE a poetic kind of guy!!!
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